Thoughts & Experiences

Decorators Envy.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

mcmansionI’m in Utah.  I had a few customers to visit late this week, and decided to stay the weekend and stay with family.  I’m now staying with AbFab and her two awesome kids Mayonnaise and Shahnaynay.  4 and 6 now, 5 and 7 in very short order. My twin also came up for the evening, and she looks awesome.  I got a few pictures of us together, which is a rarity for us.

Since I’ve last talked about AbFab, she has gotten divorced from the kids’ father and has since remarried to a great guy. I’ll call him RoadRage for now… he is a very nice calm person, RoadRage is a great name for him as its opposite of the personality I’ve seen of him.

Anyway, they now live in a 5800 square foot home.  Its GORGEOUS. I love it.  It’s not the size that I love, it’s the dream of decorating and making a home.  It’s turning each room into a masterpiece, with color, with furniture, with flare. I can see why rich people keep buying new homes even though the ones they already have are Martha Stewart perfect.

On a personal front, I’ve been sick lately – a combo of allergies and a head cold.  I took a long nap today, it was good for me. I feel much better. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m cooking dinner for the kids and my family…. Its going to be gluten-free (my new diet) but delicious.  I love to cook, it’s nice to cook for others.

O.k. so that’s it.  Not much tonight, but a little bit of something.  Which is what I’d love to see/read from Grey Goose…  hint hint GG, give me something!

Spending A Few Nights In.

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2013_03_Sophie_and_ZoeyI FINALLY heard from FreeBird.  I sent her a few emails AND actually left a VM (I hate voicemail and recorded messages in general) for her to no avail.  I was so worried about her!  Now I know that she is not only O.K., but she is fabulous!  Life is changing for her, for the better, and she is going to be moving closer to me… since it’s all about me, how fabulous is this?!?  I will be seeing her soon, possibly next Friday.

I’ve also spent the last few nights in. With myself.  I should have worked both nights, or unpacked, done laundry, cleaned the house, etc., but instead I sautéed some veggies, made some cupcakes, drank a lot of wine, watched a season of Mad Men, and now finishing up a season of Parks And Recreation.  Tonight’s going to be a late night as I can’t procrastinate any longer – I have a lot of status reports due to my management by noon tomorrow.

A few thoughts that have run through my head:

  • I went to lunch today with my colleagues and asked the waitress about the treatment of the farm animals that are now meat on their menu. I asked in a nice way, but yes, I’m still on my non-violence to farm animals kick.  My stomach still turns thinking about what the chicks, pigs, and cows endure.
  • I think I’m over my jet lag.  Got up at 8am this morning and heading to bed soon.
  • Since my new diet (sans meat) and dairy (I hate milk but I love yogurt and cheese),  I’ve not had any stomach issues.

Another thought that is constantly on my mind –  Money and Relationships.  The furniture in my current cottage was purchased at yard sales or on Craigslist. The entire living room cost me $170. Why was I so frugal?  Because I was $3000 dollars away from being homeless.  If I had lost my job in Nov. ’13, I would have been living on C-Licious’ couch.  If I hadn’t rented out my house OR my condo in Utah, I’m sure one, or both of these places would be in foreclosure right now.   I feel super lucky to have survived.  Things have improved for me in the sense that I have more of a cash cushion now (not much, but more) but I still worry sick about it.  All the time. Every minute of every day.  I will be working and all of a sudden I will have a panic attack about it.  I’m done with this level of stress.  This is why my major NYR this year is to get as debt-free as possible.  I plan to pay off all my debt and sell all my non-CA properties so that all I have is my CA home mortgage.  That way if I ever get in a bad place again, I’ll be able to handle it on my current salary.  Once I get rid of the debt, I’m back to my saving ways.

For those of you who don’t know, I purchased and remodeled the house of my dreams. It’s on a big lot, or what is considered a big lot in Northern CA.  I have so many dreams, so many plans….. I  love this house.  BUT I don’t live there. I rent it out. I live in a tiny 1 bedroom cottage at the back of a small cottage.  It’s a converted garage.  Makes me want to convert my garage to a studio/1 bedroom… which I will do after I a) get debt free, and b) have a large cash cushion.

So where is this story going?  ATrain offered to buy me a couch and I took him up on it.  Just as I’m trying to make a break, to get some space from him and our relationship, he offers to make my life a little bit easier, and I wasn’t able to say no.  My current couch needs to be re-upholstered – it needs new cushions and fabric. Its cheaper to re-upholster the current couch than a buy a new couch, but I can afford neither.  ATrain gave me money for a new couch (he doesn’t like the old couch).  I officially ordered the new couch yesterday. It will be here in 3 weeks. It’s exactly what I want –  a couch with chaise in the exact color I want.  I’ve never had exactly what I wanted before… I’m giddy with excitement, but at the same time I’m stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations that I think it will bring.  I do plan to resell all my living room furniture to help pay for the couch, but even if I break even, its pennies on the dollar compared to the cost of my new couch.

O.k. enough procrastination.  I’ve got to get my status reports done. I’ll get it done.  AND I do have a date tomorrow, with my girlfriend Hannah – we are going to a charity event, set up and paid for by ATrain, but still, it’s an opportunity to get dressed up and go out!  I’ll take pictures and share what I can…

Moral of the story – even while sitting at home I can find plenty to do that doesn’t include work or housecleaning. 😉

Perception is Reality.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

sun_through_clouds_2560x1600Like I know what reality is.  I know what my world is like…  I’ve been busy dealing with my stuff and planning/executing my trip to Australia.  I think I understand what other people’s worlds’ look like….

My stuff… what is that? I’ve moved, shifted the life I wanted but wasn’t real in order to better my future life.  I’ve been feeling morose about the changes, and trying to adjusting to my new life.  I’ve made some major adjustments, the most notable is that I moved out of my house and am now living in a small 1 bedroom cottage, otherwise known as a converted garage apartment.  The loss of “my life” includes the loss of the things I love, the space I love. These changes are essential to me getting back on track financially.  I now have to admit it, I’m depressed about this move.

I now recognize that I’ve been avoiding my situation… and thought I was handling it well.  But this is not the case, not only have I not handled it, its effecting my work.  My manager asked me today if something was wrong, something significant like cancer.  Why? Because I’m not as engaged (dedicated, committed, passionate) as I need to be.  She wasn’t telling me because I’m in trouble, she asked me from sheer concern.  I love this woman, she has busted her ass to “prove herself”, but in reality, she is the best leader at my current company.  When I grow up I want to be just like her. She is amazing, and I appreciate her concern.

I’m surprised it took me so long to recognize/admit my situation.  I fell into the abyss before (during and slightly after) my divorce.  My doctor gave me some pills to help me deal with it, which was fabulous.  I know that there are pills that will help me pull out of my current funk, and my doctor will prescribe them, but I don’t want to use pills this time.  I think this is just part of life – to feel the highs, you have to feel the lows.  I just happen to be experiencing a low period. Just kidding, funny aren’t I??? I think so.   I’d love to have drug to cover this up, but there isn’t one.

Anyway, I now realize that not only HAVE I NOT BEEN hiding/handling it all that well.  I put it off my feelings because I have been dealing with the enormity of “my reality”, which were these life changes that I’m not happy about making.  But the situation is real, I’ve already made the changes, so I need to get over it.  So what does this mean to me? I need to get off my lazy ass and get with a program.  Wake up, drink a plant-based breakfast to get new energy, start exercising, and in general, get my shit together.

Tonight is the night – that I’m not doing anything, once again.  but tomorrow, I need to live my New Year’s Resolutions.  God damn, its March already, it’s time I get my shit together right?  I’m going to drink a plant-based drink for energy, eating more veggies for health, and drink wine for sanity, and in all of this, lose the 20 pounds I need to lose for my Yacht Body!!   Tomorrow I’ll figure out exactly how I’m going to execute on my plan.

For the Love Of Animals.

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FactoryFarmingPhaseOut

I’m back in the USA. Arrived home, safe and sound, on Thursday afternoon, but just now adjusting back into the US Pacific timezone.  I had a fantastic trip – successful from a work front, and extremely successful on a fun/friend front.

  • I reconnected with a bestie – I was able to hang out with Smiles, one of my best girlfriends ever.  She was my partner in crime may years ago.  She was the reason for one of my greatest trips of all time – my trip to Australia (and to Hamilton Island) in 1996.  I know, a lifetime ago, but at the same time, unforgettable.
  • I connected with a new bestie – Sporty Spice. I was able to get to know her before she started her world travels, but I was lucky enough spend more time with her down under.  I love me some Sporty Spice!  She is so funny, so insightful, creative, interesting.  I can’t wait for more time together!

I know, I know, I’ve already said all of this. But it was a great trip, it felt too short, I would have loved to stay longer, and I look forward to my return trip in April.

What I’ve not shared is my current obsession with health. I know I said in my Yacht Body post that I’m going to go the no-alcohol route, but that was before watching 3 movies on juicing and vegetarianism.

  • Vegucated – great documentary on 3 meat and cheese loving individuals take a 6 week vegan challenge.  Also showed some shocking videos of slaughterhouses and compelling facts about farm animal cruelty.
  • Fat Sick and Nearly Dead – amazing documentary (available on the website, Netfix, and Hulu) on the lifestyle and medical transformation attributed to juicing.
  • Food Matters – medical experts weigh in on the lack of nutrition and natural healing education and support in the medical community as well as the growing dependence on pharmaceutical drugs (which I personally love) and expensive medical treatments.  What I learned is that there are many alternative therapies available, the easiest of which is choosing healthier foods to put in your body – “You are what you eat”.

After watching these documentaries, I truly believe that alcohol is the least of my concerns.  I need to be focused on a plant-based diet… not only for my health but to also save animals from undue torture (be careful, I got about 30 seconds through the video and couldn’t go any further).  I do have an appointment with an allergist to figure out my stomach issues.  I’ve met with my doctor to review my medications (I take sleeping pills, constipation, and pills to help manage my recurring panic attacks).

I can say, that I’m honestly sick to my stomach about the farm animal cruelty right now.  I think that I can get my Yacht Body AND contribute to making a difference in an animal’s life (Alicia Silverstone is a spokes person for Farm Sanctuary in the US and even Aussies have their own sanctuary anyone want to do a volunteer stint with me?). If I could save all the animals I would – they deserve better than to be created solely for the purpose of consumption IMO.  Anyone who knows of a farm that saves animals, please post it to comments.  I’d love to see how many active sanctuaries we can provide links to on this blog.

With my new-found purpose, I am going to focus on living a healthier life and saving the animals, one diet (mine) at a time.  I will post my weight loss, blood pressure, and bad cholesterol test results when I get them.  If I don’t show significant progress by April 1st, then I have 1 more month to cut out alcohol and anything else necessary. I WILL HAVE my Yacht Body by early May…  Please provide any advice, links to education recourses, or vegetarian recipes… I’ll take it.

Yacht Body Here I Come.

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Yacht-bodyMy goal is to have a “Yacht Body” by May.  Why May? Its my birthday month sillies!  And I want to go on vacation, on a yacht, somewhere warm.

Why a Yacht Body? Somebody has to make the yacht look good! That somebody is going to be me.  This is one of my 2014 New Years Resolutions  (which I have yet to post) – to get fit, lose weight, and rid myself forever of my barrel body.  My goal is to get healthy, get active, and get yachting!   My unrealistic goal is to lose 20 pounds by my birthday.

I’m in Australia right now, my last night in this fabulous country.  I fly home tomorrow.  And on Saturday, March 1st, my Yacht Body regimen begins. So far I’ve got the following set up:

  • an appointment with an allergist to figure out what causes my stomach inflammations
  • a weekly Yoga class on Tuesday Nights
  • a full month of Fat Blast classes 2-3x a week – times TBD (I want evening to keep me from drinking, morning classes may be my only option)
  • Zero alcohol

I do plan on staying home most of the month as I get grumpy without my vodka or wine.  But this is really important to me. I feel like the source of my confidence issues from my short and round stature, my barrel body…  its stops me from going all out, it holds me back.  I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore, so I’m going to do something about it.  Just like I did with my GM Diet, I will blog about my progress.  I’m expecting significant results, largely because of the zero alcohol and the changes I make based on the results of my allergy tests.   This has been a long time coming, I’m glad I’m doing something.

So now I’ve put it out there – so I have to do it right?  You will all keep me honest, right?

And if you have ideas or suggestions on how to stay motivated or want to share how you lost weight, please do so. I’m looking for your help!

Indian in Chinatown.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

apple-amongst-orangesYep. I have found and am eating at the only Non-Chinese restaurant in Melbourne’s Chinatown district.  Well, to be fair, it is the only Non-Chinese, Non-American establishment within 2 blocks of my hotel in the Melbourne Chinatown district.  And its a Sunday night, and there isn’t much open on a Sunday night.

I find this choice much like the choices I’ve made while on my life’s journey – against the grain.  I have opted to NOT eat at the 1000 Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, noodle houses, etc. near me.  I’ve picked the one Indian restaurant around – Jaisalmer Palace.  The food – delicious. I would definitely come here again, what a find!  But the bigger question – Why do I pick the one place that isn’t “normal”?  Whatever causes this type of thinking, I was born with it.  But enough about me, let’s talk about me!  Just kidding (sort of).  Let’s talk about my day/weekend.

  • First, I am in fucking Melbourne Australia!  Yes, that’s right, Melbourne. Only one of the best cities on this planet.  It’s San Francisco, but better (nicer people, generally happier people, less ego driven, more relaxed, etc..). It’s like Italy, but better (it actually has a sustainable and growing economy)..  would I move here? In a heart beat!
  • And one of my very dearest, best friends lives here. Lets call her Smiles from now on, because she has one of the best smiles ever. Its taken me 10+ years to get back to Melbourne and be in her presence. Seeing her for the first time, again, it was like no time had passed, It’s like we haven’t skipped a beat. Catching up with her, our lives, and visiting with her family makes me feel truly alive and lucky.  Last time I was in Australia, I visited with Smiles and her immediate family (mum, dad, sisters, etc)  and had more fun than any one person should have in a lifetime, let alone 2+ weeks.  10 years later, we are both in very different places, and we are still as connected.  She shared her life openly.  We were swinging singles back then (not really, single yes, swinging, no).   She now shares her life with a handsome Aussie and 2 kids..   Spending the day with her and her family made me feel so lucky – I’ve done something right because someone I love to the end of this earth just shared a day in her life with me without reservation.  How lucky am I??
  • AND (I know, it gets even better!!) one of my newest besties is ALSO living in Melbourne.  I got to catch up with her, introduce her and her hubby to Smiles, and who knows… maybe another connection made.

This weekend, for me, is what life is what MY life is all about.  Connecting with people who I love dearly.  I know I don’t have kids, and I will not carry on the typical “legacy”, but that is o.k..  I live, I love, and I feel loved.  And being in this space, where I love openly, where I feel loved, isn’t that what life is about?  Taking care of those we cherish?  Knowing who to cherish and why?  I spent what felt like a lifetime in a marriage with someone who didn’t love me – didn’t truly love my quirkiness… and it took its toll on me. I bring it up now only because it’s taken me 5+ years to close this insecurity.  I have fewer and fewer why didn’t it work” moments (not just with the Ex but with My Mr. Big, Mr. Showtime, and the like, which you can catch up on by reading The Roster (which I will update soon enough)) and more and more “here we go” hands-up-in-the-air roller coaster moments.

So, while trying not to be philosophical, life has been a roller coaster and I’ve often felt out-of-place.  But today, this weekend, while sitting in this Indian restaurant 15000 mile away in a city I love because its near a bestie, I realize, I’m in exactly the right place for me.  Which is the path that 99% of the people would NOT take. I get that, and I’m learning to be o.k. with it.  And more and more I’m better than o.k. with it, I’m LUCKY to have had this path.  Definitely not what I pictured for myself, but truly lucky to have experienced it thus far.

O.k. now I need to leave this restaurant, go back to the hotel, and get ready for work tomorrow.  There are a few other things I want to write about – such as saving a super drunk girl from herself last night (my first night with an Aussie wink wink was not what you would ever guess/think), the Melbourne lights night that was super crowded, to meeting strangers at the Exec Lounges (and I love it!!). So many stories, so little time!

Behaving Badly Down Under.

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New Besties from Western Australia
New Besties from Western Australia

So, WTF?  I am shaking it up down here in Australia….

First, I met a couple that I LOVE, that I am definitely going to keep in contact with.  I sat with them for breakfast and dinners for 3 days – they are an amazing fun couple.  We stayed in the Executive Lounge all night 2 nights in a row just talking and drinking…  It was so much fun I forgot to eat dinner 2 days in a row!  Margaret wants to take Errol to Italy, so we have made plans to vacation in Italy in September 2015.  I’ve signed myself up to plan this 2015 Italy vacation, and everyone is welcome.  We will be spending a week at a castle in the Umbria region, then another week on the Amalfi Coast… give or take a few weeks/months/years depending on my work, boyfriend, or marriage situation.  😉  The picture I’ve attached is of my new besties!

Second, I went out with the local sales guy yesterday, On Tuesday…. too yummy.  It took everything I had in me to behave appropriately.  He is handsome, down to earth, very attractive, fun, …. but he has his own set of distractions – he does have a girlfriend, and ex-wife, and a child..  I went home alone, but don’t think his luscious gorgeous face and thick accent was easy to leave behind.  Good thing for him that has a Niami Watts girlfriend type around to keep him happy.  Now I just have to find my Liev…

Went to a client site on Wednesday then spent most of the evening catching up on other work.  Another Hotel guest asked me to join him for dinner and I did. It was fun to not eat alone. He is from Connecticut, recently retired, and on his way to spend 2 months in New Zealand… I look forward to hearing about his adventure when he returns.

So that’s it. Nothing really “Bad” per say, but certainly not my regular routine.  Feels good to shake it up a bit.  And I love Sydney and the Australians in general. What a super nice bunch of folks.  Must be something in the water…

One last question – the girl I sat next to on the airplane.  I want to be  her friend.  She hasn’t reached out to me but I found her on Facebook. Is it too “stalkerish” to friend her?  If I do that she will know I had to find her – as she only gave me her name, no contact info.  Please advise.

10 Days in Australia.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

14_02_19_SydneyClosetHello from down under! I just arrived in Sydney Australia. The trip was FANTASTIC- thank you Virgin Australia, Xanax and Ambien. I woke up, had breakfast on the plane, watched Shawshank Redemption, deplaned, went through security, picked up my luggage, and took the train to my hotel.  I’m all checked in (the room doesn’t have a bathtub??!?  What is going on with hotel rooms without bathtubs??).

I’m out of the country for 10 days.  I’m in Sydney for 5 days visiting with Customers. Then off to Melbourne to visit with more Customers. In between these weeks, I will be spending the weekend in Melbourne, catching up with two close friends. I’m soooo looking forward to it.

I packed one carry on bag for the 10 days.  I’ve attached a picture of all the clothing I brought with me for this 10 day trip. I’m super proud of myself for picking comfortable easy pieces that I can mix and match. I’ve been meaning to reduce my wardrobe, I can’t wait until I lose weight and I can get rid of it all EXCEPT for the cashmere.  🙂

I also sat next to this very cool girl on my way here. We are going to connect via email and the next time I’m in Sydney we are going to get together. She is 10 years my junior but very wise. She has lived a great life thus far… I will share her blog with you once I get the info.  I don’t want to give away her name just in case she too writes under an assumed name.

It’s raining here. The locals tell  me it’s about time – they haven’t had rain for a long time.  I wanted to go to the beach, I’ve never been to a Sydney beach, but alas, it is a to-do for another day.  So instead I went shopping.  Really just browsing and people watching.  I wanted to see what everyone is wearing, interact with the locals, etc.. I did purchase a coat, which I need for the week. It’s a casual business jacket.. I’ll wear it every day and beyond. Not cheap, but a good piece.

Now I’m in the Executive lounge having a glass of wine and posting this message.  I’m super excited about being here, being on this adventure, this journey. I need this time away from my regular life to figure things out. I cannot believe that I’m 42, cash poor, living in a persons garage apartment… at 42 I’m starting over. Why do I do this to myself? And what do I need to do to define a right path and stay on it. I saw this book at the airport and I didn’t buy it – http://www.amazon.com/dp/1583335080 – I didn’t want to carry it and thought it would be available at the next airport.. it wasn’t. Now I must have it.  Do I order it on Amazon and wait until I get home to read it? I feel like it would be such a great book for me to be reading NOW.

I’ll try to post every day – I know that I have a lot on my mind, it would be super helpful to have your support and guidance while on this journey!

I’m Back. Again.

PaulasPonderings9 Comments

Raccoon_twinsNow I realize I’ve said this before, then disappeared again, but I have made it a New Years resolution to post more.  And by “post more” I mean that my posts won’t be so thought provoking, insightful, humorous, well-formed.  What there will be is more of them – I think its called quantity over quality.. Walmart style.

Anyway, I do need to post all my New Year’s resolutions so you can keep me honest, but I’ve run out of wine – first time in god, 10 years?

My funny comment/post for tonight was this:  I just saw 2 raccoons in the backyard.  I jumped out of my chair, opened the patio door, and yelled screeched at the top of my lungs “eeeeahhhhhoowwww”. Really loud. Four times.  Raccoons ran away. As fast as they could. I heard them scurry up the fence.  They are long gone, but my  cats are still freaked out – not because of the raccoons, they didn’t even see them.  Because of me – everything was fine, they were sleeping.. then their mom spun out of control.  Just made me realize how obnoxious I really am.

So what’s happened since my last post, where I needed a new life?  I’ve done it.  I now have the beginnings of a new life.  In the last 3 months, I no longer live with A-Train, I’ve rented out my awesome house,  and I’ve moved into a tiny 1-bedroom cottage. Why? To get back on track financially and spend some time alone to focus directly on myself and my happiness.  And in searching for the URL’s for above, I came across this post – Who Am I?  It’s hard to fathom that I’ve been lost for almost a year.  Good thing I have this blog to keep me honest. 😉

Anyway, another year of “The Paula” is here.  I’ve used, once again, my New Years resolutions to shift my focus, to change my life.  Every year is a new opportunity to be a better person….  so here I am, working on me again.

New Life Needed.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Sorry. No pictures today. Bummer as I always like to add pictures.

I took a sick day today.  I couldn’t get out of bed today.  The gravity of my life situation has hit me squarely in the face and heart. Plus I hate the holidays.  Yes, I’m a grinch. I love to burl myself a little next during the holidays and let only a few, quality folks in.   I’ll share my grinchy-ness with you, everyone needs a Holiday grinch – how else would you know what the holiday is about for you?

Anyway, I missed my team call today.  Why do you ask?  Because I was in bed, recovering from a long night AND having a Poor Paula moment.

I had a doozy of a night. And while this will bring thoughts of me, out partying with my friends, meeting handsome men and having copious amount of sex with them, it was not one of those nights.  My boyfriend, the A-Train and his son were arrested at the airport.  I picked them up from the airport police station (who knew all airports have one of these?!)  ..This is a story I will tell in detail in the next few days (I know you can hardly stand it!!?!?).
In addition to not getting home until 2am, I had both the runs and the dry heaves, which I managed to get by eating bad leftovers.  A mixup at home BECAUSE I always order the same damn thing – eggplant chicken, medium spicy.   So I couldn’t tell the leftovers from last week from the leftovers from last week.  A mean that I will not be getting again for a while.   Do not ask me how I managed to “spill” on the floor, I feel like its one of the great wonders of the world right now.
And now I’m on the couch, working, trying to get my work done, and I have let one of my cats (yes I have two, I did consider calling this blog “The Crazy Single 2-Cat Lady” or some such name) out no less than 37 times in the last 2 hours.  She is driving me crazy… I need a kitty door.

Or a new life.  Calgon take me away (if there is anyone else out there that remembers the Calgon commercials from yester-year).