Think, Think, Think, Think, Think…

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I’m so frustrated with myself for so many reasons.

I’m in Nashville this week, on a business trip. Prior to coming to Nashville, I was in Utah visiting with family and friends.

My birthday was last Friday – I’m officially 44. I spent the weekend with my friends in Park City. They spoiled me with great meals and their fabulous company. C-Licious, one of my best friends, moved to Utah 10 months ago. I miss her desperately. It was so good to see her, but it also made me realize that I do feel really incredibly alone in CA without her. She was the one I visited with most often …we spent a couple of times a week together as well as at least one weekend night. I do have other very close friends near me, but they all have their busy lives and I do not see them often.

Now that I’m in Nashville, I am interacting with folks but I’m not connecting. It is like I am numb all over, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to feel.  Feel anything.  I’ve heard some great stories about people, friends, their families.  Normally I would be totally engaged… moved by the intimacy of sharing experiences.  Not this week – I really like the folks I’ve spent time with, but I am having a difficult time connecting.  That is my thing – I have an ability to connect with most people on just about anything…  I just couldn’t do it this week.

What is wrong with me? I had such aspirations at the beginning of this year. I was so excited, so energized to make changes.  And now the year is almost half over and I’ve done nothing to change the course of my life.  I know I need to, I know I want to, I’ve even written it all out in my 2015 New Years Resolutions. I know the important things take time, but god damn it, I need a bone.  Something, a small sign that this is the right path… that life is going to get better, a light at the end of the tunnel… that things WILL get better soon… I keep thinking that I need some time off, a trip away, a long one where I can regroup and get my bearings back…  but I am not in a financial position to do this.  This is something I will create for myself so this situation never happens again.  But for now, it’s not going to happen.

All I can do is think.  My mind just spins, over and over.  I moving towards my New Years Resolutions, but outside of that, I’m doing nothing.  Because my NYR are taking a while, I feel I’m frozen. I’m standing still, unable to move in any direction. I keep telling myself that I will feel different once I reach my goals – once I lose the extra weight, once I get my finances in order, once I get to where I want to be professionally…. but these things aren’t going to happen if I do not DO SOMETHING.

I am in a sad state.  I know that this is just a phase, and it will pass.  But right now I’m desperate for change. Desperate to get out of this life I’m in – that I wake up to everyday and wish desperately that it was different.  . So much so that I am now seriously considering moving to Utah.  I’ve been looking at real-estate – what I can afford is exactly what I want AND I can afford it.  My biggest fear about moving back is being alone… Salt Lake City isn’t exactly the mecca for singles, especially singles in their mid-forties.  But it’s not like I’ve done that well for myself in CA.  And the good part is a better quality of life, I will be closer to my family, and of course to C-Licious.

Do i stick to my current plan, my New Years Resolutions, or do I just pick up and move on? Moving seems easier, my life would be easier – less financial stress, less job stress, I would be closer to my family and friends.  The thing that hold me back is that I would not be able to get back into the Bay Area (once I sell I can’t purchase again – all prices are out of my range)….. .  the real question is do I really care about having a foothold in the Bay Area?

Well, it’s late in Nashville. There was a party tonight and I couldn’t muster up the energy to go.  One of the first cities that I’ve visited that I didn’t get out and mingle with locals.  Sad really, I was very much looking forward to this trip – to seeing Nashville. I’ve heard so many great things about the city and the people.  Another thing that I didn’t do because i just didn’t have the energy to get out and socialize.

I’m so lame right now.  Lame friend, lame person, dull and unexciting.  I’ve lost my Paula Peppiness… I’ve got to get my groove back.  Any guidance on how to do this would be helpful and appreciated.

Now I need to get to bed so I can catch a plane home.  I get home late on Friday and I’m looking forward to seeing and holding my precious babies.

Winding Down The Family Weekend.

Here I sit, in my bed, ready for sleep, thinking about my weekend…  here it is, in a nutshell.

Today, Sunday was a great day.  I went with my mom to our favorite thrift store and found my favorite pants in my size.  So I lost weight last year, and my girlfriend FreeBird told me I had to get rid of them…  I gave them to my mom this weekend. She loves them.  I was sad to part with them, but happy that they fit my mom and she loves them.  So, we go to the thrift store, and what do I find…. the EXACT SAME PAIR of jeans IN MY SIZE.  Honestly, I have done some very good deeds to deserve something like this to happen to me.   Oh, and they cost $8.  I know! Awesome.

This afternoon was my great-niece Mayonaise’s 4th birthday party.  She officially turns 4 next weekend, but we celebrated it this weekend.  I’ve attached a picture of her here – how adorable is she?!?!?!   She received the usual – shoes and sidewalk chalk from great grandma, clothes from grandma, coloring books from mom and dad, these bracelets from her cousin, and of course you can guess what I got for her – hula hoops!!  Yep, we went outside and I showed her the ways of the hula… she was adorable moving her round little belly around trying to keep the hoop up.  Just adorable.

Yesterday, Saturday, I spent the morning with my mom, lunch with mom and dad, a long nap, then dinner and drinks with AbFab and her hubby.  We ate at Red  Lobster.. I had Maine lobster with 2 glasses of wine… Fantastic company, great food, superior service.  The only bummer is that the evening ended too soon. 😦

And on Friday I worked all day, then had a fabulous dinner with my realtor.  Learned that 47% of all Utah properties on the market are distressed…   which means that I won’t be selling my condo anytime soon.

All in all, I was able to relax a bit, spend quality time with family and friends, and still manage to get my work done.  How great is that?