I met a guy in early January. We dated. We moved to the friend zone this morning. Here is what transpired.
I met “Italian Stallion” online.. He didn’t want people to know that so we say we met at Trader Joes. We meet for drinks – we click. He wines and dines me 2 more times.. He says he wants to take it to the next level. What he means is he wants to have sex. I’m not ready, but hey, a girl needs some real action every now and then so I opted in.
CAUTION: The next few paragraphs contain slightly graphic sexual content. Yes, I am including the juicy bits. You are welcome.
We continued to see each other casually. We went out a few times a week when I was in town*. *=take note of this, it will come into play in the very near future. Going out consisted of me meeting him at his house, him sticking his tongue down my throat upon entry, having sex (he couldn’t wait, that’s how he “connects”), then sitting around watching movies like an old married couple.
While in this 3 month relationship I spent a lot of time away. After all, I am “temporarily retired” and I like to do things. I spent a few weeks in Utah, went to Yoga Retreat in Mexico, spent 2 weeks in the Bahamas (more on this coming)… Italian Stallion would text/call every now and again, but certainly not consistently.
The sex was also not that great for me. Here are a few reasons why:
- His penis is not that big. And this wouldn’t be a problem IF he didn’t talk about how big it was all the time. It worked, he knew what to do with it, but it wasn’t big. All I could think about when we were having sex is about all the girls he’s been with that have told him he is huge, when in fact, he is average. And who was I to burst his bubble? Hard to focus on having an orgasm when I’m thinking about the mans penis size and all the other girls who have supported his belief that he is well endowed.
- He is a dirty talker. He loved to talk dirty, in public and in the bedroom. Which is fine, to each their own. But when you are having sex with someone and they use statements like “gimme that pussy” or “come to Pappa” or “Who’s your daddy” (he is 60-something so it’s kind of creepy) or “fuck that cock, yes, fuck that big cock“. Anyway, I wasn’t able to get into a rhythm because I was too busy wondering where he picked up these statements and if other women were actually turned on by this.
- He has loud orgasms. As you would expect, someone who loves to talk dirty in bed is also very expressive when he orgasms. I am on the Chelsea Handler team where men should watch themselves in a mirror and ask themselves if what they see is what they want to bring into the bedroom. She does a hilarious bit about this in her Uganda Be Kidding Me standup routine (out on Netflix). You can go here and see a less dramatic version of it during an interview – http://teamcoco.com/video/chelsea-handler-sex-rules. When he was ready to “explode” he would start to scream at the top of his lungs, “NO, NO, NO…. Then more softly yell yes, yes yes “…. And a few other choice words while in the euphoric state.
In this case, between his size, his dirty talk, and the sound and fury of his orgasm, it was all just too distracting for me.
Ok. Enough of that. Here is how the breakup happened.
I returned from the Bahamas last week and wanted to see him. Actually, I didn’t really care if I saw him again but since we were dating I thought it was best if I put in some effort. So I called him on Wednesday. He didn’t have time to see me until Friday. I met him at his house, we had dinner, sex, and a movie. When I left his house on Friday he felt much better and connected again. He even texted me Saturday morning – his exact words – “It was great seeing you last night. I had a great time and I hope you did too”.
He had plans on Saturday so he said he would call me on Sunday. He didn’t call. I spent the day with my friend at the pool, asking for advice on how to break up with Italian Stallion. So many ways to do it… Some suggestions were hilarious. I’ll save this for another post too.
Anyway, I finally reached out to him Tuesday evening via text – said I hoped he had a nice weekend and that I missed him. I didn’t really miss him, but isn’t that what you say when you are dating someone? He responded by text the following – He said that things “broke” between us when I went to the Bahamas and he couldn’t get it back… And that we should date other people and just be friends.
Personally I think he had a date Saturday night and it went well… I’ve asked to meet him to discuss.. Only because I want to ask questions and get a better understanding. I never got the feeling he was serious.. I thought we were just casual and in no way did I think we were exclusive. Anyway, we are scheduled to meet this Friday for coffee. Interesting how things play out isn’t it? I got my breakup without having to be the heavy. 🙂
That my friends is what a 3 month relationship looks like. I will update this post IF I do indeed meet with Italian Stallion on Friday.