Thoughts & Experiences

New Job.

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So, some big news to report.   I resigned from my current job.  I have accepted a new job, same position, with another company.

I have been unhappy with my company and my role for over a year now.  I don’t take switching jobs lightly (I do have a lot of responsibilities, including  two cats to provide for, rent, mortgage, etc.. !!), but something had to be done.   I did speak to my manager several times about my dissatisfaction and have offered up multiple solutions.  Nothing was done on their side, so it felt like it was time for me to move on.

I view my relationship with a company a lot like my personal relationships – All I can do is communicate my feelings/needs, be communicative, and open to options.  If the other person/company doesn’t respond, then they aren’t interested in growing together…  And I’m not interested in spending one moment in an “unhappy” state with anyone, including an employer.

So there you have it.  Captain of my ship and I’m steering my boat in a different direction.

My firsts day is April 19th and I’m excited about it.  Its feels good to be excited, to be  starting over and doing something new.!!

Here is How It Happened.

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Grrrrhhh.  O.k. So for whatever reason, I’ve received numerous emails this week from past work associates asking me why I’ve gone back to my maiden name.  These are folks still work with the Ex…I would love it if they would just ask him.  I know that the Ex and I were not doing well, but here are the turn of events that broke the camel’s back:

  • 2008 – Feb. – I went to Utah for two weeks to get two rental properties ready to sell. I lost my job. I decided to stay longer than the 2 weeks originally scheduled (why not, I’d lost my job).
  • 2008 – Early March – I was at one of my condo’s, cleaning it up to put it on the market, began looking for a job, learned to snowboard, drank to much, cried to much, saw family. One friend came to visit me.  I ASKED the EX to join me anytime, he was always too busy (you’ll see with what in a minute).
  • 2008 – Late March – I got a job, start date was middle of April.  The Ex came to visit me, said he wanted to make our relationship work.  I thought we decided together that we wanted the marriage to work.  I was sorely mistaken. What I think he meant to say was “please so no, I like someone else”.
  • 2008 – Early April – I arrived back in CA, ready to give our marriage another go (for what seemed like the 100th time).  The Ex and I had several “work” trips planned but I thought we agreed to work around it.   He took a “business trip”.. I then used this same suitcase for my trip. My trip was to Dallas for my new job.   As I packed my things into the suitcase, I found a condom.  I asked the Ex about it. Here were his excuses:
    • “Its one of ours”.  My response:  “No, its not, I checked. And we haven’t had sex in ages, which is one of my issues with this marriage”.
    • “Someone else put it there”.  My response:  “I found the condom on the INSIDE of the bag. Who would have access to put the condom on the inside?”   I remember thinking to myself, Um, yeah, that’s what TSA folks do to have a good laugh – stick condoms in random people’s bags.

The fact is, he was lying.  He was cheating and he was lying about it.  As the Ex drove me to the airport for my trip (yes, mere minutes after finding the condom),  I said I was done.  And I was.  The drama was so unnecessary.  He wanted to be somewhere else – go for it.  There was no argument from the Ex about the separation.   We just put the house on the market, sold it, and moved on.

Funny story, we were still living together, I think it was sometime in May of 2008 (around my birthday I believe), the Ex marked his FaceBook profile as Single.  Email/alerts went out to everyone… close friends, colleagues, family, etc.. Here we were, still living together, and he wanted to make sure someone knew he was available.  I brought it to his attention, he apologized, but the damage was done.

Anyway, I don’t know his timeline after this.  What I do know is that the Ex must have been busy “entertaining” without his condoms, because he got a co-worker pregnant. He now lives in Miami with his baby mama (who also happened to be married to someone else at the time…).

Why do I take the time to explain this now?  Because for whatever reason, I just received multiple emails from colleagues that don’t know we are divorced.  As with anything, word does get around. I also wish I could send a link to this posting to everyone and just say, “here is the story”, but I don’t want to blow my cover.  But this is the truth.

I am frustrated that this is a part of my life, the fact that I’m am in any way, shape, or form part of the Ex’s drama. It didn’t have to be this way – but it is because he was a coward with me.   Strong words, I know.  Just really frustrated right now.

Lesson learned for me:

  1. I will not and do not let this experience define me. I love men, I think there are a lot of good ones out there, I just didn’t pick one the first time around.  So be it. There is always a next time.
  2. Actions speak louder than words.  I will always pay attention to actions. If the actions don’t meet their words, then I’m moving on.  Hope is for the birds.  As a friend once said to me, “If a guy wants to be with you, he will show up”.

And thats all she said…. for now.  😉

Sophie’s Back!

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Sophie is back.  What a huge relief.   In the 4+ years I’ve had her, she has never roamed away.  I guess I will never know how she made it as far as she did.
Here is how finding her happened.  At 2:17 am this morning, I received a call (which I didn’t hear or pick up). When I woke up I noticed the call and listened to the message. A guy named Joshua said he was outside smoking a cigarette and Sophie came out of the bushes, meowing at him.  He said he would keep her until he heard back from me.

I called him at 9am, it went to his voice mail.  I guess anyone up at 2:17am smoking a cigarette isn’t necessarily a morning person (not that 9am is early)..  Anyway, he called me back around noon, gave me his address, and I immediately hopped in the car to pick her up.  I was very surprised how far she had gotten.  She ended up a mile or so away from the house, in a slim-shady neighborhood, on a street next to the freeway.

I was soo happy to see her.  She was happy to see me.. we laughed, we cried..  When I got home, I locked the cat door so she couldn’t get out.  She was behaving very strangely, walking around the house with a loud yowl type meow.  She couldn’t/wouldn’t settle down.  She finally did, and the picture you see is her baby, the other cat, loving on her, taking care of her.  So cute.

But here is the thing. How did I find her?  Her collar and a good samaritan.  I have cloth collar with her name and my number sewn into the collar (so there are no tags).   Someone saw the number on her collar and called.  Its as simple as that.    Here is everything I did to find her:

  • Collar – $15 about 2 years ago
  • Craigslist.org – $0 to post a missing pet add
  • SPCA – $0 – filed a missing pet report in person.  You also had to go back in-person to look for your pet.
  • UPS Store – $35 – to make 50 color flyers to hang up all over the neighborhood.
  • PetAmberAlert.com – $50 – First, it took them 24 hours to get a draft of a missing pet flyer to me.   The flyer they created was hideous so I changed it. Couldn’t do it online, I had to do it myself and then send them the pdf.   They posted it and send out the poster to neighboring businesses. However, they have yet to send me a list of everyone they sent the poster to…. Secondly, I have no way of marking my pet “found” and I have no idea what they do .. if anything, to alert people that the animal has been found.
  • Findtoto.com – $85 – for them to call 500 people within a mile radius of me.  Again, these folks will not send me a list of folks they called.  One good note is that there is a way to mark your pet as “found” on this website.  This website is so much easier to use and their turn-around time is immediate.  May not have helped me find Sophie, but doing it felt good, I felt like I was doing something and that someone was out there wanting to help me (unlike PetAmberAlert.com).

I think the best thing to do for any pet at this point, is to have a collar with a phone number on it (vs. dangling tags), insert a chip into the cat (wish it had GPS capabilities so I can look online at her location when she goes missing), and make flyers ON YOUR OWN and hang them up around the neighborhood.   As far as finding a lost pet,  I would definitely not pay for PetAmberAlert.com again.   If Findtoto.com could offer some additional services (like the flyer/business alert service at PetAmberAlert), they would rock.  Overall, I dont feel I got much value of either site, and because they aren’t able to tell me exactly what they did, It feels like a scam.

O.k. thats it for me tonight.  The cats are home safe, the pet door is locked, and I’m am exhausted.   I have more to write about all sorts of things, but that will just have to wait until tomorrrow.

Sophie’s Missing.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

My heart just hurts.. I cannot focus on anything. My little girl has been missing since Friday night.  She came home for dinner…  went out, and hasn’t returned.  I’m just beside myself.

I’ve created flyers and posted them all over the neighborhood. I called the SPCA and they aren’t open today (its Easter).  I’ve posted and paid for automated calls to the neighbors via findtoto.com. my baby is missing, It’s raining like mad here… no one has called me.. where is she?!?

I have a big demo tomorrow, and I cannot think of anything by my darling girl.  I’m struggling to keep the tears back, I have zero interest in software at the moment.

Please send well wishes my way – I want my baby home safe and sound and I’ll take all the well wishes I can get!

Connecting Family and Friends.

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One very good way to get out of a funk is to help others.

I did a fun thing today – I went to my best friends mothers house to set up a wireless network and help setup a new computer.   It was so much fun for me.  Her excitement about “getting connected”, to be able to email her family and friends from wherever they travel.

I love being around folks that are excited about technology, that want to use it to connect with people.  I have so much patience when the folks I’m helping are alive with energy, excited about “new stuff”, and clearly appreciative of just a bit of help.  With my help, she is now connected with her family – her kids… the most important part of her life.

So, now I’m home, on a Saturday night working on a demo. But its all worth it because I had a fabulous day today.

NAFTA.

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No political statements tonight, just some good fun.

My favorite episode of Family Guy is on – Its the one with Peter and Bill Clinton, its called Bill and Peter’s Bogus Journey.  Its hysterical…  but the funniest lines are as follows:

Bill Clinton: Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois Griffin: What’s that?
Bill Clinton: ‘Nother Afternoon F**king That Ass!

Honestly, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about these lines in some way, shape, or form.  The way I think of this scene is probably along the same lines of how many times a guy thinks about sex… ALL THE TIME.  I can’t help it, it just pops into my head.

Anyway, for those of you who have not seen this episode, watch it, it is truly a classic.  BTW, the episode you can purchase on iTunes DOES NOT include this line, I dont know why. Its only on the TV and DVD version..

Mid-Week Status.

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So, I’ve been busy lately. Yes,  I WAS feeling sorry for myself, but as I mentioned in my last blog,  I’m over that. The pity party is ooovvvvveerrr.

I have dedicated myself to my fitness goals – I am a full week into working out every day. 7 days of doing something.  I signed up for a personal trainer and am doing resistance training to “lose the jiggle”.  My birthday is in 5 weeks – I’m shooting for a 10lb loss.  Its possible if I exercise every day, cut back on what I eat, and if need be, temporarily stop drinking.

A friend of mine referred me to the GM diet – thats right, the General Motors Weight Loss Diet.  A couple friend of mine said they do it every year, and use it to cleanse and get them back on track (meaning lose the winter lbs and get ready to expose their gorgeous, lean bodies during the warm summer months in Northern California). They are both lean and mean… look awesome in bathing suits (I saw pictures from their latest body revealing vaca – awesome!).

So, at some point in April, I’m going to do the GM diet.  I think its completely doable, and if it will help me shed the unwanted/unneeded lbs, well then that is part of the answer. I’m doing everything else as I should be…. why not add a bit of extremism to the mix?

If anyone has other suggestions please let me know.  My birthday is in early May so I have 5 weeks from this blog entry to “make it happen”.  I’m looking forward to the challenge, I will let you all know how it goes!!

Pity Party Is Over.

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Survival lately has seemed like a struggle.  I have strived for the very best, but right now, it seems like I’m asking for too much. Sometimes I wished I could just compromise.. and let go, cut corners, be the same as everyone else.   I wonder if I’m just expecting too much…  and should just let go of what I want/need (safe housing, loving and paticipative partner, fantastic lover, etc. ) and get what I can. 

As of right now, my pity party has lasted exactly 6 full days.  I’ve been walking around, all depresso, feeling sorry for myself.  It will be a week this Wednesday.  I’m not one for a pity party, so i’m getting sick of myself (its as if I am starting to stink.. you know?).    If I were my friend I would have lost patience on Friday…

So, just like My List (of charming attributes) I’ve created a Contract with Myself  (and of course posted it for all to see) remind myself of what is reasonable to want/need and what I need to focus on.  a list to remind me of what kind of person I want to be.  My depresso attitude is frankly, boring me right now.

I have had reached my limit of cocktails for this evening (yes, I know, bad grammer, but it goes to show that I have indeed have had too much to drink), so I’m heading to bed early.  I’m focused on making tomorrow and all the following days better.  I realize that there are many others that are better off than I am….  and as envious as I am of the rich, beautiful, and gifted, I do have all my limbs and I’m NOT living in Afganistan right now… these are things to be grateful for.

Housing Frustrations.

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I’ve done a small bit of financial organization this year.  Now that the market has “cooled” here in the Bay Area, I would like to own a litte casa of my own.  Just a small place for me and the cats to settle in.

Being the planner that I am, I went to a mortgage broker to pre-qualify, so I would know what I can search for/afford.  Well, guess what?  A) I dont make as much money as I have in the past, and b) The reporting laws on rental properties has changed.  I CANNOT even afford to live in Little Mexico next to the freeway.  Thats right.  Thanks to all the folks who did zero down on multiple properties, they have changed the way they “estimate” a lendees income and expenses on rental properties…   In addition, my income has gone down the last 2 years…  I’ve not made much money (took a pay cut for upside opportunities at the new company… which has never panned out).

This happened last Wednesday, and I’ve been stewing about it ever since. I’m frustrated for several reasons:

  • That I dont have enough income to qualify for more than a fixer upper in a bad neighborhood.
  • That a break-even rental property would hinder my ability to purchase a primary residence (on that I put 20% down on and still shows its worth more than is owed on it).

I am a responsible person with very little debt, and I CANNOT afford to purchase a condo, much less a townhouse, and I can completely forget owning a home ….    unless, of course, i want to live in a unsafe neighborhood just mere blocks from the freeway. Check this out, one of the few houses in my price range:  http://www.redfin.com/CA/San-Mateo/205-S-Humboldt-St-94401/home/1675784 

Yes, I have considered moving to an area where housing costs are more reasonable, but given the divorce, I really want/need to be close to my friends. Otherwise, I would literally NEVER get out of the house.  So my choices are to continue to rent in an area that I feel safe and is close to my friends, OR if I want to own, I will have to move out of the Bay Area entirely.  Bums me out that there is no in-between.  I’ve had a bit of a pity party these last few days about it….

I’m cranky… really cranky about it.  but I’ll find a way to fix it.  Even if it means continue to rent for another year and save more money, selling the rental property in a down market.   I’m still looking at options right now…  these are two potential ideas that are not that appealing.

Sigghh.

My Reclusive Years.

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I had lunch with a friend last week, a very good friend.  I have known him for years, since college.  He and I moved to San Francisco at the same time and have always stayed friends.  He is fantastic… 

Anyway, at lunch, he asked me if I was out of my reclusive period yet.  I laughed, but he is/was right.  I’ve not reached out to many people in two years.  My layoff/seperation was two years ago. My divorce became final a year ago (thanks to the persistent work of The Ex).  I’ve not gotten out much, even with close friends.  I have stayed home, removed myself from the world and all its goings-on, so that I could recover.

I do not love lightly.  I fall and fall hard.  I give it my all.  To me, for me, relationships are the most important aspect of life.  The people that you take care of, that take care of you, NOT out of obligation, but because of geniuine care and concern for that persons well-being – that is priceless.  I do talk about this a lot because I could not have made it thru these last few years without my friends. I can name a 1/2 dozen folks who I can attribute my recovery to.  I thank god everyday that I have these folks in my life. 

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this one phrase, “the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less”.  In my marriage, I did not have the power, I had the exact opposite.  Zero power.  So why is it, that the person with the power, does nothing with it?  Now I want to be the one with the power.. but to care, to love, is to give up the power. To take risks.  Of all things to take a risk on, isn’t love the best one?

I still am in shock how absent my EX really was, how many other relationships he had while we were married, how he said he wanted to still be married while carrying on with others.  The person he bacame.  I was fooled, fooled in a big way.  Not that I’m a victim, I knew things weren’t right, butI didn’t want to give up.  My partner had already given up and moved on.  So why would he do what he did? Why would’t he just move on?

 I think I have been reclusive because, honestly,  I just dont want to get hurt again.   Playing it safe, not putting myself out there, boxing myself into a ‘persona’ if you will, the Crazy Cat Lady….  its been safe and comfortable. Keeps me in the power seat…

For whatever reason, it hit me last week – I’m alone.  Not lonely, just alone.  I have begun thinking about what its going to take to meet someone, to have someone around that wants to be with me, where we have fun, laugh a lot, and in general, enjoy each others company.  The thought is a bit overwhelming, but it has now entered my realm of possibility.  I think that things happen for a reason – that your brain lets you think about things that you can/are able to contemplate….

At the very least, I know of some folks that will be happy to see me again.