PaulasWorld

A Lot In Common.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Hi guys.  Short post today.  This morning I received an email from the following individual

that said we are a perfect match.  I cannot understand  how this is so ….  just by looks alone we are so not a match.  What gives? Why would a guy like this ever reach out to me and think there would be any interest? 

I realize that I’m not a hottie (certainly not a model type given my round barrel like figure), but seriously??

Missing What I Can’t Have.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Tonight was a great night. I spent the evening with a few girlfriends that I’ve not seen forever, but that are forever with me. We met 16 years ago – and caught up this evening. Honestly, we haven’t skipped a beat.  And we all look exactly the same (yes, young and gorgeous!!!).

I’m home now, reminiscing, and as good as the evening went/felt,  I feel somewhat like a loser.  I thoroughly enjoyed this evening, but I cam home with a sense of loss.  I am missing My Mr. Big tonight.  It’s just a feeling I can’t push out of my head, my heart.  I can’t help but feel how nice it would have been to see him, be with him.  He hasn’t been a part of my life in a  consistent, supportive way for 8-9 months or so now. Its a silly, stupid feeling.  I know, super silly…  but I do miss him.  Why are some people harder to forget than others? Why do certain people have an impact and others are as forgettable as the last rain?  Tonight, I miss My Mr. Big more than I should.  More than I certainly want to, more than I should be given what we “officially” shared. 

So, I’ve taken a sleeping pill…  I’m crossing my fingers that it will help me fall asleep, forget my losses…  and gets me through the night so I can move on tomorrow and act as if nothing is wrong, nothing is missing….

Done with Online Dating.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

So, its official, my first roster of men is now officially done, over.  They have all turn out to be interesting people, and my relationship with each of the men turn out just as they should have. 

Yes, the roster is done, but I have zero interest in getting involved/creating another roster.  I feel so busy, and creating and working a roster is just too much for me.  What pushed me over the edge?  Plenty of Losers sent me some recommendations that included Mr. Texas.  So, they are cycling back thru their crap and offering up bottom feeders as if I wouldn’t know.  Yeahhhh… no thanks.

So, here is the rundown. 

  • Mr. Tx has put up new photos of himself. Same profile – looking for the one special woman.. yada yada yada. Whatever. All bullshit…  now I know. Now we all know.
  • Chicken Legs is a great guy, and he would make anyone a great partner.  BUT I”m the one with the problem – I’m just not sexually attracted to him. So now I have the responsibility to have the “just friends” chat with him.  I’ve not done it yet because with all my birthday celebrations and his commitment to his kids, we’ve not seen each other.  Friends say I should do it over the phone, but I personally would want someone to tell me this kind of stuff in person.  so, thus, I wait until our schedules align and I can see him again.
  • My new Man Friend, my GirlFriend Peter. Forever known here on out as GFP.  This is the last man to fall off the roster. He is a fabulous person.  We met at a bar (not online), and have been dating (no sex, no nothing, just honest, old fashioned dating) since January.  I invited him to my friends party this Friday (I thought we would have fun AND he likes all the same things my friends and I like), and he invited me to his family party on Sunday. I loved both events – he loved my friends, my friends loved him.  I loved his family, they loved me.  You would think this was a date…   but went as friends.  And we had a blast.  And I’m ok with this .  I brought it up because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page….  and you know what he said to me?  he said, he has had a lot of loss in his life this past year (he lost both his mother to cancer (he was her primary caregiver) AND he broke up with his girlfriend of 6.5 years).  He feels that we really connect (we do), and he doesn’t want to lose me because something goes wrong in the lovers arenda.   I told him I am just fine with friends.  And honestly, I think this man is going to be in my life forever.  He is kind, generious, sweet, loving, intellegent, and so interesting. We always have a great time….   I don’t see this changing.  So, no love connection, but a new friendship…  There is just nothing wrong with this.

O.k. .so tonight, right now, I am disabling, deleting, or whatever I need to do to get rid of/hide  my Plenty of Losers account. 

So this is it, I’m done with online dating for a while now.  I don’t have the time or energy for it. Iv’e got at least one lifetime friend, and if Chicken Legs and I can get to the friends stage, well then I’ve made two great friends.  How lucky am I, to have new people, spectactular people, enter my circle of friends?

I’m going to start doing a few more things, go out with friends, and just be myself and enjoy the time that I have.  I would like to meet someone that I want to spend time with… but right now, I’ve got so many great things going on, only someone really special is going to do it for me.  And I have to say, I’ve not met that many great guys online or thru friends..   So, now I’m going it alone…..   I dont know what this means or how this is going to work,   maybe it won’t. But I’m not in a hurry to find someone…  so we shall see.

Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday to Me!

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Yes, that’s right, I was born 40 years ago, on Mothers Day.  I know, what a tragedy blessing for my parents.  Oh, and I think I’ve forgotten to mention that I’m a twin – so my mom and dad had TWO of me at the same time. 

I have been celebrating my birthday for the last two weeks.. out almost every single night with a friend or two.  I am SO LUCKY to have such love and friendship in my life.  I know, I don’t have the “trappings” of a successful 40-year-old – I don’t have a man, I don’t have kids.  But I’m so happy!  I don’t think I’ve ever been so consciously happy.  So I’m 40 .. look at me – happy, healthy, and with a tremendous amount of love in my life.

Here’s a quick list (umm hmm, surprise, a list!) of my celebratory activities:

  • I went dancing last weekend in SF with a few of my best girlfriends – Love In The City Weekend
  •  spent the week catching up with really good friends, even had  a ‘pool party’ with one of ’em!
  • this Friday night I went out with my local crew and had another impromptu dance party.   Trapeze is my all time favorite restaurant and they treated us like royalty.  Then a few of us headed over to the Vinyl Room, a local bar/dance place, and danced the night away until others started arriving…  We are always up for starting a dance party (we love an open dance floor)..
  • Last night I had dinner with my fist best girlfriend – Bitter Betty (my name is/was Pissy Patty)… more about our friendship below…

Bitter and I were inseparable…  we did everything together.  Our friendship waned when I lost all confidence in myself and became a recluse (yes, much like what happened a few years ago)…  We talked about this last night.  What I love about Bitter is that we haven’t skipped a beat – its like we’ve never been apart.  I love this woman – she is amazing, smart, absolutely stunning, and the nicest person I’ve ever met.  When I was feeling ugly towards other people, I used to think to myself, “what would Bitter do?” … Bitter would always smile and just move away from the bad energy.  O.k.. so yes,  I love this woman!  So glad we have reconnected after all these years, and that she is still her same, sweet fabulous self!  Go Bitter!

O.k.. as you can see I’m living life to the fullest … I am finally 40 (been waiting years for this moment)…   as a friend said to me this morning, “Glad you finally grew up and have joined us at the adult table”…    That’s right, today, I’m officially a grown up!!

Mom Is Down.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Wow, Mom is in the hospital.  She is down.  This woman is the strongest woman I know.  I’m numb.  She may have had a heart attack… may have had a bad reaction to something.   Either way, she ended up in the emergency room.  When I spoke to her, she was “drunk”…   I made light of her condition, largely because I have no idea of how to deal with this situation.  Mom, the rock of the family, needs help, whether she admits it or not.

God, my heart is heavy tonight.  What do I do.. go home to her home….   stay home and deal….  I love this woman. She is the most significant woman in my life  – so much of her experience is who I am, what I am today…. What do I do???  Definitely makes me think of what is important in life…

Thought Of the Day

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Hello all.  Funny thought of the day for you — sent to me by my dear friend C-Licious:

 

A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband and she says, “I love you.”
 
He asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me………….talking to the wine.”

Happy Monday everyone!

Love In the City Weekend.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

So, I had a fabulous weekend.  I spent the night in the great city of San Francisco with my best girlfriends.  It was a Sex In the City weekend, but we were keeping it PG-13 …   the Queen tells her kids that she is watching Love in The City (she has two boys…  ).. so thus, a Love In The City Weekend for all of us fabulous gals!

We went in on Saturday, shopped, cocktailed, dined, and danced the night away…  so many great things happened, the highlights are below:

  • Our Accommodations were lovely.  The Prescott Hotel.  Love this hotel – the rooms are small, but have a lot of character AND the staff are just so damn nice and the location is perfect for our outing.   We stayed on the club level floor… and had all the perks that movie stars receive.  My only recommendation to you as a guest is to bring your own toilet paper. The toilet paper is awful. My advice to Prescott, UPGRADE YOUR TP!!!!   It shouldn’t be so bad given that you are a more upscale boutique hotel. 
  • My friends are awesome.  Lordy, these ladies are a good time.  We shared stories, laughed a ton, and just reconnected.  We do these get-togethers once or twice a year, and they are absolutely the most fulfilling and fun trips.
  • Adventures were to be had.  Boy o’ boy we ladies know how to have a good time!!  If you ever run into me, ask me about the following:
    • “I want VIP, I’ve got $50”.  This is the exact statement said by one of the ladies as we regrouped to figure out what we were doing next.  She said it the hotel concierge – at midnight…    he actually volunteered to walk us to a club a few blocks away to make sure we got VIP treatment.   🙂  We did NOT go to this club… 
    • Pizza, Pizza, Pizza.  One of the ladies was starving and demanded pizza.  Which is great – she needs to eat (if she wasn’t so damn nice, you would hate her because she is so damn beautiful and has a very slender, lanky, perfect body).  Anyway, we went to eat pizza…  at midnight.   The funniest thing about this is that the next morning, she joined us for breakfast, she said, “whose bright idea was it to go eat another meal at midnight”?  Ummm… yeah… we had to let her know, after we all snorted coffee out of noses when we burst out laughing, that it was indeed her bright idea. 
    • Dancing Queens.  I love my dear friend Jewels.  She and I are always up for a good dance.  Doesn’t matter where we are or what the style of dance is… I can count on her to get out on the dance floor and cut a rug with me.  I’ve always thought that the floor isn’t just for couples or people who have dates.. it’s for everyone. Even the single girl who loves to dance!  Jewels feels the same – no need to wait for someone to ask – move it, shake it, white-board it!!  🙂

I will write when I feel like it.  I’m tired… it was a long day today.  Good news is that I found a pair of fabulous sexy shoes (on sale at a discount designer clothing store… o.k. peeps, its Loehmanns!  I love this store)  and my front lawn sprinklers are working again.  Saved the grass in the nick of time! 

Hawaii Trip Clarification.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

O.k. so most of you have reached out with the same reaction and question to my recent Hawaii experience:

  1. “the trip sounded horrible”!
  2. “where did you leave it” with Chicken Legs? 

First and foremost, I should have given a bit more background of the trip BEFORE going off on the things that didn’t work.  Chicken Legs is a very interesting and smart person. I do enjoy spending time with him. WE enjoyed each others company, had great conversations, had fun at all of our outdoor activities – snorkeling, hiking, just walking the Waikiki beach, eating out.  We are in-synch when it comes to all the other “stuff”.  I am a slow mover when it comes to “riding bikes” (TradeMarked by GGD) together…  so it’s not odd for me to NOT have slept with this guy… and given everything else that we enjoy together, it’s not a stretch to think we would have a good time “riding bikes”..    So, please do not feel bad for me,  my trip to Hawaii was a good one. 

So, now, where did I leave it with Chicken Legs.  We are fine – friends in my head.  I think know, he thinks we are a couple now.  I know this because he has called me every night since we’ve gotten home, he tries to call me his girlfriend and I’ve corrected him.   During all of our time together, I’ve been very clear with him about the following:

  • I am not interested in being in an exclusive relationship
  • Having sex does NOT mean we are exclusive
  • I am not interested in having love in my life
  • I am not interested in getting/being married again

All of these things are true when it comes to Chicken Legs.  I think if I met the right person, one I experienced the 3 H’s with,  none of these statements would be true.  MY POINT IS, I’m not leading Chicken Legs on, I’ve been very open and honest with how I feel about us.  I think he is hoping for more… behaving as if there already is more, just in case I change my mind.  So, I’ve been straight up with Chicken Legs, but I think given the way he is acting/behaving, we need to have a talk.  I don’t know when I will see him again (he’s been out-of-town for work, and now is home with his boys for the next week, then I leave for a work trip)..

So, I know what needs to happen, I need to have another conversation with Chicken Legs and let him know that we are just friends.  No benefits.  And if he doesn’t want to be just friends, well then…  I will miss his friendship.

One last clarification about my Hawaii experience rant.  The “I’m sorry” comment.  All three men I’ve been with since my divorce, all of them, in my opinion, have been verbally assaulted and emotionally abused by their Ex’s.   They have all gotten to the point where they have to apologize for everything… every little thing.  The reason I was so harsh on Chicken Legs is because I don’t want to be the person that causes him to say I’m sorry all the damn time.  I’m an easy-going, relaxed individual who doesn’t expect perfect.  I want better for Chicken Legs, and all of “my men”.  I want the men in my life to feel freedom of being themselves, of being confident in who they are and how they do it.  I want them to relax and have fun with me…. not spend all their time being concerned that they are going to do/done something wrong.

So that’s it…  that’s where I’m at.

What Is The Craziest Thing You Have Ever Done?

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

This is the question I got tonight from a friend…. thoughts swirled thru my head…  things that I’ve dont that I shouldn’t have done, things I’ve done that were “socially unacceptable”…..   So many things I can’t share..   The only reason for this blog is to ask you to think about the craziest thing you’ve done.  And if you are comfortable, please share!!  One of these days I may get the courage to broadcast my indiscretions.

My Weekend In Hawaii.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

First and foremost, Hawaii is such a beautiful place.  I spent the weekend on Waikiki Beach, in Honolulu, on the island of Oahu…  the town itself feels old and rundown, but the ocean and beaches were just gorgeous. 

So, the man I went with was a gent from the roster, who from now on will be called Chicken Legs.  Chicken Legs is cute, intelligent, kind..etc..  He is a good person and we do have fun together. But I’ve been ambivalent about him since I met him – when I see him we have fun together, when I don’t see him, I don’t think about him.  We’ve gone out over a dozen times… and still the same thing.  Because he is a great guy, I think I was hoping that I would feel something….

That is why I decided to go to Hawaii with him – I thought that it would be a good time for me to “figure it out”.  My girlfriend’s had their opinions:

  • C-Licious advised me not to go – that I was only doing it to see Hawaii.
  • Unicorns said if it was easy, why not? 
  • FreeBird said go..enjoy it.. live life sister!

I agreed with Unicorns and FreeBird – the trip fell together easily, so I thought to myself, “why not?”  So off I went, flew to Hawaii and spent three days experiencing warm weather, sun on my skin, viewing a spectacularly blue ocean and  the most amazing tropical landscape…   My thoughts on Chicken Legs and the other part of the experience below:

  • Test Drive before you Buy.  Never ever ever ever ever ever ever go on a vacation with someone that you have not test-driven (or taken for a “bike ride” as described by my favorite blogger Grey Goose) before hand.  Hard to share a hotel room with someone you don’t want to touch…   I want that feeling like I can’t get enough of someone…  that passion, that hunger, that desire…   I felt nothing for Chicken Legs. Needless to say, spending time in the hotel room was awkward.  Big mistake on my part…. I will never do that again.  
  •  Emotional Baggage is not attractive.  He has way to much (emotional) baggage. He spent way too much time talking about his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends….  All I can say is that I know far too much about his past.  So much for enjoying our time together. There were definitely 4 of us there – Me, Chicken Legs, and the two exes (Ex-wife and ex-girlfriend). 
  • Too Much chatter …  He loves to talk about all of his girlfriends and what a great lover he is… Girlfriend from college, girlfriend before wife, recent ex-girlfried… The question that swirls around in my head is “really? You should definitely go back to them”.  Honestly, if it was so great, why did it end and why are you interested in me?
  • Quit with the I’m sorry’s! Grow a sack … say I’m sorry when you accidentally hurt me by saying something mean (or doing something mean) … don’t say I’m sorry because you are so pussy whipped by your ex’s that everything you do is an apology.  I want to be with an adult.. a confident, mature man.  Not some insecure 14 year old.

I know, I know, I need to add this to my advice column for men.  But to be completely truthful, I think that a man in his 40+’s should have basic stuff like this figured out.  Chicken Legs just turned 48 …

O.k.. so if you don’t think I’m mean enough yet, here are a couple of funny stories:

  • Size DOES Matter. I love a man that has some girth (no, not that kind of girth… maybe… 🙂 )  5’10 to 6′ feels like the right height to me. I love wrapping my arms (and legs) around a big, broad-shouldered, strong man.  Ummmnhhh Hmmmmhh.  Yum.   I don’t want to feel like the “big” person in the relationship – you know, the extra large person hanging out with the skinny minnie.  Well I did, the entire time.  Chicken Legs is 5’8″.. the shortest guy I’ve ever dated.. ever.   When he wrapped his skinny arms around me, he said to me “whats it like for you to be with such a tall guy?”  I was confused for a moment (I wasn’t the one talking about my ex’s), then I realized that he was talking about himself – how did I feel to finally be with a tall guy…  Honestly, it took everything I had to not laugh out loud.  I didn’t say anything because I know what its like to be with a tall guy…and I like it. And he wasn’t it.  So when Chicken Legs asked me the question, I realized I couldn’t answer honestly…   but then I started thinking, what is going thru his head?!?!  Does he think I date short people, like myself (short and stout?) ??   Whatever was in his head he didn’t share, but he seemed to think that he was tall…  I let him keep his illusion.
  • What others think DOESN’T matter.   Chicken Legs cares what others think… much more than I do.  One of the things he said to me this weekend is that he loves to be with me because of the looks I/we get from others.  I asked him what he meant.. he said that guys stare at me all the time.  Ummn Hmmm, yeahh… they don’t.  Nobody cares about what I’m doing, where I’m at, what I look like.  But Chicken Legs thinks that they do, so this is one of the things that make me attractive to him..   Isn’t that great?  The basis for a solid relationship. 🙂
  • Just Be Yourself.. unless you want to be like me.  Yes, we all know I am a drinker, I make no bones about it. Not sloppy drunk, but I do love cocktail hour….   Knowing this about me, Chicken Legs actually said he loves to drink… He is so NOT a drinker. I know for sure that he isn’t a drinker because a) he said so, b) he was ready to pass up cocktail hour one night, and c) On our last evening in Hawaii, we ended up hanging out with the 3 coolest Australian ladies ever!  The ladies and I tied one on together, Chicken Legs, the drinker.. couldn’t keep up.    I only care about this because I think its important to know who you are – and be comfortable with what you and are not.   Don’t say “I’m a drinker, I love to drink” when its obvious you don’t.  Gees.  Be yourself, don’t conform. 
  • White boys really cannot dance, and sometimes, it’s just obscene.  OMG, we (me and the Australian ladies) danced the night away, Chicken Legs joined us for a song or two.  He is, without a doubt, the worst dancer I’ve ever seen. Think of Elaine’s Dance from Seinfeld, mixed with Seinfeld Straight Arm girl (Molly Shannon character from the Summer of George episode). I’m certainly not the greatest dancer, but I do love it…  and I’ve been with a few men that aren’t the greatest dancers, but they have some moves.  My favorite dancer was Fancy Dancer.. a guy I met at a club in a local bar. We were SO IN SYNC with bad dancing to 80’s songs. He took my number but never called me… I even went so far as to seek him out – yes, I found out who he was and reached out to him via email.  He never responded…  Oh well, I go to my grave knowing I tried (and Fancy Dancer is missing out on a real “bike ride” with Paula!)..

 O.k.. so that’s enough about the vacation.  I know, I am going to  have to let Chicken Legs down easy…. words of advise/wisdom would be greatly appreciated.