Life Is Changing.

the juggleLots of thoughts going on in my brain… I’m struggling a bit these days… here is why.

Dating.  Feeling Foolish.  I just found out from a very reliable source that Italian Stallion was indeed dating others.  I feel foolish for trusting him. Makes me feel gullible.  Now I get why we never went out in public.. why he broke up with me when and how he did.. as I hear more about him and his antics, I realize that I was foolish and naive.   Bums me out.  Not that I’m upset that we are not together, I’m upset that people are no longer trust-worthy.  They don’t deserve trust or the benefit of the doubt.  My heart tells me that people are innocent until proven guilty. But this is just not reality – I have to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s so opposite of my personality…  Makes me want to crawl into my own space and not deal with people.

Dating. ATrain.  Went to the Bahamas with ATrain (more on this soon) and he suggested that we get back together.  Damn straight I’m a great partner.  I’m angry and frustrated that he didn’t see it before….   Can I get over the fact that he didn’t see it when we were together?  Can I really start over fresh with him? It really doesn’t help that he is pouring it on thick while I’m dealing with my Italian Stallion experience (above).  There are things I want, things that I shared with him, all have to do with feeling secure and stable:

  • Living space.  I want to live with my partner.  For us, we would need at least a 3/2 and some significant change (i.e. ATrain puts everything on the countertops.. a messy countertop drives me insane… insane I tell you. I cannot focus if there is shit on the counter.).
  • Security.  We either get married or I have that same security through documentation. I don’t want to worry about where my next meal is coming from.
  • Status.  he needs to be divorced. No more excuses.

But when I think about it, really think about it, there are a few things that I want that I have not admitted to or shared out loud. If I’m going to have it all, here is what I would add to the list:

  • Child. I want one. Doesn’t have to be a baby.. but a child. That I can raise. It is not about giving birth, it is about having an experience and a positive impact in this world. But is this even reasonable? I am almost 45…and I do love my sleep. I want this, but only if I have a great partner. Doing it alone is not for me.
  • Work Part Time. Especially important if I have a kid. I do not want to deal with unrealistic expectations and unreasonable hours.
  • Freedom. I want a partner for life. But I also want the freedom to experience others once in a while. I’m not sure that monogamy is possible…  so many cheaters.. why be a cheater when you can be honest and up front with a partner?  Is this possible – to make an agreement that is amenable to both parties re: sexual liaisons?

I know. These others are very big deals and difficult to discuss…  I am not sure how important they are to me until I meet a partner that is worthy of having this discussion with.

Work.  New Adventure.  So I found a new job.  I signed the employment agreement last week.  I officially start in June but will be doing some work prior to starting.  Ever since this happened, I am experiencing anxiety.  I did so much due diligence on the company and the leadership team, I cannot imagine that this is why the anxiety has kicked in. I think that my last job really had a negative impact on me. I’m lucky I have a few months to get over whatever is going on….

Family.  As you all know my family has been through a lot in the last 6 months.  Things are smoothing out… AbFab is speaking with her mother again, the girls have seen their Grandma again…  My twin is doing very well. The cats are healthy for now..  My parents are my parents – retired and loving it.

Not sure what else there is to share… I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Please share your journey and/or thoughts.

Advertisements

Currently Unemployed.

my name is unemployedYep.  Last week I was going about my business at work when I was called into a conference room by the president of the company.  The purpose of the meeting was to discuss the reasons why customers are not renewing their contracts with the company.  I have shared this information with the executive team for months… so it was odd that he wanted to meet with me to discuss.

Apparently the executives didn’t hear (or want to hear) the truth. Based on the feedback I received (which is ironic because the person delivering the news NEVER spoke with any of my customers) was that the customers churned because they didn’t get the “attention they needed”.  They certainly were not – the company did not support any initiatives to improve customer issues.  I was terminated on the spot.  My computer confiscated.  I wasn’t quite walked out, but the closest I’ve ever been to it.

This company was horrible – the worst working experience I’ve had to date from a company perspective (Man Hands was the worst colleague I’ve ever worked with).  It had a terrible company culture, the leadership was significantly lacking in integrity, SaaS experience, and product delivery.  I knew something was wrong 3 weeks into the job but I didn’t want to admit I had made a mistake.  I put my head down and did what was necessary.. I didn’t want to give up, I wanted it to work.  The lesson I have learned – trust my instincts.  

I will write more later on this topic as it’s a juicy one.  I just wanted to provide an update to my friends out there that I don’t speak to on a regular basis.

What is next for me?  Right now I’m taking some time off. I am in Utah helping my very pregnant niece and her family. … I am spending some quality time with my grand nieces Mayonaise and Shanaynay.  Right now  I want to take 6 months off, re-evaluate my career, and find something that I’m going to love.  I definitely do not have the means to do this so I’m am thinking of ways to make enough to cover my expenses while I think through what I need, where I want to live, and what I want to be when I grow up.   I’m seriously considering obtaining a TEFL certificate and returning to Turkey to teach English.  Why not?

I’d love to hear from anyone who has taken a hiatus from their regular work, who has shifted careers in mid-life, or that has taught English abroad…

Taking Some Time Off.

southern_coast_of_turkey

Hello all.

So much has happened in these last few months.

  • Family – AbFab’s husband lost his legs in a work accident.  Here is a news video of how he survived – inspirational.  They are both so strong, so resilient. The kids – Mayonaise and Shanaynay are doing well and they love their dad with or without legs.
  • Travel – I had an opportunity to go to Turkey and I did it.  I went to Turkey for 10 days with one of my best friends – Unicorns. She suggested it one week, we booked our tickets the next week, then we left the next week. Impromtu.  It was one of, if not the best trip I’ve ever taken. More on this later.
  • Work – not going well at all…the product doesn’t work and leadership is lacking – in both inspiration and direction.  Every team works in silo’s – Sales selling product we don’t have, Product delivering product that doesn’t work.  Since I work with customers every day, I feel the chaos. These people, our customers, put their careers on the line to purchase and adopt our technology. And we consistently let them down.

So, I’ve made a decision.  I made it a few weeks ago, but I’ve been letting it stew in my brain for a bit before making it a reality.  I am resigning.  I will let my manager know on Friday. My last day will be Nov. 13th. I am resigning before having another job.   My plan is to get centered again. This will include spending time with myself, getting healthy, traveling, and reconnecting with family and friends.

Not only will I be starting an exercise regimen, I will be traveling.  I plan to go back to Istanbul during the Thanksgiving holiday. Then I plan to spend a few weeks in Utah with AbFab and her family. I will also see my twin sister and my parents. My goal during this time away from work is to focus on me and doing what makes me happy.  And in my spare time I will look for work.

I am aware that this is extremely risky.  But I am burnt out. I may just do some consulting work and continue to think well into 2016…  Only time will tell what opens up to me.  But I’m not doing “this” again – busting my ass for a company that doesn’t appreciate the work that I do. I will not make myself physically sick with stress and work overload.  I WILL find a great company, that has great leadership, and that will appreciate my skills, abilities, and what I bring to the table.  That’s it.  Until this time, I will find consulting jobs that will support me.  That is my decision.

So yes, I am throwing caution to the wind and moving forward with what my heart is telling me is the right thing for me.  Although I am tidying up things around the house and checking out local yoga studios, I will officially begin my journey of self-rediscovery on Nov. 2nd with Oprah and Deepak 21 day meditation series – Become What You Believe.  I plan to update this blog very regularly as I go through my reinvention – writing thoughts down really helps me.

If any of you have ever done this before, I’d love to hear your thoughts on what worked, what didn’t.. Or if you haven’t, I’d love to hear what you would do if you made such a decision – would you travel, stay at home, visit with family, friends, etc… ?

My next blog will be about my experience in Turkey – which I loved – both the country and the people.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig.

2015_06_OnVacationA-Train and I have returned from vacation. It was a fabulous trip, one of the best I’ve ever had in this country.  We went to Terranea Resort and Spa in Rancho Palos Verdes, just a short 45 minutes from LAX.  I would highly recommend it.  It was a fabulous resort – the room was fantastic, it had a great variety of restaurants on-site, and the service was fantastic.  It was sooo relaxing.  It was exactly what I needed.  I was surprised that A-Train treated and was into this vacation because it isn’t his style.  But he was actually fun to hang out with – he reminded me of the A-Train that I met a long time ago.

I took much needed time away from work and computers.  I checked my email only once and that was it.  I happened to get a new phone last week and I was not able to connect it to work email before I left.  It was a blessing.  It was so nice to disconnect for such a long period of time. First time in quite a few years that I stepped away from work.

I’m slowly transitioning back to the work world this week.  I’m not doing an exceptional job at it.  Good thing that tomorrow is Friday!

I have some great plans this weekend, one of which is to sit by a pool, sipping wine and catching up with my girlfriends.  Sort of like an extension of my fabulous vacation.  Living the dream.  🙂

Home For Memorial Day Weekend.

photoI’m home from Nashville.  I arrived home in CA last Friday with some sort of ailment from being in the “dome” (aka Nashville Gaylord hotel) for so long.  Funny thing – I just did a search for Nashville Gaylord so I could provide a link and what is auto-populated in my Google search?  Nashville Gaylord Hotel Virus.  I kid you not – take a look for yourself.  Anyway, I didn’t get fresh air for days – 4 days to be exact.  It was like being in Vegas or Orlando… maybe that is what caused my dementia.  I’m feeling a bit better now, even though I did catch something while away and am recovering from some sort of head cold.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was on a business trip, and even with all my thoughts, I did manage to get out and connect with my customers, who have now become friends.  I’m lucky that I can talk to anyone about anything, my life experience has given me that.  For that I should be grateful.  It is a gift – and works out perfectly for the role I play in my work life.

On a personal front I can be a bit of a recluse.  I love my alone time.  I spend all my days talking to people, negotiating priorities, and solving problems.  I get tired of talking on the phone and dealing with other people’s wants, needs, desires.    Having a bit of quiet time in the evenings work for me – quiet time to decompress.  I realize that I soon will need to get out and meet other people. People outside of work and my safe, familiar friend network.  Someday that will happen, I’m just not ready yet. And that is o.k..  I’m o.k. with it…

So I have no plans for this long weekend.  Do you? Are you doing anything fun by yourself? with others?  The picture above is the good company I keep during my quiet periods..Sophie is never more than 2 feet from me at all times.  Aren’t I lucky?

 

New Year is Here. I’m Ready.

perfect sunrise-j3imageryI’m super excited about the New Year. The last few years have not been good for me.  That’s why I’ve not written – no one needs another sad sob story to read or relate to.  BUT, changes have been underway, and 2015 is going to be a great year.  Which I’m happy to share.  Not the Facebook “I’m great and my family is perfect” kind of post/dialog, but a real-life, grateful that I’m here without all the “god bless” and “thank you god” shit.  God didn’t help me down or up, it was all me.  And I’m taking all the credit for it.  I waited patiently for something to happen and nothing did. When I got sick of waiting, shit happened. I MADE IT HAPPEN.  I did it.  I realized the problem, I fixed it, or at the very least have started pushing the ball in a forward motion.

Anyway, the last couple of years have been horrible.  Every time I felt like the tide was turning in my favor, I was wrong.  Life socked it to me, year over year.  and it didn’t get better for a very long time.  Until 5 months ago.  When I decided to stop waiting, things started changing.  What did I do? I stopped being so passive.  I stopped waiting for:

  • Work to recognize me and I recognized me. I recognized the amount of time I put into a job that I loved but wasn’t paying me back – financially or professionally.
  • My boyfriend to save me.  He has means and he likes to share.  Just so happens that it’s not with me. And that is o.k.  I can fix what I created….  and I’ve started down that path. When I succeed, I’ll know I did it, that it was all me.. (there will be a lot of discussion on what a Parter is in 2015)

And now I’m going to get out of my own way and I’m going to make shit happen.  I felt old, tired, and irrelevant a few months ago.  I’m moving towards feeling younger, revitalized, and more creative…..  I’ll outline my plan in my New Years Resolution post..

Exciting things to come this year.. yeah for me, yeah for 2015!  I hope you all have or feel the same level of excitement and energy.  If not, I get it, believe me I do..

 

New Year is A’Coming.

big-changes-coming-soonI get SUPER EXCITED about the New Year – I see it as an opportunity for reflection and change.  I love to look back on the year, see where I am, where I am not, as compared to my goals and aspirations.

This year was the first year I did not write down my resolutions – and I’m paying for it.  I have no way to measure myself, and I feel like I wasted most of the year.  I gave up on 2014 about 4-5 months ago.  A lost year for me.  I wanted to do so much, but did almost none of what I wanted.  This year, I’m starting early.

I feel like I’ve already started on my 2015 resolutions. I do not want another year to go by and be in the same place.  I’m serious about making a plan and working that plan….

One of the biggest changes that happened already is a job change.  I really wanted to call Zuora home, but they were like family that only wants you to stay a few days, not for a while.  I tried my best to stay, worked really hard to do something amazing. . Alas, I clued in that we weren’t on the same page so I moved on.  Bums me out as I loved the technology and all my customers…  but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.  I’ve been at the new company for a month now, so far so good.  I’m taking a lead, doing what I love (to organize things, make a difference), and learning new things.  I am looking forward to finding my professional home – the place that feels like home when I’m not home. So far so good.  So far there aren’t any real politics that I can see, just a great bunch of good, solid, really smart people all working towards the same objective/goal/outcome.  Great technology and culture.  I feel like I fit in.  It will be a matter of time before I figure out if I do or not.

I’ve spent the last 10 months trying to break up with A-Train.  I love him, but I’m convinced we are not meant to be a couple. For a variety of excuses reasons, It hasn’t happened yet.  He is a super nice guy, I love being around him, we just aren’t a good team.  My fear of losing him as a friend stops me from doing what is best for the both of us.  Although I still do not know why in the world he wants to be with me – I’m a horrible girlfriend.  I will someday provide a list of all the ways I’m a horrible girlfriend….

Anyway, one resolution is to write more.  I like to write, its therapeutic for me, and I love the advice/wisdom I get from my readers.  So expect more this year from me. I’m ready to deliver.

Keep me honest folks – hold me to my goals and commitments!