Work Related – Page 2 – Paula's Ponderings

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig.

June 26, 2015June 26, 2015PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

2015_06_OnVacation A-Train and I have returned from vacation. It was a fabulous trip, one of the best I’ve ever had in this country. We went to Terranea Resort and Spa in Rancho Palos Verdes, just a short 45 minutes from LAX. I would highly recommend it. It was a fabulous resort – the room was fantastic, it had a great variety of restaurants on-site, and the service was fantastic. It was sooo relaxing. It was exactly what I needed. I was surprised that A-Train treated and was into this vacation because it isn’t his style. But he was actually fun to hang out with – he reminded me of the A-Train that I met a long time ago.

I took much needed time away from work and computers. I checked my email only once and that was it. I happened to get a new phone last week and I was not able to connect it to work email before I left. It was a blessing. It was so nice to disconnect for such a long period of time. First time in quite a few years that I stepped away from work.

I’m slowly transitioning back to the work world this week. I’m not doing an exceptional job at it. Good thing that tomorrow is Friday!

I have some great plans this weekend, one of which is to sit by a pool, sipping wine and catching up with my girlfriends. Sort of like an extension of my fabulous vacation. Living the dream. 🙂

Home For Memorial Day Weekend.

May 20, 2015PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I’m home from Nashville. I arrived home in CA last Friday with some sort of ailment from being in the “dome” (aka Nashville Gaylord hotel) for so long. Funny thing – I just did a search for Nashville Gaylord so I could provide a link and what is auto-populated in my Google search? Nashville Gaylord Hotel Virus. I kid you not – take a look for yourself. Anyway, I didn’t get fresh air for days – 4 days to be exact. It was like being in Vegas or Orlando… maybe that is what caused my dementia. I’m feeling a bit better now, even though I did catch something while away and am recovering from some sort of head cold.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was on a business trip, and even with all my thoughts, I did manage to get out and connect with my customers, who have now become friends. I’m lucky that I can talk to anyone about anything, my life experience has given me that. For that I should be grateful. It is a gift – and works out perfectly for the role I play in my work life.

On a personal front I can be a bit of a recluse. I love my alone time. I spend all my days talking to people, negotiating priorities, and solving problems. I get tired of talking on the phone and dealing with other people’s wants, needs, desires. Having a bit of quiet time in the evenings work for me – quiet time to decompress. I realize that I soon will need to get out and meet other people. People outside of work and my safe, familiar friend network. Someday that will happen, I’m just not ready yet. And that is o.k.. I’m o.k. with it…

So I have no plans for this long weekend. Do you? Are you doing anything fun by yourself? with others? The picture above is the good company I keep during my quiet periods..Sophie is never more than 2 feet from me at all times. Aren’t I lucky?

New Year is Here. I’m Ready.

December 31, 2014PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I’m super excited about the New Year. The last few years have not been good for me. That’s why I’ve not written – no one needs another sad sob story to read or relate to. BUT, changes have been underway, and 2015 is going to be a great year. Which I’m happy to share. Not the Facebook “I’m great and my family is perfect” kind of post/dialog, but a real-life, grateful that I’m here without all the “god bless” and “thank you god” shit. God didn’t help me down or up, it was all me. And I’m taking all the credit for it. I waited patiently for something to happen and nothing did. When I got sick of waiting, shit happened. I MADE IT HAPPEN. I did it. I realized the problem, I fixed it, or at the very least have started pushing the ball in a forward motion.

Anyway, the last couple of years have been horrible. Every time I felt like the tide was turning in my favor, I was wrong. Life socked it to me, year over year. and it didn’t get better for a very long time. Until 5 months ago. When I decided to stop waiting, things started changing. What did I do? I stopped being so passive. I stopped waiting for:

Work to recognize me and I recognized me. I recognized the amount of time I put into a job that I loved but wasn’t paying me back – financially or professionally.
My boyfriend to save me. He has means and he likes to share. Just so happens that it’s not with me. And that is o.k. I can fix what I created…. and I’ve started down that path. When I succeed, I’ll know I did it, that it was all me.. (there will be a lot of discussion on what a Parter is in 2015)

And now I’m going to get out of my own way and I’m going to make shit happen. I felt old, tired, and irrelevant a few months ago. I’m moving towards feeling younger, revitalized, and more creative….. I’ll outline my plan in my New Years Resolution post..

Exciting things to come this year.. yeah for me, yeah for 2015! I hope you all have or feel the same level of excitement and energy. If not, I get it, believe me I do..

New Year is A’Coming.

November 14, 2014PaulasPonderings4 Comments

I get SUPER EXCITED about the New Year – I see it as an opportunity for reflection and change. I love to look back on the year, see where I am, where I am not, as compared to my goals and aspirations.

This year was the first year I did not write down my resolutions – and I’m paying for it. I have no way to measure myself, and I feel like I wasted most of the year. I gave up on 2014 about 4-5 months ago. A lost year for me. I wanted to do so much, but did almost none of what I wanted. This year, I’m starting early.

I feel like I’ve already started on my 2015 resolutions. I do not want another year to go by and be in the same place. I’m serious about making a plan and working that plan….

One of the biggest changes that happened already is a job change. I really wanted to call Zuora home, but they were like family that only wants you to stay a few days, not for a while. I tried my best to stay, worked really hard to do something amazing. . Alas, I clued in that we weren’t on the same page so I moved on. Bums me out as I loved the technology and all my customers… but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve been at the new company for a month now, so far so good. I’m taking a lead, doing what I love (to organize things, make a difference), and learning new things. I am looking forward to finding my professional home – the place that feels like home when I’m not home. So far so good. So far there aren’t any real politics that I can see, just a great bunch of good, solid, really smart people all working towards the same objective/goal/outcome. Great technology and culture. I feel like I fit in. It will be a matter of time before I figure out if I do or not.

I’ve spent the last 10 months trying to break up with A-Train. I love him, but I’m convinced we are not meant to be a couple. For a variety of ~~excuses~~ reasons, It hasn’t happened yet. He is a super nice guy, I love being around him, we just aren’t a good team. My fear of losing him as a friend stops me from doing what is best for the both of us. Although I still do not know why in the world he wants to be with me – I’m a horrible girlfriend. I will someday provide a list of all the ways I’m a horrible girlfriend….

Anyway, one resolution is to write more. I like to write, its therapeutic for me, and I love the advice/wisdom I get from my readers. So expect more this year from me. I’m ready to deliver.

Keep me honest folks – hold me to my goals and commitments!

Indian in Chinatown.

February 23, 2014PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Yep. I have found and am eating at the only Non-Chinese restaurant in Melbourne’s Chinatown district. Well, to be fair, it is the only Non-Chinese, Non-American establishment within 2 blocks of my hotel in the Melbourne Chinatown district. And its a Sunday night, and there isn’t much open on a Sunday night.

I find this choice much like the choices I’ve made while on my life’s journey – against the grain. I have opted to NOT eat at the 1000 Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, noodle houses, etc. near me. I’ve picked the one Indian restaurant around – Jaisalmer Palace. The food – delicious. I would definitely come here again, what a find! But the bigger question – Why do I pick the one place that isn’t “normal”? Whatever causes this type of thinking, I was born with it. But enough about me, let’s talk about me! Just kidding (sort of). Let’s talk about my day/weekend.

First, I am in fucking Melbourne Australia! Yes, that’s right, Melbourne. Only one of the best cities on this planet. It’s San Francisco, but better (nicer people, generally happier people, less ego driven, more relaxed, etc..). It’s like Italy, but better (it actually has a sustainable and growing economy).. would I move here? In a heart beat!
And one of my very dearest, best friends lives here. Lets call her Smiles from now on, because she has one of the best smiles ever. Its taken me 10+ years to get back to Melbourne and be in her presence. Seeing her for the first time, again, it was like no time had passed, It’s like we haven’t skipped a beat. Catching up with her, our lives, and visiting with her family makes me feel truly alive and lucky. Last time I was in Australia, I visited with Smiles and her immediate family (mum, dad, sisters, etc) and had more fun than any one person should have in a lifetime, let alone 2+ weeks. 10 years later, we are both in very different places, and we are still as connected. She shared her life openly. We were swinging singles back then (not really, single yes, swinging, no). She now shares her life with a handsome Aussie and 2 kids.. Spending the day with her and her family made me feel so lucky – I’ve done something right because someone I love to the end of this earth just shared a day in her life with me without reservation. How lucky am I??
AND (I know, it gets even better!!) one of my newest besties is ALSO living in Melbourne. I got to catch up with her, introduce her and her hubby to Smiles, and who knows… maybe another connection made.

This weekend, for me, is what life is what MY life is all about. Connecting with people who I love dearly. I know I don’t have kids, and I will not carry on the typical “legacy”, but that is o.k.. I live, I love, and I feel loved. And being in this space, where I love openly, where I feel loved, isn’t that what life is about? Taking care of those we cherish? Knowing who to cherish and why? I spent what felt like a lifetime in a marriage with someone who didn’t love me – didn’t truly love my quirkiness… and it took its toll on me. I bring it up now only because it’s taken me 5+ years to close this insecurity. I have fewer and fewer why didn’t it work” moments (not just with the Ex but with My Mr. Big, Mr. Showtime, and the like, which you can catch up on by reading The Roster (which I will update soon enough)) and more and more “here we go” hands-up-in-the-air roller coaster moments.

So, while trying not to be philosophical, life has been a roller coaster and I’ve often felt out-of-place. But today, this weekend, while sitting in this Indian restaurant 15000 mile away in a city I love because its near a bestie, I realize, I’m in exactly the right place for me. Which is the path that 99% of the people would NOT take. I get that, and I’m learning to be o.k. with it. And more and more I’m better than o.k. with it, I’m LUCKY to have had this path. Definitely not what I pictured for myself, but truly lucky to have experienced it thus far.

O.k. now I need to leave this restaurant, go back to the hotel, and get ready for work tomorrow. There are a few other things I want to write about – such as saving a super drunk girl from herself last night (my first night with an Aussie wink wink was not what you would ever guess/think), the Melbourne lights night that was super crowded, to meeting strangers at the Exec Lounges (and I love it!!). So many stories, so little time!

10 Days in Australia.

February 16, 2014PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Hello from down under! I just arrived in Sydney Australia. The trip was FANTASTIC- thank you Virgin Australia, Xanax and Ambien. I woke up, had breakfast on the plane, watched Shawshank Redemption, deplaned, went through security, picked up my luggage, and took the train to my hotel. I’m all checked in (the room doesn’t have a bathtub??!? What is going on with hotel rooms without bathtubs??).

I’m out of the country for 10 days. I’m in Sydney for 5 days visiting with Customers. Then off to Melbourne to visit with more Customers. In between these weeks, I will be spending the weekend in Melbourne, catching up with two close friends. I’m soooo looking forward to it.

I packed one carry on bag for the 10 days. I’ve attached a picture of all the clothing I brought with me for this 10 day trip. I’m super proud of myself for picking comfortable easy pieces that I can mix and match. I’ve been meaning to reduce my wardrobe, I can’t wait until I lose weight and I can get rid of it all EXCEPT for the cashmere. 🙂

I also sat next to this very cool girl on my way here. We are going to connect via email and the next time I’m in Sydney we are going to get together. She is 10 years my junior but very wise. She has lived a great life thus far… I will share her blog with you once I get the info. I don’t want to give away her name just in case she too writes under an assumed name.

It’s raining here. The locals tell me it’s about time – they haven’t had rain for a long time. I wanted to go to the beach, I’ve never been to a Sydney beach, but alas, it is a to-do for another day. So instead I went shopping. Really just browsing and people watching. I wanted to see what everyone is wearing, interact with the locals, etc.. I did purchase a coat, which I need for the week. It’s a casual business jacket.. I’ll wear it every day and beyond. Not cheap, but a good piece.

Now I’m in the Executive lounge having a glass of wine and posting this message. I’m super excited about being here, being on this adventure, this journey. I need this time away from my regular life to figure things out. I cannot believe that I’m 42, cash poor, living in a persons garage apartment… at 42 I’m starting over. Why do I do this to myself? And what do I need to do to define a right path and stay on it. I saw this book at the airport and I didn’t buy it – http://www.amazon.com/dp/1583335080 – I didn’t want to carry it and thought it would be available at the next airport.. it wasn’t. Now I must have it. Do I order it on Amazon and wait until I get home to read it? I feel like it would be such a great book for me to be reading NOW.

I’ll try to post every day – I know that I have a lot on my mind, it would be super helpful to have your support and guidance while on this journey!

Making Changes.

September 21, 2013PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I’m back. In the midst of changing my life for the better and making time to write. I will make it a regular occurrence to post from now on – it’s an outlet that I’ve missed these last few months.

I’m in New York right now. One of my best friends is getting married today. I saw her for the first time in a long time last night and she looked so happy, excited, content. She just glowed and so did her fiance. Their energy permeated the room – it was such a special time and I was so honored to be there, sharing such a special moment with them. Made me tear up. My friend deserves all the happiness in the world – she is one of the most kind, generous, and honest people I know. I am grateful for our friendship.

Anyway, I have made some significant changes in my life, and I am working towards a more peaceful, happy existence.

The first big change is at work. I have changed roles at my current company, and am now doing a job that comes natural to me. I love what I do, I love my new manager. A good manager makes all the difference in the world. She is amazing, and I’m so happy to be under her wing. I now have a balance of life, I’m engaged with my girlfriends again, and also have time for myself.

The second big change is where I’m spending my time. I’m doing what I love again- connecting with my girlfriends. I’m making the time for the ladies I love, the ones that have held my hand through the happiest, toughest, roughest, and darkest parts of my life – the years with AbFab, my divorce and the following reclusive years, the year of dating, my job challenges (Man Hands). I don’t know what I would do without their help and support, it feels so good to be back in their company.

I’ve got a few more things to work on…

I’ve got some weight to lose… which isn’t new. I complain about it, it greatly effects my confidence and self-esteem, but I’m not doing anything about it. It’s a simple fix – stop eating and drinking so much and work out more. I don’t know why this is, why I sabotage myself; keep myself down. I just bug myself sometimes.
My relationship. I love my boyfriend but it’s just feels really hard to keep our relationship in good standing. Relationships require a lot of work, and I’m tired – I’m certainly not being a good girlfriend, I don’t think I know how to do it. I think that love doesn’t conquer everything – I feel like we are trying to shove a square peg in a round hole… we are two different people who have different definitions for relationship. Neither one of us is bad – we are just different, and that is o.k. I still want him in my life, I love him, I care for him. But I don’t think we were meant to be together in a traditional relationship. And that is o.k.. But I do waffle about this – this is how I feel today.. tomorrow it could be completely different. I need to figure out what I want/need and make it happen.
Finances. I’ve really got to figure this out… with the new role came a lot less $$. I need to really cut back on expenses, which means I need to get real honest with myself and what I need. I have real estate I need to just let go of. I’ve always wanted to own a place in Utah and stay there when I visit my family… but I can’t afford it. I have a condo that I love – but instead of enjoying it, I subsidize my tenants lifestyle. That is reality.

So I commit to sharing my journey of change with you again…

Reset.

March 1, 2013PaulasPonderings2 Comments

As I’ve written in my last post, I feel lost, like I’ve spiraled downwards. I get up every morning and wish I could go back to bed, sleep it off. “It” being my life. I just want it to stop being so hard…. What’s so hard? Realizing that the divide between where I want to be/where I thought I would be and where I am is so vast…

I’ve been wanting to write about my New Years Resolutions for some time now, I’ve just not had any time. And thats the problem – I have not committed to living my life. I keep thinking I will do it tomorrow, and now its March. March! Two months of thinking about it, doing nothing about it. So March 1st is the day.

First, the catalyst is my weight. I’ve gained too much weight… I’m 5’2″ and I now weigh 133 lbs. That is obese. I’m OBESE. That is crazy to me. I have let myself go over the last 2 years…. well, 4 years really… I can no longer do nothing.
Second, I have zero energy. I actually had to come home from work during lunch a few weeks ago to take a nap. I could not focus, could not stay aware/awake, was in a complete fog. Without a nap, I would not have gotten through the day.
Third, I have lost the ability to remember. I cannot remember anything, even the simplest of things. A date? Google calendar. A name. Not going to happen. Whatever brain space is reserved for memory, mine is gone. If only I could get some cloud backup for shit that doesn’t matter so I can make for new, more important things like work.

All of these reasons made me focus on my health in 2013. I am in another Not Buying It Year.. instead of buying things, I’m buying my health back. I’ve been to the doctor a few times now, and we are working on addressing all the above, along with a few other things like constipation and hemorrhoids.

The reason I’m writing? Because I’ve been diagnosed as “normal”… believe it or not, according to healthcare standards, nothing is physically wrong with me. Blood tests show that I don’t have high blood pressure, my thyroid is in normal range.. cholesterol is fine. But I am overweight for my size…and it has totally effected my confidence. Along with my horrible work experience with Man Hands, my weight has pushed me into a slight depression… so to address issue # 1 above, I asked for and received a prescription to help reduce my weight WHICH my insurance DID NOT cover. The prescription – Qsymia.

In addition to taking the drug, I’ve also added in 2 more workouts a week – a Boxing class with a new work friend and a Zumba dance class on Sunday… But Qsymia has a few side effects that may have a negative impact on me – Side effects include concentration/memory difficulties along with mood problems.

I will start taking the prescription tomorrow, March 1st. I will track my progress over the next 6 weeks. I will document how I feel, my weight, and anything else that I feel… I’m looking forward to this journey… I need something to focus on other than work!

Who Am I?

February 5, 2013PaulasPonderings3 Comments

God I know, it has been forever. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about posting something – god knows I have a million thoughts running through my head every second of every day. But I’ve not had a single second to myself in almost 3 months. I am definitely working at a start-up company… so much to do and not enough time in the day, week, month to complete it.

I feel that I’ve lost myself, that I don’t know who I am anymore. All I’ve done for the last 2+ years is work WAY TO MUCH. I’ve not had any time to focus on the things that are really important – family, friends, experiences. I feel as though I’ve lost my way – I’ve lost myself. I feel as if I’m going thru the motions of life but not truly living it…. Everyday that passes me by is a day I’ve lost. I’m not quite sure how to get on the right track… I feel fuzzy and unsure of my next steps. I know where I would like to be, what I want in my life, I just don’t have any idea on how to get there.

I’m short on patience right now, and I’m envious of those who appear to have “more”… people like this chick, who hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a mess, and just inherited a fortune. The friends of A-Train who just purchased a Tesla, all beautiful skinny people… anybody that appears to have an easier time enjoying life because of money, good looks, or good fortune. I know that I’m feeling this way but right now I can’t help myself. I force these negative thoughts out of my head, but they keep coming back, over and over again. I’ve never thought or felt like this before, I’m just not myself. I don’t know who I am anymore…

I remember the three times in my life where I have felt so at peace, so confident, so in-tune with myself. I was on my own (not necessarily alone), completely in sync with myself, and at peace with my career, my body, my looks, my life. I have so far to go to get back to this place, I don’t know where to start…

I’m not sure how I’m going to “fix” myself. I’m would love suggestions, so if you’ve got advice, I’ll take it.

Sorry that my first post back is such a Debbie Downer… 😦

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