life experiences – Page 2 – Paula's Ponderings

Bestie Might Move.

September 17, 2016September 18, 2016PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Stating the very obvious, it has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy working my ass off. I’ve been focused on my career, on making a substantial difference in the first 90 days.

I’m so busy, why write now? Because my best friend has been interviewing for a phenomenal job opportunity. It has been a long and arduous process. But the process is nearing a conclusion and it looks very very promising. I am so happy for her. This opportunity is what she has been working so hard for – and to be completely honest, what women, in the software industry, have been wanting for so long – the coveted executive position. The only catch is that she has to move – to Seattle. Which is a great place to live, we have friends there, and the cost of living is so much more livable than the Bay Area.

My heart hurts. The thought of losing another bestie to another state makes me really sad. Really sad, crying sad. I have 4 besties. Girlfriends that I’ve made plans to retire with:

Unicorns – who may potentially move to Seattle
CLicious – who moved to Utah 2 years ago
Jewels – currently dealing with a personal tragedy so great that it will take many years to heal
My longest bestie – probably knows the most about me. She is married with her own life on the East Coast

I have other friends that are around that care about me and I them. With more effort on my part they could become substantial influences and best friends.

Right now what I am feeling is the simple sadness of missing someone. Unicorns left for Europe right when I separated from my Ex. I was so happy for her, but the depth of the alone-ness that I felt was devastating. I do not know where I would be if CLicious and her husband hadn’t adopted me and included me in everything that they did. They made me family… I will never forget their generosity.

The thought of Unicorns moving away has my stomach in knots, my heart torn apart. I am very upset about it. I automatically have gone back to the place I was 8 years ago – during the divorce and her departure. Later, I remember clearly when CLicious left. I spent 6 months in a daze. I had to relearn how to live, I had to figure out a new routine. I can say I am still not completely over her departure. The thought of not having both Unicorns and CLicious makes me very sad. And alone.

I am 45 years old. I have no children. My career is great…. but I am certainly not where I want or thought I would be at 45…. I love the company, the work, the potential. But I am not a VP. If I work hard I can make the executive ranks in a few years…. so what, so I will be a VP when I reach my 50’s? Is that really what is important? Is that really what I want? No.

So what do I want? I want a partner. Someone who I can be vulnerable with. Someone that I can support and who supports me. I want a relationship where we have each others backs. We look after each other, care for one another. What do I need? I need to feel secure and safe. I am not lonely so it isn’t about just being with someone, with anyone. It’s about sharing life with a super special person that I care about and they care for me.

Yes, I have ATrain, the Ex, who wants to get back together. I can’t see this being successful. Not because he isn’t serious about it. He loves me. I love him. Personality wise we make a great team. But at the end of the day, I do not think we want the same things. He is happy with how things are. I want so much more.

Anyway, what you just got is my ramblings after drinking a few glasses of red wine…. Not that wine is required. I’ve been so busy these last few months… busy and exhausted. With what you may ask?

I’ve been working my ass off at my new job (90 days in and so far so good).
Commuting.. taking public transportation and listening to podcasts to fill the time.
Totaled my car.. and just bought a new-to-me car.
Pre-registered want-to-be owner of a Tesla Model 3.
Trappings of a regular life – work and personal travel, family stuff, etc..

I will do my best to write more regularly. My dramatic reaction to my bestie moving away inspired me to write tonight.

Back To Work w/o A Car. Public Transport Sucks.

June 23, 2016June 23, 2016PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I am alive and well. I have been crazy busy – started a new job (I know, finally out of my retirement phase). During my first week on the job I got into an accident. It was my fault…I didn’t know where I was going, I looked at the map on my phone, looked up, and didn’t have enough time to stop. I hit someone head on. The accident was just that, an accident, and it was totally my fault. I walked away with a lot of bruises and aches. Took a few weeks to recover… I still have some neck pain. But my beautiful car, my Black Beauty did not fare so well. The other driver had car damage but was physically fine.

Today I recieved a final call from State Farm. They have determined her a “total loss”. They have given me what they think she is worth… Mere pennies for her true worth. I am unable to replace her with the $$ they will give me. I have been without a car for 2 weeks now and it looks like I will be without a car for a while.

This wouldn’t be a big deal if I was still “semi-retired” and had all the time in the world to run errands. Hell, I was walking everywhere when time wasn’t a factor. But this is no longer the case. 3 weeks ago I returned to full-time work. Yes, I found employment that I am very excited about. My new company is headquartered 23 miles from home… A rediculous amount if we speak in travel time on CA highways. I can get to the office in 30 minutes during off-peak hours. It takes me over an hour by public transportation. Public transportation includes a 15 minute walk, a 40 minute train ride, a 15 minute shuttle ride and a few minutes of waiting between each transition. Grrrrr.

In addition, I have to leave at the crack of dawn no matter what transport option I choose. I am not a morning person. I have purchased the ShockClock to change this… So far not so good. Either it is not working, or 30% shock wave is not enough to wake me.. Tonight I have it set to 50%.. Which freaking hurts when I tested it out… If I am not up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, it is because I was not able to electrocute myself via the ShockClock…

Honestly, if public transportation was an option, I would prefer to NOT get a car now, and wait for my Tesla Model 3… Yes, I registered. Yes I am on the waiting list. Yes, I would wait… I love that car.. So sexy, so svelte, so what I want….

The new job. Outside of the commute – awesome. I love the people. It is a perfect fit for me. I get to use my technical knowledge and fulfill my geeky side, while doing the things I love the most – speaking with customers, creating processeses and programs, and measuring results. When I am “working”, it really doesn’t feel like working. Which is really the best job ever. If it weren’t for the commute, it would be perfect. Once I get up to speed I will be able to reduce my face time in the office. And once I get another vehicle, I will be able to reduce the time it takes me to get to/from the office. But right now, 3 hours in commute time is killing me……

All in all, life is good. I no longer have a car, a car that I loved.But she did save my life. And for that I am forever grateful. I will hold out until I find another just like her, which may take a while given the State Farm settlement. I do love my agent and felt that the total loss agent was great too. But the numbers just did not work in my favor. So those of you who have older cars that are well kept with low miles… Do NOT expect any insurance agency to respect its value. Get a replacement cost policy (if you haven’t done so already).. My .02

Alright… I need to get some sleep. Prepare for my morning electrocution. :=)

For The Love of Yoga.

February 16, 2016February 16, 2016PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Yoga retreat 2016 I just completed the last day of my yoga retreat in Ixtapa Mexico. I am in transit – heading back home to Northern CA. I’m sad to be leaving….

First, Ixtapa Mexico is a wonderful place. The people are great, the town is far less developed (touristy) than other cities in Mexico (Cabo, Cancun, etc). I have always wanted to visit Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo and I’m glad I did – it is awesome. I’ve always wanted to visit because it is where Andy Dufrane escapes to in the movie – Shawshank Redemption. And when his best friend Red gets out – he shows up too. I think of Zihuatanejo as the Mecca to my favorite movie. This place is great.

Second, one of my favorite people opened her world up to me. I got to spend time with her and meet all her friends. It’s a precious thing when the people you like want to share special people and moments. When she told me about the retreat I was sold… I booked it right away – some 7 months ago – and now the trip is over….. 😦

I will do my best to summarize –

The instructor is simply amazing. I LOVE Kundalini yoga. I have not been able to find a yoga class or instructor that incorporates Kundalini, the breath, flow, and meditation in a class. The yogi – Jorge Luna – has me in love with yoga again. His Yoga was a great combination of breath/connection (Kundalini) , stretch/movement/flow (Vinyassa), and fun! Yes, remember when exercise was fun, not a task/to-do/chore? Uh-hum mm, those days. I loved every day of class. And he has inspired me to re-launch my search for a yogi in my area that inspires me to get my ass out of bed on a weekend.
The people are just like me… But not. Yep, all of these amazing people from all walks of life – different backgrounds, cultures, color, sex, gender preference.. You name it, it was in the mix. No matter what was shared/observed, there was nothing but openness to learn, to understand, and to enjoy. I realize this may sound “zen like”, but it’s true. Most of these people only see each other when on this trip – and they attend this retreat year over year to see their friends again. It is a great group of amazing people from all walks of life.
The location – Las Brisas Resort– a beautiful natural preserve. The hotel is a mere 15 minutes from the airport… It has a natural environment – it feels like you are in a rainforest, not in a Ritz Carlton. It was very clean but not manicured. The pools were great and the beach was amazing. The food was really good for an all-inclusive resort and they have some top notch restaurants available on premises. The rooms were spacious and the resort was completely full two nights during my stay and it did not feel crowded at all. My only complaint is that I wished they would turn off the pool fountains so we could hear the ocean from the pool… I know right, first world problems.

Would I go again? Absolutely. I will definitely go on the next trip – if they will have me (Ask me about the “gummy experiment”). I do hope I get an invite the next time around!!

Taking Some Time Off.

October 25, 2015October 26, 2015PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Hello all.

So much has happened in these last few months.

Family – AbFab’s husband lost his legs in a work accident. Here is a news video of how he survived – inspirational. They are both so strong, so resilient. The kids – Mayonaise and Shanaynay are doing well and they love their dad with or without legs.
Travel – I had an opportunity to go to Turkey and I did it. I went to Turkey for 10 days with one of my best friends – Unicorns. She suggested it one week, we booked our tickets the next week, then we left the next week. Impromtu. It was one of, if not the best trip I’ve ever taken. More on this later.
Work – not going well at all…the product doesn’t work and leadership is lacking – in both inspiration and direction. Every team works in silo’s – Sales selling product we don’t have, Product delivering product that doesn’t work. Since I work with customers every day, I feel the chaos. These people, our customers, put their careers on the line to purchase and adopt our technology. And we consistently let them down.

So, I’ve made a decision. I made it a few weeks ago, but I’ve been letting it stew in my brain for a bit before making it a reality. I am resigning. I will let my manager know on Friday. My last day will be Nov. 13th. I am resigning before having another job. My plan is to get centered again. This will include spending time with myself, getting healthy, traveling, and reconnecting with family and friends.

Not only will I be starting an exercise regimen, I will be traveling. I plan to go back to Istanbul during the Thanksgiving holiday. Then I plan to spend a few weeks in Utah with AbFab and her family. I will also see my twin sister and my parents. My goal during this time away from work is to focus on me and doing what makes me happy. And in my spare time I will look for work.

I am aware that this is extremely risky. But I am burnt out. I may just do some consulting work and continue to think well into 2016… Only time will tell what opens up to me. But I’m not doing “this” again – busting my ass for a company that doesn’t appreciate the work that I do. I will not make myself physically sick with stress and work overload. I WILL find a great company, that has great leadership, and that will appreciate my skills, abilities, and what I bring to the table. That’s it. Until this time, I will find consulting jobs that will support me. That is my decision.

So yes, I am throwing caution to the wind and moving forward with what my heart is telling me is the right thing for me. Although I am tidying up things around the house and checking out local yoga studios, I will officially begin my journey of self-rediscovery on Nov. 2nd with Oprah and Deepak 21 day meditation series – Become What You Believe. I plan to update this blog very regularly as I go through my reinvention – writing thoughts down really helps me.

If any of you have ever done this before, I’d love to hear your thoughts on what worked, what didn’t.. Or if you haven’t, I’d love to hear what you would do if you made such a decision – would you travel, stay at home, visit with family, friends, etc… ?

My next blog will be about my experience in Turkey – which I loved – both the country and the people.

Family Tragedy.

September 21, 2015PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Just a few short months ago I was hanging out by a pool, relaxing, and putting off my work stress for the day. It’s been a ridiculous journey and has only gotten worse. Which is why I haven’t written – as my parents taught me, if I don’t have anything nice to say, it’s best to say nothing. So I’ve written nothing.

Work stress has been overwhelming. So much so that my Dr. says that I will need medication if I do not control it. So I’ve been meditating and medicating to help myself deal with the high level of stress. I do NOT want my adrenals to shut down and require prescription drugs for the rest of my life.

But now a family tragedy has pushed my work stress out of my mind. My nieces husband was in a work accident and has lost both of his legs. Yes, his legs are gone. He is still in intensive care and is headed into his 3rd surgery tomorrow.

I HATE being so far away. I do not like that I’m not able to be there, to help, to support, to do anything, even if it’s just sitting with my niece at the hospital. I feel so helpless.. She has so much family around her now she has requested that I come out in 2-3 weeks… which of course I will.

I have set up a gofundme for them here – https://www.gofundme.com/newlegsforjohn – please donate and/or share this URL with others. Any little bit helps. The way I figure it, if 1000 people donate $50, AbFab’s family will have enough financial support to get them through the next year without worrying about losing their home.

I’m not sure what else to say. Except that all the whining I’ve done over the last 3 years has me feeling spoiled and ungrateful. Life does suck sometimes and it will toss a whammy or two my way, but at least I have my limbs. I now have a new perspective …

I’m sure my new-found perspective will get me writing again.

Body Confident – New Year Resolution Update.

April 5, 2015April 5, 2015PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, probably too much. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t turn off my thoughts. It affected my work – I had so much work to do, but I could not focus. At All. My mind was so fuzzy, it took me forever to get simple things done. The worst part is that I knew it was happening – it was a super slow movie playing – you know the story, the outcome, and it takes soooo long to play out.

I will update you on all my thoughts later. Right now this is just a quick update on the body confident part of my 2015 New Years Resolution

Lose Weight – I went to the doctor last week and I am officially down 4 pounds. It makes me feel really good that both the doctor and my scale register the same weight loss. Also, I went to the doctors at the end of the day and it still showed 4 pounds down (I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning). This means its not just about the scale, but is now officially part of my medical record. For FYI – I lost 3 pounds in January, and one whole whopping pound in the months of February and March.
Exercise More – I also did take a Belly Dancing class. That was super fun! These next few months I’ll be playing softball with my company softball team. I just found my roller blades – I’m now on the hunt for my knee and elbow pads. 🙂 I know I’m going to need them.
Stomach Issues – I also have an appointment with Dr. Feldman – a holistic doctor who is going to help me get back on track stomach wise. She helped one of my best friends through her stomach issues. My girlfriend swears by this woman. I’m looking forward to working with her – and getting healthy again.

That’s it for me for now. Looking forward to updating you on the fun things soon.

A Weekend Of Reflections.

March 19, 2015March 20, 2015PaulasPonderings2 Comments

I would have written this weekend but I was tied up – with the flu, food poisoning, or some sort of stomach ailment that caused me to spend the weekend a) in fetal position, and b) the requirement to be in very close proximity to a clean and working toilet.

Maybe I had a few hallucinations, or maybe I’m just learning from my experiences, but here is where I’m at:

30 minute workouts are perfect for me. By the time I realize I’m working out, the workout is over. I could probably go 45 minutes with the same attitude.. But for now I’m signed up for three 30 minute fat blast sessions a week. I go in the mornings. I’m loving the instructor, the class, and don’t mind the 15 minute drive to a fro.
Regularity is gods gift. Too much is… well, is too much. Not enough is painful. My newfound love for daily movements is here to stay.
Being a “working stiff” isn’t a bad thing. It is hard to deal with when amongst the non-working crowd yes. I have not mastered how to gracefully make this work. I have spent the last few years feeling insecure about being a “working girl” when I was hanging with all the folks who didn’t work. Why? BECAUSE I couldn’t relate – and truth be told, I am envious. I want to spend more time reading books, napping, taking vacations, seeing the world. But I can’t. At least I cannot right now.

I’m starting to feel less envious and less bad about where I’m at. It is NOT bad. It IS what it is. I am where I am. It’s not where I would like to be, but I have 110% control of where I want to go next. So I think I may be done with my pity party and onto my next adventure, which right now is cooking Thai food. Which by the way, tastes much better when someone else is cooking it for me or tasting it with me.

As you all know, one of my new years resolutions is to stop buying things and to pay off all my debt. I AM paying off my debts like a mad woman… however, I’ve slipped. I think I’ve been torturing myself with not having the things I need, waiting for someone else to get them for me. Since ATrain broke up with me, I started thinking – I deserve nice things! I decided that I’m treating myself to the things I’ve needed to turn my cottage into a comfortable place for me to spend time. I’m going for it – making my small casa feel like home and investing in myself.

a new rug (LOVE IT),
a new TV (it was on sale AND its awesome),
and about $800 of new shoes and clothing.

It feels good, and is what has me rethinking – I’m worth it. Although I’d love another person to help me out, I’m not looking for a “helper”, I’m looking for a partner. Someone who wants me and us to have these things. ATrain has all these things, but they are for him, not for us. And that is o.k. I’m glad he got and has these things for himself, it’s too bad I wasn’t part of it.

Anyway, I’m working hard at keeping myself busy – I’m putting my professional “business plan” in place, I’m going to my fat blaster class, and my mind is slowly coming out of the emotional cloud. I like my downtime now. It was scary at first, now its enjoyable.

And believe it or not, I’m taking lessons from my cats on how to value myself. Examples include:

Zoey – there are 3 doors into/out of the cottage – whatever door is NOT open is the one that Zoey wants to come through. And I DO IT! I get up and open the door for her. For example, the screen door next to the kitchen is open, the cat door is available to her 24-7. But Zoey will scratch at the closed front door to be let in. The front door is about 4 feet from the cat door. Yes, that is right, 4 feet. But she scratches and I open…she demands and I get up – every time.
Sophie – somehow ends up on my lap, while my laptop is on my side, on 2 pillows.. why? Because Sophie wouldn’t have it any other way. And honestly, if I didn’t give her what she wanted, she would pester me until I would lose my mind. So how did she train me to give her what she wants and I just do whatever (hurt my eyes, strain my back, etc.) to give her what she wants? She is a 9 pound cat!?!! And she is the boss.

So why am I so accommodating? Why am I not being as demanding as these two 9 pound monsters that rule my life? No idea – because I’ve never been demanding? Because I don’t know how to be? I need to learn. It’s not about being demanding, it’s about knowing what I want and not being ashamed of it.

I’d love to hear your experiences about you getting stronger, learning to demand more at home and at the office.

Life is Full Of Lessons.

March 10, 2015March 10, 2015PaulasPonderings1 Comment

I’m spending a lot of time by myself, thinking through my relationships, the meaning of life, and trying to wrap my head around what it all means.

I’m lucky that I have a lot to focus on at work during the week. I’m working hard – really working at changing my career for the better. It’s been harder than I expected. I just got my performance review back, a 360 degree review. I’m struggling with some feedback, it is opposite of what I expected, and opposite of what I thought I’d discussed with my manager during the hiring process. I’m thinking hard about what I plan to do about the review and what it means for my career. I am NOT going to seek for approval or acceptance for an unlimited time period. I will give myself a few weeks to work through the feedback, discuss my thoughts with my manager, and set my boundaries.I’m no longer willing to give without getting.. At the end of the day, I need to define the amount of time I’m willing to give before I get what I want.

Which leads me to what I’m really after. I’m not willing to wait around for someone else to tell me what I’m worth. My job is to define my worth and let others know what that is. I set my currency value. I’ve never done this before – and looking back, reflecting on my past relationships, I realize how much power I have given up both at work and at home. I don’t mean power in the way of control, but power in the sense of defining the things that are important to me, communicating the things I need and want from others.

This is a very big revelation for me. I am disappointed that I didn’t learn this lesson from my first big relationship loss, or the end of my marriage… and that it actually took a total of 4 failed relationships to learn it. But hey, at least I’m learning it now. Knowledge is power, and is the first step in change.

Soooo, here I am. With a new found revelation. I love it. It’s time for change, and I’m all for it. Have any of you read the book How People Change? I read this in college and I think about it all the time. The lesson I learned from the book – that awareness is the first step to making a difference, a real change. There is a lot of work ahead to make my new found perspective a reality. But I know how to do it. So I’m on my way.

Better than Yesterday.

February 24, 2015PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Today was another day. A day that was better than yesterday. It is also a day that I did not go into work – I called in sick. Even though I called in sick I still have work to do – I worked a few hours and have a bit more to do tonight, but I didn’t have the energy to get myself ready or see other people. But that isn’t what this post is about, this post is about today – another day, which was better than yesterday. Not to say it was all good, it was just better than yesterday.

So I’ve only almost cried 6 times today. Not fully cried, just almost cried – you know, tears well up and you swallow them or force them to go away. I did also see ATrain – we had lunch. We went to our favorite place. We had a good time – it was so good to see him. He looks good, as always. We didn’t talk about anything important. I think we are both in a too-sensitive place right now (or at least I am). We did talk about:

his plans this week – Monday/tonight he is visiting his son, Tuesday he has an event, he is busy busy all week..
his project ending (March 3rd) and the celebrating he will do …
his new yacht trip (he just got back and has another one planned – it’s part of his 10 days a month on vacation goal and its part of the celebration, see point #1)
his pending trip to France for the Tour de France

As much as I wanted to know about his weekend, what he did/who he was with, tell him how much I missed him, I did not. I really do not want to know where he was or who he was with. So the part of “being friends” where you share everything and anything, well, I’m not there yet.

So what did I do today while I wasn’t working? Thinking. Here is what I decided today:

Time to make my place a home. Even though I don’t have the money, I’m going to splurge on a new rug, a new duvet, a new vacuum, and a new TV (mine is 25″, I want a 40″ AND one manufactured in the last 10 years). My goal this year was to not buy anything so that I could pay off my CC debt… which I can do by the end of the year IF I don’t spend. But I’m going to be in the space I’m in for another year, so I may as well make it everything I want it to be.
See a counselor. My work healthcare offers me the opportunity to see someone up to 8 times at no cost. There is so much I need to learn about myself, why not just do it?
Get physically active. I need to get moving if I’m going to lose weight. I signed up for a 6 week fat blast class. My interview for the class is this Wednesday. Yes, interview. They don’t take just anyone because they want to take pictures and use it as promotional materials. Cross your fingers for me that I get in. If not, I’ll figure something else out.
Get my carpets cleaned. Not like that you dirty minded folks! 😉 I actually have a few area rugs that need to be cleaned and stored safely. Part of me wants to get rid of them, but I’m just not ready to part with them. So I will get them cleaned and stored properly. So when I do move into a house they fit into I can make the decision then.

While I was working on not feeling sorry for myself, I thought of a few ideas that are fun, that I’d like to make happen, but are long shots:

Finally start that Cat Channel on YouTube. The one where I record Sophie and Zoey, my two crazy furry babies, edit the film, and post their antics online. Who doesn’t want another cat channel??
Start Sewing again. A year ago I bought a sewing machine and some fabric to make my own pillows. Project hasn’t started yet.. what am I waiting for right?? By “again”, I mean the last time I was in front of a sewing machine was in college, which was over 20 years ago!
Begin my modge-podge crafts. Yes, a year ago I bought modge-podge and had all these crafts I wanted to create.. I’ve got so many ideas, so many “things” socked away in storage that I want to create. So many modge-podge ideas, so little time! Once I get myself put back together, I may be blogging about DIY crafts. I know, you can’t wait can you?!?! 😉
Create more lists. I am unable to keep track of myself unless I put a list together, so why not post the lists publicly so I can know where they are?!? I know, a fabulous idea. I’ve started with a new page called My Favorites. I’ll continue to update it as I remember, see, or do things..
Paleo. I’m loving my paleo lifestyle and I plan to keep track of it here on this blog. All my Paleo favorites are listed on my new Paleo References page.
Drink more wine. Just kidding, it is not possible!! ha ha, gotcha. 🙂

I think that is it. There are two more things I want to share but I feel they deserve a log of their own..

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