Totally Drained. Emotionally Spent. Nothing Left to Give.

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These last 3 weeks have been brutal.  I have been traveling non-stop to Boston for 3 weeks for my new job to get up to speed on new technology, messaging, and relationships.   I’m just recovered from a  bad cold.  A friendship I really enjoyed somehow went from fun to fatal in my absense.  My dad has not recovered from his surgery and is not doing well. My nieces car engine needs to be replaced so she can get to/from school and work.   And tonight, while at dinner with colleagues, I received a call from some crazy lady back home who has trapped my cat inside her house.    She is going to let her go tonight – but who does that??  Sophie, the cat, only travels/adventures out when I’m gone too long, heads out to look for me (or love.. maybe food)…. breaks my heart. 

The experience of processing everything that is going on and trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward has left me emotionally spent.  My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and completely run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….  I’m numb.

I know that life is busy and full of challenges… most of the time I can handle it, and sometimes even with grace.  Other times, like now, it just takes a toll.  I have zero room for anything else right now…. I have nothing else to give.  And I still have two more days of training in cold, grey Boston….  an expensive car bill… an unhappy/trapped cat.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get thru the rest of the week.  Friday can’t come soon enough.

I cannot wait to come home, spend time with friends, see the cats, and reconnect with myself .

Dear Paula Letter.

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I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

NYR 2011

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Happy New Year everyone!!  Now is the time to make commitements to yourself, steer your life in the direction you want it to go.  I have many New Years resolutions this year….. some are follow-ups from last year, some are new ones.  I absolutely love the new year… new beginnings are so fun and refreshing.

So, 2011, what do I want to focus on?   What do I want to accomplish? Here’s the list.

  1. Financial Life.  I need to get my financial house in order.  Between purchasing a new house and gaining new employment, I really need to get this done. The goals are:
    • Debt. Remodeling the new house cost a lot more than I had agreed up and expected. It cost more money than I had.  I now owe a bunch of money to someone, and I have no way of repaying this debt right now.  I need to come up with a repayment plan and get this debt/loan paid off.  Really bothers me to owe someone money and is the main reason why this is goal # 1 for 2011.
    • Build a Trust/Will (rollover from 2010).  I do not have a ton of money, but I will be worth something when I die, so I want to make sure that my money goes to where I want it to go.  I do know that none of my accounts list the EX as a beneficiary, but now I want to be specific on where I want it to go…. to educating my nieces and nephews, animal rights organizations, etc.. I want to put all the proceeds from my 401(k), life insurance policies, work AD&D into the trust, then name the beneficiaries in one place. My friends have done this, I have the name of a good attorney, I just need to do it.  
    • Not Buying It.  Love this one, did well in2010, and I’m going to continue it.  I just do not need anything…   I’m going to make sure that if I spend money, that its important and I need it. And given that I have debt to pay off, this is a solid resolution to have.
  2. Weight Loss.  So, I lost 5 lbs and a dress size last year. My body shape has absolutely changed.. clothes that used to fit do not fit or fit strangely.  I do feel good about this, but I don’t feel as good as I thought I would.  I want feel better about myself, so there is more work to be done.  My goal is to lose 5 more pounds and another dress size.  It’s important that I shape up and gain muscle, lose fat.  I have plenty to work on:   I’d like to continue to focus on my stomach, my backside could use a reduction and some shaping, and my arms could use some toning.  So I’m going to do the same thing I did last year:  watch what I put in my mouth and try to exercise/do something every day. I love yoga and pilates, I’ve got a few good DVD’s that I can take on the road with me.  Its all about staying healthy and getting to a healthier state.  
  3. Professional Life. I had a bad year professionally in 2010.  The company I joined in 2010 was not a good fit for me for many reasons.  I worked very hard and did my best and it still just didn’t work out.  I’m happy that I found a new job so quickly and the new company I’m with feels like a much better fit.  What I want to do this year is grow – it seems like its been forever since I’ve learned something new.  My new company focuses on education and enabling their sales team for success, and I’m really looking forward to being a part of it.  A couple of things I’d like to focus on professionally this year:
    • Presentation Skills.  I’ve always wanted to be a sleek and smooth presenter. Most often I feel like I fumble thru a presentation.  I want get to the point where I feel comfortable, where I know that I’m delivering a bang-up presentation.  This will take a bit of reading and practice…I have a few books I’m going to read and I’m going to practice practice practice.  
    • Professional Style.  Since I’ve not been “out” at customer sites in a while, I feel out of touch with my business clothing.  I want to slim down my wardrobe and keep only the pieces that I feel most comfortable in.  I have a few great suits which I love and fit me well, but its the upscale business casual clothes that I need.  My first goal will be to weed out the pieces that don’t fit well, then identify the pieces that I need… I want to be selective and make sure that its a good piece that will last a long time. Yes, I’m aware that I have goals about not spending money, I think that its only a few pieces and good, solid pieces never go out of style and its worth the investment.
  4. Personal Life. There are a couple of things I want/need to do this year.
    • I want to have love in my life again.  I would like to find a partner is that available and ready for a healthy, happy relationship.  Relationships are not easy, they do take work, but I think with good communication, patience, trust, and understanding, you CAN actually have one that is  drama free and fun.  I’m going to leave myself open for love and see what happens.
    • Reconnect with a good friend.   There is one friend that I’ve known for many many years that I just stopped communicating with.  It wasn’t because anything happened, its largly because I was working so hard and trying to succeed at work.  Then when time passed I didn’t want to own up to all the time passing… .so I didn’t reach out.  But now, I think about it all the time, wondering what happened to this friend of mine.  She was an exceptional person and friend to me, and I just need to own up to being lazy and reach out.  I need to apologize and make an effort to bring the friendship back into my life. 
  5. Alcohol Intake. I cut back significantly on my drinking in 2010 and I’m going to do the same thing in 2011.  I credit this to my job that didn’t work out and not traveling.  I worked very hard in 2010, in a job I didn’t like, for a company that was “different”…  YOu would think this would cause me to drink more, but I was working so much that I didn’t have time for drinks.  In previous jobs, I traveled quite a bit, and did a lot of drinking when I was on the road (airports, airplanes, restaurants, hotel bars, etc)).  This year, I will not be drinking on airplanes.  It’s Jan. 14th, I’ve taken 3 flights (2 were 6+hours), and I have not had a drink….  Its taken great strength to NOT order a couple of drinks on the airplane so far, but I’ve done it.  I think it will get easier and easier as the year progresses.  A couple of exceptions to this:
    • Vacation.  If I’m on my way to or from a vacation, long weekend, etc..
    • Upgrade.  If I’m ever upgraded to business or first class where the drinks are free.. well, its free and I’m going to partake.
    • Free.  If I am offered a cocktail at no cost by a flight attendant or fellow passenger I’m taking them up on it. 


I’m going to be on the East Coast a lot this year – and I want to arrive in each location without a hangover…  Its hard enough to deal with the 3 hour time difference… if I need help sleeping, I’ll take a pill.

 

That’s it.  I know, a lot to focus on, but I’m ready… I feel solid this year, I’m in a good place, and now, its time to excelerate forward.  I’m looking forward to all the oportunities that present themself in 2011!

Who WOULDN’T Hold Onto This?

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Ok friends… do  not judge.

BUT, today I spent the day unpacking, and look at the fancy little number I came across… yes, you see correctly, a set of pewter champagne glasses … holding hands (see how the holding of hands creates a heart…. awwwhhhh so cute!).  I know at the time I thought this was very special, because they are NOT and have NOT been prominately displayed in any home I’ve lived in – they are still wrapped up tight in their original box.

A little piece of history about me, I used to save everything… everything.  I would save anything I valued, cherished it really.. take care of it like a newborn chick… tuck it away, safely, in the back of a drawer, deep dark corner of the closet.. look at it, touch it.. but never using it. Knowing it was there, safe and sound, made me happy.    My mom will tell you, it used to frustrate her to no end.  She would purchase common things for me (underwear, shoes, etc..) and I’d continue to wear the old ratty ones, while coveting the new ones, in their original package, until they no longer fit.   I’ve worked very hard at breaking this habit.  Now, if I don’t need something, I toss it out. No more storage, no more “holding on” to things that are not useful (it’s a wonder I’m still single… ). 

Obviously I still have a bit more “letting go” to do.  Because as I am unpacking some final boxes (mostly wedding and holiday stuff),  I came across my “together forever” champagne glasses.  Funny thing, I can tell you when I bought them, who I was with, what I was doing…..  the feeling of being at the Shakespeare Festival, in Novato,  eating corn on the cob, hanging out with my girlfriend Gina (no boyfriend as of yet)…..  the feeling of being there came rushing back.  It had to have been 1995…  maybe 1996. 

I did a bit of research, this set is now worth $100.  I know I didn’t pay anywhere near that because a) I didn’t have the money at the time, and b) the first time I spent $100 on one item was a pair of shoes….  (black high-heeled loafers from Macy’s)…

So, I will sell this one of a kind set  (looks like its a thriving business for the artists/pewtersmiths – http://www.fellowshipfoundry.com/perl-bin/catalog.cgi?ITEM=K010, but my combo is unique) but the memory will always be with me…

Crying on the Airplane.

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What is it about sitting on an airplane, watching movies on the 12 inch monitor attached to the ceiling that makes me cry?  I’ve cried maybe a handful of times over the last year, most of which, has been on airplanes (non-airplane crying includes in my bed after receiving some bad news, and another time on the couch watching Crazy Heart…)

So tonight, I’m on a long flight, probably the longest flight you can take and still stay in the US – a Coast to Coast trip that takes 6 hours.  All for a good reason.  But because the flight was so long, they showed two movies.  Both movies brought me to tears. TWICE in one night (which would be awesome if it was speaking about a different situation….  huba huba huba).

The movies – Eat Pray Love and The Switch.  First, I read Eat Pray Love, and did not take a liking to it. I felt it was fake – here is a woman who got paid to spend a year off, running about in three exotic places, “discovering” herself, and writing about it.  We should all be so lucky.  I spent the 12 months after my divorce working, taking care of the cats, and learning to breathe again (as you have born witness to on this very blog).  So I would prefer to strip out the drama and learn about how other people did it; how they picked themselves up after a major heartbreak or “failure” and got back on track.  I’m also no Julia Roberts fan – she knows how to be herself, but really, outside of her goofy grin and giggle, what does she have?  There is an episode of Family Guy that makes fun of her..showcases how much she loves herself: Julia Roberts Loves Herself.    Its one of my favorite Family Guy clips.  😉  But, the result of watching this movie on the airplane?  Tears.  Damn.

The other movie – The Swith.   It does have Jennifer Aniston in it, not the best actress.. plays herself well, but she doens’t do it for me (I love the Kates –  Kate Windslet and Kate Blanchet).  Anyway, one of my favorite actors, Justin Bateman, is in the movie (loved him in Juno, fabulous in Arrested Development) so I gave it a chance.  It was cute.  Besides all the unnecessary drama, I liked it – the theme was about taking risks for love…  If there is anything worth taking a risk for, shouldn’t it be love (and money)?  Tears.  Double Damn.

I do not like to cry, and more importantly, I do NOT like displaying emotions in public.  Its nobody’s business what I’m going thru, and if I’m going thru something emotional, then I want to be doing it in the privacy of my own home.  Apparently not last night though, as I shed a bunch of tears while on a plane with a bunch of strangers – I let it be known that I’m actually a softy…    Thank god no one recognized me.

O.k.. I have dry lips and have to find my chapstick.

Cha Cha Cha Changes.

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My life is about to change in a big way…. both good and bad.  Most of the changes in our lives happen due to unexpected events….    There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, changes I can’t talk about, but changes that will alter the course of my life.  I’m scared.  I either make it or I don’t.   I have little to zero control over what has happened, but I am in control of what I do now…  how I react to the situation, how I move forward.  I’m taking it one day (maybe an hour??) at a time so anxiety doesn’t consume me.

In addition to these changes, I spend a lot of time at the end of the year reflecting on the year, my choices, life happenstance.  This year, I made a lot of choices that are irreversable, and now, things beyond my control have altered my lifestyle…  I’ve been thrown up in the air, my feet are facing the sky, my back is down, and I’m looking to turn it around before the new year begins…  we shall see.   I have no idea how I’m going to land, but I am making a plan to land on my feet.

New Laugh Lines.

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A quick entry to share a bit about my holiday’s thus far.

I spent Thanksgiving with a good friend.  We made a fabulous dinner…  drank fantastic wine, watched a few great movies….   All in all, a great holiday.  I do have new laugh lines around my eyes, and the ones around my mouth, much deeper….  I blame my girlfriend… 

I just returned home from visiting with old friends…. friends I “gave up” in the divorce.   Stupidest thing…   I thought my EX would need their support…. I was insecure/unsure how to handle the split.. Iit was easier for me to just let it go.    It was the fabulous A that encouraged me to reach out, and I’m glad that I did.  Its been years, but catching up this evening with some good, quality friends was one of the best things that happened to me this year.  I have made some very good friends in my lifetime, and I’m happy to say that I’ve reconnected with some top quality, good peeps.  I’m glad they have accepted me back into their lives…. I’m lucky to know such kind and understanding friends. 

I have a lot to be thankful for.  This Thanksgiving I’m thankful for good friends and family, and the friends and family that push me a bit out of my comfort zone to do be better, do better, live stronger.

Someone To Count On.

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The move is over.  All items have been moved into my new home.  I now have the task of unpacking all my boxes, finding places for the things I have.    I moved from 1900 sq ft to 1200 sq ft so as I unpack, I will be selling stuff.  I do not plan on putting anything on storage – if I don’t use it, out it goes – I don’t need it.

The reason I write today is because of what is on my mind.  I have been very stressed out about my financial situation (no more cash cushion), the move, and my job.  Yes, when it rains, it pours.  I think there is a new strategy at play at work, and I will not be a part of this new strategy…  this news has come at a very bad time for me given my jump back into real estate.

This is the time that I would really love to have someone in my life that I could count on, that I could lean on.   Life is not easy – it often throws us curve-balls, I get it, but its at these times that it would be nice to have someone in my corner.  I am scared, I am stressed, I have a ton of anxiety….  I would love to be able to turn to a partner, my partner, and have them just give me a hug and say, “it will be o.k., we’ll get thru it together”.  I’d like to say I’ve had this in my life, but I haven’t.  I’ve had boyfriends that have comforted me, give me the support I needed, but alas it was not permanent.  My EX, did not know how to be supportive (compassionate, empathetice, etc..), but I thought that would change with marriage… FYI, it did NOT. 

Anyway, I think it takes a lot of work to have a relationship where someone truly has your back and you theirs.  That you can trust and they trust you – with your lives.   I have friends who have relationships like this, and its so nice to see its possible. 

My friends have been very supportive…  My peeps definitely take care of me, support me when I’m down, out, or otherwise dis-enchanted.  I’m lucky to have them in my life.

Moving Day is Here.

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So, today is the LAST evening we will spend in our current home.  The cats and I are a movin’.  The place the ladies and I have call home, that we have rented for the last year and a half.   I cannot believe it, the beautiful craftsman home that has protected and comforted me during my reclusive years…..   I will never forget her.   I do wish I could have purchased her, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

My move tomorrow, into my new home, is what was meant to be.  Its a new adventure, a new beginning for  me.  I’m moving into my new home – a home I rearchitected (moved some walls around),  designed,  and pulled together.  I’ve worked with a wonderful construction crew who have given me guidance thru the process, and the outcome is more beautiful than I could have imagined on my own.   I know its the right place for me, in this time in my life.  But its different, and I’m still nervous… my heart is beating rapidly….   it feels surreal (I feel like I’m watching myself go thru it vs. really living it).   I think a part of the surrealness is just not believing is truly happening…

I am very lucky, very lucky indeed for this opportunity.  I’m excited to get  moved in and begin living my life.  I know I will next, become reclusive for a bit (once again)… but I will blossom I’m sure in the new year (I’m not much of a holiday type person.. too much focus on the wrong things like gifts and money vs. family and friends).. Anyway, I will get my new home in order quickly so that I can get back out there.

As most of you know, I’m really into New Years Day, but I am into the reflection and new beginnings that a new year gives us the opportunity to experience.  . I’ve already started reflecting on this year, what I’ve accomplished and not accomplished, how I’ve changed, how my goals have changed….  and looking inside myself to figure out where I want to go/what I want to do/be in the next year. 

O.k.. so, now that I’ve taken some time to reflect on what is happening, I need to get off my duff and finish packing.  Three strong men are coming to my house at 9am tomorrow to move my furniture and boxes into the new house.  We should be done by noon.  So by noon PST, the hardest part of the day will be over, and the settling in process can begin.

Road Trip.

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I spent the weekend with family.  It was a busy but rewarding weekend.

The fabulous A’s came out, my niece and her daughter, and we drove a car to UT, the one she will  use to get herself to and from school.  Its a great beauty – an older truck that has been very well taken care of (thank you Dancing Queen) but has plenty of life left in her.  Her name – Ethel.  We loved Ethel, she is in the prime of her life.   I’ll post pictures of Ethel in a few days. 

We started our drive on Saturday morning, stopped off in Winemucca, NV (where “there is always something going on” according to the 100’s of billboards up to the Hills Have Eyes town) for a bite to eat, slept in Elko, NV, and finished our trip in Lehi, UT, which is where I’m now.  My flight from SLC to CA was cancelled this evening, I’m heading home to the cats tomorrow. 

I would normally be annoyed by the airlines not being able to get their act together, but not this time.  I feel relieved as now I am able to spend time with family.  My mom is taking caree of her a few of her grandkids – my youngest sisters kids. One of them is Bubba, a nephew that is near and dear to my heart. I fell in love with this little guy the minute I met him – named him Bubba myself.  Not because he looked like a fat man who played a part in Deliverance, but because he had the warmest spirit and biggest smile of any little boy I knew.  My heart melted, and Bubba has had a special place in my heart since.

Anyway, due to a family emergency, the boys are are here at Grandma’s.  And tonight, I’m the lucky one – I get to sleep with one of my favorite men of all time – Bubba.  I’m headed to bed soon, he is fast asleep…  so adorable!  I hear he snores and likes to kick….   who doesn’t?!??!

All in all, this is an experience I will remember.  Glad I did it. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.  And who doesn’t like a lady who smiles?