Bestie Might Move.

Stating the very obvious, it has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy working my ass off.  I’ve been focused on my career, on making a substantial difference in the first 90 days.

I’m so busy, why write now?  Because my best friend has been interviewing for a phenomenal job opportunity.  It has been a long and arduous process.  But the process is nearing a conclusion and it looks very very promising.  I am so happy for her.  This opportunity is what she has been working so hard for – and to be completely honest, what women, in the software industry, have been wanting for so long – the coveted executive position. The only catch is that she has to move – to Seattle.  Which is a great place to live, we have friends there, and the cost of living is so much more livable than the Bay Area.

My heart hurts.  The thought of losing another bestie to another state makes me really sad. Really sad, crying sad.  I have 4 besties. Girlfriends that I’ve made plans to retire with:

  • Unicorns – who may potentially move to Seattle
  • CLicious – who moved to Utah 2 years ago
  • Jewels – currently dealing with a personal tragedy so great that it will take many years to heal
  • My longest bestie – probably knows the most about me. She is married with her own life on the East Coast

I have other friends that are around that care about me and I them.  With more effort on my part they could become substantial influences and best friends.

Right now what I am feeling is the simple sadness of missing someone.  Unicorns left for Europe right when I separated from my Ex.  I was so happy for her, but the depth of the alone-ness that I felt was devastating.  I do not know where I would be if CLicious and her husband hadn’t adopted me and included me in everything that they did.  They made me family… I will never forget their generosity.

The thought of Unicorns moving away has my stomach in knots, my heart torn apart.  I am very upset about it.  I automatically have gone back to the place I was 8 years ago – during the divorce and her departure.  Later, I remember clearly when CLicious left. I spent 6 months in a daze.  I had to relearn how to live, I had to figure out a new routine.  I can say I am still not completely over her departure. The thought of not having both Unicorns and CLicious makes me very sad.  And alone.

I am 45 years old.  I have no children.  My career is great…. but I am certainly not where I want or thought I would be at 45….  I love the company, the work, the potential.  But I am not a VP. If I work hard I can make the executive ranks in a few years….  so what, so I will be a VP when I reach my 50’s?  Is that really what is important? Is that really what I want?  No.

So what do I want?  I want a partner. Someone who I can be vulnerable with. Someone that I can support and who supports me.  I want a relationship where we have each others backs.  We look after each other, care for one another. What do I need? I need to feel secure and safe.   I am not lonely so it isn’t about just being with someone, with anyone. It’s about sharing life with a super special person that I care about and they care for me.

Yes, I have ATrain, the Ex, who wants to get back together.  I can’t see this being successful.  Not because he isn’t serious about it. He loves me. I love him.  Personality wise we make a great team.  But at the end of the day, I do not think we want the same things. He is happy with how things are. I want so much more.

Anyway, what you just got is my ramblings after drinking a few glasses of red wine….  Not that wine is required.  I’ve been so busy these last few months… busy and exhausted. With what you may ask?

  • I’ve been working my ass off at my new job (90 days in and so far so good).
  • Commuting..  taking public transportation and listening to podcasts to fill the time.
  • Totaled my car.. and just bought a new-to-me car.
  • Pre-registered want-to-be owner of a Tesla Model 3.
  • Trappings of a regular life – work and personal travel, family stuff, etc..

I will do my best to write more regularly.  My dramatic reaction to my bestie moving away  inspired me to write tonight.

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In Good Spirits.

I have no other way to describe my mood.  I had a tough work day today, but there are two things that happened to me today that have put me in good spirits.

First, when I woke up this morning, I felt refreshed.  Refreshed in the way that I’ve not felt in a very long time.  For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t check my calendar to figure out when I could squeeze in a nap during the day. This process has been going on for years. FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY, I DID NOT do this.  This, my friends, is the beginning of a new habit.  One that I want to keep.  I am so tired of feeling exhausted, and for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel exhausted. It goes me hope that things can/will be different very soon. It has invigorated me, inspired me to make the best effort possible to have more of these kinds of days.

Second, when I got home from work, I had a care package from my nieces waiting for me. I opened it hungerly.  Below are the pictures that I can share. How can you NOT love me? I’m gorgeous (a bit cross-eyed but my good energy/spirit will help overcome that).  At the end of the day, My cats and I are SO LOVED and ADORED.

2015-05-20-How The Kids Perceive Me 2015-05-20-Fluff_Ball

This has me thinking very seriously about moving to Utah.  The loves of my life are in Utah. Why am I not in Utah, soaking up more of this love on a daily/weekly basis?

My niece Mayonaise drew these for me. She is super talented…  her mind is imaginative, playful. She is such a special girl. I love her to the ends fo the earth.  I do have an amazing relationship with my niece AbFab and her daughters.. Here is how it is best described:

only-aunties

Yes, you do see my raising the roof with my hands.   Oh Yeah!  I’ve got nothing in CA except a job that causes me stress and consternations every day.  What if I could leave all this, work in Utah, and be close to the people I care most about?  I’m thinking hard right now… feel free to share your pearls of wisdom.