Remember Me?

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

glass-halffullvsemptyI wasn’t sure what to title this post as I have been gone forever.. only writing now because I have a few minutes AND I’m not completely bitchy grumpy (thank you G.G Dirty for teaching me the ways of subliminal aka strikeout).

I think this might be the first night I’ve had to myself in six months.  I should be working, unpacking, organizing.. you name it, it should be happening, I should be doing it.  Instead, I’m doing what I love to do .. write.  So many things are going on in my head, this post will be a dyslexics/multiple personality dream come true.  So, being that I’m OCD, I’ll bullet every thought…

Diet/Exercise/Health.. blah blah blah

  • I stopped taking Qsymia immediately after starting it.. As much as I want to be skinny (and I really really do), this drug made me feel like I was having a heart attack. I had to stop it…  or risk losing my life.  Which I’m o.k. with (losing my life) except that I don’t have a living will in place and I want to make sure that all my financial plans have the appropriate beneficiaries (NOT my ex).
  • I have lost 4 pounds in the last month.  My motivation is clear – I will not be the short fat friend at my friend’s wedding in September.  And honestly, I’m sick and tired of being fat and tired.  I’ve just stopped eating everything – I eat half of what I’m served… . And I’ve cut out carbs for the most part.  That is all I’ve done.  I wish I could say I’ve been eating healthier, exercising more.. but it would all be a lie.  I need to exercise just to clear my head, but alas, I’ve still not been able to do it given my work commitments.
  • I am actually craving a workout. I’m desperate to get away from work… I’m willing to do anything, even if that means exercise. My body needs it, my head needs it.

State of Mind and other Uninteresting Topics

  • I’ve moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend.   Its great in so many ways.  The move wasn’t easy but we did it well together, his ying to my yang, yada yada.  … My boyfriend is so good to me – treats me like a queen, would do anything for me….. but god damn it if I don’t think about My Mr. Big every F-U-C-K-I-N-G day.  What is wrong with me?  I have a great guy who treats me so well, takes such good care of me, but every time I see a BMW 750 IL (doesn’t even matter what color these days) I think of him.  The man retreated from my life without notice, never to appear again (at least hasn’t tried to make contact in the last 2+ years that I’m aware of).  I am well aware of the good and bad we shared. In my 42 years of life, what I shared with My Mr. Big was unique and special… It’s not that I’m not over it, it’s just that I would like to experience it again.  I loved the feeling of being cherished while cherishing that same someone.  That unique connection, that apparently I only felt… but still, I want to feel that again.
  • I’ve got a serious case of “the envies”. I am no fun to be with.  Everyone else’s life seems easier to me right now.  I am so heavy with responsibility, with financial weight, with physical weight (see topic above)…  I’m just so sick of myself and envious of those that are skinny, thin, don’t have to work, are supported by trust funds, rich husbands, or in general don’t have to work a 16 hour workday (yes, those of you who are union who complain about an 8  hour day, go somewhere else, I can’t hear you).
  • In addition to the above, I have nothing going on hobby wise.. I have no time for my jewelry making, for catching up with friends, for exercising, for anything other than sleep.  My new sewing machine is still sitting in the box that I received it in from Amazon in January. As my mom used to say, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all”…  I’m only silent when I’m not drinking… which unfortunately for me (and the rest of you) has been too much of my time.

In general, I’m a Pissy Patty.. a Negative Nelly… a Bitter Betty…  I’m no fun to be with. I don’t even like myself right now. If I could take a shower and rinse myself of myself (shit, I scrub myself raw to get out of this skin), I would do it….

How do I get out of this funk? How does a person wake up one day and choose to see a glass half full?  I’ve been trying, making a concerted effort to think about it every day… but god damn, if at the end of every day, I don’t think to myself that a) “that was wishful thinking”, and b) “when is my head going to become dislodged from my ass”?

What is it that tips the scale that pushes someone to just give up and not care vs. waking up and giving it one more shot (one more day)?  When I wake up, I’d love to just go back to sleep and not wake up…..  but I drag myself out of bed, get myself ready for work, and get another day under my belt…  When will I start caring about what I’m doing vs. just going through the motions?  Is it the job? Is it my relationship? Is it my situation? What tugs at your heart-strings? Your health strings? Whats important to your life, how do you know it, and how do you keep track of it, stay on top of it?

One last thing, a few posts ago I said I knew how to use Facebook.  I lied. I don’t get it. I tried to change my picture from a half hotdog to a real picture and it didn’t work. I give up.

Oh, and one more thing. I live walking distance to downtown San Mateo, CA.  Outside my window I can hear a guy walking home a drunk girl. He is being really nice, asking her where she lives… .. she’s not sure what block her house is on.  So I ask you, whose fault is that? This girl is too stupid to know NOT to get too drunk that she can’t walk to her own house/condo/home?  I am just disgusted with her… stupid girl.  If I see this girl on Maury Povich in 10 years and doesn’t know the father of her baby, I get it.  She set herself up.

Nope, stupid girl isn’t going to be my last thought for tonight.   I’m grateful for my wonderful cats. The transition to the new house has been almost seamless.  You know why? Because they thing I was most worried about – the cats – has caused me zero worry. They have taken the move in stride and are as comfortable here, in the new condo, in a more condensed area, as they were spread out at the Big Casa. They are the best pets/kids anyone could ever ask for. I’m lucky they picked me and stuck with me!!  Now I just have to worry that they will stay with me…..

Status Update #1.

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glass-of-waterIt is Sunday night and I wanted to give a quick status update…

I started taking the Qsymia, I’m officially on Day 3 of treatment, but have only taken 2 days of medication.  I have a 6 week treatment plan, identical to this one here. I am scheduled to visit with the doctor at my 6th week to review progress.

On the exercise front, I’m bumping it way up.  Here is the schedule:

  • Saturday – walk with friends
  • Sunday – Zumba class
  • Monday – Boxing class
  • Tues – Bootcamp class
  • Wed – Yoga
  • * Thurs – Bootcamp
  • Friday – NA

I’m traveling this week on Thursday  and Friday so I’m not sure if Thursday’s class will happen, but you get the idea… I’ve not only have something scheduled, I have someone scheduled to do it with me. It really is the only way I’ll do it, especially if its in the early morning.. guilt is the only motivator for me before 8am…

With that, as of today, I’ve not lost any weight per say.  Here is how I felt:

  • Friday – so much energy. I took the pill around 7am, had boat loads of energy all day, and I had CRAZY dreams on Friday night!  4 dreams, 1 was a sex dream, all others included being enormously thirsty and not being able to drink enough water….
  • Saturday – I opted out of taking it on Saturday.  I did not feel hungry all day, did eat a little bit and felt extremely uncomfortable/bloated.  I figured it was from all the water I “drank” in my dreams.
  • Sunday – took the pill at 8am, did not feel hungry all day, I did do a Zumba class (loved it!), took a nap, ate very little, and had a few glasses of wine in the evening….

I’m not feeling any different mood wise, but I’m definitely NOT hungry.. even when my stomach growls from hunger, and I would normally want to eat (like after exercise), I dont feel it…. so if I do eat something, I eat less.  LIke today, I had a cup of greek yogart and that was plenty.  But, in general, eating hasn’t been my problem, lack of exercise has (or excess drinking.. I can’t tell), so I’m crossing my fingers that this opportunity has given me the kick in the butt I need to get active again.

O.k. I have a very early start to my day tomorrow. I hope this information was helpful…

Reset.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

reset-in-cementAs I’ve written in my last post, I feel lost, like I’ve spiraled downwards.  I get up every morning and wish I could go back to bed, sleep it off.  “It” being my life.  I just want it to stop being so hard….  What’s so hard? Realizing that the divide between where I want to be/where I thought I would be and where I am is so vast…

I’ve been wanting to write about my New Years Resolutions for some time now, I’ve just not had any time.  And thats the problem – I have not committed to living my life.  I keep thinking I will do it tomorrow, and now its March.  March!  Two months of thinking about it, doing nothing about it.  So March 1st is the day.

  1. First, the catalyst is my weight. I’ve gained too much weight… I’m 5’2″ and I now weigh 133 lbs.  That is obese. I’m OBESE.  That is crazy to me. I have let myself go over the last 2 years…. well, 4 years really… I can no longer do nothing.
  2. Second, I have zero energy.  I actually had to come home from work during lunch a few weeks ago to take a nap. I could not focus, could not stay aware/awake, was in a complete fog. Without a nap, I would not have gotten through the day.
  3. Third, I have lost the ability to remember.  I cannot remember anything, even the simplest of things. A date? Google calendar.  A name. Not going to happen.  Whatever brain space is reserved for memory, mine is gone. If only I could get some cloud backup for shit that doesn’t matter so I can make for new, more important things like work.

All of these reasons made me focus on my health in 2013.  I am in another Not Buying It Year.. instead of buying things, I’m buying my health back.  I’ve been to the doctor a few times now, and we are working on addressing all the above, along with a few other things like constipation and hemorrhoids.

The reason I’m writing? Because I’ve been diagnosed as “normal”… believe it or not, according to healthcare standards, nothing is physically wrong with me.  Blood tests show that I don’t have high blood pressure, my thyroid is in normal range.. cholesterol is fine.  But I am overweight for my size…and it has totally effected my confidence.  Along with my horrible work experience with Man Hands, my weight has pushed me into a slight depression… so to address issue # 1 above, I asked for and received a prescription to help reduce my weight WHICH my insurance DID NOT cover.  The prescription – Qsymia.

In addition to taking the drug, I’ve also added in 2 more workouts a week – a Boxing class with a new work friend  and a Zumba dance class on Sunday…  But Qsymia has a few side effects that may have a negative impact on me – Side effects include concentration/memory difficulties along with mood problems.

I will start taking the prescription tomorrow, March 1st. I will track my progress over the next 6  weeks.  I will document how I feel, my weight, and anything else that I feel…  I’m looking forward to this journey… I need something to focus on other than work!

Who Am I?

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

who-am-i-head-in-handsGod I know, it has been forever.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about posting something – god knows I have a million thoughts running through my head every second of every day.  But I’ve not had a single second to myself in almost 3 months.  I am definitely working at a start-up company… so much to do and not enough time in the day, week, month to complete it.

I feel that I’ve lost myself, that I don’t know who I am anymore.  All I’ve done for the last 2+ years is work WAY TO MUCH.  I’ve not had any time to focus on the things that are really important – family, friends, experiences.  I feel as though I’ve lost my way – I’ve lost myself.  I feel as if I’m going thru the motions of life but not truly living it…. Everyday that passes me by is a day I’ve lost. I’m not quite sure how to get on the right track… I feel fuzzy and unsure of my next steps.  I know where I would like to be, what I want in my life, I just don’t have any idea on how to get there.

I’m short on patience right now, and I’m envious of those who appear to have “more”… people like this chick, who hasn’t worked a day in her life, is a mess, and just inherited a fortune.  The friends of A-Train who just purchased a Tesla, all beautiful skinny people…   anybody that appears to have an easier time enjoying life because of money, good looks, or good fortune.  I know that I’m feeling this way but right now I can’t help myself.  I force these negative thoughts out of my head, but they keep coming back, over and over again.  I’ve never thought or felt like this before, I’m just not myself.  I don’t know who I am anymore…

I remember the three times in my life where I have felt so at peace, so confident, so in-tune with myself.  I was on my own (not necessarily alone), completely in sync with myself, and at peace with my career, my body, my looks, my life.  I have so far to go to get back to this place, I don’t know where to start…

I’m not sure how I’m going to “fix” myself.  I’m would love suggestions, so if you’ve got advice, I’ll take it.

Sorry that my first post back is such a Debbie Downer…   😦

Ahhhhh.. Communication!

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

So I’m so thrilled I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes.  I’ve been assigned my first prospect where I will be the lead … and guess what?  I called the Sales Exec, we spoke for 10 minutes so I could get an update on the prospect and strategize, TOGETHER, on what we would do and how we would like to proceed..  Can you believe it?  Real communication?!?!  I’m so excited; how can I not be successful when I’m working with folks that a) want to be successful, and b) want their teammates to be successful?!?  I’m so verklempt about it.  I know, short post, but I had to share with someone!

Tracking The Ever Illusive Gingerbread Man

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

I have a huge favor to ask you, my readers, followers, fans…  I need you to send a postcard of a ginger person sighting to my niece’s school.

My niece, “Mayonaise”‘s class has started a lesson about the world… The gingerbread “man” has run away and the class is going to track his where-a-bouts via these postcards.  Her teacher has requested that friends and family get involved and mail picture postcards sharing their “sightings” of the gingerbread man. They are going to track the gingerbread man’s travels on a map to see where he/she has been.

In addition, the kids with the most postcards (more than 3) from around the world will get to be a part of a big gingerbread activity… None of the kids or parents know what it is yet…  maybe they will get to build a life-sized gingerbread house (remember they are 5 years old).  No matter what it is, it’s a fun, innocent way to learn about the world and make and eat cookies!!

So, please send a postcard with your ginger person sighting to the following address:

Abby May “Mayonaise”

C/O Mrs. Aggards AM Kindergarten Class

Nebo View Elementary

380 East. 200 North

Nephi, Utah 84648

Stating something to this effect:

“Dear Abby M.

I was on my way to work in my car this morning and you will never believe what I saw!  I looked over, and a gingerbread woman was driving the car next to me!  I was shocked, I didn’t think gingerbread people existed!  When I saw her, she looked back at me, and she blew me a kiss!  What a treat!  I’ve been smiling all day, and I hope this sighting will make you smile too.”  

xoxoxoxo”

If you just can’t come up with something clever, a few samples can be found here, here, and here.

She needs as many postcards as possible, from as many different places around the world.  I’m going to send emails to my friends requesting their assistance, but thought all of you would want to help too!

Postcards must be received by Dec. 1st so the sooner you can send one the better!  Only one can be received from each person/address …  otherwise I’d send her a bunch myself!!

Thanks everyone for your support!!

Writing A Bio – What Do You Say When You Don’t Have “Wife/Husband and Kids”?

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I will write more about my new job (I LOVE it) later when I have more time. Right now I have to write a professional/personal bio that my manager can send to the masses.  All the examples I see include what people do in their free time – which most often includes a spouse and kids.  Now, if you don’t have a spouse and kids, what do you say?  I can’t put what I usually do – hang out with friends and sleep, eat, and drink to my merriest content… that I’m not married, have no intention of being married, and that I’ve just shacked up with my boyfriend, and that my cats rule the roost.  That they poop in the neighbors garden and I’m now training them to poop in our backyard…  that I’ve not completed one New Year’s resolution this year..

So, without all that brazen honesty, here is what I’m thinking:

Paula most recently joins us from XXX where she was the lead tech sales consultant for the business rules process platform in the Telecom and Media vertical.  Her role was to lead a team thru all stages of a longer-term enterprise sales cycle.  Prior to XXX, she held various consulting, development, marketing, and technical pre-sales roles at Andersen Consulting, PeopleSoft (pre-acquisition), Crossworlds, IBM, and Corticon.  Paula is originally from Provo, Utah and is a graduate of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City.
Paula lives in San Mateo with her boyfriend and two cats and spends her free time with friends doing any number of activities: exercising, cooking, eating, wine tasting, etc.  She has quite a few hobbies, the two that top the list right now are jewelry making and hula hooping.  Learning to sew, knit (again), and speak Spanish are on next years New Years Resolution list.

If any of you have any comments, suggestions on what I should really include that helps me stand out and seem interesting and not like a crazy cat lady please let me know.. I’ve got to get this out by the end of the day.

Do You Have a Clever Halloween Costume Idea?

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Hello folks!  So Halloween will be day 3 at my new company AND it is Halloween. Apparently this new company of mine LOOOVVVVEEEESSSS Halloween.

I do NOT have a costume, so I need to come up with something clever.  I absolutely LOVE the Holloween costume tips GG suggests in her post, I may just go with static cling as its easy… I love white trash but I can’t bring that into the work environment.

I’d love to  hear what other ideas are out there for a random costume that doesn’t require a costume and is clever…  please post in comments.

Bring ’em on people, I need ideas!

UPDATE #1:  Here are a few easy ideas from your closet that I found while surfing for safe, workplace costumes:

  1. Cowboy (boots, jeans, bandana, belt buckle or cowboy hat)
  2. Doctor or nurse (scrubs, stethoscope)
  3. ’80s Fabulous (leggings, oversized sweatshirt, teased hair and gold accessories)
  4. Modern witch (black dress, witch hat)
  5. Grunge rocker (concert T-shirt, jeans, flannel overshirt)
  6. Tourist (socks with sandals, panama hat, camera)
  7. Greaser (white T-shirt, rolled jeans, slicked-back hair)
  8. Lumberjack (flannel shirt, jeans, boots, beanie or cap)
  9. Athlete (gym shorts, sneakers, sweatbands, jerseys)
  10. Nerd (high water pants, taped glasses, calculator, drawn-on freckles)

 

 

Workplace Bullying.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

Some people just aren’t very nice.  What makes them this way?  Why do they enjoy hurting other people?

I found this link on workplace bullying – http://www.academia.edu/161810/Potential_Legal_Protections_and_Liabilities_for_Workplace_Bullying

They define workplace bullying as:

“Workplace bullying can be defined as the “repeated, malicious, health-endangering mistreatment of one employee by one or more employees”

This results in significant harm to the mistreated employee:

“Bullying can inflict devastating harm on targeted employees. According to Dr. Gary Namie, severely bullied workers may experience conditions such as clinical depression, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, impaired immune systems, and even symptoms consistent with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Many of these individuals are faced with life-altering decisions about whether to stay in or leave a job.”

I have experienced everything listed here.  I gained 10 pounds. I have significant digestive issues – I take 8 pills a day to help me with digestion, regularity, etc.   My doctor has also given me several prescriptions to help me deal with my anxiety and depression, and my last blood test indicated high blood pressure and cholesterol levels, which has NEVER been an issue before now.    His recommendation to me was to quit my job – that is was having a negative impact on my health.

I wanted to make things work.  I spent most of the year trying to “turn her around”; have her see the real me (not her version of me), or at the very least just respect me and the work that I do.  I gave up about a month ago – when a another colleague came into town, and she was nice, friendly, and kind to him.  The words “thank-you” actually escaped her lips, to  him of course, when the truth is, he put us 3 days behind schedule.  It was this point that I lost it – I realized, that no matter what I did, how I did it, it was never going to be enough. She has just had it out for me since the beginning for whatever reason. It is the way it is and there is nothing I could possibly do to change her opinion of me.  

These last 10 months have been so difficult, so challenging. I experienced something that I never thought could ever happen to me. I’m not a victim – I’m likable, professional, and easy to work with.  I’m friendly, I’m kind, I’m a team player, I like people, I like to solve problems. It really never ever occurred to me that this would be the end to this professional chapter.

Yes, my management was/is aware of the situation.  I did not contact HR (I believe that HR is there to protect the company, not me), and to be honest, I didn’t have time. I was truly working 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, for many many months.

This is it for me. I’ll write about my vacation and the amazing oppotunities and adventures I have ahead of me.

Letter of Resignation.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

I did it today. Resigned from my current job.  It feels good to no longer tolerate a very bad working situation.  It also feels unfinished to me – I would absolutely not be leaving if it weren’t for the actions and behavior of one person.  But for my physical and mental health, for my relationships – with my boyfriend, my friends, I cannot continue forward on my current path.

I looked up the word resignation on the internet…  the definition is ‘relinquishment of responsibility’.  Synonyms include abandonment, giving up, leaving, quitting, surrender, withdrawal…  Harsh words.

My optimistic side tells me to look at the bright side – that I’m taking control of a bad situation, turning a new leaf, making a healthy decision, choosing a different path. My very thoughtful boyfriend ATrain tells me that this bad situation has pushed me into a new opportunity that I might not have otherwise have seen/taken.  Unicorns is proud of and excited for me.

For now, I’m brooding. I’m unsettled, uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just the circumstances.  Maybe it’s the change.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve made some bad professional decisions in the past. Maybe it’s because I’ve had so much change in my life over the last 4 years.  But I’ve never had to leave a job before.  I guess there is a first time for everything.

For those of you interested, here is my resignation letter in its entirety.   Name replaced to protect the guilty.

Please accept this email as official notification of my intent to resign from my position as a Sr. Solution Consultant two weeks from now.  My last day will be Friday, Oct. 26th.  

Over the last two years, I have been inspired by the talent and professionalism of my colleagues and by the power and flexibility of this amazing product.  That has made my decision to leave the company especially difficult.  However, since I began working with Man Hands, I have been in turmoil. 

I have always believed that the surest path to success is for an EA and an SC to work as partners, to collaborate on account strategy and to communicate transparently with each other.  Unfortunately, Man Hands does not share this point of view.  She has been consistently mistrustful of me without cause, has withheld information from me that is critical to my success and to our company’s success at Cisco, and has attempted to tarnish my reputation with colleagues.  And despite the fact that I have gone well beyond the call of duty, logging 12-15 hour days and consistently working weekends for the last six months, her attitude towards me remains unchanged.  Working under such stressful conditions has become mentally and physically debilitating and for that reason, I must resign.

Resigning for these reasons is extremely disconcerting, but, given the circumstances, I don’t feel I have much choice. Senior management does not seem troubled by Man Hands abusive behavior toward me,  therefore, I doubt that any change is imminent.  I have really enjoyed working with you, our team, and the SE organization.  I am passionate about the technology and have really enjoyed being on the forefront of building strong relationships with companies like XXX and XXXX.  And I want to thank you for being a wonderful manager. I appreciate more than you know your support during some of the most difficult times I’ve had professionally.  I know you did everything you could to improve my working conditions and I appreciate that.  I sincerely hope that my resignation does not reflect adversely upon you in any way.

Please let me know if I can provide any assistance with the transition. I would be glad to provide whatever support I can during my remaining time with the company.

And with this letter, I have officially resigned.  I feel good about letting them know why, but I know it still doesn’t change anything. It is what it is.