Paula's Ponderings

I had lunch with a friend last week, a very good friend.  I have known him for years, since college.  He and I moved to San Francisco at the same time and have always stayed friends.  He is fantastic… 

Anyway, at lunch, he asked me if I was out of my reclusive period yet.  I laughed, but he is/was right.  I’ve not reached out to many people in two years.  My layoff/seperation was two years ago. My divorce became final a year ago (thanks to the persistent work of The Ex).  I’ve not gotten out much, even with close friends.  I have stayed home, removed myself from the world and all its goings-on, so that I could recover.

I do not love lightly.  I fall and fall hard.  I give it my all.  To me, for me, relationships are the most important aspect of life.  The people that you take care of, that take care of you, NOT out of obligation, but because of geniuine care and concern for that persons well-being – that is priceless.  I do talk about this a lot because I could not have made it thru these last few years without my friends. I can name a 1/2 dozen folks who I can attribute my recovery to.  I thank god everyday that I have these folks in my life. 

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this one phrase, “the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less”.  In my marriage, I did not have the power, I had the exact opposite.  Zero power.  So why is it, that the person with the power, does nothing with it?  Now I want to be the one with the power.. but to care, to love, is to give up the power. To take risks.  Of all things to take a risk on, isn’t love the best one?

I still am in shock how absent my EX really was, how many other relationships he had while we were married, how he said he wanted to still be married while carrying on with others.  The person he bacame.  I was fooled, fooled in a big way.  Not that I’m a victim, I knew things weren’t right, butI didn’t want to give up.  My partner had already given up and moved on.  So why would he do what he did? Why would’t he just move on?

 I think I have been reclusive because, honestly,  I just dont want to get hurt again.   Playing it safe, not putting myself out there, boxing myself into a ‘persona’ if you will, the Crazy Cat Lady….  its been safe and comfortable. Keeps me in the power seat…

For whatever reason, it hit me last week – I’m alone.  Not lonely, just alone.  I have begun thinking about what its going to take to meet someone, to have someone around that wants to be with me, where we have fun, laugh a lot, and in general, enjoy each others company.  The thought is a bit overwhelming, but it has now entered my realm of possibility.  I think that things happen for a reason – that your brain lets you think about things that you can/are able to contemplate….

At the very least, I know of some folks that will be happy to see me again.