Relationships

Dating at 40.

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Dating at 40 is very different than it was when I was in my 20’s.. I spent  my 30’s married and divored.  Now, at 40, the scene has changed significantly.

First and foremost, I wanted to let everyone know, that the man who sent me the Dear Paula Letter is a kind person.  I was lucky to spend every minute with him, he was of the upmost calliber – he was a true gentleman with the highest of integrity, was honest to the bone, had true grit, had the greatest energy, and was a blast to be with.  He has set the bar very high for the next round of gents I date.  So please don’t confuse my sadness with anything that he did.  I own my grief….  I was/am sad that the person I truly enjoyed being with, that I had tons of fun with, that I conncted with did not feel the same way about me.  Oh well, that is part of life.  I’ve got my big girl pants on now… its fine.

What I have been pondering lately is the new dating scene I’ve found myself in.  I’ve been thinking a lot about these past few weeks.  There are a couple of things I’ve learned/am learning/will continue to ponder:

  1. What I find attractive is so very different now.    What I wanted in my 20’s is definitely NOT what I want now.  In my 20’s I was looking for someone in my same boat – single, looking to build a partnership/relationship in the spirit of creating a family.   I don’t want this anymore.  I am single, without kids, but given my experience with my niece, I feel like I’ve lived a full life – raised my kids,  enjoyed the ups and downs of unconditional love.  I do not need to give birth to a baby to feel complete.  So I have no biological clock ticking ….  I am looking for someone who is NOT looking to start a new family, is older, wiser, wants to develop a strong friendship/bond, and a fun, drama free relationship.
  2.  Whats on the Market Now.   On the market now are either single guys in their 40’s or divorced men  in their 40’s.  Given the option to date a single person with no children or a divorced person with “extras”.  I’d pick the divorced man.  40+ year old men without a long term relationship and/or a family just does not have enough life experience for me.  They are often too needy, still want someone to mother/take care of them…   I don’t want to be someones mother, I want someone who can take care of themself (like I do).  So, I go for the more complex option – man with history/a past.  I want someone who has struggled, has learned about themselves, has dealt with adversity, and is able to clearly articulate who they are and what makes them happy, sad, energized, etc..  I know that being with this kind of man presents its own challenges,  meaning they may have kids, ex-wives, financial setbacks…  I get it.    But I’m o.k. with this – I am attracted to men who take care of their families, who want the best for those around them, who know how to compromise, know how to make tough decisions, know how to communicate.  Its just what I prefer – and its a good thing, because at 40, there are adult men, good men out there who have been through the ringer, and are looking for a solid, genuine, independent woman to share a few good times with.
  3. The Art of Dating.  For one, I don’t think I have dating game – I want to get there and meet new people, find friendships, establish connections, and just maybe, find that special somone I can explore this life with.  But I have no idea really how to go about doing this because everything is different now (points 1 & 2 above) …. … This hit me while I was getting my hair done and reading the Dating Virgins  article in this months Marie Claire.  Basically this article points out that women (and men I suspect)  tend to fall back into the comfort of a full relationship rather than enjoy dating.  Dating can fun – getting to know someone is exciting.  My favorite quote from the article is “dating is a marathon, not a sprint.”.  Personally, I’m in no hurry to get into another relationship –  I have no end goal that I’m trying to accomplish.  But after reading the article, maybe I do ..   just because I don’t know what I’m doing AND when I find someone I like, I do want to spend as much time with that person as possible…… maybe this is too much too soon?  I don’t know.   This is something I’m going to watch as I begin my dating adventures.  My focus will be on enjoying the moment of getting to know someone, not pushing, not rushing, just enjoy what is.

 So, dating is different now.  I’ve changed, and the dating pool has changed, the game has changed.  I’m open to this new life, willing to take that leap of faith, get out there and have fun with a lot of  intersting adult men.  I’ve got nothing to lose and a whole lot of new friendships to gain and interesting experiences to have.

Go Paula!



Dear Paula Letter.

PaulasPonderings6 Comments

I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Cha Cha Cha Changes.

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My life is about to change in a big way…. both good and bad.  Most of the changes in our lives happen due to unexpected events….    There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, changes I can’t talk about, but changes that will alter the course of my life.  I’m scared.  I either make it or I don’t.   I have little to zero control over what has happened, but I am in control of what I do now…  how I react to the situation, how I move forward.  I’m taking it one day (maybe an hour??) at a time so anxiety doesn’t consume me.

In addition to these changes, I spend a lot of time at the end of the year reflecting on the year, my choices, life happenstance.  This year, I made a lot of choices that are irreversable, and now, things beyond my control have altered my lifestyle…  I’ve been thrown up in the air, my feet are facing the sky, my back is down, and I’m looking to turn it around before the new year begins…  we shall see.   I have no idea how I’m going to land, but I am making a plan to land on my feet.

Someone To Count On.

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The move is over.  All items have been moved into my new home.  I now have the task of unpacking all my boxes, finding places for the things I have.    I moved from 1900 sq ft to 1200 sq ft so as I unpack, I will be selling stuff.  I do not plan on putting anything on storage – if I don’t use it, out it goes – I don’t need it.

The reason I write today is because of what is on my mind.  I have been very stressed out about my financial situation (no more cash cushion), the move, and my job.  Yes, when it rains, it pours.  I think there is a new strategy at play at work, and I will not be a part of this new strategy…  this news has come at a very bad time for me given my jump back into real estate.

This is the time that I would really love to have someone in my life that I could count on, that I could lean on.   Life is not easy – it often throws us curve-balls, I get it, but its at these times that it would be nice to have someone in my corner.  I am scared, I am stressed, I have a ton of anxiety….  I would love to be able to turn to a partner, my partner, and have them just give me a hug and say, “it will be o.k., we’ll get thru it together”.  I’d like to say I’ve had this in my life, but I haven’t.  I’ve had boyfriends that have comforted me, give me the support I needed, but alas it was not permanent.  My EX, did not know how to be supportive (compassionate, empathetice, etc..), but I thought that would change with marriage… FYI, it did NOT. 

Anyway, I think it takes a lot of work to have a relationship where someone truly has your back and you theirs.  That you can trust and they trust you – with your lives.   I have friends who have relationships like this, and its so nice to see its possible. 

My friends have been very supportive…  My peeps definitely take care of me, support me when I’m down, out, or otherwise dis-enchanted.  I’m lucky to have them in my life.

Road Trip.

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I spent the weekend with family.  It was a busy but rewarding weekend.

The fabulous A’s came out, my niece and her daughter, and we drove a car to UT, the one she will  use to get herself to and from school.  Its a great beauty – an older truck that has been very well taken care of (thank you Dancing Queen) but has plenty of life left in her.  Her name – Ethel.  We loved Ethel, she is in the prime of her life.   I’ll post pictures of Ethel in a few days. 

We started our drive on Saturday morning, stopped off in Winemucca, NV (where “there is always something going on” according to the 100’s of billboards up to the Hills Have Eyes town) for a bite to eat, slept in Elko, NV, and finished our trip in Lehi, UT, which is where I’m now.  My flight from SLC to CA was cancelled this evening, I’m heading home to the cats tomorrow. 

I would normally be annoyed by the airlines not being able to get their act together, but not this time.  I feel relieved as now I am able to spend time with family.  My mom is taking caree of her a few of her grandkids – my youngest sisters kids. One of them is Bubba, a nephew that is near and dear to my heart. I fell in love with this little guy the minute I met him – named him Bubba myself.  Not because he looked like a fat man who played a part in Deliverance, but because he had the warmest spirit and biggest smile of any little boy I knew.  My heart melted, and Bubba has had a special place in my heart since.

Anyway, due to a family emergency, the boys are are here at Grandma’s.  And tonight, I’m the lucky one – I get to sleep with one of my favorite men of all time – Bubba.  I’m headed to bed soon, he is fast asleep…  so adorable!  I hear he snores and likes to kick….   who doesn’t?!??!

All in all, this is an experience I will remember.  Glad I did it. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.  And who doesn’t like a lady who smiles?

New Horizons.

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So, today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m on my way home, begin work on Monday, and fall back into the basic routine of my everyday life.

But today is one of the most memorable for me.  I just completed a vacation where I got uninterrupted time with both my mother and my neice. 

I spent 3 days, 2 nights with my mother, who told me stories about she and my father, about their parents, and their grandparents.  It was fascinating to learn more about my parents NOT as parents, but as people; as children, teenagers, and young folks; to hear about their lives, growing up, and the history that has influenced who I am.  I will share some of these stories as I process them.

I also  spent 3  nights, 3 days with my niece, who I feel as close to as a daughter (I imagine).  We talked about anything and everything; her children (3 and 1, the darlingist little ladies in the world!!), our family, our relationship, our past, her future….   I am so incredibly proud of her.   You see, I had custody of her years ago, during her teenage years.  Unfortunately for all of us, we needed to place her in a girls school for  a year.  We chose a school in Hurricane, UT because of its program to counsel vs. punish…  Today, 5 years later, my neice and I went to the school, drove thu Hurricane, and relived that difficult time.   The experience feels both like it happened yesterday AND forever ago.

The reason that today was so special for me is because of how much my niece has matured and what a great person she has become.  I knew this day would come, I had confidence in her, I believed in her… and today, her plans for herself and her girls, proved to me that the difficult experience we had was all worth it.   Its hard to believe that the 2 year old I fell head over heals in love with is now 21, a mother of 2 very happy and healthy girls, and a  college student.  She amazes me.

I have a few pictures of us, with town of Hurricane, UT behind us (so fitting).  What I’ve shared here is a view of Hurricane without us as to not blow my cover.  BTW, the pictures of us turned out fabulously – we are absolutely gorgeous!!  🙂

My Reclusive Years.

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I had lunch with a friend last week, a very good friend.  I have known him for years, since college.  He and I moved to San Francisco at the same time and have always stayed friends.  He is fantastic… 

Anyway, at lunch, he asked me if I was out of my reclusive period yet.  I laughed, but he is/was right.  I’ve not reached out to many people in two years.  My layoff/seperation was two years ago. My divorce became final a year ago (thanks to the persistent work of The Ex).  I’ve not gotten out much, even with close friends.  I have stayed home, removed myself from the world and all its goings-on, so that I could recover.

I do not love lightly.  I fall and fall hard.  I give it my all.  To me, for me, relationships are the most important aspect of life.  The people that you take care of, that take care of you, NOT out of obligation, but because of geniuine care and concern for that persons well-being – that is priceless.  I do talk about this a lot because I could not have made it thru these last few years without my friends. I can name a 1/2 dozen folks who I can attribute my recovery to.  I thank god everyday that I have these folks in my life. 

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this one phrase, “the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less”.  In my marriage, I did not have the power, I had the exact opposite.  Zero power.  So why is it, that the person with the power, does nothing with it?  Now I want to be the one with the power.. but to care, to love, is to give up the power. To take risks.  Of all things to take a risk on, isn’t love the best one?

I still am in shock how absent my EX really was, how many other relationships he had while we were married, how he said he wanted to still be married while carrying on with others.  The person he bacame.  I was fooled, fooled in a big way.  Not that I’m a victim, I knew things weren’t right, butI didn’t want to give up.  My partner had already given up and moved on.  So why would he do what he did? Why would’t he just move on?

 I think I have been reclusive because, honestly,  I just dont want to get hurt again.   Playing it safe, not putting myself out there, boxing myself into a ‘persona’ if you will, the Crazy Cat Lady….  its been safe and comfortable. Keeps me in the power seat…

For whatever reason, it hit me last week – I’m alone.  Not lonely, just alone.  I have begun thinking about what its going to take to meet someone, to have someone around that wants to be with me, where we have fun, laugh a lot, and in general, enjoy each others company.  The thought is a bit overwhelming, but it has now entered my realm of possibility.  I think that things happen for a reason – that your brain lets you think about things that you can/are able to contemplate….

At the very least, I know of some folks that will be happy to see me again.

Marketing Matters.

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This was a statement from a very good friend of mine at dinner this evening.  It was said in the context of business, but as I thought about it, it applies to a lot of things , including one’s personal life.

So its been years since I’ve dated, and now that I’m almost 40, I will begin dating as an ‘older person’… this line struck very close to home.

Dating at 40 is not easy.  Men that are available are either married or just out of marriages and interested in just getting out there and/or dating younger women. I think its just a phase (as I explained to my friend), but it is what it is.  My opinion is that eventually these men will come to and realize that what they really want is a partner; someone that cares about them, that they care about, that the feeling is mutual, and the sex is great.   He agreed.  It is sometimes this simple.

The point my friend was making is that no matter what, “Marketing Matters”; so the way you present yourself is key.  His first recommendation was that I NOT wear the pants I had on as they are not flattering…    I don’t often look at what I put on, I just throw it on..  and the pants I threw on were my Trade Show pants (those of you in the software business knows what this means).   His point was that no matter whatever you are doing – from building/selling a company to grocery shopping,  that the way you market and present yourself matters.

I had not thought about it this way, but right now his advice is ringing true – if you want to draw something/someone into your life, well then, dress the part!!  So, I need new pants (and this is NOT the first time I’ve heard this… I was told this very same thing by someone else while in a different pair of pants).. and I need to walk a bit taller, exude confidence, and just be myself, and get some new pants.

Again, its about putting myself out there, and putting myself out there in the right pants.  😉  Kidding of course.   I do get the message and I thank my dear friend for making it.   I consider myself enlightened.

Pleasant Surprises.

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So, life is full of surprises. A very good surprise happened to me this evening – I got a call from an old friend.  It is simple: someone I really really like, thought about me and took action to give me a call… Not only did it put the biggest smile on my face, my mood lightened, my heart sang (oh yes it did!!). 

I’ve been thinking too much lately, been in a funk if you will (the woe is me type of feeling). Usually when I’m in this kind of mood,  I pacify myself by telling myself (over and over and over again) how lucky I am to: be alive, not be living in Afghanistan, have all my limbs, have an education, money in the bank, etc.. There is a lot to be grateful for is the point, I get it.

But tonight, like I said, I got a surprise call from a friend, a friend that I absolutely adore. Someone who is too modest and tells me all the reasons I shoudn’t adore them, which, of course, makes me adore them all the more. There are very few people in this world that I would drop everything for and/or do anything for…. (after all, I am Paula and IT IS ALL ABOUT ME), this is one of those friends. 

This surprise call happened over an hour ago, and I still cant stop smiling..  which brings me to the topic of this entry: Pleansant Surprises.  Isn’t this what life is really about?

Life goes on, its a matter of fact, it just does (unless, of course, you are dead). You are either living or dead.  But what makes life worth living?  Yes, I know, people will say (you might even say) money, a great house, kids… all trappings of what “life” is supposed to be about, what has been defined as “a successful life”.    But, I do think, after you lose everything you think you wanted you realize that life is made up of experiences… moments in time, which can be good and bad (although I think we all prefer the good)… and when good things happen, even if it is as simple as a phone call from a friend, this is the treasure of life.

I’m not sure what happened to me (although I’m sure my family and friends do!), but its no longer about things.  I am perging things like there is no tomorrow… somewhere in this seperation/divorce mess, I’ve learned to detach myself from the “things” in my life and become not attached, but so appreciative of the small things that bring meaning to my life.

I love my friends, and I love that they not only think of me, but that they take the time to reach out to me… it means a lot.

So, if you have a friend that you think about often but have not talked to in a while, take the time this holiday season to reach out to them.  It means a lot, for the both of you. Could be a renewed connection, an estranged family member,  or someone that had a great impact/influence in your life.  Just do it – take the first step, be the bigger person, and make it happen – reach out and connect with your fellow human being.  And maybe, just maybe, your friend is reading this blog entry, and they give you a call!  If they do, embrace them, cherish their effort, and enjoy the fact that someone out there is thinking about you.

Alright, yes, I will stop drinking the red nectar of the gods and go to bed.  I hope my point has been made and you all get off your duffs and DO SOMETHING.

🙂