So its been a while since I’ve written on my newly formed blog. I think about it daily, but as Randy Travis croons about, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
So, I didnt want to write unless I had “figured my shit out”… well, I’m not sure if this will ever happen (after all, I am Paula). Have any of you ever had a period of time in your life where you just don’t know what the hell is going on or what you’re doing? When you feel completely lost? Not necessarily hopeless, but lost?
I’ve been very busy this year, dealing with “storms” if you will, finding a job, dealing with a seperation/divorce, finding a place to live, making sure the cats are happy (you have kids, I have cats, pets are the same as kids… they need taking care of). Anyway, Its much easier to focus on goals when you are firced to focus on them, when there isn’t much choice (going to college, getting a job, parents becoming ill/incapacitated, etc). I’m now learning that the hardest storm to weather is the storm I create for myself. Let me explain.
I’m now unpacking my worldly posessions in a rental property that really decided on me (based on availability). Given this, we (me and the cats) have adjusted. But for me, this has been challenging….its not my own, I want it to be… but it just isn’t. So I’m dealing with not having things go my way, but really, thats the half of it. The real challenge for me is trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life; HOW do I want to live the rest of my life?
In some ways, I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, in others, I feel like I’ve disabled myself (to divorce, wanting/wishing to have “it all”). Which is it? Only time will tell. I do feel lost. I do not know which way to turn. Will it be a situation that determines my path; such as losing a job? A family emergency? These are easy things… what is hard is making the decision that changes my life in the direction I want to go, taking ownership of my path forward. I do know that something has to change, and I do think thats its only a matter of time before something happens; before the road reveals itself, and/or I chose a path to crawl/walk/run down….
The real question is, will I recognize the right direction for me? Will it be obvious, or will I have to “dig for it”, like a B rate star shopping at a 2nd hand store for a Gucci bag? Only time will tell.
Thank you for letting me see this part of you. I really appreciate it. In fact, even though this post is quite melancholy, it makes me really happy in an odd way. Even though things are in complete disarray for you, there is a calm and determination that you are going to be fine. And, of course, this has been a while…. I really like it. One day at a time.