(Photo from the paradise fires, if you know the photographer please reach out, happy to give them credit). I found this photo searching for “scorched earth”.
This year, at best, has been difficult. My heart still aches with loss.
You see, in mid-January, my second week on the new job, @AbFab decided that I was no longer a participant in her family. She said, via text and email, a lot of very selfish and hateful things. The end result is she disowned her side of the family. I understand why she would want to sever ties with her mother. I also understand why she was so angry with her grandparents (my parents)… but for me? I’ve done nothing but be an advocate for her AND her family. I have no idea where the hate and anger came from… but she wrote things that she cannot take back (She would not speak me on the phone so all her venom was spewed via text and email).
In the dark of night, she picked up and moved most of her family to another state. She left me hanging financially and emotionally – which she said I deserved, because I “owed her” for transgressions yet to be fully explained. In addition to leaving me very financially vulnerable, she abandoned her oldest daughter @Mayonaise with her father, who is a horrible, terrible person. My heart breaks everyday knowing this little girl has little to no chance of success given her surroundings. All you have to do is watch 60 Days In to see what kind of person he is – @Mayonaise’s dad is a career druggie/criminal. Has spent his entire life stealing from others, has been in and out of jail forever. Has never paid child support and is always scamming someone. Don’t even get me started on the Juvenile justice system that allows a person like this to have custody of a child. If they cared for the best interest of kids, this man would never be allowed to look at a child, much less be allowed to let one live with him. Ask me about how his pedophile uncle exposed himself to the kids multiple times and he did nothing about it, when he was forced to report it, Child Protective Services did nothing about it. Any kid not born of two well-to-do parents is fucked.
@AbFabs revelation could not have come at a worst time for me – I was two weeks into my new job. I’m doing my best to hold it together, living out of a suitcase at a friends house during the week while my cats lived with a friend because I had just been scammed out of an apartment (paid $7k for 3 months).. So instead of being all set up for my new job, I was stressed about a roof over my head for myself and the cats. I was miserable to say the least.
Then, Jan. 25th – the barrage of nasty texts from @Abfab. No warning, Just venom. Shocked me to my core. My entire world was turned upside down. I had to cut away from work to get a new phone number (we were on a family plan that they kicked me off of)… hate spewing from my phone, going off like fireworks. @Abfab felt entitled to say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted with no regard for anyone else. Somehow she was the victim…
This was 7 months ago. I have been so distraught, barely able to get myself to work every day, living in a fog. I have slowly come to terms with the situation, and am just now sharing this news with friends. Yep- my heart is broken – the situation weighs heavily on me. I feel now much like I did after my divorce… Who am I? What do I care about? How do I give my life meaning? I do not know the answers to these questions. This situation has changed me – I am not myself anymore. Once again, I’m trying to figure my shit out.
So for now I am doing my level best to get up and go to work everyday; to get work done so I can continue to collect a paycheck. As soon as this stops feeling like a chore I’ll incorporate other self care activities into my daily regimen.
This is probably enough news for one blog post.
I’ll post more later.
I hope all is well on your end and that 2019 has treated you well.
Stating the very obvious, it has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy working my ass off. I’ve been focused on my career, on making a substantial difference in the first 90 days.
Paula's Ponderings 