The first break-in: Chandler AZ house — Sept. 7 2022
Police at my house in Chandler AZ on Sept. 7th 2022
Trash and I broke up on August 24th when I found out he was living with his new girlfriend (How I Became the Ex ). I had no idea that this was not going to be a “normal breakup”.
As you all know, I told Trash to never contact me again. I could not go no contact at this time because we needed to work through getting his stuff out of my house (story coming soon) and the Mexico condo he is trying to steal from me: Do NOT mingle finances with anyone. You will regret it.
I told him to stay away from me. That I wanted NOTHING to do with him. He didn’t listen. He kept coming to the Chandler AZ house and letting himself in. I was not going to live in fear.
So while I was in Mexico over Labor Day weekend (early September 2022) collecting my things from the house we shared in Mexico (Costa Diamante, Puerto Penasco), I hired a locksmith to change all the locks in Chandler AZ. Sept. 6th 2022 they showed up and changed all the locks. All I wanted to do was come home and prepare for my trip to Italy. I thought that if I did this, then I would be safe — I could return home, lock myself in, and not have him barging in unannounced. I could not have been more wrong about the situation.
One of the very few times I reached out to Trash first was this exchange — I just wanted him to know where to find his dog Baxter (story for another time). Instead of taking responsibility for his dog, he broke into my house — This is WhatsApp exchange with Trash on Sept. 7th 2022 — TD is the left side / grey, I am the right side / green:
To say I felt terrorized and violated is an understatement. I was shaking with fear, with anger…. He broke into my house and was squatting there. God only knows why. I called the Chandler police to have him arrested for trespassing (Chandler Police report 22–103692). He told the police he had a lease. Officer Swansen called me back and told me my only recourse was to evict him. So I did: The Eviction Process .
After a 6 week adventure through the court system, I was able to evict him. I was finally able to get back into my house on Oct. 17th 2022. He had indeed gotten in via the garage then broke through the door between the garage and house.
The break-in, the eviction judgement, and this WhatsApp exchange is part of the evidence that my Order of Protection was granted/upheld: Order of Protection Was Upheld .
This person, who had been cheating on me since BEFORE we left Mexico (and I’ve learned that he was cheating the entire duration of our relationship), and who clearly had moved on, was unhinged. I knew the violence he capable of — for months I had listened to him beat his son mercilessly (story to come). I knew his rage, and I knew he was capable of causing great harm.
Learning that the Chandler police would/could do nothing…. My heart was racing, I did not know what to do…. I knew I was not safe in the USA. I cried, I got mad at myself for being such a fool, for being so naive…. Then I drank some wine and made some decisions:
I needed to stay in Mexico with my friends. I had zero friends in Chandler/Phoenix. And the police could do nothing to protect me.
I cancelled my trip to Italy and visit with my parents (I was scheduled to leave Sept. 11th 2022).
I began searching for attorneys in the Chandler/Phoenix area. The one I found told me I was in danger and advised strongly that I not come back to the USA for any reason.
Thank god, at this point, from a work perspective, I had two weeks scheduled vacation. This gave me time to deal with this. I thought that two weeks was enough time. I was so so so wrong.
I was terrified. I had no idea what could or would happen. I have NEVER felt more unsafe and alone in my life. Ever. But it was about to get much worse as my no contact would enrage him so much that a week later he drove down to Mexico and broke into my condo: Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #2 .
I have no lessons learned on this one. Just be careful out there.
Hundreds of calls and WhatsApp messages to “talk” it out
and now this …
I believed Trash to be unhinged, delusional, unstable.
After the Sept. 7th break-in, my AZ attorney recommended strongly that I NOT return to the States. He stated that I would ONLY be safe after the eviction process was complete (The Eviction Process) and I had an Order of Protection in place (Order of Protection Was Upheld)
So, I took his advice, cancelled my travel plans, and became a shut-in in my MX condo starting Sept. 7th 2022. I knew that Trash was due back in Mexico at some point in time, I just didn’t know when. And given his past behavior, I had no idea what he would do when he showed up. Since I could no longer trust or predict Trash’s behavior/actions, I made the decision to hire a body guard to stay with me.
I interviewed 3 body guards and selected Cesar. Cesar is a big dude that is an amateur MMA fighter. I chose him because he was all about de-escalation, not violence. Trash had enough rage in him and I didn’t think more ego/rage is what was needed in this situation.
I shared the situation with Cesar — that I was scared of my ex. That he was unpredictable, erratic, and that anything could happen. He stayed in the guest room every night from Sept. 8th 2022 forward. He spoke english well enough that we were able to communicate. It was awkward at first, having a stranger stay in my condo while I was going through this traumatic life event — I was scared, devastated, and now in fear of my life. Cesar was very kind. We did our own thing for the most part (I cried in my room, he played games on his phone), we watched a few movies together (I put the movies on Spanish audio with english subtitles)… we were doing our best to figure out how to share a space during this awkward time.
The First Attack at 6:15pm
All was going well until Sept. 13th at 6:15pm. Cesar and I were watching a movie and all of a sudden Trash crashed through the door. Within seconds, Trash had disabled and removed the Schlage lock from the door. Both Cesar and I were shocked…. We were watching a movie one minute, and the very next moment TD is in the condo screaming at Cesar and I to get out of “his” condo.
What happened next is so surreal — I still cannot believe it happened. I’m still traumatized by the experience. Remembering it gives me PTSD — I have never felt this much fear. Those of you that know me know I speak of death like — “when it’s my time, it’s my time”.. .I seriously thought this was my time — I was sure that if TD got past Cesar that he would throw me off the balcony (Condo is on the 5th floor)…
So when Trash entered the condo and saw Cesar, he became enraged. He was beside himself that there was another man in the condo — he was screaming, swearing — in a full rage. He began pushing Cesar around trying to get Cesar to hit him. Cesar stood there, with his arms crossed against his body, blocking him from getting past the kitchen. I raced to the balcony and called the police as advised by my MX attorney. I called 911 emergency number FOUR times. I was shaking with fear — my heart was beating so fast. I reached out to my friends and MX attorney on WhatsApp begging for help. I felt so helpless…. there was a monster in my house and I couldn’t get the help I desperately needed. This is the most scared I have ever felt in my life. Here is the WhatsApp to my friend an MX attorney:
While I was on the balcony I could hear things escalating inside between TD and Cesar. I went inside and told Trash to get out of the condo. Over and over again, dozens of times, I stated, “get out of my condo, you are not welcome here”, “get out, I do not want to see you, we have NOTHING to talk about”. “GET OUT and leave me alone”. Trash was enraged — screaming and yelling — telling me that I can’t “steal his condo”; that he was going to have Cesar and myself “taken out by the Goana brothers”. Cesar refrained from responding to Trash’s words and physical assaults and was able to finally push him out of the condo, arms still folded across his chest, just moving Trash slowly towards the door until we could close it.
I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what just happened.
Trash finally left but took the door lock with him:
Trash stole the door lock — there was now no way to keep this door shut or locked.
The condo community also had security, but from what I could see in the Ring doorbell recordings, they were just standing around — not asking him to leave, not escorting him away, nothing (another story for another time).
Trash Was Not Done – He Came Back at 7:15pm
I was shaking with fear. Cesar could see it, I’m sure he was also scared but he didn’t show it. He stood at the door for hours.. And thank god that he did, because Trash came back for a second round.
At 7:15pm that same night, Trash came back up to the condo (How Princesa security allowed this is a story for another time). Trash beat on the door, tried to push his way in again. He shouted obscenities to the both of us….luckily Cesar was able to hold the door closed. Here is the Ring Doorbell recording on YouTube of the second attempt to break-in and the WhatsApp communications with my friends and MX attorney during this time below:
Trash finally left on his own…. and at 7:45pm the police finally arrived to take a report (Puerto Penasco Police Report # 1995699).
This should never have happened. I had alerted the HOA of the issues and had warned them, on a daily basis, that I was in fear of Trash and that something bad was going to happen. When it did indeed happen, nothing was done about it (story for another time).
A couple of things stood out to me after the police left:
There was food all over the floor — As it turns out, Trash had brought Thai food (my favorite) . This person cheated on me, actively deceived me, broke into my AZ Chandler home, had been stalking/harassing me for weeks. He knew I was not interested in anything he had to say, now or ever. Actions speak louder than words, his actions spoke volumes. So bringing Thai food and thinking we were going to sit down like old friends to “talk” is/was absolutely delusional.
As women, we are never safe. Men protect men — Trash probably paid the Princesa security guys a few bucks and somehow they looked the other way. There is one guard who was helpful — Alvaro. He kept telling Trash that “she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave her alone”. I will be forever grateful for his help. He is my favorite security guard. He gets it.
Trash is well known in the community. He owns a directTV install business in Mexico… He has access to the roof and other private spaces of houses and communities throughout town. I learned afterwards that during this incident, that sometime between 6:15 and 7:15pm, TD asked Security for the building roof key — he told them he wanted access to the roof so he climb onto my balcony and get into my condo through the patio door. Security did not give him a key. What kind of lunatic thinks like this? Which makes me think that I was indeed close to death that night — no joke.
I will do a separate post about how the Princesa HOA and Board were well aware that this would happen… and did nothing to stop it, and as a matter of fact, they made it worse by turning the Police away 3 times!
As mentioned above, I have a few more details to add that need to be a part of their own story…. But for now, this is a lot to for me share and for you consume. It’s taken me a week to recover from writing about the first home invasion – Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #1— this break-in was so much worse, as I did think, and still do think, that if Cesar had NOT been in the condo with me, I would be dead or severely injured.
Lessons learned —
I do not believe women are safe — ever. Maybe I’ve watched too much Forensic Files, Law & Order, Snapped, whatever…. .. the court/judicial system is NOT set up to protect us. So in 2023 I am going to take self defense courses and learn how to protect myself. Fuck (sorry for my language mom) these men who think the can intimidate and abuse women. You come after me in 2023 — I will take you down myself. Be prepared to lose your eyeballs and be humiliated that a 5’2″ 115 pound woman kicked your ass.
The justice and court systems work at a snails pace — there is zero sense of urgency. I would love to see a system where victims/survivors were protected and given the same benefit of the doubt as the perpetrator/offender. Not sure where I can contribute here, I’m open to ideas and suggestions.
I’m forever grateful that I have money to hire attorneys to help me navigate this insanity and for the friends that support me 100000% . I can’t imagine how overwhelming this process would be for single moms, less privileged folks, or women who have become isolated due to controlling partners (see Maid on Netflix).
I am grateful for the Order of Protection here in the states (see US Order of Protection Upheld). I have been told by my Mexico attorney that it is almost impossible to get an OOP in MX, so I just have to be vigilant while in Mexico make sure I am never alone, always with friends, and I let the Princesa security know my whereabouts at all times.
Last but not least, this break-in and the recorded Ring doorbell videos were evidence enough for Verizon to transfer my number back into my own account. Story here — How I Got My Phone Number Back From My Ex.
Answers to the questions friends & family are asking me.
I am a nice person. It’s my nature to see the good in all people. I trust people and take them at their word. I assume people are like me — honest, kind, compassionate, empathetic, etc..
When someone tells me they are at work, I believe them. I believe it because that is what I am doing. When someone tells me they are “just a friend”, I believe them. Because I mean it when I say it — I tell the truth, I don’t hide things. And when in a committed relationship, I am as transparent as possible.
I thought Tiny Trash was like me — kind, sincere, in love with me, and wanted the same things in a long-term committed relationship. Obviously I would NOT have turned my world upside down if I didn’t believe this. I was invested and I showed it through my actions:
All the time and money to fly back and forth between Salt Lake City Utah and Rocky Point Mexico for the first 6 months
The purchase of a house in Chandler to be closer to him
Moving to Rocky Point Mexico in December to live with him
Help him raise his 13 year old wayward son for 6 months
and finally, the selling of my home in Salt Lake City Utah so we could be together forever
The demise of the relationship and the way it ended sits entirely on Trash’s shoulders (story to come). He found me, a good girl, mirrored me to get what he wanted. Based on all the research I’ve done, it’s his MO — His behavior with me is consistent with his past 3 girlfriends AND his ex-wife (story to come).
The truth is, the person he presented to me is not who he is. He is a conman and a narcissist. He played a long con-game and I simply did not see it. I never new narcissists existed, so I was blindsided when it ended.
At first I was ashamed, embarrassed that I was so gullible, that I didn’t suspect a thing until August 24th. A good friend of mine said “Don’t make it your problem. He is at fault.” This made me feel a lot better about the situation, and has given me the strength to share my story in hopes that others become aware that there are monsters on this planet and you need to be very careful.
I have spent the last 4 months now (to the day), researching and learning all about Narcissism and how this could have happened to me. This Medium article by Myla MorningstarThe Covert Narcissist’s Wish List: 10 Traits of the Ideal Victim does a great job explaining how I was a perfect target.
So here is what I have learned / come to grips with over these last 4 months:
The person Trash presented to me never existed; he was mirroring me to get what he wanted.
That what I thought we shared was not real (real to me, not to him).
He lied to me about everything; he never blocked his ex, Lola (they remained friends and even slept together while we were in a committed relationship).
That he used my trust in him to have multiple affairs and hookups; we were never in a committed relationship in his mind.
All I did was love someone, truly, deeply, and trusted that what he told me was true. This does not make me a bad person nor is it something to be ashamed of. And I will not change who I am because of this experience. I will continue to be loving, trusting, empathic and compassionate. But what I will do, moving forward, is:
I will not reveal my past and/or my future desires too early in a relationship. By sharing too much, Trash learned how to manipulate me and personify the partner I was looking for. TikTok’s mentalhealness a self-aware narcissist spells it out here: First Meeting a Narcissist
I will not date anyone who only has female “friends”. Especially if these female “friends” are disrespectful to me, us, and/or our relationship. Great Tiktok by coryskolnik explains it well: What narcissists mean when they say “she is just a friend”.
Knowing what I know now has given me the closure I need to move on from this brutal life lesson. Outside of a few more stories that need to be shared, I will focus on my future, move past this, and start living my life again.
Thank you all for reading and please share this with any friends or family that you think may be involved with a narcissist. I wished someone had let me know sooner, because finding out on my own has been a very painful experience.
Narcissists have a grandiose sense of entitlement — They think the world owes them and they will steal, lie, cheat to get what they feel should be theirs. True to his character, Trash is a thief.
So what has been stolen? Basically everything of worth. Trash left some of his used furniture for me to dispose of (story for another time), and took all the items of value, which of course where mine.
This story will just be about the artwork ,which totals about $6300. This is artwork that I purchased while living in Salt Lake City, Utah. I moved it to Chandler on Aug. 17th 2022 and hung it up over the weekend of August 20th with my best friend Katie. The other stolen items will be new stories (its a series peeps!).
Trash took my things not because he liked it; the opposite, he didn’t like it. He made of fun of it. But he knew that I love it, that it took me a long time to curate the collection. And that is why he stole it — because I loved it.
Here is just some of the items, displayed beautifully at my home in Salt Lake City, UT. You can see all of the items he stole here.
Pictures of some of the Stolen Items
Trash told the police that he made the purchases while we were in business together. Which of course is not true. As of now the Police will not do anything — it has to be resolved in Civil Court (story for another day).
I know where some of the artwork is — it is at his new girlfriend, Laura’s house. As I am not 100% sure as I do not have video evidence, but would wager that the other items such as patio furniture, outdoor umbrellas and cafe lights, the locks, the wifi enabled landscape timer, etc. are all there as well. What a sweet fella to give his new girlfriend stolen items.
How do I know? Because Trash thinks he is above the law and posted pictures of it on Facebook. You bet I submitted the information the police. What did he do? Posted a joke Facebook Story about art… You can watch it here.
I have named Laura in the supplemental reports as a person in possession of stolen goods.
Below is the proof I submitted to the Chandler Police.
Set of Two Prints — Neutral Modern Art
Trash has been posting Facebook Stories and the stolen artwork is clearly hanging up at Laura’s house.
First supplemental report filed with the Chandler AZ Police: 22–141867. The evidence came from a Facebook Story Trash posted on Facebook. Full video here.
Artwork at my SLC UT home vs. at Laura’s house:
And the receipt for the art, I purchased, in October of 2021 —
Wait, there is more.
One of a Kind — Paris Street Scene
I purchased this in 2010 while visiting a friend in Paris. It’s one-of-a-kind / irreplaceable. He was dumb enough to post another video with more of my artwork hanging up at the new girlfriend’s house.
Second supplemental report filed with the Chandler AZ Police: 22–151118. The evidence came from a Facebook Story Trash posted. I do not have the full video.
Artwork at my SLC UT home vs. my artwork at Laura’s house:
So, what have I learned from this experience?
That a narcissist believes that what is yours is theirs; your stuff now equals their stuff and their stuff still equals their stuff . Such a huge sense of entitlement. I mean he didn’t just steal from me, he stole from the previous ex Lola (I met the ex girlfriend — she is NOT crazy; she is absolutely lovely ) and he stole from the ex prior to Lola. Spiritualwhistleblower on TikTok speaks the truth here.
That the police are pretty much useless in these situations. I can prove that we were not in business together, that these items were purchased by me with my credit card, some of them before I met Trash. They don’t care.
The court system is set up for criminals to crime. I’m convinced the hoops a victim/survivor is required to jump through is means to discourage them to push forward and fight for what they deserve — Justice.
I have filed a Civil Suit — for fraud/deception (for lying about the funds for the condo) , theft (my art (this article) and other stuff), as well as damage done to the Chandler house (more on this later). I will not give up until what is mine is returned to me.
The Ex knows how to game the system – the system lets criminals keep on crime-ing.
(Image credit: Shutterstock)
So today, Monday January 23rd 2023, I filed a police report for credit card fraud. Chandler AZ police report number: #23–9226. This is the story of how my Ex, Tiny Trash, began using a Credit Card he was no longer authorized to use 16 days AFTER we broke up.
Let me make this perfectly clear — I own 3 Short Term Rentals (STR). I created an LLC in 2018 to manage these rentals for tax purposes. Trash is in no way associated to the LLC nor is he on any deed of these properties.
He offered, as a boyfriend, to be the primary contact for one of my properties located in Chandler AZ. All other properties are managed by property managers. He offered — he said he wasn’t busy and could do it, and I mistakenly accepted. Because he was the main contact for this property, I gave him access to my credit cards. The purpose was to purchase items for the rental property only.
Trash had access to two of my credit cards (account numbers no longer active):
card ending in 7767, a personal credit card I used for business management until early 2022.
card ending in 4757, a business credit card, associated to the LLC I used to support my STR business. Created in early 2022.
Once I created the small business account with Bank of America that was directly tied to my LLC, I switched from using 7767 and began using 4757. This happened early 2022. I got a credit card in Trash’s name so that he could purchase materials needed to sustain a short term rental, i.e. shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper, etc..
I deactivated Tiny Trash’s business credit card (ending in 4757) on Aug 24th 2022 when I found out he was living with his new girlfriend Laura. He of course was livid. Once he knew it was over — that I wasn’t buying his lies, he began using the first card he had access to. I thought he gave the credit card back, but clearly he did not.
We broke up on August 24th 2022. He began using the card ending in 7767 on September 8th 2022. I did not realize this until I received the statement. There should have been ZERO charges on the card as I had migrated to the credit card associated with my business (ending in 4757) and the personal card (7767) was dormant.
Somehow Trash still had the card. And he began using it in September 2022, mere weeks after we broke up. By Sept. 16th 2022, he had charged a total of $1057.62 to the card. When I learned of the charges, I filed a credit card fraud case with Bank of America:
He clearly made charges for gas, Amazon purchases, and even tried to hire a lawyer — Cardis Law Group — I assume to help him fight the eviction case I started on Sept. 8th 2022 (story here: The Eviction Process).
Ultimately Bank of America found all these charges fraudulent.
Given this confirmation from Bank of America, I filed a Police Report with the Chandler AZ police department (Police Report #23–9226). I filed the report with Officer Swanson. He took the report then called Trash to get his side. Officer Swanson called me back and stated that Trash did admit to making the charges stating that the card had his name on it. That’s some kind of logic isn’t it???
Officer Swanson told me that because Trash did indeed have a card with his name on it, these charges to not meet the criteria for Credit Card fraud (like the DirectTV fraud does). So again, this has to be dealt with in Civil Court (along with all the stolen items They Steal What You Love — Part 1).
So once again, Trash gets away with NOT being held accountable in the criminal court system. It is ridiculous to me that conmen like this continue to get away with this — theft, fraud, active deception, and breach of trust/contract. Again, I go back to my experience that the system is set up for criminals to crime. Nothing more, nothing less.
The laws need to change. If there is anyone out there that knows how to change the laws and needs an advocate for why changes are needed, reach out to me. I will stand with you. These criminals need to be held accountable.
Lessons learned:
NEVER mix business and personal. I will never ever again give access to my credit cards to anyone else. I will manage everything myself. If I begin to feel overwhelmed, I will sell a property or hire someone to help. Period.
Always cancel credit cards you are not using. I did not do this because there were still some monthly charges that Trash was supposed to transition to the new card. He did not. I should have taken care of this.
At the end of the day, I will never be too busy with work and my side hustle to not protect myself. I will never trust a partner to do the right thing. I will make sure that I take care of anything and everything. Because at the end of the day, this is my livelihood.
On January 31st, 2023, I received a call from Bank of America. Trash had wire transferred money into my account from his Wells Fargo account and it was flagged as fraudulent. Bank of America was calling me to get my approval to return the funds. Of course I said yes. The agent that called me did not have details on why the transfer was marked as fraud, and gave me the Bank Of America business account fraud department number (1–800–729–9437 option 2,3,3)to call to get more details. Case # BML 230130–003835.
So today, Feb. 3rd 2023, I called Bank of America Business checking Fraud department to get more details about the wire fraud.
Here is the timeline:
1/19/23 — Trash wire transferred $3500 from his Wells Fargo account to my BofA business checking account. Here are the details from my Bank of America statement:
1/30/23 — Trash then called his bank (Wells Fargo) and reported the transaction that HE INITIATED as fraud. Bank of America has the following note from Wells Fargo (the remitter): “Please return payment per fraud”.
1/31/23 — My bank, Bank of America, called me and told me the transfer had been flagged as fraud and was seeking my approval to return funds. Of course I gave permission and the funds were returned the very same day. Here are the details from my Bank of America statement:
What in the sand hill is going on? Why would he do this? And what is the significance of the dates January 19th and 30th 2023? Was he trying to hide money? Was he trying to set me up as perpetuating wire fraud? As far as I know he has not reported this to the police, no officer has called me from Gilbert Police to seek an explanation.
But for now, be very very very aware that retaliation is real — they will do whatever the can to hurt you. I have reported this incident to my Lawyer as well as the Chandler police, police report # 23–13964.
If anyone has been through this and can explain the significance of doing this, please comment. I just have no idea why someone would do this 5 months post-breakup.
(Photo from the paradise fires, if you know the photographer please reach out, happy to give them credit). I found this photo searching for “scorched earth”.
This year, at best, has been difficult. My heart still aches with loss.
You see, in mid-January, my second week on the new job, @AbFab decided that I was no longer a participant in her family. She said, via text and email, a lot of very selfish and hateful things. The end result is she disowned her side of the family. I understand why she would want to sever ties with her mother. I also understand why she was so angry with her grandparents (my parents)… but for me? I’ve done nothing but be an advocate for her AND her family. I have no idea where the hate and anger came from… but she wrote things that she cannot take back (She would not speak me on the phone so all her venom was spewed via text and email).
In the dark of night, she picked up and moved most of her family to another state. She left me hanging financially and emotionally – which she said I deserved, because I “owed her” for transgressions yet to be fully explained. In addition to leaving me very financially vulnerable, she abandoned her oldest daughter @Mayonaise with her father, who is a horrible, terrible person. My heart breaks everyday knowing this little girl has little to no chance of success given her surroundings. All you have to do is watch 60 Days In to see what kind of person he is – @Mayonaise’s dad is a career druggie/criminal. Has spent his entire life stealing from others, has been in and out of jail forever. Has never paid child support and is always scamming someone. Don’t even get me started on the Juvenile justice system that allows a person like this to have custody of a child. If they cared for the best interest of kids, this man would never be allowed to look at a child, much less be allowed to let one live with him. Ask me about how his pedophile uncle exposed himself to the kids multiple times and he did nothing about it, when he was forced to report it, Child Protective Services did nothing about it. Any kid not born of two well-to-do parents is fucked.
@AbFabs revelation could not have come at a worst time for me – I was two weeks into my new job. I’m doing my best to hold it together, living out of a suitcase at a friends house during the week while my cats lived with a friend because I had just been scammed out of an apartment (paid $7k for 3 months).. So instead of being all set up for my new job, I was stressed about a roof over my head for myself and the cats. I was miserable to say the least.
Then, Jan. 25th – the barrage of nasty texts from @Abfab. No warning, Just venom. Shocked me to my core. My entire world was turned upside down. I had to cut away from work to get a new phone number (we were on a family plan that they kicked me off of)… hate spewing from my phone, going off like fireworks. @Abfab felt entitled to say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted with no regard for anyone else. Somehow she was the victim…
This was 7 months ago. I have been so distraught, barely able to get myself to work every day, living in a fog. I have slowly come to terms with the situation, and am just now sharing this news with friends. Yep- my heart is broken – the situation weighs heavily on me. I feel now much like I did after my divorce… Who am I? What do I care about? How do I give my life meaning? I do not know the answers to these questions. This situation has changed me – I am not myself anymore. Once again, I’m trying to figure my shit out.
So for now I am doing my level best to get up and go to work everyday; to get work done so I can continue to collect a paycheck. As soon as this stops feeling like a chore I’ll incorporate other self care activities into my daily regimen.
This is probably enough news for one blog post.
I’ll post more later.
I hope all is well on your end and that 2019 has treated you well.
A week from Monday my life changes – I officially start my new job! It is a big deal because a) I am temporarily relocating to the Bay Area, and b) I am transitioning into a new role. I am not looking forward to being back in the Bay Area BUT I am excited about:
My manager… She has many years of experience as a manager and running a global organization. She knows her shit AND she is cool beans. I am looking forward to working with someone I can learn from (finally).
The industry…. the industry is changing and I will be a part of of the transformation. My company is kick-ass and I am thrilled to be working with them to change the face of the industry, and becoming an industry expert in the process.
the role… I love putting things together. My new role is all about putting pieces of the puzzle together, for prospects and customers, and seeing a solution come to fruition. This makes my heart sing. 🙂
Even with all of this positive energy, I am also experiencing melancholy and loss.
I am melancholy about leaving (temporarily) my life here in Utah. I love it here. I love being close to AbFab and her family and the Utah community has been kind to me. Even though I do not know many of my neighbors, I feel looked after and cared for. People are watching and I like that. Here are a few examples:
When I am away, people take my trash and recycling out to the curb.
When there is a heavy snowfall, someone snowplows my driveway. I don’t ask for it, people don’t ask for recognition, they just do it. I’d love to thank them, but I don’t know who they are.
I know these are small things, but I did not experience this in CA in the last 10 years I was there. Even when I lived in my house.. and when I was a renter… forget about it. This small acts of kindness make me feel better, and have had a positive influence on me – I feel they make me a more aware, kinder person. I remember these acts of kindness and it makes me smile and pass it onto others. All around, moving to Utah has been a very positive experience for me.
The loss is Baby Boy. Baby Boy is the cat I rescued from AbFab’s family after their tragedy. I loooooovvvee him so much. He is my favorite cat – so easy to love, such a sweet, caring, lovebug… BUT I am overwhelmed with the chaos that will become my regular life… Sophie and Zoey (babies I adopted in 2005/2006) are used to the travel and chaos, Baby Boy is not. Because of this, I made the decision to find Baby Boy the forever home he deserves. I found a home for him with a wonderful woman and her sidekick, an adorable cat-loving dachshund named Tucker. Based on the pictures I have received, he loves his new mom…. but he isn’t so fond of Tucker. Tucker attempts to play with him but Baby Boy will have nothing to do with him. So sad. 😦 I am in constant communication with his new mom – we will monitor his progress. If he does not acclimate by mid-February, I will take him back. For now we are crossing our fingers that Baby Boy will learn to love Tucker and all will be good. Here is a picture of my little angel. He is the best cat in the world.
I am heartbroken about my loss.. He is so lively, so personable, so loving. I am devastated. I’ve been crying for 5 days straight now. I’m crying right now as I write this post. It feels awful, not natural to not have Baby Boy near me. A piece of me is missing, my heart is truly broken. But a new, loving, stable home is what is best for Baby Boy so I have to move on.
So through my tears, I am packing up, organizing my stuff, covering as much of my furniture as possible (remodels are messy), and prepping the cats for the drive/change. I will be driving to CA with the cats early this week. Yes there is a lot of weather – wind and snow – I am keeping an eye on the weather and will make the journey when it is the most safe.
I will speak more to the job and the Utah house remodel in the upcoming months.
I’m always looking for feedback – Please share what you have done to better enable yourself for a new life.. or how you have dealt with the loss of a loved one… I would greatly appreciate any/all feedback, guidance, and words of wisdom.
Life has been bumpy these last few weeks (months is it now?). Things have NOT turned out at all close to how I planned them.
Employment. Yes, I resigned. Now that I’m out, I realize I made the right decision for my sanity and physical health. And boy, do I looooovvvveee not working (I still keep plenty busy, it’s like I have a full time job taking care of me!) . But I am not independently wealthy. My home in CA has not sold (see below) and I don’t have enough savings to support myself for an extended period of time…so my dreams to go back to school are on the back-burner and I need to get job (yes, that heart wrenching wailing in the background is me). Deep sadness set in… and I got through it. I put on my big girl pants, assessed what I want to do (no more Customer Success, it’s a thankless, shit job – more on this in a later post). I figured out what I want to do and the kind of companies I want to work for. Married these two… and voila, found a a job. I signed an offer of employment this week. It is a bittersweet moment for me.
I love the company and what they are doing.
Every person I met was wicked smart and incredibly nice.
I believe they will be tremendously success at what they do (yes, another startup).
I know I can be successful in the role and there is a lot of room for growth.
The not so great part?
I have to go back to work (boo), and
I have to move back to the Bay Area…
Yes, the cats and I will be moving back to the Bay Area, at least for the first 6 months of 2019. Not at all sure what this looks like or how it is going to happen… I just know that it has to happen. That I need to make it happen.
O.k.. 2nd big unexpected turn. Retirement. My House in CA. It has not sold. It’s been on the market since Oct. 17, 2018. I received one low ball offer which I declined. It has been on the market long enough that folks think something is wrong with it. As of now, I own and am paying the mortgage on an empty house in California (not a cheap endeavor).
Here is the sad truth. I knew the market turning in Northern CA back in early Summer. I could feel it (I study real estate in my spare time). I approached the agent in June 2018. I was ready to go. But I let my realtor talk me into two things that I regret. I only bring this up as to remind you that you should always trust your instincts. AT 47, I wonder why I discount my intuition. Most of the time (if not all times), the trouble I experience in life is because I DID NOT trust my gut. Shame on me.
So the two worst pieces of advice that I followed are:
Remove tenants and stage the house. I had wonderful tenants. The lived cleanly and took very good care of the property. They wanted to stay in the home while it was up for sale – they agreed to cooperate with the agent and all showings. My agent said that it was not best for a home to be occupied during a sale. So against my better judgement, I gave the tenants 60 days notice to move out. It pains me to know that I am paying a mortgage and the costs to stage a home just so it looks like its lived in. The irony is not lost on me.
Turn town an private offer – “you are better off listing your home”. The tenants that moved out wanted to purchase the home. They made a healthy offer. The realtor recommended that I do not accept their offer and that I put the house on the open market as I am more likely to get more $$ if there are competing bids. Yes, there is truth to his statement, but it is not the norm. Not sure why he did this, he probably would have made more commission by representing the both of us in this transaction.
I feel like someone who’s profession it is to read and know the market would NOT offer this advice given the market conditions. If I were to do this again, I would do it my way, and if the realtor didn’t like it, I would find another realtor.
Anywhoo… the house has not sold, I just put it on the rental market. Please cross your fingers and toes that I get amazing tenants soon.
Last but not least, I am living through a home remodel in my home in Utah. I am immersed in it. It started the week before Thanksgiving. The project is to remodel 2 bathrooms. The first bathroom, the guest bathroom, was demolished the Friday before Thanksgiving. It is scheduled to be complete by Friday, Dec. 14th. That will be exactly 2 weeks late, which means the 2nd bathroom remodel is delayed, not set to start until the guest bathroom is done (I need at least one toilet and shower). This has a direct and negative impact on my schedule now that I have to move for my job (see above).
I do love the fact that I’m doing the remodel and that I found a contractor I trust, but shit, this is hard. It is so dirty and messy, it cannot be good to breathe in all the fumes and particles.
Cost wise, I’m on budget on materials and labor…
The contractor and I agreed to a fixed labor amount for the totality of each project, so the longer the project goes, the more it eats into his profits. My guess is that the delay in the first bathroom can be made up on the 2nd bathroom.. He now has intimate knowledge of how the house was constructed and what to expect. FYI – the delay is NOT due to me – all items, parts, pieces, and the like are available to him. Any timing delays have been due to lack of detail on his part. As of now he has NOT asked me for more $$.
Cost of items are on target with my expectations. I am a bargain shopper and have been cost conscious. It helps that I know exactly what I want, so finding it on sale is easy, especially during the holidays. 🙂 BTW, Amazon is AMAZING. I found some of the best deals on Amazon – prices were competitive, but shipping (2 day prime, hell yes!) was what sealed the deal. When I say items, I mean tubs, toilets,shower sets, etc… construction stuff. It’s insane what you can find on Amazon and the prices are very very competitive.
FYI – I spent a LOT of time trying to shop locally to little avail. Its too bad as I do not want a world where we don’t have local options…
All of these elements is not what I expected or envisioned for myself. But this is how the cards are folding for me. I have made decisions – the best decisions I can based on my options at this point – so now it’s a matter of moving forward.
Ever forward.
I have so much more to share, but this is a lot to absorb in one post. For those of you that I owe a response to, I’m sorry for my delayed response. I have been super busy and a bit overwhelmed and stressed with everything going on.
Last but certainly not least, please keep your comments and words of encouragement coming. Hearing from you makes a difference to me -makes me feel connected, tethered, to others… so thank you for those that have reached out. I greatly appreciate it!!
Life is complicated right now. I have been overwhelmed by it all .. and I’ve been frozen with fear and anxiety. The top anxiety producers are:
Resigning from my job. It could have been a great job. It wasn’t – made horrible by a terrible manager and consistently bad experiences .. I call it a death by a 1000 cuts. I know I’m not alone here – check this out – Why I Quit My Job by Life of Kai. This is my experience so eloquently written. I do not mean to diminish Kai’s experience as a PoC, or to diminish that the Ad Industry needs an upgrade. But this story is my story too (I’m a white woman working in Tech). Terrible managers and the leadership teams that support them exist in all industries. It truly is death by a 1000 cuts (politically correct terminology is micro-aggressions). I just wished I had the strength this woman had to recognize the problem as not mine and resign earlier. I would have more confidence at this point and have spent less time trying to improve a impossible situation.
Risking My Retirement. Given #1 above, I have to support myself. So I decided to sell my #1 asset – my California property. It is my largest asset.. and I’m selling it 20 years prior to retirement. Am I crazy? Yes. It feels like crazytown right now given the stock market, political landscape, and the uncertainty of the midterms. Yes, I have a 401K and an IRA (I’ve been saving since I started my career at 24), but those haven’t grown in value nearly as much or as quickly as real estate in CA. So in order to support myself while I look for another job, I need to sell this asset. It hasn’t been easy to unload an expensive house in a volatile market.
Planning/managing a home remodel. I’ve been living in a shit hole. I purchased a house a year ago in as-is condition. It was a rental for 28 years before I purchased it. Everything is in original/terrible condition. Why did I buy it? Because it was close – 4 blocks – from the family I love. My living condition has gotten the better of me and I just cannot live like this anymore. Given the current market, finding a contractor is challenging… I finally found one.. and he is available Nov. 15th. Yeah me!! But #1 was unplanned and #2 has been challenging, making me stress out about the $$ I’m spending on the remodel (Yes, I put a deposit down… I need this change for my sanity)..
Yes, I am very aware that these are all self-inflicted wounds. On top of causing my own trouble, I obsess about being poor, not having a roof over my head, and eating cat food to survive. What can I say, when you grow up poor, these things never leave you… I wake up physically sick every morning. I have nightmares about working at Walmart and eating cat food to survive in my old age.. The anxiety is overwhelming.
Given all of this, I struggle every day to get anything done. And as a Type A person that likes to get shit done, I am mortified by my state. I literally cannot make myself do what I know needs to be done. I am doing my best to not let it get to me and to overcome it. I am embarrassed to share my goals with you at this time as they are tiny… but they do get me out of bed and accomplishing something each day.
Here are a few things that motivate me:
Daily emails from Inspire More. I read these emails every morning and it let’s me know that a) there are good people in this world, and b) I can be one of them with a small, kind gesture.
Positive Interactions with Others. Anytime I go out of my house, I focus on having positive interactions with others. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am hyper aware of my interactions with others and do what I can to make it positive for the other person.
Make a difference. I do my best to make a difference in every life I touch. I see others doing this and it makes me happy. I don’t care what it is, if someone has passion to help others and make a positive impact on others, I’m all for it. For me, its a small action – smiling and saying hi, listening to someone who wants to share there story, or showing appreciation for the help/kindness of others (Home Depot you are the best!!). The kindnesses I am watching now are:
Marc Benioff’s effort to help the homeless. Hands down we need more Marc Benioff’s. I have traveled a lot internationally, and the USA is the only country that doesn’t take care of their own… makes me sad. I see how other countries take care of their people. And we, the USA, richest country in the world, do not make it priority to take care of our own peeps. It hurts me deeply.
Kathrine Zellner , Laura Nirider, Alison Clayton, and any/all involved with Innocence Projects. Wow, there are a lot of innocent people serving time. Can you imaging if this was you? The more I research this, the scarier it is for the the innocent. I have a cousin in prison, serving a life sentence, for a murder she didn’t commit. I’ll write more about this in a future post, but the justice system is not kind to the innocent.
For the Love of Farm Animals. Why people on this planet that hurt animals is a mystery to me. I am the person who saves spiders.. I can’t help it. I imagine their families missing them… and they do eat misquotes.. What does it hurt to guide them back to the great outdoors? But what about those awesome animals bred for our food? I have fallen in love with Esther the Wonder Pig and her friends.. I’m hard pressed to eat pork and turkey at this point in my life. It’s easy to make a difference – only purchase food from humane farms, donate and save an animal or two, or visit a farm sanctuary near you.
A very long, rambling post… yes I’m drinking wine… I’ll do my best to write more consistently. 🙂
If you have made it this far, then you have probably been in a similar place. Please let me know how you have gotten over your life challenges, how you get out of your own way, and the path that ultimately set you free..
This is my diary of the wildlife where I live in Oxfordshire, and sometimes the places I visit. I am a 18 year old young naturalist with a passion for British wildlife, especially Badgers and Hares. I have been blogging since May 2013 and you can read my old blog posts at www.appletonwildlifediary.blogspot.co.uk
(Photo from the paradise fires, if you know the photographer please reach out, happy to give them credit). I found this photo searching for “scorched earth”.
Paula's Ponderings 