Author: PaulasPonderings

An Interesting Perspective.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Today I went to the D r’s office.  It an office that I’ve been visiting for years, and have come to know the nurses very well.  We often spend 15-20 minutes catching up before and after my appointments.  Last time I was in the office I was in the process of moving out of my “married home” and about to head off to Italy with my best friend.  They wanted to know all about the trip, where I had landed, what I was up to, etc..  

I told them everything.. how great the trip was, where I’ve landed, what I am doing now, how I was feeling, and where I am off to next (Paris)..  they shared with me their life happenings, what they were up to….  buying houses, moving, one just broke up with her boyfriend.   They are both beautiful (and who really doesn’t have a fantasy or two about a beautiful nurse??!?)  .  Anyway, the one I connect with is Russian, forever known as Beatiful Nurse #1, is now divorced with a daughter.  She looks 12 but I’m guessing she is closer to early 30’s.   She asked me, “do you miss him, your life”?  My answer was no.  I shared with her that I didn’t miss him or our life because the last years was a lonely place for me. She couldn’t believe it because she now missed her husband .. I asked why.   She  had been bored in her marriage and they had grown apart, but now that she was dating (actively dating), she missed the stability, the support, the luxury of being able to count on someone (to fall back on them, to depend on them.   It was an intersting perspective, one I hadn’t thought about.

Of course I’ve been thinking about it ever since (over 6 hours now)… is there something to stable and predictable?  I’ve not thought about it because I’ve been so busy thinking about myself, what I wanted/needed, that I didn’t think (or did I, I just dont remember?) about being happy with what I had.  What I wonder is, when I come around, when I decide that I want to have love, be in love, will I regret my decision to “have it all”?  Who knows, but Beautiful Nurse #1 definitely had an interesting perspective…..

My Trials & Tribulations with Utah Liquor Laws.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

So, I just returned from the great state of Utah.  There are so many reasons to love this state and the great city of SLC, including the gorgeous mountains, the friendly people, the clean city, my family, etc…. its all good.

But everytime I go to Utah  (from CA), I forget how to live there.  The hardest part for me is the liquor laws ( I know, BIG surprise)…. they are strange, unnecessary, and IMO, a hinderence to the state success (tourism!!)…   Lets hope they dont get any more strict (although, from what I hear (and need to read up on), hope is not a strategy).

  1. Respect the Sabbath (forcibly).  So, I arrived in the great state on a Sunday night, 8:30 pm.  I had driven to Utah from CA, a 11 hour drive.  I took my suitcase and a few other items upstairs to my condo, then really really wanted a drink, mostly to relax and watch highlights from the SuperBowl (which I missed because I was on the road).   I do know that the liquor store closes at 10pm, so I rushed out the door, hopped in my car, drove to the liquor store (I was sober) to purchase gods nectar (keep in mind that the tempurate is freezing.. thats close or below 32 degrees Fahrenheit)..  I pulled into the empty parking lot…  thinking to myself, wow,  I’ve got the whole place to myself!!   then I realized, it literally just dawned on me, that it was quite possible that the liquor store was not open.  I double checked with the hours sign.. yup, not open at all on Sunday.  I became frustrated with myself.. why didn’t I know this?  My natural instinct was that it would be available to me, but just before 10pm, which even that doesn’t seem reasonable (should’t I be able to purchase a sealed, contained alcoholic beverage at anytime, am I not an adult??)… 
  2. Sticker With My Wine Please.  Soooo.. I took my realtor out to his favorite restaurant for his birthday (he’s 39 again).  Great restaurant.. he brought the wine (hes a thinker!!)…  He did not have a sticker on the wine bottle, so the waitress (a bit young and immature), stated quite loudly, that she couldn’t open the wine because it didnt have a sticker…   Its the dummest law ever – If you want to bring a bottle of wine to any restaurant, it has to have a “Utah Liquor Store” orange sticker on it, otherwise, restaurants can’t  and won’t open it.   So if you want to have a special bottle of wine and it isn’t purchased in Utah, you’d better plan on drinking at home or find a friend with an orange sticker..   I’m looking into it, I’ll let you know what i find out.  Anyway, we (rather he) figured it out —  a sticker was produced and attached to the bottle and all order was restored. 
  3. Brunch – Beer Yes, Mimosa No. O.k. So, my last morning/day in Utah was a tough one. I had a ton of stuff to finish up …  I wanted to take my parents out to brunch before I left… and when they showed up at the condo for brunch, it took us  a whilte to get out of the condo (all due to poor time management on my part). They are saints, they helped me finish up so we could get out when we did (later than expected).  Anyway, I take them to brunch, a nicer establishment, and I order a mimosa.  Seems reasonable, its brunch, long and hectic morning,  11:30am…   After ordering, the waiter came back and shared with me that at 11:30am, he could serve me beer, but not “hard” liquor, such as champagne and orange juice.  I have to tell you, I almost had a meltdown.  I was able to keep it together because a) my parents were there, b) Bubba, my nephew was there (and he adores his aunt “Paula”), and c)  I knew the airport laws were different (if only slightly, at least I knew I could get a cocktail)…

 
All of these examples just scream religious control… that there isn’t the seperation of church and state  that is clearly outlined in the First Amendment…   Its easier to practice poligamy in Utah than to get a cocktail….   which is a completely different topic, one that I’ll write about later…

Anyway, its the pretense that we, citizens and visitors of this great state are “free” to make our own choices and decisions, when in reality, we are not.   Religion rules here, and this is the feeling I do not like, and why, as a non-mormon, I just couldn’t move permenently to the state (I’m sure they are happy to NOT have me)..

In summary, if I spent more time in Utah, I would just know about these little things.. and work around them very easily.. As a visitor I”m learning.. I just put in an “owners closet” in my condo, stocked it full with my favorite beverages just in case I visit during “off hours”.  But as you can see, I assume I have rights, basic rights, and as much as I would like to be accomodating, I just cant, it goes against every fiber of my being (I really really really don’t like to be told what to do).. So, as great as Utah is, I don’t appreciate Big Brother, aka the Mormon Church, looking out for me.

First Purchase of 2009.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

So.. as you all know, one of my 2009 New Years Resolutions is to Not Buy Anything (except for what is on the exception list… ). But Paula’s gone done and purchased something NOT on the pre-approved list.

First, I did go shopping last week. It was all for the condo EXCEPT for one item (or one type of item, but six of them). The condo looks fabulous (its all coming together, I’m so pleased!!), but in my frenzy to make everything ‘perfect’ for the condo, I found and indulged in something for myself.

So what did I buy? Those of you who know me are probably assuming a new pair of shoes… or a cashmere sweater.. nope, not this time. I purchased a matching set of cocktail glasses. They are the perfect size for my favorite drink, “The Carrie”, Grey Goose, Soda, Splash of Cranberry, and a Lime…. The total cost: $6. I will update the 2009 NYR page with this expenditure.

I do understand that I don’t need these glasses. I do have 2 glasses I use now, but my reasoning/excuse for purchasing the new glasses include:

  • Yesterday I only had 2 glasses, which do not match, are of different sizes (some nights I get 8oz, others I get 10oz)..
  • the current glasses are old, worn (they have that white film of over-usage) and too small (see above)
  • the loove new glasses  – they are perfectly sized, hold just the right amount of beverage 

So, thats it… cocktail glasses not on the list, but purchased.. A technically unnecessary item, but one that will get a lot of usage…

Just keeping it honest.

Go Dolphins!

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Dont even ask me how or where I heard/saw/read this… lord only knows … but I learned that Dolphins where the only other animal, besides humans, that have sex for pleasure (vs. procreation).  Of course, when I heard/saw/read this, my OCD kicked in and I:
a) got a huugggeeee smile on my face,
b) had to research the topic, and
c) immediately thought of the ANIRAC bong.

Snopes.com confirms what I heard/saw/read. Article is titled Buried Pleasure (is that classic or what??!?). I love the the description, my favorite line being: “males and females willingly (and regularly) engage in sex even when there is no possibility that offspring will be produced…. “. Wooohoo, go Dolphins!

So, first I find it classic that I heard/saw/read this DURING my stay in Utah, where everyone appears to have a lot of sex because there are a ton of kids. Way to many kids IMO. Hell, going to Wallmart in Utah is like going to a Russian orphanage… the kid to adult ratio is WAY TO HIGH. Kids are like ants in Utah, they are everywhere (and not in a good way)…

Another thought I had was, did the Jamacian artist who created the infamousANIRAC bong create this one-of-a-kind piece for me because he knew, in his very stoned and posssibly inebriated head and heart, that I relate more to the dolphin kind than the Mormon kind?? I will never know, but I would like to think, that on some level, the artist “knew” me… Makes the precious hand-made, one of a kind item on display in my cabinet all that more precious to me….

Its the little things that make life fun and interesting… 😉

No Strings Attached.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Work has been brutal…. we recently had a meeting, a territory review. The best thing I can say about it is that I walked away with my job… no dignity left intact, and no respect for the leadership at my company.  A co-worker and I were commiserating over drinks at the airport… about the meeting, how we felt about it, pondering the next steps…

The job market is tough right now, and I feel both concerned about losing my job and the need to really get away.  I told my co-worker that if i was laid off, I wanted to go on a long-term adventure, and asked him what he recommended.  He preceeded to tell me about two trips he and his 1st wife had taken to Napal.  It opened the door to talk about his 1st wife and their life together…. It was a great trip, he has really fond memories of the trip, and overall of his life with his 1st wife.   I asked him why he married again?  He said he liked that kind of bond, the closeness he had/has found in his marriages.  He then told me that I shouldn’t worry, that I would marry again someday.  I gasped…almost choked on my beverage.  There is no way that I could do THAT again.

Of course (the Paula in me!) that got me thinking about my own Marriage, how I dreamed it would be, how it actually was, and of course, the dissolution of it.  I’m sitting on an airplane now, glass of wine in hand, pondering how it all happened, and why I reacted so strongly against the idea of getting married again. 

My marriage was a good one by most standards, having all the trappings of a good life; two young, successful, financially stable, good looking people finding each other, marrying each other, buying a beautiful house in the burbs, etc..  But as I look back on it, it was a lonely place for me. I spent most of my marriage alone, wishing, wanting, waiting for a “real” partner.

I tell myself all I want is to be with someone that wants to be with me. I dont want a certificate, a kid, obligation of any kind to keep my man around. I want someone to be/stay with me because they are happy there to show up and no other reason.  If they become dissatisfied for any reason and want out, all I ask is that they summon up the courage to tell me they are leaving/want out.  I will gladly help them back their bags.  Its not worth it to me to keep something “together” when both parties aren’t completely and totally into it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of finding a soulmate, someone who truly gets me, and I look forward to the day when I can again experience the bliss that comes with finding the person who loves my quirks ( I have only a few .. 😉  ) and finds me perfectly imperfect.  I am excited and look forward to caring and taking care of another human being.  I’m just saying that if I do ever find this person,  I will hold onto it, enjoy each day for what it is, every moment we have together, because I do believe, there will come a day that I become imperfect to this person and they will want out.  And I want them to know that while we had a good run, if the love is gone, they should be going.  Life is too short to be unhappy.

So, why do I say this?  Because my marriage was a very lonely place for me, and I’m pretty sure it was for the soon-to-be-ex (STBE) as well. I want a relationship filled with passion, intimacy, love, honesty, trust, NOT one that is unfullfilled, obliged to out of guilt, a marriage license, kids, etc.. Here is how this perspective came to be.

  • DREAMS.  I absolutely loved the STBE… feel completely head over heads for him.  I was so enamored with him, he was for me, perfectly imperfect.  He really couldn’t do anything wrong and all I wanted to do was take care of him.

We had some big things come into our lives that shook us up for sure.. work stress, an unexpected live-in experience with a wild teenager, medical issues, etc.  but these are the times when you are supposed to pull together, not apart. And we, given the opportunity to pull together, we couldn’t pull together. We did not lean or count on each other.

  • THE TRUTH.  Looking back on “us”, I dont think he felt the same way about me, but was more mesmerized by the love I showered onto him; having someone fawn over you on a daily basis can be intoxicating (I’m guessing, its never happened to me).  Compound this with his family and friends telling him how great I was (I am fabulous!!).  It’s hard, if not impossible, to keep your head about yourself when someone thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread.  When the eyes you look into every day/night sees a different, better version of you…

I believe quite possibly that the STBE didn’t love me when he married me, and even worse, was unhappy for most of our marriage.  I dont think he will ever have the courage to tell me this, but its what I believe now that I have some clarity and emotional distance from the relationship.

The honeymoon was way over after 6 months of marriage.  I felt like a check-box, like he had a list of things he wanted to do, marriage was one, check, off to the next big thing: triathalons and ironmans.  He disappeared, worked-out a lot, priortizing work and work-outs over time together.  it was a choice he made, and based on where he found happiness. 

  • THE END. My marriage, our marriage, for me, was a very lonely place. When I talked to him about it, he said that my need for and intimacy and connection was my “twin thing” (yes, Paula’s a twin). I thought its what two people shared when they were in touch with their partners, they care for the person they have chosen . He obviously felt differently.

It took a lot of brutal honesty and courage to end my marriage (you guessed it, I’m patting myself on the back, go Paula!!).  You can say that you will do a lot of things to fix it, but it all comes down to actions: are you willing to do anything to have a successful relationship? If the answer is no, then part amicibly, its best for both parties. I do know that I tried absolutely everything to try to get it back on track.  And this is enough for me – I gave it my best shot, my all.

In the end, his actions revealed his true feelings.   He lived with me for years, ambiguous to my presence, pointing out my imperfections, treating me as though I wasn’t as good/smart/athletic as he was. I didn’t see this for a long time, I didn’t want to see it…. but I finally did in April of last year. It was a few really sharp/mean comments from him, the condom in his suitcase after a trip, his non-communicative style; I realized, he was unhappy too, he just didn’t want to admit it or be the “bad guy”. So, I did it, it was hard… but it was absolutely the best thing for the both of us.

So no, I dont ever want to get married again, at least not the kind of married I experienced, its a very lonely place.  I’m happy now, relieved to not be responsible …  happy to be free.  Now, If someone comes along and we experience a true connection, passion, and have a lot of fun together, fabulous… but it will come with brutal honesty and no certificate, it will be over when someone becomes unhappy or disinterested…. It will be a happy place for the both of us, no expectations and no strings attached.

Christmas, Parents, and Porn.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I have a lot to share, and as from the title, theres a little bit for everyone. Get comfortable, its a long story.

 Soo, this year my parents decided to come to CA and spend the holidays with me.   This is the first time in the 13 years I’ve lived in CA that my parents have spent the holidays outside of Utah.  It makes sense – all my other family members have kids…grandkids for them to spoil… in CA, its just me and the cats.   I wanted the trip to be perfect.  That things go smoothly and that they were sufficientlyentertained —  and as one would expect,  things just didn’t go as planned.  Nothing terrible… just not right.

  • The Furnace.  So, as one would expect, the unexpected happened. The furnace stopped working.  It started making a weird sound the night I picked my parents up… I had my dad listen to it… then look at it the following morning.  The motor had “arched”… in laymans terms, this means it stopped working….  As the winds blew and the hail attached the house, we sat, at home, freezing our patooties off.  My parents really wanted to escape the cold of the UT winter storms…. little did they know, they would be bundled up with blankets in a small house in the burbs on a very cold holiday weekend.
  • The Oven.  I now rent a home…and this old home is in original condition, including the ancient stove/oven.  A stove/oven that has been neglected…  When I moved in, I noticed a very strong gas smell. Almost 2 months later, the land-lady took care of it….. all pilot lights have been lit and broken pipes have been repaired. As happy as I am that I did not blow myself up, I was a bit perturbed that I didn’t have enough time to practice cooking with the oven before my holiday entertaining.  Well, the first meal I cooked in the oven was Christmas dinner – a beautiful, organic, AND free-range turkey.  However, I served it in a somewhat raw form BECAUSE the oven temperature is off (I’m guessing about 100 degrees)… And of course, thinking I could make up for it, I turned the tempurature up and burnt the pumpkin pie (over compensation for the turkey)… My mom is taking a picture with me and the stove/oven tomorrow – she still cant believe a ‘modern woman’ could “cook”(if you can call it that) with such an old stove/oven.  I’m just glad they are heading home without a bought of food poisoning.
  • A Movie.  My recommendation to anyone out there that is over the age of 30, DO NOT WATCH Forgetting Sarah Marshall with your parents.  I loved the moved when I watched it the first time – thought it was hysterical, so I specifically ordered it (thank you NetFlix!) so my parents could see it. They like comedies, I though they would get a kick out of it.  HOwever, what I failed to realize the first time I watched the movie is how it is filled with a lot sexual content.  About 15 minutes into the movie, all of us snuggled under blankets (furnace is broken), my mom says, “I feel like I’m watching porn”.  Not a complaint, just a statement.   We continued to watch the movie, and I saw it thru new lenses… and yep,  indeed there is a lot of sex in the movie. Towards the end, during some specific sex scenes, I could not believe I was watching it with my parents (mostly my dad!!!!).. jees.  I wont do that again.

 

But seriously, even with all of this, the visit was a lot of fun. I learned so much about my parents as well as myself, and we’ve grown closer.  We even broached the subject of death and living wills (which I love to talk about… most other people not so much)..

 
I took my parents to the airport yesterday, I was sad to see them go.  We had such a good time getting to know each other, with all the unconditional love a parent has for a child and a child has for a parent, but now, also with the full knowledge appreciation that we are all adults, doing the best we can to get thru life.  And as different as we are, we can all get past the small, unexpected disasters and just have fun together.  I’m actually looking forward to another holiday with them. I think next time my mom will want to do the cooking… 🙂

Innocence Lost.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I’ve gone done broked it.   Paula has gone and done something stupid….

 
So, I’m sitting at home over Thanksgiving weekend, sick as a dog, working on a demo that was not cooperating, and basically feeling sorry for myself.  I had gone as far as I could with the demo – literally sitting at home for 4 days straight (no turkey dinner for me, just instant cup-o-soup (yes folks, thats ramen)), 15 hours a day, trying to get software to behave in ways that it wasn’t designed to do (however it all worked perfectly in my head).  On Sunday, after a 4 day work-weekend, I gave up. I sent out a lengthy email to folks at work, outlining all my troubles and stop-spots, looking for support first thing MOnday morning.

 

It’s Sunday night, 10pm, I’m feeling sorry for myself, so I grab a bottle of wine (I know, BIG surprise), and log onto a website that my friend recommended to me: a sugar daddy website.  I know, I know.. you DO NOT have to tell me what is oh-so-wrong with this picture…

 

Anyway, my girlfriend had told me that a very wealthy friend of hers finds great dates on this site.  So I’m thinking that I would so much rather be on a dance floor with a glass of wine in hand than at home, by myself with software that wasn’t cooperating (as it turns out, the software works, my ideas of how it should work is what is the problem)… I seriously thought to myself, I’m a good looking woman, great sense of humor, fun-loving, good-natured.. why am I busting my ass..?? I need a Sugar Daddy!!

 

I thought to myself, what is wrong with finding someone who also has money?  I married for love and look how that turned out (not so good).  So I thought to myself, I needto be more realistic (instead of niave) about what relationships about…. an exchange. So, I make a list of all the things I have to offer as well as the things I want.  Seemed reasonable…  So I write up what I think is this great profile, how I’m independent, looking for a gentleman with means who wants an intelligent, articulate, fun lady, interested in travel and adventure… blah blah blah.

 

Those of you reading, I’m sure, one of your hands has just slapped your forehead, and you are saying, out loud “ohh no..no no no.., what is wrong with Paula”?   Yes, I agree.  What a mistake.  Yes, I am NOW fully aware of the flaws of my thought process. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the idiot on the planet, and everyone around me is ‘normal’.   But what surprises me, again and again, is my niavete. Why do I always think the best of people, only to be disappointed and/or saddened when people are who they are? 

 

For those of you NOT in the know, the sugar daddy websites are basically for legalized prostitution… men looking to exchange their funds for young ‘ladies’ willing to do whatever it takes for these funds. Probably a great site if you are a woman looking to give goods away for $$… or a sugardaddy with $$ looking to fulfill a fetish or two .  Which is fine, nothing wrong with it.  I however, am/was not looking for that kind of exchange….

 

I was very shocked and troubled by the responses.  And though it makes a great story, I quickly realized that I do not belong on this site.   Although I’m stil not sure what I want a partner (I am enjoying NOT being responsible for a failing relationship/failed marriage), I am pretty clear on what I’m NOT looking for:  a submissive man (apparently my profile screamed dominatrix), a “happily” married man looking for adventure, or basically anyone that would sign up for this site.

 

Life goes on.. Another lesson learned:  find out what the definition of “exchange” is before signing up for anything…..

Having It All.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

So, I spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend thinking (waaayyyy too much IMO).  But for those people who actually think about what they want in their lives (vs. being blissfully happy and unaware of their surroundings…….. which I envy … more about this later), “having it all” is a theme that seems to occupy a lot of my thoughts these days.

 

“Having it all”… what does this mean?  From my experience, it has different meaning for every person – There are probably as many different ‘meanings’ as there are people on this earth….  but, the idea is that people will be able to give love and get love in equal amounts, in ways that they can understand…. and/or balance their work and life.. and/or balance work, personal needs, kids, etc.  …. and have financial security, and have passion…. all this bundled into one happy life.

 

“Having it all”… is it possible?  For me, the answer is yes.  But the history behind this answer goes back to 1994, when one of my favorite movies came out – Shawshank Redemption. For me, “having it all”  means that I make a point to live life fully and completely, that I create my life thru conscious choice.  For me, this means that I won’t be sitting on the sidelines, that I will be out there, living and experiencing life to its absolute fullest.  And by doing this, and only this, will I find the love, passion, excitement, and happiness that I so crave and deserve.
 

 

Now that I’ve decided that “having it all” is possible, what does that mean for me?  It means getting engaged, staying engaged, and be willing, no matter what, to succeed (or fail and picking myself up) in life:

  • To be confident enough to stand alone (when no one will stand with me),
  • To be strong enough to believe (when others tell me to be o.k. with what I’ve got),
  • To be humble in success (when others say how lucky I am .. and I know differently),
  • To move on in failure (even if its just to the closest local Taco Bell)

 

I haved lived this way for 14 years (since 1994), and it has not been easy.  The road has been rocky, chalk full of good (and bad) choices.  But I live without regret – because it takes a lot of energy to live consciously… and I do know, without a doubt, that when I go to my grave, I have done everything to the best of my ability.

 

So how has the idea, this notion of “having it all” effected me?  Immensely and to the core of my being. I want it all – a loving an attentive partner, lifelong friends,  supportive family, passion, security, possibly child(ren),… all the regular trappings that most folks want. Simple pleasures really.   I thought I had this, but it wasnt meant to be.  From the outside it surely looked like I had everything… but it didn’t feel like that on the inside – unfortuntately for me, I couldn’t make my partner love me (all my efforts were futile).  And I learned, the hard way, that the only person I can be is myself, and people will either love it, or not.  Nothing I can do about that except be wiser, smarter, and more aware the next time around.

 

Giving up the comfort of my marriage was the hardest decision I’ve made to date.  My marriage was not bad, and in some respects it was very good: It was safe, it was comfortable.  But it wasn’t loving, it wasn’t connected, it felt distant to me, and this is why I was unhappy.  I’ve had people tell me (all well meaning advice) that I “should just be happy with what I’ve got”… or use it as a stepping stone to get all the things I want (financial stability, a child, etc..).. niether of these choices felt like options to me.  I decided to take my chances to “have it all”.  I am so very aware of what I’ve left behind… what I’ve chosen to let go of for the chance for “something more”.  Why did I do this?  Sometimes I wonder.

 

Every day I ask myself myself why, and pretty much, I come to the same conclusion:  Because what I couldn’t answer, or rather I did answer and didn’t like what I heard/saw/felt was, “what would happen to me, my spirit, my being IF I had stayed for the wrong reasons?”  I know myself and I know I would have died inside… On the outside my life would have looked grand, but I would have been numb inside, going with the flow, unhappy, and truth be told, busy dying (vs. living).   The only person I would have deceived by being complacent was me. 

 

Anyway, life is really hard right now. My sadness has effected every aspect of my life.  BUT, I do realize that I have made the choice to walk down a different path, take the chance, give up what I had, in hopes that I can have/find  “it all”.  Right now, all I hope is that I recover from the heartache, awake from the fog,  and be strong, able, and grateful to actually experience “it all”.  Right now, I am focused on the daily to-do’s such as waking and getting up, engaging in life via friends, work, etc..

 

So, yes, to summarize this very long post, I believe that “having it all” is not only possible, but that I’m closer to “it” than I was before.  But I also realize that I will not truly “have it all” until I fully engage in life (whatever that is … time will tell), choosing awareness, lose my inhibitions, take risks, and get out there and play in this game called life.  And most of important of all, do whatever it takes to live without regret (again).  This to me, is living life fully and completely.

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

So, Back in early 1994 I went on a not-so-great date to the movies…. we saw Shawshank Redemption. The date was nothing to write home about, but the movie, that is another story.   The message of this movie hit me to the core, and has stuck with me to this day — the message I walked away with comes from one line in the movie:  “Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying”.  This line alone jolted me into a world of self-awareness.  That life is a choice, and how I choose to live it is completely, 100% up to me.  That I have no one to blame but myself for anything good or bad in my life.  I am the captain of my ship (master of my domain if you are a Seinfeld fan… ).

 

So, a little background… I had spent many years working as a nanny and was very much looking forward to graduating and landing a ‘real job’.  This was not an easy task given the US economy – we were a few years into a recession (not a depression)… no one was hiring, and you can be certain that no one in Utah was hiring ‘non-mormons’ (tight knit community, more on this later). Not that I wanted to stay in Utah, but being a non-mormon in a mormon community,  It was probably best that I expand my job search outside the great state of UT, which was even more challenging given the economy. 

 

I had no idea what I wanted to do, and no “real” skills in the business world.  To summarize, I was not confident.   But I saw this movie, and it forced me to go after what I wanted… I really got into the job search.. and I landed one of twelve open spots at Andersen Consulting…   I thought i had landed a dream job (until I realized that I was working 80 hours a week for $30K AND living in SF)…   BUT, the point is, I dont know if I would have gotten that job, or even had the confidence and drive to apply and push for it had I not seen the movie.

 

Sooo… there is not a single day that goes by that I dont think about this…this line, “get busy living or get busy dying”, the movie, and it forces me to make a conscious decision on how I want to live my life, where I want to go, and who I want to be. 

 

SIDENOTE:  As I write this, I am now thinking that this movie (and that very bad date) has ruined me… had the date been better I wouldn’t have had to tune into the movie, and I would/could be a coaster.. a person who just cruises thru life, enjoying what I experience, whats given to me, what I’ve experienced, and where I have ended up. I guess it is what it is, and now I’m plagued with consciousness… Damn those bad dates!!

ANIRAC.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

So, it is a Friday night.  Most people are out, enjoying friends, family, cocktails, etc.. I’m home, unpacking what seems like an unending number of boxes…. (I know, very exciting, you dont need to tell me, I’m living it!).

 

I purchased a display case on craigslist.org (what a bargain!!) to hold my most prized possessions, memorabilia, and books.  I’ve tossed out a lot and have only kept what means the most to me:

  •  books that have impacted me, have caused me to stop and think, and/or moved me to change my behavior. 
  • items that remind me of times I’ve enjoyed with family or friends… pictures, keepsakes, and the like. 

 

This new cabinet is THE ONLY place I will use to store and display my most prized posessions, and its small – 6ft tall x 3 ft wide x 1 ft deep.  I have deciced to become a minimalist (I do not want to move stuff that doesn’t mean something to me), so I am limiting myself to this space to store all things “Paula”.  

 

But those of you who know me, that have had the joy of traveling with me, will appreciate this.  I have found, and is now is proudly on display… The ANIRAC Bong. 

 

Thats right friends, I found the bong that was custom made for me. It is truly one-of-a-kind.  It is a piece of Jamaican beach driftwood that was carved into a 10 inch dolphin by a very high Jamaican local.  The carving, a dolphin with one flipper fin shorter than the other (to be expected given the artists state of mind).   It has a special cavity for the Jamaica Green, and a long ‘pipe’ for inhaling.  The most special thing about it — the artist thought to carve my name into it backwards so that I could see my name when I’m smoking in front of a mirror (because really, dont we all smoke in front of a mirror?)..   It truly is a site to behold… Not only is the item one-of-a-kind, the story of this item and how it came to be is a true classic.   Its gorgeous – in all is imperfectness, its really top-notch.  

 

So now, in my display case, is my dolphin bong, with ‘ANIRAC’ proudly reflecting back at me.  I can see it clearly… its so charming.  Finding this treasure has made my night and I KNOW that seeing this piece of art is going to lift my mood every time I see it and its reflection in the display cabinet.

 

Simple needs, simple pleasures… life is grand.

🙂