The End Of A Vacation.

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So much to see, so much to do.....
So, I’m back.  Back on US soil I should say, not home yet.  I’m in the Chicago airport, awaiting my flight to San Francisco.  I’d like to say I spent the flight thinking and writing great things, but I did not – I slept the entire time……  I’ll be back in the US PST timezone in no time.
What a trip.  I have so much to share, so much I’ve given thought to… here are the stories/thoughts/ponderings I plan to share about this trip:
  • Good friends.  Can’t live without them.
  • Ladybugs in the Bathroom. Funny story about friendship and the way good girlfriends sometimes get.
  • Guardrails.  Living with your guard up may be good in certain situations but not for all things….  .

I absolutely loved this vacation.  We didn’t do anything touristy if you will, but I lived the life of my friend…  and went to London to visit with another friend.  There is nothing more important to me than my friends, so seeing them, participating in their daily lives makes me feel close to them when I’m far away…

I promise to write more.. and  post pictures.

Crazy Eye Killers.

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Funny story.  Its about the cats.

Today, I went to drop off some items to Goodwill.  I love to give back, recycle if you will.  I hate to see anything go to waste.   So, I’m at the Thrift Store, and I noticed they were having a 50% off sale on everything “used”.  My first thought was, “what in the Thrift Store is new?”…     But that really doesn’t matter (fyi – nothing that I could find)…

I decided to go in and get some of the “items” on my list (I’m a task/list master… I ALWAYS have a list of something).  I needed a few “cat blankets”.  I didnt want full blankets, but more something that the cats would like so they would get into their new heated beds (heating needed – the house I live in doesn’t have insulation… its brrrr cold).  So, I picked up a few “cat blankets”, which are really two very soft scarves, that I’ve washed and dried in catnip.  

Except now the cats are obsessed, going “crazy eyed killa” on me.  Their new beds are at the end of mine – so there here they sit, staring up at me, in their new beds.  I feel like I’m being stalked.  Their states certainly do put a smile on my face.  My cute little stalkers. 

When I find the camera I’ll take pictures.. you will LOVE it!  In the meantime, here is a picture of the adorable furry beasts that stalk me on a daily basis.

Sophie and Zoey

New Years Stats – Week 1.

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So far, so good.  I’m doing what I set out to do this year.

Healthwise, I’ve exercised almost every day, which was a habit already, but nice to continue into the new year.  I’ve also been very successful at creating a new bedtime routine – tea instead of a cocktail.  May seem like an easy thing for most folks, but something I’ve struggled with, and so far have been successful in creating a new habit. 

What makes it challenging is the sobriety…  it’s easy to fall asleep while ‘buzzed’… calms the mind.  When buzzed, I don’t have to think about life, future, etc.. I don’t have to be in my own head, with myself.   My New Year’s Resolution requires me to be sober and conscious when I fall asleep.  Much more of a challenge than merely ‘not having the final-final’.

So far so good.  Tea has done me well.   I am tired, exhausted really.  Even with Ambien, I’m not sleeping thru the night.   But its time.. time to get on the meditation track, figure my ‘stuff’ out, and “get ‘er done”. 

On my Beach Body NYR, I joined Weight Watchers with a friend, looking to lose the 10 lbs and get my Beach Body back.  Traveling has made it challenging… but really, IMO, its just an excuse.  I’m great with eating right, I just drink to much and dont exercise when on the road.  I’ll figure this out in time… 

Not Buying It.. not a problem. I’m not a big spender in general.

“I’ve Fallen And I CAN Get Up.”

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Yes, a slight adjustment to a an old infomercial favorite – “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”.  My usage of this every popular catch phrase has more to do with emotional health, not a medical (physical) emergency.

2008 was a very tough year. 2009 is/was a recovery year. As I look back, 2009 was about figuring out “my stuff”.   It’s taken a lot longer than I thought it would, but then again, I feel like I want to be solid, standing strong and on my own two feet before I get back into living life.  

 I have been a recluse this year. I’ve done this on purpose… somewhat. The good thing is that I’ve focused on me, what I want and need. The bad thing is that I’ve kept to myself most of the year and not reached out to good friends.  Thinking about this year has me thinking about what I want/need in the new year. Right now I’m not sure what 2010 will bring, but I will give it some serious thought these next few days. 

I’ll keep you posted.

Random Notes From a Frequent Traveler….

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 Soo.. random thoughts while traveling home….

For those of you who don’t travel for work, and you think “business travel” is glamorous, please read on.  Life on the road is not all that great, so please give a bit to those you know who travel frequently.

I am on the plane now (finally, after a 1 hour delay).  We are far enough up in the air for me to safely use a computer without bringing the airplane down and risking the lives of myself and all the other passengers on this plane.  It is a small plane, and the “others” on the flight are within very close proximity of me….  thoughts of them swirl about in my head….. a random sampling below:

  • The woman and child behind me…black woman maybe in her 40’s and her 2 year old girl-child.  The woman keeps telling her kid to cover her mouth when she coughs (actually, she sounds like she is hacking up a hairball).  The ironic thing about it?  The mom has the same annoying hack, and doesn’t cover her mouth.  I just want to turn around, look at the both of them, and say “lead by example” to the mother, and tell the kid “cover your mouth – do as your told, not as you see”.  I’ll consider myself lucky if I arrive home without contacting the swine flu and/or whatever the folks behind me have. 
  • The woman in front of me looks so much like a man. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know/think it was a woman until she got up and went to the bathroom and I saw breasts (small breasts, but big enough for me to know its a woman, not a man).    Seriously, she is has short hair (reminiscent of the 90’s short haircut that screams “I’m a woman in a mans world”) and the side of her face is a bit hairy…  I can clearly  see now she is a woman.. but honestly, when saw that she ordered a beer I thought for sure she was a guy.  I wonder if she has two cats……
  • There is a man a few rows ahead of me that is very tall.  He also has very long grey hair that is in a pony tail.  Even though he appears to have a lot of hair, its a very small pony tail.  I can’t help but look, which requires me to stretch my body and neck to look over the woman who looks like a man (previous bullet point).   How come no one in his circle of family and friends have told him that it isn’t a good look for him?
  • Now the kid behind me is crying… for what reason I have no idea… just because.  If I had a nickel for every time the back of my seat was kicked by a child, I would probably not need to travel for business anymore (I’d be a wealthy person).  This is why I choose not to travel AND/OR avoid travel at all costs during the holidays or in the summer. 

Finally, the plane is starting to decend… a SF weather report from the captain.. seat belt signs illuminated…  almost home!  Now I need to put the computer away before it starts interfering with the airplane radar capabilities.

Kids Are Hard Work!

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Yes, I know, it has been quite a while since my last post.   I’ve been busy setting up house, working, traveling, purchasing portable heaters for the house (the winter has set in) and  cat beds for the darling furry beasts, etc..   I have thought about writing almost every day as one would expect, as I have had a lot of ‘interesting’ thoughts to share…

This week I am in Utah, staying with my parents, and visiting with family.  I took a few days off, and decided to spend it with the kids in my life.  I have two nieces that I’m close with, and one  of them has children of her own…  They are all just darling, fantastic kids, and a blast to be around (meaning they are well behaved AND full of personality).

Thursday night I spent the night at my nieces house,”A’s” house, who has two girls of her own:  “Mayonaise” is 2.5 years old, “Shanaynay” is 7 months old.  We made dinner, hung out, caught up, downloaded some ringtones to my new phone… have a great time together until we hit the sack.  Around 11pm  Mayonaise woke up screaming and crying because of a new rash that was hurting her…  Ashley took off her diaper and got her in the tub, I ran to 7-11 (the only game in this small town after 10pm)…  got a bunch of random stuff and brought it home (Neosporin, Preporation H, Tums, and Pepto Bismol.  We decided the Prep H was what was needed and applied it generiously to her hiney and back…. She did go back to sleep… but I was worried about her.  Since I was sleeping with her, I kept waking up every hour or two, finally up at 4am and unable to go back to sleep until 6am.

Needless to say, I did NOT want to get up..when “A” and the kids got up.  but I did…  Played with the girls, showered, went to pick up my other niece “Ney”, and here I am, hanging with a 10 year old.  She is such a creative funny girl, we spent the evening coloring and talking….   And now,  I’m watching “Home Alone” for the 1000th time.

The thing is, I’m exhausted.  Completely and utterly exhausted.  I’m having difficulties keeping my eyes open I’m so tired.. and I will sleep soundly tonight without the help of a sleeping aid. 

All in all I’m having a blast – below  is a picture of just a moment in time – picture time.  I tried to get a picture of me and the girls to no avail.  Keeping one straight was a chore.. . getting both straight and looking forward at the same time… impossible. 

2009 Dec Paula & Kids
Picture Time

 

My hat is off to anyone who takes care of children on a daily basis… and honestly, I have no idea how a person actually works outside the home AND take care of kids.. especially young kids.   Yes, I know its  rewarding and you get used to being/feeling exhausted all the time…(at least thats what all my friends and family tell me).   But I’m glad someone else signed up for it and not me…  I looovvveee my sleep.   

Heading back to work on Monday seems like a vacation…. kids are hard work!! Darling, fun, but a lot of work.

End of the Sparkley.

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So, today, I finally did it – I sold my engagement ring.  Its been on the back of my mind for months (honestly more like a year and a half now, ever since the seperation… “what the hell do with this thing now?”).

Today, I went to a jewelry store and just sold it.  I felt a huge sigh of relief.  More than I expected to feel.  Honestly, I’m so relieved to be done with this part of my life.  Selling the ring seemed more important since I’ve changed my name.  I really just want to be done with the past, with the part of my life that was unhappy; unfullfilled…  Now, single with two cats, i’m so much more content and happy with my life.  I never thought I would be single at 38 ….   single with two cats none-the-less…  but I am happy, how lucky am I to be 38 and truly happy?!?!?

Anyway, the fancy pants diamond ring is gone…. and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.  Materials things cannot and do not make me happy…  I’d be happy with a rented trailer by the sea, or better yet, a lavendar farm in northern/central California!!

Good-bye sparkely diamond, I will not miss you.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

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Home is where the heart is.  Yes,  a title stolen from  a movie, but its the truth. 

I was having a conversation with a friend tonight and it just hit me – all the shisa that has ‘happened’ to me this year is so inconsequential, the most important thing that has happened to me IS recognizing how lucky I am for having phenominal people around me.   Honestly, I just realized that nothing else matters but my friends and my furry kids.  My best friends who have supported me thru thick and thin, good and bad times.. ….  my furry kids who have loved me, unconditionally, thru 3 moves….

Yes, I’m divorced, newly single (or whatever people call it these days)… Yes, I had a great life, it all looked good from the outside.  And I wanted people to believe it was good.  But as much as I want to call the ex a coward, to some degree, I was myself.  He was ultimately the person that ended it thru infidelity, but we all know by now this was a symptom of a bad relationship.

Anyway, as I was chatting with my friend, It really hit me as to what was important to me… and its my best friends…. its spending time (no matter where or when) with friends; its a few moments with a best friend who is leaving town for while, its talking with my niece whom I love like my own……..  its talking/connecting with friends.  And as much as I love material things (who doesn’t love new shoes!!), I’ve realized that none of my ‘stuff’ is really that important;  all I really care about is about loving, living, talking, and taking care of the folks I adore. 

I’ve been some what a recluse lately (my friends would say its been years).  But I’ve been recovering, and now, very content with the life I’ve created.   But I have to say, I think to some degree I’ve been sub-consciously just dealing with making a new life for myself… now though, as of tonight, its a concsious choice – I love my friends, they have been very very very very good to me. 

I’m lucky and I know it.  This is a great place to be.

Worst Movie Ever.

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I know, most folks would suggest that any “Dawn of the Dead” movies should be at the top of the list. But I’ve found something worst than one of these movies:  “Marley and Me”.  Stupidest movie ever. So fake, rediculai, and the worst acting I’ve ever seen in a very long time (shame on you Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson). 

I love animals, have a furry loved one that died a few years back… but this move is so fake, so staged, so stupid.. If I run across someone who liked it, I will definitelly think less of them (a lot less…).  God forbid a customer of mine actually likes this movie, I would have to tell them how silly they were…  tell them about the error of their ways…

So, the movie.  Its about a poor bastard (Owen) who has to support a wife and 3 kids… who thru their lives loved a dumb-ass dog who mis-behaves, and finally, finally, is put down because of old age (and truth be known, if any kid acted the way this stupid dog behaved, I would petition to have the damn thing put to sleep ASAP.. who wouldn’t????).. it IS NOT cute when a kid mis-behaves, why is it cute when a furry animal does?? SO NOT!!).. 

O.k.   so, I love my cats like my children, AND I’ve also put a cat to sleep, my babe, my child. It has taken me forever to recover (if i’m really “recovered”..).  I have friends who love their furry beasts like children. My opinion isn’t about these folks, these feelings. Its about the fake, commercial way that this movie plays on these emotions.. and the fact that two stupid stars allowed this to be shamelessly displayed thru one of their movies.  This movie is nothing more than a “money maker” (and I’m not talking about a good looking backside)… The movie has no substance, no backing.. and is a complete waste of time.

Fugly For A Day.

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So, last weekend I woke up with a swollen eye.  My right eye was completely swollen shut due to two mosquito bites – one on the inside of the eye, another on the outside of the eye.  Swollen shut.  It itched like crazy, but after looking at it, I decided to put ice on it instead of scratching it… it helped, the eye swelling reduced by 50%, but still very noticable.  

Bottom line, I woke up fugly.  Went to bed normal, woke up fugly.  And I stayed fugly for 2 days (friends might say 1 day, but the eye was NOT quite back to normal the second day)….

Given my new state, fugly, I decided I was not going anywhere.  My friend Katie convinced me to go with her to a few stores….  I’m glad I did, for the sheer purpose of learning how self-conscious I am when I dont look like my normal self.  My normal self, my looks, are average, I’ve got some pluses, but some minuses too… they all even out so that I’m average….  what I’ve really got going for me is my sparkling personality… this is what pushes me into above average.  🙂

Anyway, I was surprised how less confident, self-conscious I felt with my deformity.  I swear, people were staring at me….  I would look at them, I swear they were doing a double take….  I was very conscious of it – first glance, sweeping view just to make sure you dont ‘bump carts’… but then, then there was a second look…..  the stare down, like they are trying to figure out what is wrong, where is the disfigurement….    at that second look I would look down, knowing that I was unworthy…      when I ran into someone (which happens when you only look down), I would say sorry (which I am totally against)..

I was exhausted by the end of the day (we were a the store for maybe an hour)…  it took a lot of work to be self-conscious and fugly.  Katie invited me to a party, of course that was NOT going to happen. I stayed home, nursed my wounds….

I did wake up Sunday almost as good as new, but effected by the experience.  I am completely back to normal now, but there isn’t a day that has gone by that I dont think about it.  Makes me wonder if I’m really as self-confident as I think I am, because I feel like if I was, a swollen eye wouldn’t have had such an effect on me.

I did take pictures of my eye, and once I get enough confidence and/or courage to share them, I will post pictures to this blog.  Its bad peeps, very bad.  When it becomes funny, I’ll post it.