Bestie Might Move.

Stating the very obvious, it has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy working my ass off.  I’ve been focused on my career, on making a substantial difference in the first 90 days.

I’m so busy, why write now?  Because my best friend has been interviewing for a phenomenal job opportunity.  It has been a long and arduous process.  But the process is nearing a conclusion and it looks very very promising.  I am so happy for her.  This opportunity is what she has been working so hard for – and to be completely honest, what women, in the software industry, have been wanting for so long – the coveted executive position. The only catch is that she has to move – to Seattle.  Which is a great place to live, we have friends there, and the cost of living is so much more livable than the Bay Area.

My heart hurts.  The thought of losing another bestie to another state makes me really sad. Really sad, crying sad.  I have 4 besties. Girlfriends that I’ve made plans to retire with:

  • Unicorns – who may potentially move to Seattle
  • CLicious – who moved to Utah 2 years ago
  • Jewels – currently dealing with a personal tragedy so great that it will take many years to heal
  • My longest bestie – probably knows the most about me. She is married with her own life on the East Coast

I have other friends that are around that care about me and I them.  With more effort on my part they could become substantial influences and best friends.

Right now what I am feeling is the simple sadness of missing someone.  Unicorns left for Europe right when I separated from my Ex.  I was so happy for her, but the depth of the alone-ness that I felt was devastating.  I do not know where I would be if CLicious and her husband hadn’t adopted me and included me in everything that they did.  They made me family… I will never forget their generosity.

The thought of Unicorns moving away has my stomach in knots, my heart torn apart.  I am very upset about it.  I automatically have gone back to the place I was 8 years ago – during the divorce and her departure.  Later, I remember clearly when CLicious left. I spent 6 months in a daze.  I had to relearn how to live, I had to figure out a new routine.  I can say I am still not completely over her departure. The thought of not having both Unicorns and CLicious makes me very sad.  And alone.

I am 45 years old.  I have no children.  My career is great…. but I am certainly not where I want or thought I would be at 45….  I love the company, the work, the potential.  But I am not a VP. If I work hard I can make the executive ranks in a few years….  so what, so I will be a VP when I reach my 50’s?  Is that really what is important? Is that really what I want?  No.

So what do I want?  I want a partner. Someone who I can be vulnerable with. Someone that I can support and who supports me.  I want a relationship where we have each others backs.  We look after each other, care for one another. What do I need? I need to feel secure and safe.   I am not lonely so it isn’t about just being with someone, with anyone. It’s about sharing life with a super special person that I care about and they care for me.

Yes, I have ATrain, the Ex, who wants to get back together.  I can’t see this being successful.  Not because he isn’t serious about it. He loves me. I love him.  Personality wise we make a great team.  But at the end of the day, I do not think we want the same things. He is happy with how things are. I want so much more.

Anyway, what you just got is my ramblings after drinking a few glasses of red wine….  Not that wine is required.  I’ve been so busy these last few months… busy and exhausted. With what you may ask?

  • I’ve been working my ass off at my new job (90 days in and so far so good).
  • Commuting..  taking public transportation and listening to podcasts to fill the time.
  • Totaled my car.. and just bought a new-to-me car.
  • Pre-registered want-to-be owner of a Tesla Model 3.
  • Trappings of a regular life – work and personal travel, family stuff, etc..

I will do my best to write more regularly.  My dramatic reaction to my bestie moving away  inspired me to write tonight.

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Pool Time == Vacation Time.

2015-07-19-Coppola Winery Pool DayI love pool time.  Any time that I am able to spend by the pool feels like I am on vacation.

On Sunday Unicorns and Rainbows and I went to the Francis Coppola Pool.  A few key points of our experience:

  1. Glorious.  It was absolutely glorious to be there, in the heat, the sun, the pool….
  2. Service.  Awesome once Lindsay got involved.
  3. Price.  Rediculai.  $35 for a lawn seat, which is a seat on the lawn.  The area is SO SMALL and it does not include a lounge chair.  Another price for the Cabina’s, which is worth it with the wine club discount – $150 for 4 lounge chairs.

Honestly, Linsday saved the day.  We were new to the resort, were not given any guidance. We showed up at 11am to get the best seat in the house.  We found the perfect lounge chairs for us.  A few hours later I asked about the different color bands, the waitress went back and complained, and the whole process to move us to the lawn ensued.  Unicorns did better than I did – I was harsh – “find us a non-reserved lounge chair or give us a refund”. I was NOT going to the lawn area after experiencing the lounge chair.

Anyway, my point is, that just being by a pool, laying in the sun, makes me relax and that feels so good – like I’m on vacation.   And I like to be on vacation.  The picture is of me and my toes, soon after we arrived at the fancy winery pool. The cabinas are in the background.

New Year is Here. I’m Ready.

perfect sunrise-j3imageryI’m super excited about the New Year. The last few years have not been good for me.  That’s why I’ve not written – no one needs another sad sob story to read or relate to.  BUT, changes have been underway, and 2015 is going to be a great year.  Which I’m happy to share.  Not the Facebook “I’m great and my family is perfect” kind of post/dialog, but a real-life, grateful that I’m here without all the “god bless” and “thank you god” shit.  God didn’t help me down or up, it was all me.  And I’m taking all the credit for it.  I waited patiently for something to happen and nothing did. When I got sick of waiting, shit happened. I MADE IT HAPPEN.  I did it.  I realized the problem, I fixed it, or at the very least have started pushing the ball in a forward motion.

Anyway, the last couple of years have been horrible.  Every time I felt like the tide was turning in my favor, I was wrong.  Life socked it to me, year over year.  and it didn’t get better for a very long time.  Until 5 months ago.  When I decided to stop waiting, things started changing.  What did I do? I stopped being so passive.  I stopped waiting for:

  • Work to recognize me and I recognized me. I recognized the amount of time I put into a job that I loved but wasn’t paying me back – financially or professionally.
  • My boyfriend to save me.  He has means and he likes to share.  Just so happens that it’s not with me. And that is o.k.  I can fix what I created….  and I’ve started down that path. When I succeed, I’ll know I did it, that it was all me.. (there will be a lot of discussion on what a Parter is in 2015)

And now I’m going to get out of my own way and I’m going to make shit happen.  I felt old, tired, and irrelevant a few months ago.  I’m moving towards feeling younger, revitalized, and more creative…..  I’ll outline my plan in my New Years Resolution post..

Exciting things to come this year.. yeah for me, yeah for 2015!  I hope you all have or feel the same level of excitement and energy.  If not, I get it, believe me I do..