Who Am I?

who-am-i-head-in-handsGod I know, it has been forever.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about posting something – god knows I have a million thoughts running through my head every second of every day.  But I’ve not had a single second to myself in almost 3 months.  I am definitely working at a start-up company… so much to do and not enough time in the day, week, month to complete it.

I feel that I’ve lost myself, that I don’t know who I am anymore.  All I’ve done for the last 2+ years is work WAY TO MUCH.  I’ve not had any time to focus on the things that are really important – family, friends, experiences.  I feel as though I’ve lost my way – I’ve lost myself.  I feel as if I’m going thru the motions of life but not truly living it…. Everyday that passes me by is a day I’ve lost. I’m not quite sure how to get on the right track… I feel fuzzy and unsure of my next steps.  I know where I would like to be, what I want in my life, I just don’t have any idea on how to get there.

I’m short on patience right now, and I’m envious of those who appear to have “more”… people like this chick, who hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a mess, and just inherited a fortune.  The friends of A-Train who just purchased a Tesla, all beautiful skinny people…   anybody that appears to have an easier time enjoying life because of money, good looks, or good fortune.  I know that I’m feeling this way but right now I can’t help myself.  I force these negative thoughts out of my head, but they keep coming back, over and over again.  I’ve never thought or felt like this before, I’m just not myself.  I don’t know who I am anymore…

I remember the three times in my life where I have felt so at peace, so confident, so in-tune with myself.  I was on my own (not necessarily alone), completely in sync with myself, and at peace with my career, my body, my looks, my life.  I have so far to go to get back to this place, I don’t know where to start…

I’m not sure how I’m going to “fix” myself.  I’m would love suggestions, so if you’ve got advice, I’ll take it.

Sorry that my first post back is such a Debbie Downer…   😦

3 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. MikeK February 15, 2013 / 8:40 pm

    Hi Paula – I Just came across your blog and your latest post reminded me of this quote by Dale Carnegie:

    “Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.”

    It’s difficult to pull yourself out of a tailspin when you’re in the middle of one but once you step back and gain perspective, your “authentic self” should resurface. It takes grit and determination and constant reminders not to succumb to doubt which eats away at your self esteem. Most of all it takes time.

    I suggest taking an inventory of your accomplishments and goals and slowly start to eliminate those activities that don’t support them. Work is important but it should not be the sole reason for existence. I know of no person who ever said on their deathbed: “I wish I had spent more time working and less with my friends and family.”

    As to your current envy of others – I suggest you watch “The Queen of Versailles” on Netflix for a stark reminder that money does not bring happiness. People with superfluous wealth tend to be shallow and narcissistic – and unless that’s also how you strive to be, they are not to be envied but pitied.

    It has been my experience that having lots of money simply exaggerates your personality – a jerk tends to be just a bigger jerk with money. Again, this is nothing to be envied.

    Writing can be therapeutic and I look forward to hearing about your progress in the near future.

    Good Luck,


  2. Grey Goose, Dirty February 11, 2013 / 8:35 pm

    I’ve missed you Paula! I’m sorry you’ve been so very busy. It’s kinda scary to count back 2 years and not be able to recall much other than work and not be able to find many smiles. It’s all about baby steps. Even if it’s just 5 minutes a day, do something just for yourself. Something that makes you happy. I’ve had issues with ‘losing myself’ in the past few years as well and although it’s a daily struggle to try and figure it out and not be envious of those that seem to have ‘more’, you have to know what a great person you are and all that you have and have to offer.

    I watched an excellent movie last night called ‘The Family That Preys’ (it’s an old Tyler Perry flick, and although I am NOT a fan of his goofy stuff, this one is really good) and is all about being the best person that you can be and to stop putting off living for yourself and doing things that make you happy.

    Damn this rambled and I doubt helped at all, but just know that you’re not alone. I have every confidence that you will find your happy again soon.



  3. Hereld Spain February 7, 2013 / 12:40 am

    Your picture and words say it all. When first glancing at the image you chose I thought it looked like Abraham Lincoln hunched over his work. Often imagined how exhausted he must have been during his term in the big chair.

    I know the comparison is a bit of streach, still you must not become so spread thin as to dissapear. There is only so much of any of us and work will take as much as it can or is allowed.

    Have dinner with friends soon, you may remember the old more balanced you. Take a rain check on the threater.😉

    Be well. H.S.


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