life experiences

Dear Paula Letter.

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I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Who WOULDN’T Hold Onto This?

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Ok friends… do  not judge.

BUT, today I spent the day unpacking, and look at the fancy little number I came across… yes, you see correctly, a set of pewter champagne glasses … holding hands (see how the holding of hands creates a heart…. awwwhhhh so cute!).  I know at the time I thought this was very special, because they are NOT and have NOT been prominately displayed in any home I’ve lived in – they are still wrapped up tight in their original box.

A little piece of history about me, I used to save everything… everything.  I would save anything I valued, cherished it really.. take care of it like a newborn chick… tuck it away, safely, in the back of a drawer, deep dark corner of the closet.. look at it, touch it.. but never using it. Knowing it was there, safe and sound, made me happy.    My mom will tell you, it used to frustrate her to no end.  She would purchase common things for me (underwear, shoes, etc..) and I’d continue to wear the old ratty ones, while coveting the new ones, in their original package, until they no longer fit.   I’ve worked very hard at breaking this habit.  Now, if I don’t need something, I toss it out. No more storage, no more “holding on” to things that are not useful (it’s a wonder I’m still single… ). 

Obviously I still have a bit more “letting go” to do.  Because as I am unpacking some final boxes (mostly wedding and holiday stuff),  I came across my “together forever” champagne glasses.  Funny thing, I can tell you when I bought them, who I was with, what I was doing…..  the feeling of being at the Shakespeare Festival, in Novato,  eating corn on the cob, hanging out with my girlfriend Gina (no boyfriend as of yet)…..  the feeling of being there came rushing back.  It had to have been 1995…  maybe 1996. 

I did a bit of research, this set is now worth $100.  I know I didn’t pay anywhere near that because a) I didn’t have the money at the time, and b) the first time I spent $100 on one item was a pair of shoes….  (black high-heeled loafers from Macy’s)…

So, I will sell this one of a kind set  (looks like its a thriving business for the artists/pewtersmiths – http://www.fellowshipfoundry.com/perl-bin/catalog.cgi?ITEM=K010, but my combo is unique) but the memory will always be with me…

Cha Cha Cha Changes.

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My life is about to change in a big way…. both good and bad.  Most of the changes in our lives happen due to unexpected events….    There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, changes I can’t talk about, but changes that will alter the course of my life.  I’m scared.  I either make it or I don’t.   I have little to zero control over what has happened, but I am in control of what I do now…  how I react to the situation, how I move forward.  I’m taking it one day (maybe an hour??) at a time so anxiety doesn’t consume me.

In addition to these changes, I spend a lot of time at the end of the year reflecting on the year, my choices, life happenstance.  This year, I made a lot of choices that are irreversable, and now, things beyond my control have altered my lifestyle…  I’ve been thrown up in the air, my feet are facing the sky, my back is down, and I’m looking to turn it around before the new year begins…  we shall see.   I have no idea how I’m going to land, but I am making a plan to land on my feet.

Someone To Count On.

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The move is over.  All items have been moved into my new home.  I now have the task of unpacking all my boxes, finding places for the things I have.    I moved from 1900 sq ft to 1200 sq ft so as I unpack, I will be selling stuff.  I do not plan on putting anything on storage – if I don’t use it, out it goes – I don’t need it.

The reason I write today is because of what is on my mind.  I have been very stressed out about my financial situation (no more cash cushion), the move, and my job.  Yes, when it rains, it pours.  I think there is a new strategy at play at work, and I will not be a part of this new strategy…  this news has come at a very bad time for me given my jump back into real estate.

This is the time that I would really love to have someone in my life that I could count on, that I could lean on.   Life is not easy – it often throws us curve-balls, I get it, but its at these times that it would be nice to have someone in my corner.  I am scared, I am stressed, I have a ton of anxiety….  I would love to be able to turn to a partner, my partner, and have them just give me a hug and say, “it will be o.k., we’ll get thru it together”.  I’d like to say I’ve had this in my life, but I haven’t.  I’ve had boyfriends that have comforted me, give me the support I needed, but alas it was not permanent.  My EX, did not know how to be supportive (compassionate, empathetice, etc..), but I thought that would change with marriage… FYI, it did NOT. 

Anyway, I think it takes a lot of work to have a relationship where someone truly has your back and you theirs.  That you can trust and they trust you – with your lives.   I have friends who have relationships like this, and its so nice to see its possible. 

My friends have been very supportive…  My peeps definitely take care of me, support me when I’m down, out, or otherwise dis-enchanted.  I’m lucky to have them in my life.

Road Trip.

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I spent the weekend with family.  It was a busy but rewarding weekend.

The fabulous A’s came out, my niece and her daughter, and we drove a car to UT, the one she will  use to get herself to and from school.  Its a great beauty – an older truck that has been very well taken care of (thank you Dancing Queen) but has plenty of life left in her.  Her name – Ethel.  We loved Ethel, she is in the prime of her life.   I’ll post pictures of Ethel in a few days. 

We started our drive on Saturday morning, stopped off in Winemucca, NV (where “there is always something going on” according to the 100’s of billboards up to the Hills Have Eyes town) for a bite to eat, slept in Elko, NV, and finished our trip in Lehi, UT, which is where I’m now.  My flight from SLC to CA was cancelled this evening, I’m heading home to the cats tomorrow. 

I would normally be annoyed by the airlines not being able to get their act together, but not this time.  I feel relieved as now I am able to spend time with family.  My mom is taking caree of her a few of her grandkids – my youngest sisters kids. One of them is Bubba, a nephew that is near and dear to my heart. I fell in love with this little guy the minute I met him – named him Bubba myself.  Not because he looked like a fat man who played a part in Deliverance, but because he had the warmest spirit and biggest smile of any little boy I knew.  My heart melted, and Bubba has had a special place in my heart since.

Anyway, due to a family emergency, the boys are are here at Grandma’s.  And tonight, I’m the lucky one – I get to sleep with one of my favorite men of all time – Bubba.  I’m headed to bed soon, he is fast asleep…  so adorable!  I hear he snores and likes to kick….   who doesn’t?!??!

All in all, this is an experience I will remember.  Glad I did it. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.  And who doesn’t like a lady who smiles?

New Horizons.

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So, today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m on my way home, begin work on Monday, and fall back into the basic routine of my everyday life.

But today is one of the most memorable for me.  I just completed a vacation where I got uninterrupted time with both my mother and my neice. 

I spent 3 days, 2 nights with my mother, who told me stories about she and my father, about their parents, and their grandparents.  It was fascinating to learn more about my parents NOT as parents, but as people; as children, teenagers, and young folks; to hear about their lives, growing up, and the history that has influenced who I am.  I will share some of these stories as I process them.

I also  spent 3  nights, 3 days with my niece, who I feel as close to as a daughter (I imagine).  We talked about anything and everything; her children (3 and 1, the darlingist little ladies in the world!!), our family, our relationship, our past, her future….   I am so incredibly proud of her.   You see, I had custody of her years ago, during her teenage years.  Unfortunately for all of us, we needed to place her in a girls school for  a year.  We chose a school in Hurricane, UT because of its program to counsel vs. punish…  Today, 5 years later, my neice and I went to the school, drove thu Hurricane, and relived that difficult time.   The experience feels both like it happened yesterday AND forever ago.

The reason that today was so special for me is because of how much my niece has matured and what a great person she has become.  I knew this day would come, I had confidence in her, I believed in her… and today, her plans for herself and her girls, proved to me that the difficult experience we had was all worth it.   Its hard to believe that the 2 year old I fell head over heals in love with is now 21, a mother of 2 very happy and healthy girls, and a  college student.  She amazes me.

I have a few pictures of us, with town of Hurricane, UT behind us (so fitting).  What I’ve shared here is a view of Hurricane without us as to not blow my cover.  BTW, the pictures of us turned out fabulously – we are absolutely gorgeous!!  🙂

“I’ve Fallen And I CAN Get Up.”

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Yes, a slight adjustment to a an old infomercial favorite – “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”.  My usage of this every popular catch phrase has more to do with emotional health, not a medical (physical) emergency.

2008 was a very tough year. 2009 is/was a recovery year. As I look back, 2009 was about figuring out “my stuff”.   It’s taken a lot longer than I thought it would, but then again, I feel like I want to be solid, standing strong and on my own two feet before I get back into living life.  

 I have been a recluse this year. I’ve done this on purpose… somewhat. The good thing is that I’ve focused on me, what I want and need. The bad thing is that I’ve kept to myself most of the year and not reached out to good friends.  Thinking about this year has me thinking about what I want/need in the new year. Right now I’m not sure what 2010 will bring, but I will give it some serious thought these next few days. 

I’ll keep you posted.

End of the Sparkley.

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So, today, I finally did it – I sold my engagement ring.  Its been on the back of my mind for months (honestly more like a year and a half now, ever since the seperation… “what the hell do with this thing now?”).

Today, I went to a jewelry store and just sold it.  I felt a huge sigh of relief.  More than I expected to feel.  Honestly, I’m so relieved to be done with this part of my life.  Selling the ring seemed more important since I’ve changed my name.  I really just want to be done with the past, with the part of my life that was unhappy; unfullfilled…  Now, single with two cats, i’m so much more content and happy with my life.  I never thought I would be single at 38 ….   single with two cats none-the-less…  but I am happy, how lucky am I to be 38 and truly happy?!?!?

Anyway, the fancy pants diamond ring is gone…. and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.  Materials things cannot and do not make me happy…  I’d be happy with a rented trailer by the sea, or better yet, a lavendar farm in northern/central California!!

Good-bye sparkely diamond, I will not miss you.

Fugly For A Day.

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So, last weekend I woke up with a swollen eye.  My right eye was completely swollen shut due to two mosquito bites – one on the inside of the eye, another on the outside of the eye.  Swollen shut.  It itched like crazy, but after looking at it, I decided to put ice on it instead of scratching it… it helped, the eye swelling reduced by 50%, but still very noticable.  

Bottom line, I woke up fugly.  Went to bed normal, woke up fugly.  And I stayed fugly for 2 days (friends might say 1 day, but the eye was NOT quite back to normal the second day)….

Given my new state, fugly, I decided I was not going anywhere.  My friend Katie convinced me to go with her to a few stores….  I’m glad I did, for the sheer purpose of learning how self-conscious I am when I dont look like my normal self.  My normal self, my looks, are average, I’ve got some pluses, but some minuses too… they all even out so that I’m average….  what I’ve really got going for me is my sparkling personality… this is what pushes me into above average.  🙂

Anyway, I was surprised how less confident, self-conscious I felt with my deformity.  I swear, people were staring at me….  I would look at them, I swear they were doing a double take….  I was very conscious of it – first glance, sweeping view just to make sure you dont ‘bump carts’… but then, then there was a second look…..  the stare down, like they are trying to figure out what is wrong, where is the disfigurement….    at that second look I would look down, knowing that I was unworthy…      when I ran into someone (which happens when you only look down), I would say sorry (which I am totally against)..

I was exhausted by the end of the day (we were a the store for maybe an hour)…  it took a lot of work to be self-conscious and fugly.  Katie invited me to a party, of course that was NOT going to happen. I stayed home, nursed my wounds….

I did wake up Sunday almost as good as new, but effected by the experience.  I am completely back to normal now, but there isn’t a day that has gone by that I dont think about it.  Makes me wonder if I’m really as self-confident as I think I am, because I feel like if I was, a swollen eye wouldn’t have had such an effect on me.

I did take pictures of my eye, and once I get enough confidence and/or courage to share them, I will post pictures to this blog.  Its bad peeps, very bad.  When it becomes funny, I’ll post it.

 

 

Sausage Pasta.

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So, I have a bunch of new habits… ones that I’ve easy to fallen into and didnt take notice until a friend pointed one out…. 

First, there are things about me that I know, and that my dearest friends know, and that others are quickly learning… you can find all of my special features/functions on the “My List” page.  I have a few other habits/nuances that may join the list, but as of today, the are just too new to put on “the list”…  check back in 2-3 months to see what happens.

So, I have a few favorite dishes that I make all the time… really, all the time.   There are 4 of them, and they include: sausage pasta (there is a summer and winter version, I’m blogging about the summer version), green chili pork stew with beans, pesto pasta with cherry tomatoes and mozzerella cheese balls, and a meal named after my very dear friend, Katie, called Katie’s Pasta, which is orzo pasta with sun dried tomatoes, slivered almonds, and kalamata olives…   All of these meals are to die for AND I make enough for 2-3 nights…..  I have the ingredients for ALL of these meals in my house at all times… and may even have a serving or two in the freezer when needed in desperate times (like returning from a trip and want/need a “home cooked” meal).

I didn’t realize that I was so taken with these dishes UNTIL I listed them all out as options for a dear friend that was over for dinner.  The response was interesting…  “no more sausage pasta” was the statement.   Of all my favorites, this is the one that was NOT going to make the cut.  Wow.. I couldn’t believe it, really? No more sausage pasta?  Granted we’ve had it every week in the last 3 weeks, but I do tweak it a bit every time…  it is a differnt meal every single time… 😉

Funny thing, I am home alone tonight, sans friends, and I made myself some sausage pasta… its really a garden pasta with aspargus, orange peppers, carrots, and a bit of sausage. Today I spiced it up with red chili’s….  and I always throw parmesan cheese on my serving.  It was delicious…. truly delicious.  I can’t believe that someone really doesn’t want to have sausage pasta again….

Anyway, its interesting how quickly new habits are formed… old habits forgotten.  I can’t even remember what I used to make for dinner before…. the new meals, named above, have become the norm, the staples in this household.

I guess the point I’m making is that old habits may die hard, but they do die….   and new habits are formed. And they may not make your friends happy, but as long as you are happy, then its a new, right habit for you.

So, one last funny story….  I went to an online translation engine to translate “long live Sausage Pasta” to Italian (my favorite country, my favorite vacation spot), and this is what I got: “pasta lungamente in tensione della salsiccia”, which directly translates to  “It wishes the paste in tension of the sausage” or “paste long in tension of the sausage”…. 

I think the translations speak for themselves.  Funny.