In Between My Legs.

This is a favorite post-sentence statement of my dear friend CLicious.  You know, add this statement onto the end of a regular sentence…. “I love your new sweater (in between my legs)”…  “I’ll have the chocolate souffle (in between my legs)”…  you get the idea.   Same as the “in bed” statement you add to the end of any fortune cookie fortune.  This line cracks us up all the time. 

But this article is of a bit more serious nature…  Chlamydia.  Yes, I spelled it correctly, I had to look it up, I’ve been researching it.  Why do you ask?  Because 3 weeks ago I got a phone call out of the blue from Chicken Legs.  I was heading out for a very important prospect meeting… my phone rang.  I saw it was him, I debated whether to take the call, but I decided to just do it – to answer the phone call.  Mind you, I’m at my company’s CA office, in the lobby, where my colleagues where standing and the receptionist was sitting.  Don’t ask me why… I just did.  I say hello, ask him how he was doing..  here is how the 2 minute conversation went:

Me: ” Hi Chicken Legs, how are you?”

Chicken Legs:  “Ahh, not so good Paula”.

Me:  “Oh, Ok..  is there something I can help you with?”

Chicken Legs:  “I went to the doctors because of some itching around my eyes…  The doctor said I have Chlamydia.. and the last time I had this eye itch was when I was with you… so… uhhh… I think you gave me Chlamydia”.

Me: (SHOCKED and in a VERY PUBLIC place)  “Wow, well, o.k..  I was tested in April and everything was fine”..  “I don’t know what to say except that I’m on my way to a meeting and I’m going to need to call you back”.

Chicken Legs:  “Oh, o.k..  Just thought I should let you know”

Me: ” Yes, thank you, I appreciate it.  I’ll get back to you.  Have a good afternoon.  Good-bye”  Click.

Yeah. I know.  I was shocked. I was in shock for the entire meeting… I drove home from the meeting in shock.  My niece AbFab and her hubby were in town so I told them all about it.  I didn’t know anything about it.  They gave me some facts about Chlamydia, we looked up some info on the internet…  no real symptoms in women,  it’s very treatable, but it’s still something you don’t want to have.

My initial reaction was shock.  My second reaction was that there was no way I gave it to him… My third reaction was, shit, what if he gave it to me?  Do I have to call Mr. Showtime and tell him?? Ugghhh…

So, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment and had myself tested.  Not only was I clean in April 2011 (annual Pap Smear and STD test), my test came back negative in November.  So I was clean BEFORE we started to date, and I’m clean now.  So, a) I didn’t give him anything, but more importantly, b) he didn’t give anything to me.

My doctor was so funny – he reminded me how he told me the dating scene is very different now and that “even if you are in ‘an exclusive’ relationship, you should ALWAYS protect yourself.  He said I needed to stop acting like a horny teenager (while he had a smile on his face as he knows I don’t sleep around).   I do love my Gyno, he cracks me up.  But the message was loud and clear – I was lucky this time.  If I continue to have unprotected sex, I will catch something… Yuck. 

Of course I had to let Chicken Legs know… I just sent an email to him, here it is in its entirety:

Hi Chicken Legs.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend.

I wanted to thank you for calling me a few weeks ago.  It must have been really hard for you to call me up after all these months to give me “the news”.  I appreciate you being honest and mature about it.

I also wanted to let you know that whatever you have/had, I did not give it to you.  I was tested in April 2011 (annual Pap Smear and test results were negative (This is good news, it means that I do  not have anything cancerous or STD related).  I had myself tested again after your call, and the results came back negative as well.  So I’m clean, then and now.  If you want to talk about it, feel free to call me, I’m happy to discuss it with you.

Have a great weekend and I wish you the best in 2012.


I feel better that he now knows… but I feel even better that he now knows that I did not give him anything like he assumed/thought.   I wished I had a mean bone in my body because what I really wanted to say is that whoever he slept with after me is the Ho is the person/people he should be talking with.  

For those of you with horny teenagers (boys and girls alike), you should have them read this – STD’s are SO EASY to catch.  And if you sleep with someone without a condom, you are sleeping with every single person that they have slept with.  That’s just gross, and if the person you are attracted to is mature, then he/she will understand why the wait and a “clean bill of health” is important.

New Developments.

So, this entry could be titled “Safe Sex is Grand”,  “The New IUD”, or “Avoiding Pregnancy”, or any number of “this lady is NOT having a baby” headlines…  but I couldn’t think of anything clever, so here we are.

I have talked to many friends about birth control.. married and single friends.  Married friends, for the most part, have had their tubes tied and/or their husbands have been snipped. (the number of men who have chosen NOT to get snipped and forced their wives to have their tubes tied is astonishing).. Honestly, all I can think about is John Edwards.  Stupid man. If you are going to have an affair, its in YOUR best interest to be snipped. 

Anyway, given the words of wisdom  and experiences from many friends, I decided to go with the Mirana IUD.  I had it “implanted” on Monday.  Funny story…  My cervix was not dilated enough, so they had to force it (whatever they did it hurt).. and then they implanted the device.. (and that hurt worse)…  but the funny part is, that being who I am (I’m o.k. ALL the time)… I decided that I was done, got up, and fainted.  Yep, that’s right, fainted.  The doctor did tell me I looked white, and my comment to him was, “ReallY? I’m so white I glow in the dark.  All the time.” (which I really do, even with fake spray tan on)..   I took a small nap, all went well, and I was home safe and sound by noon (appointment was for 8:30am).

A couple of things:

  1. I love nurse practitioners.  My nurse held my hand, talked to me during my “confusion” phase, and helped me off the floor when I fainted (because I was “just fine”)… Love her.
  2. My doctor said that it works immediately – and he wants to know who the lucky guy who gets christens’ the IUD.. hes so adorable (he has known me for years and knows that I don’t have sex that often)..

So, there it is. I’m ready and prepared to have sex without the biggest consequence – having a baby.  I still will require a condom (lord knows what men are carrying these days)…  but at the very least, I am 99% confident that I will not get pregnant and ruin this fabulous life I’ve created for myself.

When I share the roster, you will see, there are a few men in the running for the “christening event”….