Dating

All things related to dating and meeting new people.

Got The Message. Loud And Clear.

PaulasPonderings7 Comments

As much as I don’t want to admit this, I’m going to.  Blogs are a great way to keep it honest….I want to learn from this .. and I want other women to learn from this.

So, the guy I went on a brunch date with last week, the one I really liked (its been a while since I have felt that tingle.. that excitement and desire to get to know someone)  … and that he said he liked me (he did invite me back to his home after our date AND asked me out for Tuesday)…. is not interested. Yes, I got the message on Tuesday night when he texted me from a meat market happy hour instead of calling me to make dinner arrangements.  BUT,  I wanted him to say it.  So I sent him an email.. here is what it said:

“Gosh XXXX, I sure hope you have not fallen off the face of the planet.. that  would be bad news. Anyway, Woody Allen’s new movie, Midnight in Paris is opening this week.  Being a Woody Allen fan, I’m definitely going to see it sometime this weekend/next week.  You care to join me?”

His response, below. Mind you, this is the man who did not want me to leave our date (but I had to), invited me back to his house mere hours after our date to “warm his couch”…  Returned this email, timing wise, a mere 5 days AFTER our first date….

“Thanks for the update.  I think I have fallen off the planet.  You are a good person and I wish you good luck with everything you got going. I am going to be unavailable for a while.”

What did I do?  I thanked him for his honesty.. which I do appreciate.  My only guess is that he met someone between our date on Sunday and scheduled date on Tuesday that piqued his interest….    Good for him, nothing wrong with that…  Just saying’ dating can be a challenge.

What I’ve learned is that I still got it – I can meet someone and get that tingly feeling, that excitement of wanting to know more about someone.  I spent a lot of time dating this year, waiting and wondering when that feeling would come…  Its nice to know that I can get it… 

I don’t know what this means for me or interenet dating.. My profile is hidden on the sites I was using …  I’m going to lay low for now.  Online dating does bring people together that wouldn’t otherwise meet, but I’ve not had any luck with that… so I’m going to stick close to home for now.. just get out more, do new and different things, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll meet someone who makes me tingle..  🙂

The Ones You Want Are Aloof, The Ones You Don’t Want Are Available.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

I know, I know you all know what I’m talking about.  Relationship irony.

So, my date last Saturday is perfectly nice.  He is young (he’s 42 age wise, but very inexperienced.. and sorry GGD, he doesn’t like Sushi.. or fish in general… or any other meat besides chicken…).  The way he has about him reminds me of my EX (not a good thing at all).. and the little things that I saw would begin to bug me real soon (yes, I know myself that well – as adorable as he is now… he would grate on my nerves in about 3 weeks).

But, I had another date this weekend – a brunch date on Sunday… I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think much about it… it was with a guy I’d been emailing with since April…  our schedules finally alligned and we went to brunch.  I am was so happy I followed thru, he was so interesting to me.  I was intrigued… and attracted to him.  He is older (which I loooovvvee).. he is a professional/exec type, and he’s a bit rough around the edges in the sense that he doesn’t care necessarily what others think.  Not unprofessional or offensive, just comfortable in his own skin to be his own person.  This package is yummy to me.

Anyway, the brunch date went very well, and we parted ways even though both of us didn’t want to .. I was drawn to him, he said that he didn’t want the day to end… even invited me back to his place so my bottom could keep his couch warm…(it was funnyat the time, not gross like it sounds now).   Since I could not join him and his couch we made a plan to meet today, Tuesday.

I was excited, didn’t do anything but work hard all day so I could enjoy some time with him… and guess what?  He finally texted me 30 minutes ago … told me his day was crazy and asked how I was doing.  I am still working because he didn’t call and I kept my evening open for our date!  He, however, was enjoying a “fu fu cocktail” at a local bar/pick up joint.  So, I sat at home, didn’t double book myself AND was actually looking forward to spending time with Mr. Brunch… and he was off, busy busy having Happy Hour at a meat market… .Hmmm…  I’d say his actions speak much louder than his words. Good thing I’m a pro at spotting this type of behavior now.

In the meantime, Mr. Ex Look-Alike emailed me and asked me out again!  Thank god Im busy this weekend (I really have a hard time lying to guys who are interested).

And of course, Chicken Legs wants to get together this week.  I forgot to tell you’all that I finally broke up with him.. not that we were ever going out, but I said, once again,  VERY CLEARLY that I’m not interested in dating him.  Friends only or nothing.  He said he got it…..  but he has just let me know he will be in my neck of the woods tomorrow and wants to see me.  I’ve not responded yet… I’m still in that “uggghhhhhh” thought.

Anyway, I’m working from home this week and thought I’d have a few fun events to discuss… nope.  Still sitting at home, working. Not out and about hanging with good looking older men (which I loooovvveee).

So, I pose the question – how do you get the person you like to like you without being fake… or rediculous.. or a slut… or too available?  Hmmm… men, weigh in on this one, give us ladies good, useful tips….

Salt Free Beans For a Year.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

So, I’m sure your question is, what  is this single, foot loose and fancy free woman writing about … salt free beans? What IS there to say about salt free beans????

Everything I tell you.  I had a date tonight. Date #2 with a guy…(I don’t think he is going to be around enough to give him a nickname)  my first date with him was last week, tonight was the second.  He is cute enough… charming enough.. interesting enough.  He is totally into me (which is flattering).  He took me to what I consider the nicest place in the town – great food, great atmosphere, and it is not cheap.    He didn’t dress up (I did, and I looked hot!!).  All in all, it was a nice evening, certainly nothing to complain about.

 But I have to say, I would take this evening and gladly trade it in for a year of salt-free bean dinners/evenings with my My Mr. Big.  We would find recipes to experiment with ….  enjoy each others company, talk, laugh.. have great sex.  All things I miss dearly.  I know that I’ve got to stop comparing potential candidates with the love of my past.  Tonight I finally realized that I’m actively seeking someone to replace him… and nothing/nobody can do that. He was something special – we had something that just worked.  

I get it – the goal is to find someone new….someone that is available,  that is interested in spending time with me, AND that I’m interested in spending time with.   I’ve not been able to do that yet…..  Anyone have advice on how to do this?

So with that, I will bid you good night…   and will write my next entry about the live bird the cats brought in 5 minutes before my date showed up….

A Lot In Common.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Hi guys.  Short post today.  This morning I received an email from the following individual

that said we are a perfect match.  I cannot understand  how this is so ….  just by looks alone we are so not a match.  What gives? Why would a guy like this ever reach out to me and think there would be any interest? 

I realize that I’m not a hottie (certainly not a model type given my round barrel like figure), but seriously??

Missing What I Can’t Have.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Tonight was a great night. I spent the evening with a few girlfriends that I’ve not seen forever, but that are forever with me. We met 16 years ago – and caught up this evening. Honestly, we haven’t skipped a beat.  And we all look exactly the same (yes, young and gorgeous!!!).

I’m home now, reminiscing, and as good as the evening went/felt,  I feel somewhat like a loser.  I thoroughly enjoyed this evening, but I cam home with a sense of loss.  I am missing My Mr. Big tonight.  It’s just a feeling I can’t push out of my head, my heart.  I can’t help but feel how nice it would have been to see him, be with him.  He hasn’t been a part of my life in a  consistent, supportive way for 8-9 months or so now. Its a silly, stupid feeling.  I know, super silly…  but I do miss him.  Why are some people harder to forget than others? Why do certain people have an impact and others are as forgettable as the last rain?  Tonight, I miss My Mr. Big more than I should.  More than I certainly want to, more than I should be given what we “officially” shared. 

So, I’ve taken a sleeping pill…  I’m crossing my fingers that it will help me fall asleep, forget my losses…  and gets me through the night so I can move on tomorrow and act as if nothing is wrong, nothing is missing….

Done with Online Dating.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

So, its official, my first roster of men is now officially done, over.  They have all turn out to be interesting people, and my relationship with each of the men turn out just as they should have. 

Yes, the roster is done, but I have zero interest in getting involved/creating another roster.  I feel so busy, and creating and working a roster is just too much for me.  What pushed me over the edge?  Plenty of Losers sent me some recommendations that included Mr. Texas.  So, they are cycling back thru their crap and offering up bottom feeders as if I wouldn’t know.  Yeahhhh… no thanks.

So, here is the rundown. 

  • Mr. Tx has put up new photos of himself. Same profile – looking for the one special woman.. yada yada yada. Whatever. All bullshit…  now I know. Now we all know.
  • Chicken Legs is a great guy, and he would make anyone a great partner.  BUT I”m the one with the problem – I’m just not sexually attracted to him. So now I have the responsibility to have the “just friends” chat with him.  I’ve not done it yet because with all my birthday celebrations and his commitment to his kids, we’ve not seen each other.  Friends say I should do it over the phone, but I personally would want someone to tell me this kind of stuff in person.  so, thus, I wait until our schedules align and I can see him again.
  • My new Man Friend, my GirlFriend Peter. Forever known here on out as GFP.  This is the last man to fall off the roster. He is a fabulous person.  We met at a bar (not online), and have been dating (no sex, no nothing, just honest, old fashioned dating) since January.  I invited him to my friends party this Friday (I thought we would have fun AND he likes all the same things my friends and I like), and he invited me to his family party on Sunday. I loved both events – he loved my friends, my friends loved him.  I loved his family, they loved me.  You would think this was a date…   but went as friends.  And we had a blast.  And I’m ok with this .  I brought it up because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page….  and you know what he said to me?  he said, he has had a lot of loss in his life this past year (he lost both his mother to cancer (he was her primary caregiver) AND he broke up with his girlfriend of 6.5 years).  He feels that we really connect (we do), and he doesn’t want to lose me because something goes wrong in the lovers arenda.   I told him I am just fine with friends.  And honestly, I think this man is going to be in my life forever.  He is kind, generious, sweet, loving, intellegent, and so interesting. We always have a great time….   I don’t see this changing.  So, no love connection, but a new friendship…  There is just nothing wrong with this.

O.k. .so tonight, right now, I am disabling, deleting, or whatever I need to do to get rid of/hide  my Plenty of Losers account. 

So this is it, I’m done with online dating for a while now.  I don’t have the time or energy for it. Iv’e got at least one lifetime friend, and if Chicken Legs and I can get to the friends stage, well then I’ve made two great friends.  How lucky am I, to have new people, spectactular people, enter my circle of friends?

I’m going to start doing a few more things, go out with friends, and just be myself and enjoy the time that I have.  I would like to meet someone that I want to spend time with… but right now, I’ve got so many great things going on, only someone really special is going to do it for me.  And I have to say, I’ve not met that many great guys online or thru friends..   So, now I’m going it alone…..   I dont know what this means or how this is going to work,   maybe it won’t. But I’m not in a hurry to find someone…  so we shall see.

Wish me luck!

Hawaii Trip Clarification.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

O.k. so most of you have reached out with the same reaction and question to my recent Hawaii experience:

  1. “the trip sounded horrible”!
  2. “where did you leave it” with Chicken Legs? 

First and foremost, I should have given a bit more background of the trip BEFORE going off on the things that didn’t work.  Chicken Legs is a very interesting and smart person. I do enjoy spending time with him. WE enjoyed each others company, had great conversations, had fun at all of our outdoor activities – snorkeling, hiking, just walking the Waikiki beach, eating out.  We are in-synch when it comes to all the other “stuff”.  I am a slow mover when it comes to “riding bikes” (TradeMarked by GGD) together…  so it’s not odd for me to NOT have slept with this guy… and given everything else that we enjoy together, it’s not a stretch to think we would have a good time “riding bikes”..    So, please do not feel bad for me,  my trip to Hawaii was a good one. 

So, now, where did I leave it with Chicken Legs.  We are fine – friends in my head.  I think know, he thinks we are a couple now.  I know this because he has called me every night since we’ve gotten home, he tries to call me his girlfriend and I’ve corrected him.   During all of our time together, I’ve been very clear with him about the following:

  • I am not interested in being in an exclusive relationship
  • Having sex does NOT mean we are exclusive
  • I am not interested in having love in my life
  • I am not interested in getting/being married again

All of these things are true when it comes to Chicken Legs.  I think if I met the right person, one I experienced the 3 H’s with,  none of these statements would be true.  MY POINT IS, I’m not leading Chicken Legs on, I’ve been very open and honest with how I feel about us.  I think he is hoping for more… behaving as if there already is more, just in case I change my mind.  So, I’ve been straight up with Chicken Legs, but I think given the way he is acting/behaving, we need to have a talk.  I don’t know when I will see him again (he’s been out-of-town for work, and now is home with his boys for the next week, then I leave for a work trip)..

So, I know what needs to happen, I need to have another conversation with Chicken Legs and let him know that we are just friends.  No benefits.  And if he doesn’t want to be just friends, well then…  I will miss his friendship.

One last clarification about my Hawaii experience rant.  The “I’m sorry” comment.  All three men I’ve been with since my divorce, all of them, in my opinion, have been verbally assaulted and emotionally abused by their Ex’s.   They have all gotten to the point where they have to apologize for everything… every little thing.  The reason I was so harsh on Chicken Legs is because I don’t want to be the person that causes him to say I’m sorry all the damn time.  I’m an easy-going, relaxed individual who doesn’t expect perfect.  I want better for Chicken Legs, and all of “my men”.  I want the men in my life to feel freedom of being themselves, of being confident in who they are and how they do it.  I want them to relax and have fun with me…. not spend all their time being concerned that they are going to do/done something wrong.

So that’s it…  that’s where I’m at.

My Weekend In Hawaii.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

First and foremost, Hawaii is such a beautiful place.  I spent the weekend on Waikiki Beach, in Honolulu, on the island of Oahu…  the town itself feels old and rundown, but the ocean and beaches were just gorgeous. 

So, the man I went with was a gent from the roster, who from now on will be called Chicken Legs.  Chicken Legs is cute, intelligent, kind..etc..  He is a good person and we do have fun together. But I’ve been ambivalent about him since I met him – when I see him we have fun together, when I don’t see him, I don’t think about him.  We’ve gone out over a dozen times… and still the same thing.  Because he is a great guy, I think I was hoping that I would feel something….

That is why I decided to go to Hawaii with him – I thought that it would be a good time for me to “figure it out”.  My girlfriend’s had their opinions:

  • C-Licious advised me not to go – that I was only doing it to see Hawaii.
  • Unicorns said if it was easy, why not? 
  • FreeBird said go..enjoy it.. live life sister!

I agreed with Unicorns and FreeBird – the trip fell together easily, so I thought to myself, “why not?”  So off I went, flew to Hawaii and spent three days experiencing warm weather, sun on my skin, viewing a spectacularly blue ocean and  the most amazing tropical landscape…   My thoughts on Chicken Legs and the other part of the experience below:

  • Test Drive before you Buy.  Never ever ever ever ever ever ever go on a vacation with someone that you have not test-driven (or taken for a “bike ride” as described by my favorite blogger Grey Goose) before hand.  Hard to share a hotel room with someone you don’t want to touch…   I want that feeling like I can’t get enough of someone…  that passion, that hunger, that desire…   I felt nothing for Chicken Legs. Needless to say, spending time in the hotel room was awkward.  Big mistake on my part…. I will never do that again.  
  •  Emotional Baggage is not attractive.  He has way to much (emotional) baggage. He spent way too much time talking about his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends….  All I can say is that I know far too much about his past.  So much for enjoying our time together. There were definitely 4 of us there – Me, Chicken Legs, and the two exes (Ex-wife and ex-girlfriend). 
  • Too Much chatter …  He loves to talk about all of his girlfriends and what a great lover he is… Girlfriend from college, girlfriend before wife, recent ex-girlfried… The question that swirls around in my head is “really? You should definitely go back to them”.  Honestly, if it was so great, why did it end and why are you interested in me?
  • Quit with the I’m sorry’s! Grow a sack … say I’m sorry when you accidentally hurt me by saying something mean (or doing something mean) … don’t say I’m sorry because you are so pussy whipped by your ex’s that everything you do is an apology.  I want to be with an adult.. a confident, mature man.  Not some insecure 14 year old.

I know, I know, I need to add this to my advice column for men.  But to be completely truthful, I think that a man in his 40+’s should have basic stuff like this figured out.  Chicken Legs just turned 48 …

O.k.. so if you don’t think I’m mean enough yet, here are a couple of funny stories:

  • Size DOES Matter. I love a man that has some girth (no, not that kind of girth… maybe… 🙂 )  5’10 to 6′ feels like the right height to me. I love wrapping my arms (and legs) around a big, broad-shouldered, strong man.  Ummmnhhh Hmmmmhh.  Yum.   I don’t want to feel like the “big” person in the relationship – you know, the extra large person hanging out with the skinny minnie.  Well I did, the entire time.  Chicken Legs is 5’8″.. the shortest guy I’ve ever dated.. ever.   When he wrapped his skinny arms around me, he said to me “whats it like for you to be with such a tall guy?”  I was confused for a moment (I wasn’t the one talking about my ex’s), then I realized that he was talking about himself – how did I feel to finally be with a tall guy…  Honestly, it took everything I had to not laugh out loud.  I didn’t say anything because I know what its like to be with a tall guy…and I like it. And he wasn’t it.  So when Chicken Legs asked me the question, I realized I couldn’t answer honestly…   but then I started thinking, what is going thru his head?!?!  Does he think I date short people, like myself (short and stout?) ??   Whatever was in his head he didn’t share, but he seemed to think that he was tall…  I let him keep his illusion.
  • What others think DOESN’T matter.   Chicken Legs cares what others think… much more than I do.  One of the things he said to me this weekend is that he loves to be with me because of the looks I/we get from others.  I asked him what he meant.. he said that guys stare at me all the time.  Ummn Hmmm, yeahh… they don’t.  Nobody cares about what I’m doing, where I’m at, what I look like.  But Chicken Legs thinks that they do, so this is one of the things that make me attractive to him..   Isn’t that great?  The basis for a solid relationship. 🙂
  • Just Be Yourself.. unless you want to be like me.  Yes, we all know I am a drinker, I make no bones about it. Not sloppy drunk, but I do love cocktail hour….   Knowing this about me, Chicken Legs actually said he loves to drink… He is so NOT a drinker. I know for sure that he isn’t a drinker because a) he said so, b) he was ready to pass up cocktail hour one night, and c) On our last evening in Hawaii, we ended up hanging out with the 3 coolest Australian ladies ever!  The ladies and I tied one on together, Chicken Legs, the drinker.. couldn’t keep up.    I only care about this because I think its important to know who you are – and be comfortable with what you and are not.   Don’t say “I’m a drinker, I love to drink” when its obvious you don’t.  Gees.  Be yourself, don’t conform. 
  • White boys really cannot dance, and sometimes, it’s just obscene.  OMG, we (me and the Australian ladies) danced the night away, Chicken Legs joined us for a song or two.  He is, without a doubt, the worst dancer I’ve ever seen. Think of Elaine’s Dance from Seinfeld, mixed with Seinfeld Straight Arm girl (Molly Shannon character from the Summer of George episode). I’m certainly not the greatest dancer, but I do love it…  and I’ve been with a few men that aren’t the greatest dancers, but they have some moves.  My favorite dancer was Fancy Dancer.. a guy I met at a club in a local bar. We were SO IN SYNC with bad dancing to 80’s songs. He took my number but never called me… I even went so far as to seek him out – yes, I found out who he was and reached out to him via email.  He never responded…  Oh well, I go to my grave knowing I tried (and Fancy Dancer is missing out on a real “bike ride” with Paula!)..

 O.k.. so that’s enough about the vacation.  I know, I am going to  have to let Chicken Legs down easy…. words of advise/wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Spray Tan, 3 H’s, Cat Chasing Tail….

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

O.k. so I’m at home, should be sleeping because I have a huge day tomorrow – I’m about to (not that confident about it given that I have not spent the night working) pass my last official work “toll-gate”… My plan is to get up early, practice, and pass…..  I’ll update you on my status tomorrow.

Tonight, my mind is on other things.  Here are the “songs” in the Paula Jukebox, in list form (what else did you expect??):

  • I  just got my first spray tan today a few hours ago.  LOVE IT.  I feel skinnier because all my questionable areas were sprayed with color (doest this automatically make you 10 lbs lighter???) .  Downer is that I can’t go near water for 24 hours… fine by me.  Who needs to wash their face, take a shower??? Certainly not me . And in the name of vanity, I’ll stay away from water as long as it takes to make the color soak into my glowing white (almost blue) skin. If all goes as planned, I’m adicted, and love my warm colored skin…   
  • 3 H’s post.  I’ve thought a lot about it… and the comments I’ve received are intersting.  My favorite, most thought provoking comment is from Harold.  I have been lucky enough to experience the 3 H’s more than once… but the man that continues to capture my heart (head and soul) is not Dear Paula letter writer.  Dear Paula letter writer was an opportunity to feel it.. had a possibility of something…. I have  no idea what this “something” could or would be.   I definitely experienced the 3 H’s with the man before him…. and is the person I miss tremendously.  I’ve promised anonymity to him so he will forever be nameless and faceless… but he was perfectly imperfect to me – exactly what I want.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him…  a day that I wish I could see him, spend time with him.  We just clicked, connected… just naturally had the 3 H’s (no work required to have it all).  I wish he was in a different place so I could experience the 3 H’s with him again (I know, so selfish… all about me)….   But alas, life has its own agenda…he is busy… I don’t get what I want (poor me).
  • Zoey is on fire tonight –  for whatever reason, she is/has been chasing her tail for 30 minutes.  I have no idea what has fired her up .. I’ve not given her any catnip (cocaine, crack, etc)…  she’s just on fire… feels energy.. experiencing life.  It’s so fun to watch. Sophie, on the other hand, has found the highest, safest ground AWAY from Zoey..   

I just realized that I have tears running down my face (yes, thinking of unmentionable 3 H man makes me tear up)…  my spray tan may be ruined!  If it so obvious that I ruined my spray tan I will take a pic and share it with you….   will be interesting..

Stab At Online Dating

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Short  and sweet entry tonight.

I don’t know how I came across Grey Goose’s site, but I have to say, when I have a few moments, I love to read what she writes.  My online dating experience has been somewhat similar – there are a bunch of crazies out there. …  and how I figure to work within this crazy world is beyond me.  Grey Goose definitely guides me… and adds a sense of humor/hilarity to it all. 

In support of GG’s findings, that online dating websites really do suck, I found this YouTube video, making fun of one of the most ridiculous online dating sites – eHarmony, with their take on it.  Its called eHerpes.  Check out the cold sores on the folks.. classic fun.  Not that there is anything wrong with herpes… full disclosure is good….