Dating

All things related to dating and meeting new people.

Totally Drained. Emotionally Spent. Nothing Left to Give.

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These last 3 weeks have been brutal.  I have been traveling non-stop to Boston for 3 weeks for my new job to get up to speed on new technology, messaging, and relationships.   I’m just recovered from a  bad cold.  A friendship I really enjoyed somehow went from fun to fatal in my absense.  My dad has not recovered from his surgery and is not doing well. My nieces car engine needs to be replaced so she can get to/from school and work.   And tonight, while at dinner with colleagues, I received a call from some crazy lady back home who has trapped my cat inside her house.    She is going to let her go tonight – but who does that??  Sophie, the cat, only travels/adventures out when I’m gone too long, heads out to look for me (or love.. maybe food)…. breaks my heart. 

The experience of processing everything that is going on and trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward has left me emotionally spent.  My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and completely run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….  I’m numb.

I know that life is busy and full of challenges… most of the time I can handle it, and sometimes even with grace.  Other times, like now, it just takes a toll.  I have zero room for anything else right now…. I have nothing else to give.  And I still have two more days of training in cold, grey Boston….  an expensive car bill… an unhappy/trapped cat.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get thru the rest of the week.  Friday can’t come soon enough.

I cannot wait to come home, spend time with friends, see the cats, and reconnect with myself .

Dear Paula Letter.

PaulasPonderings6 Comments

I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Marketing Matters.

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This was a statement from a very good friend of mine at dinner this evening.  It was said in the context of business, but as I thought about it, it applies to a lot of things , including one’s personal life.

So its been years since I’ve dated, and now that I’m almost 40, I will begin dating as an ‘older person’… this line struck very close to home.

Dating at 40 is not easy.  Men that are available are either married or just out of marriages and interested in just getting out there and/or dating younger women. I think its just a phase (as I explained to my friend), but it is what it is.  My opinion is that eventually these men will come to and realize that what they really want is a partner; someone that cares about them, that they care about, that the feeling is mutual, and the sex is great.   He agreed.  It is sometimes this simple.

The point my friend was making is that no matter what, “Marketing Matters”; so the way you present yourself is key.  His first recommendation was that I NOT wear the pants I had on as they are not flattering…    I don’t often look at what I put on, I just throw it on..  and the pants I threw on were my Trade Show pants (those of you in the software business knows what this means).   His point was that no matter whatever you are doing – from building/selling a company to grocery shopping,  that the way you market and present yourself matters.

I had not thought about it this way, but right now his advice is ringing true – if you want to draw something/someone into your life, well then, dress the part!!  So, I need new pants (and this is NOT the first time I’ve heard this… I was told this very same thing by someone else while in a different pair of pants).. and I need to walk a bit taller, exude confidence, and just be myself, and get some new pants.

Again, its about putting myself out there, and putting myself out there in the right pants.  😉  Kidding of course.   I do get the message and I thank my dear friend for making it.   I consider myself enlightened.

Secret Sauce.

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So, what is it about people that makes them “click” with other people?  You know, that chance encounter that turns into a lifelong friendship, that glance that turns into a lifetime partner?

I was thinking about this tonight as I missed my friends……  how much I love them, how much I miss them when they are away, how much I want to take care of them, and how much I want the very best for them, even if it takes them away from me. 

My friendships with my dearest friends started based on chance encounters… a meeting thru a mutual friend, thru work, and/or over commonalities discovered thru cocktailing (half joking)…..  Either way, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that there is now a compartment, a piece of my heart, dedicated to “my peeps”, and I would absolutely feel their absence, be heart broken if any one of them were to not exist in my everyday life.

So, I wont think about this anymore.  Just a “private” note to tell all my dear friends out there that I love and adore you, think of you often (even when I dont reach out), and only wish you what I consider the very best – true happiness.

No Strings Attached.

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Work has been brutal…. we recently had a meeting, a territory review. The best thing I can say about it is that I walked away with my job… no dignity left intact, and no respect for the leadership at my company.  A co-worker and I were commiserating over drinks at the airport… about the meeting, how we felt about it, pondering the next steps…

The job market is tough right now, and I feel both concerned about losing my job and the need to really get away.  I told my co-worker that if i was laid off, I wanted to go on a long-term adventure, and asked him what he recommended.  He preceeded to tell me about two trips he and his 1st wife had taken to Napal.  It opened the door to talk about his 1st wife and their life together…. It was a great trip, he has really fond memories of the trip, and overall of his life with his 1st wife.   I asked him why he married again?  He said he liked that kind of bond, the closeness he had/has found in his marriages.  He then told me that I shouldn’t worry, that I would marry again someday.  I gasped…almost choked on my beverage.  There is no way that I could do THAT again.

Of course (the Paula in me!) that got me thinking about my own Marriage, how I dreamed it would be, how it actually was, and of course, the dissolution of it.  I’m sitting on an airplane now, glass of wine in hand, pondering how it all happened, and why I reacted so strongly against the idea of getting married again. 

My marriage was a good one by most standards, having all the trappings of a good life; two young, successful, financially stable, good looking people finding each other, marrying each other, buying a beautiful house in the burbs, etc..  But as I look back on it, it was a lonely place for me. I spent most of my marriage alone, wishing, wanting, waiting for a “real” partner.

I tell myself all I want is to be with someone that wants to be with me. I dont want a certificate, a kid, obligation of any kind to keep my man around. I want someone to be/stay with me because they are happy there to show up and no other reason.  If they become dissatisfied for any reason and want out, all I ask is that they summon up the courage to tell me they are leaving/want out.  I will gladly help them back their bags.  Its not worth it to me to keep something “together” when both parties aren’t completely and totally into it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of finding a soulmate, someone who truly gets me, and I look forward to the day when I can again experience the bliss that comes with finding the person who loves my quirks ( I have only a few .. 😉  ) and finds me perfectly imperfect.  I am excited and look forward to caring and taking care of another human being.  I’m just saying that if I do ever find this person,  I will hold onto it, enjoy each day for what it is, every moment we have together, because I do believe, there will come a day that I become imperfect to this person and they will want out.  And I want them to know that while we had a good run, if the love is gone, they should be going.  Life is too short to be unhappy.

So, why do I say this?  Because my marriage was a very lonely place for me, and I’m pretty sure it was for the soon-to-be-ex (STBE) as well. I want a relationship filled with passion, intimacy, love, honesty, trust, NOT one that is unfullfilled, obliged to out of guilt, a marriage license, kids, etc.. Here is how this perspective came to be.

  • DREAMS.  I absolutely loved the STBE… feel completely head over heads for him.  I was so enamored with him, he was for me, perfectly imperfect.  He really couldn’t do anything wrong and all I wanted to do was take care of him.

We had some big things come into our lives that shook us up for sure.. work stress, an unexpected live-in experience with a wild teenager, medical issues, etc.  but these are the times when you are supposed to pull together, not apart. And we, given the opportunity to pull together, we couldn’t pull together. We did not lean or count on each other.

  • THE TRUTH.  Looking back on “us”, I dont think he felt the same way about me, but was more mesmerized by the love I showered onto him; having someone fawn over you on a daily basis can be intoxicating (I’m guessing, its never happened to me).  Compound this with his family and friends telling him how great I was (I am fabulous!!).  It’s hard, if not impossible, to keep your head about yourself when someone thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread.  When the eyes you look into every day/night sees a different, better version of you…

I believe quite possibly that the STBE didn’t love me when he married me, and even worse, was unhappy for most of our marriage.  I dont think he will ever have the courage to tell me this, but its what I believe now that I have some clarity and emotional distance from the relationship.

The honeymoon was way over after 6 months of marriage.  I felt like a check-box, like he had a list of things he wanted to do, marriage was one, check, off to the next big thing: triathalons and ironmans.  He disappeared, worked-out a lot, priortizing work and work-outs over time together.  it was a choice he made, and based on where he found happiness. 

  • THE END. My marriage, our marriage, for me, was a very lonely place. When I talked to him about it, he said that my need for and intimacy and connection was my “twin thing” (yes, Paula’s a twin). I thought its what two people shared when they were in touch with their partners, they care for the person they have chosen . He obviously felt differently.

It took a lot of brutal honesty and courage to end my marriage (you guessed it, I’m patting myself on the back, go Paula!!).  You can say that you will do a lot of things to fix it, but it all comes down to actions: are you willing to do anything to have a successful relationship? If the answer is no, then part amicibly, its best for both parties. I do know that I tried absolutely everything to try to get it back on track.  And this is enough for me – I gave it my best shot, my all.

In the end, his actions revealed his true feelings.   He lived with me for years, ambiguous to my presence, pointing out my imperfections, treating me as though I wasn’t as good/smart/athletic as he was. I didn’t see this for a long time, I didn’t want to see it…. but I finally did in April of last year. It was a few really sharp/mean comments from him, the condom in his suitcase after a trip, his non-communicative style; I realized, he was unhappy too, he just didn’t want to admit it or be the “bad guy”. So, I did it, it was hard… but it was absolutely the best thing for the both of us.

So no, I dont ever want to get married again, at least not the kind of married I experienced, its a very lonely place.  I’m happy now, relieved to not be responsible …  happy to be free.  Now, If someone comes along and we experience a true connection, passion, and have a lot of fun together, fabulous… but it will come with brutal honesty and no certificate, it will be over when someone becomes unhappy or disinterested…. It will be a happy place for the both of us, no expectations and no strings attached.