Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

keep-calm-move-on-from-ex-boyfriendSo tonight was the night.  I had dinner with A-Train, as we do many nights, and he let me have it.  The breakup. It’s happened.  He said the following:

  • He will always love me, love my quirkiness
  • wants to remain friends (this is a shocker, he always told me that if we broke up I’d never see him again, that I would be “on my own”)
  • That I’m super special, I don’t know it, and it will upset him to no end if I end up with someone who doesn’t recognize it or treat me as well as he did
  • That now I can “move on” and date whom I’d like (he said it as if I had someone in the pipe)
  • AND that he is going away this weekend…

All his topics caught me by surprise, however, the last one was “it” for me.  I know men – they don’t break up with someone unless they have someone waiting for them.  Every boyfriend/husband I’ve been with this has been the case.  Men don’t move on unless they already have someone else.

I don’t know who the ATrain has met or where he is going, but he is on a natural high, he is now rich beyond belief and it doesn’t surprise me that he’s “found” a new woman.  He even told me tonight that women ask him how I’m doing, in anticipation that we have broken up so they can pounce.  Is he a catch? Totally.  Is this what I need to hear while he is breaking up with me? Absolutely Not.

So there you have it. I’m back on the market.  All 43 years of me, worn, weathered, battered, beaten beyond belief, in no shape or form to date.  I’ll need to get healthy before I get back out there, which given the way I do it, I’ll be reclusive for the next 6-12 months, focus on my health.  Maybe now I can lose my extra weight (because I’m hiding away??).. who the hell knows.

What am I going to do?  I’m going to recover, focus on my career, lose some weight and get my confidence back. THEN I will begin dating again. Then, maybe then, I’ll meet someone who wants a partner in crime, someone to wants to be taken care of AND wants to take care of someone…   WE shall see.

Boy am I tired.  Life has got to be/get easier.  Will this breakup make my life easier?  Time will tell. For now, I’m surprised that it happened now but not surprised that it happened. And it will hurt like hell when I find out who ATrain is courting (it always hurts to know you’ve been lied to)..

Very Close to Done.

keep-calm-and-carry-onI’ve had on my to-do list to clean and organize my new cottage.  Yes, the cottage I moved into over a year ago.  I’m not super happy with the place, but when you go into financial trouble, you do what you have to make things work.  Well… I did. My sister sure wouldn’t…

Anyway, its been over a year since I moved into the cottage.  13 months to be exact.  And I have another year to go. So it is ridiculous to me that I just don’t settle in and make it “my space”.   So now my New Year’s Resolution is to go balls-out with it – I got rid of bags and bags of stuff.. got rid of a few pieces of furniture, and am now framing some special pictures..

Close to done means that I’m close to having the space I want – a peaceful space without clutter and work.  I want a place to relax in, like my own spa, for myself, all the time.  :-).  I’m about 2 weeks away from this.. I’m excited.  I’m looking forward  to spending my time learning to sew again, or walk more, NOT decluttering and cleaning up.

As I type this I realize that “Close to Done” means a lot of things..  Decluttering my life is really what it is about. And I’m working on it… and so much closer to the end now.  2015 is the year of “The Paula”.. to have this kind of year, I have to in a comfortable and happy state. It’s February now and I’ve come so far…  I cant wait for March, April, or May .. Oh My!!

 

 

Effortless & Natural.

effortless and natural  I’ve been obsessing about my relationships these days…  Why? Because its time .. time to “pull a Paula” and put together a T-Graph of pro’s and cons..  do I have time for this? Not at all. These last few weeks at work have SUCKED … yesterday I got to the point where my mind was a blur ad I could no longer physically see anything. I went home, got in the bathtub, and cried for about 20 minutes.  It got me through today.  Happy Friday everyone.

So why am I thinking about “Effortless & Natural”?  I’m reflecting on my relationships.  The one I’m in now was E&N for the first 6 months, but its been soooo hard these last 3 years.  The last 3 years of my marriage was difficult – see anything in common?  Yeah, me too. I try my damnest to make something work that just isn’t meant to be.

When I met my now ex husband, I had that lighting bolt feeling, that time moment where time stood still for what seems like forever.  Then  and everything we experienced felt so effortless and natural…  I knew he was the one until I learned he was sticking his dick in other peoples vaginas…

Then I met My Mr. Big… same thing.. lightening bolts.   Our relationship worked for me, seemed so effortless and natural.. but alas, he disappeared.

Then I had a long string of dating mishaps… until I met ATrain… whom I’ve dated for 3+ years and we are not committed.  I felt bolts when we first met, but then I spent soooo much time seeking his approval (vs. asking for what I want/need) and in work hell… now, I feel I look at the relationship and realize that he is doing me a favor!  I think he wants to break up with me but not hurt me….  I know, crazy.. Who doesn’t want to be with Paula?!!?!?

Maybe its me – but I’m becoming much more clear on what I want, what I need, and where I see my life going.  As strange as this sounds, I want someone who:

  • trusts me, and who I can trust (integrity is a must)
  • is a partner, someone that truly has my back
  • wants to take care of me – and this DOESN”T make me a gold-digger…  which is a huge epiphany for me
  • lets me take care of them (none of us can go it alone)

I love ATrain, love him. Can’t imagine my life without him. I love his strong personality. But for the last 3 years he hasn’t made room for me, for my personality, for the things I want and need…  There is only room for ATrain for himself and his son in his life.  As I reflect,  I realize that he never made room for me because I was soooo accommodating.  What do I mean?  I just wanted to make him happy and making him happy was a full-time job.  I gave him control, and with that he turned into a demanding 4 year old.  And now he is used to having someone of my caliber and quality around without having to work for it.

I’m looking for Effortless and Natural…   tell me your experiences … are you married to E&N?  How does your relationship work?

A Warm Welcome to 2015!

2015-in waterI’m super excited about 2015.  I started working on having a good 2015 in September.  2014 and 2013 were bad years for me.  I gave up on 2014 being a good year something in July and began focusing on 2015.  2013 and 2014 were almost worst than the year I got separated/divorced.  Different struggles but equally if not more difficult.   Ugghhh, so glad that 2014 is over.

Anyway, enough about the bad times, I’m off to a great start to have another Year of the Paula (like 2010-2012).  Like I mentioned, I started in September – I stopped waiting for my managers to recognize my work and took action. I found a new job, better title and pay.  So far its been great. The company culture feels more like home to me.  Because my paycheck is larger, I was able to refinance my home.   Now I’m starting 2015 more financially secure than I’ve been in a couple of years and its feels wonderful.  There is more to do, but I feel confident I can make it happen.  With that, here are my goals for this year:

  1. Get Body Confident.  I’m tired of feeling fat, letting my fat get in the way of doing what I want, getting what I deserve.  I’ve spent so many years, since 2006, feeling bad about my weight, feeling bad about myself, losing confidence in myself year after year.  This year no more.  I will lose the weight and get comfortable about where I end up.  So, what does this mean?
    • Lose weight. I’m 132 – that is about 20 pounds overweight for my 5’2″ frame.   I was 100 pounds for most of my adult life, I got married at 30-something at 112 pounds.  It’s time I get back to the weight I’m comfortable with at OR shut up about it.
    • Exercise more.  I need to get more active.  I stopped working out regularly about 2 years ago, when I was working with Man Hands down at Cisco. I’ve never really gotten back into it.  This is the year. I’ve committed to working out 2 nights a week – I joined a yoga studio and signed up for a belly dancing class.  I will try these classes for 3 months and figure out what I want to do next.
    • Address my stomach issues.  I have, for many years, had significant stomach issues.  I used to wake up sick in the mornings, so sick that drinking water would  have me dry heaving in the shower.  In 2014 I went to see a nutritionist and fixed this problem (thank god!) but I still have significant “flare ups” with my stomach and intestines.  I am going to address this once and for all.  I am starting 2015 with a diet change – I’m going Paleo.  And I’m going back to the nutritionist.   I was inspired by Danielle Walkers story (AgainstAllGrain) – and now I’m ready to take back my life.
  2. Take Charge of my Career.  I’m doing it – I’ve met more with my manager in the last 3 months than I did my entire tenure at my last job.  Why?  Because I thought my managers would recognize the great work I was doing. Did they? No.  And when I asked for what I deserved, we were on very different pages.  Didn’t bode well for either of us.  So I’m not going to let that happen again.  My goal is to have a meeting with my manager 1x a month to discuss my career, my progress, and set myself up for promotions and an executive position.  I am a great worker, a good leader, and highly qualified. With my manager’s guidance I am going to do very well.
  3. Me.  I need to work on me.  I have a few issues that I want to deal with – I didn’t recognize it until I sat down with ATrain and really discussed our relationship – where we are, where we want to be, where I WANT to be.  Two issues in current relationship are the same ones I had in my marriage, and I am the common link there.  Me.  What I have today is similar in some respects to what I had in my marriage.  I’m with someone who has integrity (my EX did not) so the conversations are much more real, more open, honest, and revealing.  So I will seek out a counselor this year and work through some bad habits and become more aware of what I want, what I need, and the changes I need to make- mental and behavior – to get what I want.

I think that is it.  It is a lot but I’m ready for it.  I need a change, I need my life to be different, and I’m in charge of making this happen.

I loved 2010 and 2011 and 2012.  They were GREAT years for me for the most part.  I want more of these kind of years.  And to get more of these years, I need to know myself better, treat myself better, and give myself permission to have it all!

I wish you all a great 2015 – may all your dreams and aspirations be realized.

Where is My Mr. Big?

happy-coupleI miss him.  I know I’ve done a lot these last few years, and maybe I have been hard to track down given all my moves, but a day doesn’t go by where I wonder where My Mr. Big is and how he is doing.  Is he happy?  Does he wonder where I am? Does he wish things had ended differently? Does he wonder if I still think about him?  For me, what we shared was the most simple and honest of all my relationships.  I understood and liked his quirks. I thought he felt the same.  If we had questions or were confused, we confronted them.  There were no elephants in our closet (like there had been in my marriage)…

Given the way he disappeared, I don’t expect to ever see him again (bummer for me as he was a good-looking man, and laying my eyes on that piece of man candy would be awesome!).  I would love to see him, if only briefly, to get a better understanding  of what he was going through, what was going on in his head when he decided to move on.  What was on the other end that was worth giving up what we shared?  I’m not  judging, I just would just like to know.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head, it would be nice to put the ideas to rest and know the truth, no matter what it is.

I think of “us” now, especially as I move onto yet another phase in my life. I wonder what it would be like to have him by my side. If he would support it, steer me in a different direction…  I respected him, his experience, and his advice.  And to some degree, wonder what it would be like to have him by my side.

If anything, I don’t understand why people who loved each other so much can’t stay in contact, be friends, be supporters, be the cheerleaders we all need in our lives.  I’m not a jealous person, so I don’t get how people can choose to drop out of someone’s life … if you loved someone at one time, don’t you still love/admire those qualities about that person?

Anyway, this is a short post about missing someone who is special to me.  He taught me about love, passion, and happiness, and that all of it IS possible with a partner (vs. on your own). I know how to get there on my own, but the cats meow is when you can get all of the above WITH a partner.  Thank you Mr. Big. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, smiling, and at peace with yourself.   xoxo.

Spending A Few Nights In.

2013_03_Sophie_and_ZoeyI FINALLY heard from FreeBird.  I sent her a few emails AND actually left a VM (I hate voicemail and recorded messages in general) for her to no avail.  I was so worried about her!  Now I know that she is not only O.K., but she is fabulous!  Life is changing for her, for the better, and she is going to be moving closer to me… since it’s all about me, how fabulous is this?!?  I will be seeing her soon, possibly next Friday.

I’ve also spent the last few nights in. With myself.  I should have worked both nights, or unpacked, done laundry, cleaned the house, etc., but instead I sautéed some veggies, made some cupcakes, drank a lot of wine, watched a season of Mad Men, and now finishing up a season of Parks And Recreation.  Tonight’s going to be a late night as I can’t procrastinate any longer – I have a lot of status reports due to my management by noon tomorrow.

A few thoughts that have run through my head:

  • I went to lunch today with my colleagues and asked the waitress about the treatment of the farm animals that are now meat on their menu. I asked in a nice way, but yes, I’m still on my non-violence to farm animals kick.  My stomach still turns thinking about what the chicks, pigs, and cows endure.
  • I think I’m over my jet lag.  Got up at 8am this morning and heading to bed soon.
  • Since my new diet (sans meat) and dairy (I hate milk but I love yogurt and cheese),  I’ve not had any stomach issues.

Another thought that is constantly on my mind –  Money and Relationships.  The furniture in my current cottage was purchased at yard sales or on Craigslist. The entire living room cost me $170. Why was I so frugal?  Because I was $3000 dollars away from being homeless.  If I had lost my job in Nov. ’13, I would have been living on C-Licious’ couch.  If I hadn’t rented out my house OR my condo in Utah, I’m sure one, or both of these places would be in foreclosure right now.   I feel super lucky to have survived.  Things have improved for me in the sense that I have more of a cash cushion now (not much, but more) but I still worry sick about it.  All the time. Every minute of every day.  I will be working and all of a sudden I will have a panic attack about it.  I’m done with this level of stress.  This is why my major NYR this year is to get as debt-free as possible.  I plan to pay off all my debt and sell all my non-CA properties so that all I have is my CA home mortgage.  That way if I ever get in a bad place again, I’ll be able to handle it on my current salary.  Once I get rid of the debt, I’m back to my saving ways.

For those of you who don’t know, I purchased and remodeled the house of my dreams. It’s on a big lot, or what is considered a big lot in Northern CA.  I have so many dreams, so many plans….. I  love this house.  BUT I don’t live there. I rent it out. I live in a tiny 1 bedroom cottage at the back of a small cottage.  It’s a converted garage.  Makes me want to convert my garage to a studio/1 bedroom… which I will do after I a) get debt free, and b) have a large cash cushion.

So where is this story going?  ATrain offered to buy me a couch and I took him up on it.  Just as I’m trying to make a break, to get some space from him and our relationship, he offers to make my life a little bit easier, and I wasn’t able to say no.  My current couch needs to be re-upholstered – it needs new cushions and fabric. Its cheaper to re-upholster the current couch than a buy a new couch, but I can afford neither.  ATrain gave me money for a new couch (he doesn’t like the old couch).  I officially ordered the new couch yesterday. It will be here in 3 weeks. It’s exactly what I want –  a couch with chaise in the exact color I want.  I’ve never had exactly what I wanted before… I’m giddy with excitement, but at the same time I’m stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations that I think it will bring.  I do plan to resell all my living room furniture to help pay for the couch, but even if I break even, its pennies on the dollar compared to the cost of my new couch.

O.k. enough procrastination.  I’ve got to get my status reports done. I’ll get it done.  AND I do have a date tomorrow, with my girlfriend Hannah – we are going to a charity event, set up and paid for by ATrain, but still, it’s an opportunity to get dressed up and go out!  I’ll take pictures and share what I can…

Moral of the story – even while sitting at home I can find plenty to do that doesn’t include work or housecleaning. 😉

Making Changes.

life-changes-imageI’m back.  In the midst of changing my life for the better and making time to write.  I will make it a regular occurrence to post from now on – it’s an outlet that I’ve missed these last few months.

I’m in New York right now. One of my best friends is getting married today.  I saw her for the first time in a long time last night and she looked so happy, excited, content.  She just glowed and so did her fiance.  Their energy permeated the room – it was such a special time and I was so honored to be there, sharing such a special moment with them.  Made me tear up.  My friend deserves all the happiness in the world – she is one of the most kind, generous, and honest people I know.  I am grateful for our friendship.

Anyway, I have made some significant changes in my life,  and I am working towards a more peaceful, happy existence.

The first big change is at work. I have changed roles at my current company, and am now doing a job that comes natural to me.  I love what I do, I love my new manager.  A good manager makes all the difference in the world.  She is amazing, and I’m so happy to be under her wing.  I now have a balance of life, I’m engaged with my girlfriends again, and also have time for myself.

The second big change is where I’m spending my time.  I’m doing what I love  again- connecting with my girlfriends.  I’m making the time for the ladies I love, the ones that have held my hand through the happiest, toughest, roughest, and darkest parts of my life – the years with AbFab, my divorce and the following reclusive years, the year of dating, my job challenges (Man Hands).  I don’t know what I would do without their help and support, it feels so good to be back in their company.

I’ve got a few more things to work on…

  • I’ve got some weight to lose… which isn’t new.  I complain about it, it greatly effects my confidence and self-esteem, but I’m not doing anything about it.  It’s a simple fix – stop eating and drinking so much and work out more.  I don’t know why this is, why I sabotage myself; keep myself down.  I just bug myself sometimes.
  • My relationship.  I love my boyfriend but it’s just feels really hard to keep our relationship in good standing.  Relationships require a lot of work, and I’m tired – I’m certainly not being a good girlfriend, I don’t think I know how to do it.  I think that love doesn’t conquer everything – I feel like we are trying to shove a square peg in a round hole… we are two different people who have different definitions for relationship.  Neither one of us is bad – we are just different, and that is o.k.  I still want him in my life, I love him, I care for him.  But I don’t think we were meant to be together in a traditional relationship.  And that is o.k.. But I do waffle about this – this is how I feel today.. tomorrow it could be completely different.  I need to figure out what I want/need and make it happen.
  • Finances.  I’ve really got to figure this out…  with the new role came a lot less $$.  I need to really cut back on expenses, which means I need to get real honest with myself and what I need.  I have real estate I need to just let go of.  I’ve always wanted to own a place in Utah and stay there when I visit my family… but I can’t afford it.  I have a condo that I love – but instead of enjoying it, I subsidize my tenants lifestyle.  That is reality.

So I commit to sharing my journey of change with you again…

Reconnecting.

Hello friends.

I know I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been working WAY TOO MUCH.  I’ve not had a second to myself, let alone for anyone else.  So much has happened since May…

First and foremost, I am alive. Just barely.. I’ve been working 80+ hours for months now.  Working on a work project that has consumed my life and not in a good way.  I gained the 10 pounds I lost last year, I am working for a woman who I can I only describe as grotesque.  Needless to say I’m looking for a new job.

Professionally I’ve exhausted myself – I’m completely burned out.  Totally spent.  I love the company I work for, I hate the person I’m working with.  I do love the other 95% of the people, but unfortunately to stay in my region I have to work with the person I’m working with. And IMO, life it just too short to work with poisonous people.  So on the hunt I go.

My personal relationships have suffered.  I have not seen most of my friends for months now…  and the ones I have seen it has felt rushed. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

Just because I’ve not written doesn’t mean I’ve not kept up with you, my favorite bloggers.  I love you GG and PG.. you both have kept me going this year.  Even though I’ve not responded to either of you, I love your posts. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me. When I’ve needed a connection after long hours at the office, you are the first two I’ve turned to.   I’m also interested in Struggling Dad..  Anyone know what happened to him? Did he drop communication due to life’s complexities or can catch up with him on another blog site?

Regarding my main relationship, I’m in one, which is even surprising to me.  ATrain has stuck with me, has taken care of me and the girls – He is a great dad/father to the cats, and a great partner to me.  He has made more than his fair share of salads, dinners, and plans.  I’ve been an absentee partner for the most part, I’m lucky to have him, that he has been so patient with me. I tear up thinking about his kindness and generosity towards me over the last 6 months. 

For those of you that have gotten this far, I was able to purchase the house I remodeled and was living in. The ironic thing is that the girls and I now live with ATrain so I am trying to rent my home.  I’m renting it furnished. I did not have a problem renting it in August.  I’ve got 3 people interested for September. I am on the hook to show it to these folks during Labor Day Weekend.

I’m in Boston this week working and visiting with one of my best friends who stopped blogging years ago Unicorns and Rainbows. I do wish she would start blogging again – she has been doing interesting things and I’m sure her parents and I (along with you) would love to know the latest and greatest.

So, if I had to summarize  my position right now I would say that I’m feeling fat, un-confident, searching for a new path/job/lot in life, have a great support system with my boyfriend ATrain, friends C-Licious, Free Bird, Smarty Pants,  and family including Mom and Dad, AbFab, Lil’ Darlin, and my Twin. I just need to get off my ass and do something to change where I’m at, the situation I’m in. Stop complaining and DO SOMETHING.

I’ll write more and post pictures of my Santa Cruz weekend soon.

Thanks for reading.

On “PTO” and a Few Random Thoughts.

So, I’ve taken Today and tomorrow, Thursday and Friday as  “PTO”, Personal Time Off .  I still need to work a little bit, largely due to my OCD….  I have to do it.  I can’t not do it, which intrigues me – I’m so tired of working, soooo tired of working nights and weekends…. I finally get a few days off, and I work.  I know why – I know it will make a difference.  And my name is on it.  I’m only as good as my work.  I DO NOT, will not deliver shoddy, less than perfect work. Thus, my working during my PTO.

I’m in Utah now, staying at my parents house (I love my parents, I can’t even remember why I didn’t like them anymore). The plan was to attend AbFab’s college graduation ceremony on Saturday.  I just found out today that there won’t be one.  I’m not disappointed for myself – I get to spend time with AbFab in a less structured environment.. but I’m disappointed for her. I really wanted her to go thru the ceremony.  She has worked very hard to complete this program (she’s a Pharmacy Tech, works at a local hospital, mixing and dispensing meds to patients, how cool is that?!?!?).   I wanted her to experience an “end” of her hard work..  to solidify the end and a new beginning…   This is just my want for her, she seems to be fine with her choices so I’ll move on.

Friday night I’m spending the evening with LilDarlin. We are going to paint our nails and watch movies. I’m also going to set her up with new, cool, music…   That was her Xmas wish – to spend an evening with Auntie “Paula”…  not a thing, not money, but time with the coolest Aunt in the World.  I know, makes your heart melt doesn’t it?!?

Alright, enough about work and family, here are the few random thoughts:

  • Went out with my Utah Realtor last night (Thursday). He had on a ‘skin’ vest.. very similar to the one I wrote about in a previous blog – Date With My Utah Realtor.  The funny thing is we ended up hanging out with two very cool girls who commented on his vest.  I couldn’t stop thinking about telling my blog fans about it (who else can I share it with?!?)
  • I just searched my own website for the link for the above blog and I realized that I’m now the first google search return for Paulas Ponderings (I wasnt before… ).  I also realize that I can’t search my own blog for links.. bullshit I tell you. I’ll change that if I can.
  •  Utah is so beautiful – a gorgeous state. If they could get over the mormon thing, seperate chuch and state, Utah would be the new California
  • I’m done with Law and Order SVU.  I stil like Law and Order, I’m just done with the whining and crying of the victims.  For those of you who respond with anger… I get it… .. but if you continue to support the victim mentality, you will get a victim.  Done with victims..
  • I got my hair colored, it looks fabulous, I look fabulous.  I really like my new colorist/stylist… but she works next to the person I’ve been going to for years (they work at the same salon, and in my defense I ONLY went to her because my colorist/stylist was not available multiple times)…  still, when I had my color done with the new gal on Wednesday, my original gal was there… a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Regarding the house, I’m working on a purchase contract.  ATrain is helping me with it.  The lender did not call ATrain, me, or the realtor today…. he is a friend of ATrains.  ATrain says if he doesn’t call back or call the agent to pull a contract together that we can work different avenues (meaning I get to find someone)… Its strange having someone ‘help’ me – I didn’t ask for the help, I really don’t know how to ask for help, ATrain offered.  If it works out I wil be forever grateful. 

Alright. Enough updating. I’m exhausted. Ill write more later. Have a great Friday everyone.

Housing Update – Purchase In My Future?

So upon very sound advice from CLicious, I went to see the lawyer.

He reminded me over and over again what an idiot I am for investing in a property without a written agreement.  Once we got beyond that, he helped me figure out what my options are.

He said that I should NOT move forward with the open house/sale of the property until the owner and I have a written agreement in place – he saw 2 reasonable options – a Purchase or a Settlement Agreement.  Whichever I chose, it needs to happen before anything else happens.

So I called the owner, said I wanted to talk, and I met with him last night.  We spoke openly and honestly about what we both need/want from this…  we agreed on a sale/purchase price.  if I can qualify for a loan, I could be the new owner of a very nice home on a large lot in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Since it’s the weekend I’ll need to get in touch with the lawyer, draw up a purchase agreement, and find a broker first thing on Tuesday.

On the work front, I have a huge demo to deliver on Monday so I’m working this weekend.  I cannot wait for this project to be done.  I’ve spent most evenings and weekends working since January of this year. I’m tired and completely burned out … I need to take some time away to adjust my perspective… or find a new job.

I’ll update you later this week on my progress on the home and work front.