So, it takes a confused heart to get me back into writing.
Life has been extremely busy since I’ve written last. I’ve been traveling a LOT for work, my best friend Unicorns is staying with me for a while, and I’ve been actively dating.
- Work has been great – being busy is a good thing – together with my team we are making good progress on closing a few deals. They won’t happen right away, but we are definitely moving in the right direction.
- Friendships – Having Unicorns in town has been fabulous. I love having her friendship, guidance, and support around me 24-7. As you will soon learn, its been a good thing.
- Dating. Mr. Showtime turned out to be fabulous. We had instant chemistry, lots of things in common, and we had a great time together no matter what was on the roster. He even met a few of my friends – FreeBird and Unicorns, and they both gave him the thumbs up. Honestly, up until last week, I would have said that things were progressing very nicely.
But here is the weird thing. And guys, please pipe in because this kind of behavior is very strange to me. It’s happened to me twice now – the first time with Dear Paula Letter Writer, and now Mr. Showtime. This must be pretty common behavior amongst a certain type of man? Or is it the timing? I realize I’m the common denominator here … maybe its me…
Mr. Showtime and I started interacting since our first date. We weren’t able to spend too much time together, but we were in constant communication. He would call and/or text me everyday. He would say sweet and darling things, i would reciprocate. A few weeks back, Mr. Showtime went to NY for business. While he was away, he called and texted me every day. He got back a week ago Saturday night, I picked him up from the airport and returned him to his house. We spent Sunday morning together, took a drive before he had to go to work. I dropped him off at his house, with plans for him to come over to my house for dinner that evening.
At the end of the day, he decided he was too tired and wanted to chill at home, which I totally understood (I would have done the same thing). Here is how the rest of the week/weekend played out:
- Sunday: even though we planned to have dinner, I had to text and call to find out what he was doing. He was tired and wanted to stay home.. got it, no problem.
- Monday: I reached out .. he responded that he was sick.
- Tuesday: I offered to stop by with soup… he declined.
- Wednesday: no contact
- Thursday: I texted him asking him if he felt better. Suggested we get together on Sunday. His return text, “That sounds nice”.
- Friday: no contact
- Saturday: I texted him, asked him how he was feeling.. wondering if he was up still up for Sunday. No response.
- Sunday: I texted him in the morning, sharing with him I was a bit worried and just asked that he let me know he was alive. I got a “I’m helping my daughter move”. I thanked him for letting me know, wished him well with the move and that I would call later. I called in the evening, got his VM, left a brief message.
- Monday – Today: Left him a VM stating I’d love to catch up and he could call me anytime.
So that’s it. I’ve put the ball in his court. It’s very strange to me that we would communicate pretty much every day since we met, and now he has dropped off the face of the earth. But I do believe that his actions are very consistent with someone who prefers not to see or speak to me again, so my plan is to let it go. If I don’t hear from him by later this week, my plan is to send him a simple email something along the lines of “it’s fine you’re no longer interested, but I really wish you would have told me so directly”… I’m mean come on people, aren’t we all adults here?
Honesty, simply disappearing from the face of the earth is just rude and I’ll never understand it. I did a bit of research on this topic, ran across this article, Why Men Disappear, which gives me some clarity… but I’m still confused that people in general are o.k. with this strategy. My Mr. Big was able to do it, Dear Paula Letter Writer did it at the 2 month mark, and it appears that Mr. Showtime is at it himself now that we are at the 2 month mark. Its funny, I struggled with breaking up with Chicken Legs, but at the very least we had the conversation multiple times.
This is why I have a confused heart. My heart is churning, trying to find a reason for it, because it just doesn’t make any sense. I would have never expected this from Mr. Showtime (or Dear Paula Letter Writer for that matter…) He was very clear about his interest, very consistent with both his verbal and physical communication… up until a week ago. Just so odd….and has me searching for the why….
I should be focusing on a demo right now, but I just felt the need to get this out there. I’m hoping by sharing it with you, you can help me figure it out, and release the confusion from my head and heart, because frankly, I’m getting tired thinking about it. I know I’ll be fine… it’s just another blip on the radar of my romantic life.
😦
Paula's Ponderings 
Two things, I am thinking. A phobia of commitment. The relationship was probably at the stage where by it was changing from the discovery stage to perhaps being a committed relationship. And this scared him off.
Other aspect, and with out knowing more about Mr Showtime as I am a new reader, would helping daughter moving house brought him in to contact with said daughter mother and this has reignited suppressed feelings for said Ex.
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This is the first post of yours that I’ve read, so please forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn (which may really be the case…)…
In your situation, my therapist would ask me two questions:
1) how much time are you spending together during those two months? Becoming “boyfriend/girlfriend” before you really know each other can often lead to this kind of behavior… if it were more casual early on, and one or both discovers something that makes them not want to continue, it doesn’t seem or feel like such a big deal when it peters out…. it just ends more organically.
2) how quickly did you sleep with him? This kind of goes back to the first. Just to be clear, I’m not moralizing here — casual sex is fine by me — but what I’ve learned from my therapist and guy friends is that if you want more, you have to act like it from the beginning. Absent extenuating circumstances, I’m learning that waiting 6-8 weeks really gives you a chance to learn about each other before you risk broken hearts…
My friend Annie has the same weird pattern you’re describing and it’s terrible to watch it play out over and over. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. I absolutely hate that feeling!
Be careful not to personalize it too much. Even if it’s something that you’re doing, it’s not likely because of something that you are or aren’t. There IS a difference; the first can be easily amended. 🙂
I definitely wouldn’t contact him again this point. As much as we want to believe that there might be a myriad of reasons why men aren’t contacting us, truth be told we all know that they always manage to when they REALLY want to. 😦
Good luck. Can’t wait to read more of your blog!
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(((hugs))) I feel your confusion as I, too, have been in this situation. You shouldn’t waste your precious time on someone who clearly isn’t deserving. Actions are speaking louder than words, and his actions are cowardly. Chin up, Chica!!
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Hi Paula,
Vanishing seems to be common for both men and women.
The pattern is all too familiar. You covered the basic structure in your post. The only thing you didn’t say is if it’s the first time there was a ‘sleepover’ involved (a presumption based on the Saturday night airport and Sunday morning hanging out).
From all that I’ve heard, it’s very simple:
Most of the time, it’s sex. the build-up is full of implicit yearning. Whether it’s a genetic predisposition or a learned habit, the build-up is a time when possible relationship problems or red flags are ignored because SEX is on the agenda. Woo-hoo. Post-sex, the realization on the part of the man or woman is…Oops, he/she is not what I expected. Not the sex (probably, unless one of you is atrocious), the realization that all that other stuff is now out there: how to make a relationship from a fling, etc. (Note: For a guy who is a “player” there is no reflection, just a departure.)
The rest of the time, it’s the same kind of thing as above, except without the sex. At some point, it becomes obvious that a relationship won’t work. You’re too short/tall, he/she is too nice/self-centered, you’re not a good match, he/she is not ready to switch from low-key dating to something serious and potentially committed. You pick. The end result is the same. And, in this scenario, up to this point, perhaps no fault applies to either party. Unless you find a good match, you’re not supposed to have a relationship, right?!
In both cases, it’s hard to make the phone call or meet up or even text to say, “I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work.” And so people hide. I think it’s very sad when that happens. It’s been done to me before, especially when I was younger. When you finally realize you’ve been quietly dumped, it’s not a nice feeling.
This last weekend, after getting some ‘come hither’ texts from an old friend in Texas who discovered I am separated and ready for a new relationship, I made The Call. It was REALLY hard and I was very nervous. I knew it would upset her when I told her that I didn’t to extend beyond a friendship. But it was the right thing to do. To my huge surprise, she thanked me. She appreciated the clear resolution rather than being stuck wondering. (I’m sure she also appreciated that I didn’t get on a plane, bonk her, and vanish like Mr. Showtime.)
It’s definitely easier to vanish. But my experience with my Texan friend tells me that the honorable way out lets you sleep at night…
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Hello Paula,
first of all I am so sorry about Mr. Showtime. He seemed like a good fit. I don’t know the guy but his actions strike me as one who can chase but once the prize (that’s you) is in reach they drop out and fain illness. There is a large number of them out there and no you have not dated them all.
Because they know deep down that they cant commit they can go for broke. Always being “ON” for who they are seeing. We know that is not a sustainable course, so when they realize that you will discover who they really are, just a regular guy. They pull the rip cord and bail out of a perfectly good air plain.
They deserve your pity because they are so insecure they fail to see the art because the price of the addition to the museum is too high.
Don’t give up the fight, he is out there and you are worth it.
Be well H. S.
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IT doesnt sound like Mr. Showtime respects the relationship at all. I know I am supposed to pipe down here, but there really is no real excuse to not returning phone calls or texts. You are worthy of so much more
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