It’s Been a Rough Year Thus Far.

28B9E8D5-E568-4227-85C6-5B02FFD960AF(Photo from the paradise fires, if you know the photographer please reach out, happy to give them credit).  I found this photo searching for “scorched earth”.

 

This year, at best, has been difficult.   My heart still aches with loss.

You see, in mid-January, my second week on the new job, @AbFab decided that I was no longer a participant in her family.  She said, via text and email, a lot of very selfish and hateful things.  The end result is she disowned her side of the family.   I understand why she would want to sever ties with her mother. I also understand why she was so angry with her grandparents (my parents)…   but for me?  I’ve done nothing but be an advocate for her AND her family.  I have no idea where the hate and anger came from…  but she wrote things that she cannot take back (She would not speak me on the phone so all her venom was spewed via text and email).

In the dark of night, she picked up and moved most of her family to another state. She left me hanging financially and emotionally – which she said I deserved, because I “owed her” for transgressions yet to be fully explained.  In addition to leaving me very financially vulnerable, she abandoned her oldest daughter @Mayonaise with her father, who is a horrible, terrible person.  My heart breaks everyday knowing this little girl has little to no chance of success given her surroundings.  All you have to do is watch 60 Days In to see what kind of person he is – @Mayonaise’s dad is a career druggie/criminal. Has spent his entire life stealing from others, has been in and out of jail forever.  Has never paid child support and is always scamming someone.    Don’t even get me started on the Juvenile justice system that allows a person like this to have custody of a child.   If they cared for the best interest of kids, this man would never be allowed to look at a child, much less be allowed to let one live with him.  Ask me about how his pedophile uncle exposed himself to the kids multiple times and he did nothing about it, when he was forced to report it, Child Protective Services did nothing about it.  Any kid not born of two well-to-do parents is fucked.

@AbFabs revelation could not have come at a worst time for me – I was two weeks into my new job. I’m doing my best to hold it together, living out of a suitcase at a friends house during the week while my cats lived with a friend because I had just been scammed out of an apartment (paid $7k for 3 months).. So instead of being all set up for my new job, I was stressed about a roof over my head for myself and the cats.  I was miserable to say the least.

Then, Jan. 25th – the barrage of nasty texts from  @Abfab.  No warning,  Just venom.  Shocked me to my core.  My entire world was turned upside down. I had to cut away from work to get a new phone number (we were on a family plan that they kicked me off of)…  hate spewing from my phone, going off like fireworks.  @Abfab felt entitled to say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted with no regard for anyone else. Somehow she was the victim…

This was 7 months ago.  I have been so distraught, barely able to  get myself to work every day, living in a fog.  I have slowly come to terms with the situation, and am just now sharing this news with friends.  Yep- my heart is broken – the situation weighs heavily on me.  I feel now much like I did after my divorce… Who am I?  What do I care about?    How do I give my life meaning?    I do not know the answers to these questions.  This situation has changed me – I am not myself anymore.  Once again, I’m trying to figure my shit out.

So for now I am doing my level best to get up and go to work everyday; to get work done so I can continue to collect a paycheck.  As soon as this stops feeling like a chore I’ll  incorporate other self care activities into my daily regimen.

This is probably enough news for one blog post.

I’ll post more later.

I hope all is well on your end and that 2019 has treated you well.

Advertisements

Bestie Might Move.

Stating the very obvious, it has been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy working my ass off.  I’ve been focused on my career, on making a substantial difference in the first 90 days.

I’m so busy, why write now?  Because my best friend has been interviewing for a phenomenal job opportunity.  It has been a long and arduous process.  But the process is nearing a conclusion and it looks very very promising.  I am so happy for her.  This opportunity is what she has been working so hard for – and to be completely honest, what women, in the software industry, have been wanting for so long – the coveted executive position. The only catch is that she has to move – to Seattle.  Which is a great place to live, we have friends there, and the cost of living is so much more livable than the Bay Area.

My heart hurts.  The thought of losing another bestie to another state makes me really sad. Really sad, crying sad.  I have 4 besties. Girlfriends that I’ve made plans to retire with:

  • Unicorns – who may potentially move to Seattle
  • CLicious – who moved to Utah 2 years ago
  • Jewels – currently dealing with a personal tragedy so great that it will take many years to heal
  • My longest bestie – probably knows the most about me. She is married with her own life on the East Coast

I have other friends that are around that care about me and I them.  With more effort on my part they could become substantial influences and best friends.

Right now what I am feeling is the simple sadness of missing someone.  Unicorns left for Europe right when I separated from my Ex.  I was so happy for her, but the depth of the alone-ness that I felt was devastating.  I do not know where I would be if CLicious and her husband hadn’t adopted me and included me in everything that they did.  They made me family… I will never forget their generosity.

The thought of Unicorns moving away has my stomach in knots, my heart torn apart.  I am very upset about it.  I automatically have gone back to the place I was 8 years ago – during the divorce and her departure.  Later, I remember clearly when CLicious left. I spent 6 months in a daze.  I had to relearn how to live, I had to figure out a new routine.  I can say I am still not completely over her departure. The thought of not having both Unicorns and CLicious makes me very sad.  And alone.

I am 45 years old.  I have no children.  My career is great…. but I am certainly not where I want or thought I would be at 45….  I love the company, the work, the potential.  But I am not a VP. If I work hard I can make the executive ranks in a few years….  so what, so I will be a VP when I reach my 50’s?  Is that really what is important? Is that really what I want?  No.

So what do I want?  I want a partner. Someone who I can be vulnerable with. Someone that I can support and who supports me.  I want a relationship where we have each others backs.  We look after each other, care for one another. What do I need? I need to feel secure and safe.   I am not lonely so it isn’t about just being with someone, with anyone. It’s about sharing life with a super special person that I care about and they care for me.

Yes, I have ATrain, the Ex, who wants to get back together.  I can’t see this being successful.  Not because he isn’t serious about it. He loves me. I love him.  Personality wise we make a great team.  But at the end of the day, I do not think we want the same things. He is happy with how things are. I want so much more.

Anyway, what you just got is my ramblings after drinking a few glasses of red wine….  Not that wine is required.  I’ve been so busy these last few months… busy and exhausted. With what you may ask?

  • I’ve been working my ass off at my new job (90 days in and so far so good).
  • Commuting..  taking public transportation and listening to podcasts to fill the time.
  • Totaled my car.. and just bought a new-to-me car.
  • Pre-registered want-to-be owner of a Tesla Model 3.
  • Trappings of a regular life – work and personal travel, family stuff, etc..

I will do my best to write more regularly.  My dramatic reaction to my bestie moving away  inspired me to write tonight.