Innocence Lost.

I’ve gone done broked it.   Paula has gone and done something stupid….

So, I’m sitting at home over Thanksgiving weekend, sick as a dog, working on a demo that was not cooperating, and basically feeling sorry for myself.  I had gone as far as I could with the demo – literally sitting at home for 4 days straight (no turkey dinner for me, just instant cup-o-soup (yes folks, thats ramen)), 15 hours a day, trying to get software to behave in ways that it wasn’t designed to do (however it all worked perfectly in my head).  On Sunday, after a 4 day work-weekend, I gave up. I sent out a lengthy email to folks at work, outlining all my troubles and stop-spots, looking for support first thing MOnday morning.


It’s Sunday night, 10pm, I’m feeling sorry for myself, so I grab a bottle of wine (I know, BIG surprise), and log onto a website that my friend recommended to me: a sugar daddy website.  I know, I know.. you DO NOT have to tell me what is oh-so-wrong with this picture…


Anyway, my girlfriend had told me that a very wealthy friend of hers finds great dates on this site.  So I’m thinking that I would so much rather be on a dance floor with a glass of wine in hand than at home, by myself with software that wasn’t cooperating (as it turns out, the software works, my ideas of how it should work is what is the problem)… I seriously thought to myself, I’m a good looking woman, great sense of humor, fun-loving, good-natured.. why am I busting my ass..?? I need a Sugar Daddy!!


I thought to myself, what is wrong with finding someone who also has money?  I married for love and look how that turned out (not so good).  So I thought to myself, I needto be more realistic (instead of niave) about what relationships about…. an exchange. So, I make a list of all the things I have to offer as well as the things I want.  Seemed reasonable…  So I write up what I think is this great profile, how I’m independent, looking for a gentleman with means who wants an intelligent, articulate, fun lady, interested in travel and adventure… blah blah blah.


Those of you reading, I’m sure, one of your hands has just slapped your forehead, and you are saying, out loud “ohh no no.., what is wrong with Paula”?   Yes, I agree.  What a mistake.  Yes, I am NOW fully aware of the flaws of my thought process. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the idiot on the planet, and everyone around me is ‘normal’.   But what surprises me, again and again, is my niavete. Why do I always think the best of people, only to be disappointed and/or saddened when people are who they are? 


For those of you NOT in the know, the sugar daddy websites are basically for legalized prostitution… men looking to exchange their funds for young ‘ladies’ willing to do whatever it takes for these funds. Probably a great site if you are a woman looking to give goods away for $$… or a sugardaddy with $$ looking to fulfill a fetish or two .  Which is fine, nothing wrong with it.  I however, am/was not looking for that kind of exchange….


I was very shocked and troubled by the responses.  And though it makes a great story, I quickly realized that I do not belong on this site.   Although I’m stil not sure what I want a partner (I am enjoying NOT being responsible for a failing relationship/failed marriage), I am pretty clear on what I’m NOT looking for:  a submissive man (apparently my profile screamed dominatrix), a “happily” married man looking for adventure, or basically anyone that would sign up for this site.


Life goes on.. Another lesson learned:  find out what the definition of “exchange” is before signing up for anything…..

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