Narcissism

Navigating Systematic Failures

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I ran across this story written by Annah Mason a few weeks ago. She names her abuser, speaks to the history of his abuse, and calls out those in his circle that enabled him to abuse so many women. The comments section includes other women he abused in the same way. Just a sad tale of how people like Michael May and Trash get away with their abuse over an extended period of time.

It got me thinking about my own experience. 16 months with Trash and I’ve been set back in so many ways:

  • Financial: over $100k in stolen money, goods, moving costs, lost income, etc. It is going to take a long time to get myself back on track for early retirement.
  • Systematic: going through the court system in an attempt to right a wrong has shown me that a) no woman is safe in the USA, and b) the system is absolutely NOT set up to protect women from serial abusers. It was all an illusion.
  • Emotional: I no longer see this world through the same eyes; I have lost my innocence and faith in humanity. There are so many users, abusers, conmen among us. It has definitely influenced the way I see and interact with people.

Trash has a path of destruction behind him. I am aware of 3 other women before me that had a similar experience with Trash. I am lucky in that I didn’t lose everything and I had the means to stand up for myself. Filing the Civil Suit was not just about me, it was a way for me to get “justice” for the harm Trash has caused the women before me, and quite frankly, more broadly for all the women who have been unable to fight.

But I learned a very hard lesson. I no longer believe is justice. I no longer feel safe. I clearly see that I had a false sense of safety here in the USA; it is all an illusion. Based on my experience and the experience of these other women, the system is set up to protect abusers, not victims. Below I write about the path of destruction in Trash’s wake, and my experience with the systems that has allowed him to continue to abuse anyone he comes across.

History of Abuse

If you listen to Trash tell the story, all the women before me were “crazy”: His now ex-wife only used him for his money so she could live the “Scottsdale Wife” life. Betsy had kids that didn’t respect him, Lisa was “crazy”. Given his smear campaign against me, I’m 100% sure I’m on the long list of “crazy ex-girlfriends” – That is a lot of crazy ex’s for one fellow.

While I was preparing for my Civil Suit, my Lawyer, Mark, asked me to find out more about Trash’s history. Why did. he ask me to do this? Because In Civil Court, the reputation of the parties involved is very important as a jury will use it as a way to determine someone’s character and truthfulness. The lawsuit was about fraud and deception (Mexican Condo); stolen property All I need to do is sway the jury that I’m more credible than Trash…… So I set forth to gather evidence … started with police reports and speaking with the people he has interacted with… What I learned was that my situation was not unique, that he is a depraved, despicable person who has a trail of destruction and inhumanity behind him.

Below are the tales of the 3 women before me:

So from 1999 to today, Trash has abused at least 4 women (5 if you count “The Russian” he was caught with the first time the Ex-Wife caught him cheating). I’m 100% confident there are more than this, but this gives you an idea how long he has gotten away with being a serial abuser. Its the same old pattern with every lady:

  • Physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive
  • Inability to stay faithful while in an exclusive relationship; all the while claiming he is “not a cheater”
  • Using the court systems and social media to harass and intimidate his victims
  • Using lies and manipulation to control people

Systems that Let Abusers Further Hurt Victims

My experience is that the systems that are currently in place support criminals and abusers and not victims they say they “protect and serve”.

Criminal Court (The Police)

In criminal court, the government files a case against someone for committing a crime. In my case alone, I filed a total of 8 police reports with the Chandler Arizona police:

Not a single one was addressed by the criminal court system. And when I reported these crimes, the police treated me with indifference at best. It was if I was bothering them. They truly could not have cared less.

The home break-in report, stolen items reports, and credit card fraud reports were filed in the “it’s a civil matter” bucket and the police wiped there hands of it. This means that Trash basically got away with robbing me, stealing from Bank of America, as well as the green light to break-in whenever he pleased. This is why I was forced to go the eviction and Order of Protection (OOP) route (see Civil Court below).

Two of the reports, identify theft and wire fraud were submitted to the DA for prosecution. Since these are criminal matters, I do not get a say – the AZ District Attorney gets to decide if they will prosecute.  I received a letter a week ago stating they were not going to proceed with prosecution in the identify theft matter. I was given the opportunity to speak with the DA covering the case – Janine L. She is a lovely woman. She agreed that Trash did all the things he did – he created the fake emails, he used my PII to create DirecTV accounts. But because I found out BEFORE he charged my card for the services, they would not proceed. I asked her – “what should I have done in order for this case to be prosecuted?” The answer: Let him charge the services to my credit card. Yes. That’s right. The only way that would move forward with prosecution is if I let myself be MORE of a victim. Basically, I was too diligent – I cancelled the card he intended to use to pay for the fraudulent services. 

In The Ex-Wife’s case, there were 6 police reports in Scottsdale in 2016 for abuse…. only one resulted in consequences (a single night in jail and fines). The others were filed and forgotten.

In Lola’s case, she filed a few reports and nothing was done. As a matter of fact, the police told her that she would go to Jail if she pressed charges because Trash also called the police and their stories were conflicting. Same experience the women had in this article.

So within a 6 year period (2016 through 2022), Trash has had 25 run-ins with the police / court system that I am aware of:

  • 15 Police Reports (8-me, Lola-1, The Ex-Wife-6) filed against him. And this is just what I was able to find, I’m sure there are far more as tracking this stuff down requires you to go to each county to file and pay for the reports.
  • 3 OOP’s filed against him (2 from Betsy in 2017 and 2018, 1 from me in 2022)
  • 3 Speeding Tickets – “SPEED GREATER THAN REASONABLE AND PRUDENT“
  • 4 Evictions (see Civil Courts below):
    • October  2022 – Me, Paula.
    • March   2021 – Lola
    • September 2017 – The Ex-Wife
    • October  2016 – who knows….poor girl…

NOTE: This list DOES NOT include:

  • Any incidents filed with the Family Courts.
  • Any other OOPs that may have been filed as OOPs are NOT covered under the Freedom of Information Act. So NO ONE can find out if someone is dangerous. I would think a company would want to know if a potential employee is safe entering peoples homes. Or we ladies want to be safe and research a potential suitor. There is no way to find this information. IMO, people with OOPs should be registered offenders just like sex offenders. It’s mind boggling me to me that this information is NOT readily available. Jees.

So in summary, the Police are not your friends. I believe they have a bias against survivors, choosing to NOT believe the victims, especially in the case of domestic violence or partner abuse. When they don’t take action to protect the vulnerable, they are in fact protecting the abusers and thieves of this world. It is no wonder that crime is on the rise and specifically familial crimes are on the rise – no one is holding the criminals accountable.

Civil Court (Civil Suits, Evictions, Divorce, Order of Protection, etc)

In civil court, one person sues (files a case) against another person because of a dispute or problem between them.

In my case, I have had THREE interactions with the Civil Courts while dealing with Trash’s shenanigans:

First I will say that this is a VERY EXPENSIVE route to go. Given this, most people cannot go this route. I know that Lola was not able to get her things back because she didn’t have the money to fight in court. You typically have to hire a lawyer, in some cases a mediator, and the process can take years. It is not for the faint of heart.

Second, even if you have the funds to fight in court, the fact is, even if you win, the garnishment process is a bitch. It is very hard to get the funds you are awarded in court from the perpetrator. In the OOP and Eviction cases, I was awarded judgement. I’m “lucky” in the sense that I had Trash’s banking account information, so we were able to garnish his accounts. But he knows how to play the game – he just moved his money around – out of his accounts and into new accounts that I did not have the account details for. So even if you do win a judgement, the only way to truly collect is to put a lien on the perpetrators assets. And I know this because in Trash’s case, all his other eviction liens where satisfied with the sale of his marital home in 2020. So the folks that had to evict Trash in 2016 and 2017 didn’t get their judgements awarded until 2020 when Trash sold the marital home. Myself and some poor bastard in the 2021 eviction are still waiting to collect. And since he doesn’t own a home here in Arizona, the only asset we can put a lien on at this time are his automobiles. It’s just not right or fair that it sits on the victim to have to chase these criminals down – there should be an easier way to make victims whole.

Let’s Talk about Order of Protection (OOP)

I applied for and was granted an OOP. Trash appealed it so I hired a lawyer to represent me in court. The Judge made it clear to Trash that if he loses, he has to pay my attorneys fees. Of course my evidence for the OOP was rock solid, so the OOP was upheld and a judgement for legal fees was granted. Going to my second point above, it’s difficult to collect.

In addition, both the wire fraud and the airBnB business interference violate the Order of Protection, but who’s enforcing it? Clearly the police aren’t. And do I want to spend MORE money going through the civil courts to have him held accountable? Honestly, the OOP is meant to protect, but I do not feel any safer having it. It would require the police take protection orders seriously and act appropriately when abusers violate them – but I’ve seen nothing of the sort. So I will be taking matters into my own hands in 2024.

Family Court

This one is a doozy. I have only dipped my toe into the family courts as I do not children and my divorce years ago was amicable. My experience with the Family Courts are recent and are entirely based on Lola’s and The Ex-Wife’s experiences.

First and foremost, holy smokes what an inefficient system. The latest example of this is The Ex-Wife’s Petition to Enforce Spousal Maintenance in July 2023. All she wants is for all Spousal Support to be paid so she can be done with him. He stopped paying in May 2021, last required payment was Nov. 2023.

First, why does the victim have to go back to the courts and ask for what has already been agreed to by all parties??? Why are the courts not enforcing it? Why was he not hunted down in June 2021 when he missed his first payment in May 2021?? Why do the courts not enforce Child Support and Spousal Maintenance?

Second, why do you have to have money to be represented?!? The Ex-Wife has zero money. She was a stay-at-home mom, taking care of her family while her then-husband advanced his career. She got her first minimum wage job in August of 2016. She is in no way able to represent herself, but there are no resources available to her. All she needs is a lawyer that will represent her in court. Why do criminals get court appointed lawyers in criminal cases, but stay-at-home mothers don’t get a lawyer to represent them in Family Court??!?!?

Its sooo intimidating. I was intimidated but I am tech savvy and know how to get answers. The Ex-Wife speaks Arabic; English is her second language. Yes she can get an interpreter, but she needs help with context, the why something is happening. In addition, the legalize required to navigate the system and the way you need to speak in court is like learning a whole new language. Again, why do mothers NOT get a lawyer to help with representation like criminals do?!?!

And back to the inefficiency.

  • In July 2023 The Ex-Wife filed a Petition to Enforce Spousal Maintenance as he is almost $30k in arrears. She came prepared to court in November – he did not. He asked for an extension and was granted one. Mind boggling. He should have been fined/arrested for contempt of court. This is just another way the current justice system fails women.
  • Instead of the courts forcing him to abide by a court order (divorce decree), He gets another chance to do what he was supposed to do in the first place, causing more stress and angst for The Ex-Wife. In an ideal world, she shouldn’t even have to file the Petition – it should just be upheld and the courts should garnish his bank accounts just like they did for Child Support. Why is the system like this?!?

In my quest to understand the Family Court system, I joined a few FaceBook Family Law Support Groups a did a lot of Googling. I learned that the The Ex-Wife’s experience is all to common:

I’ve come to the conclusion that that the Family Court system is fundamentally broken. Abusers manipulating the courts, filling unnecessary motions, delaying hearings, drag the process out for years with the sole purpose of torturing their victims and avoiding responsibility. The biggest losers of it all are the single mothers who bear the brunt of caring for kids without any financial or institutional support. They are truly victimized twice – by their abuser and by the courts.

Why is it like this? Why has it not changed? This experience was a(nother) real eye-opener for me – and knowing what I know now, I would highly recommend that women NOT have children or get married until this institution has changed to protect vs. betray women and children.

Lessons Learned

All I can say is that Women – do NOT get married or have children. If you don’t pick the right person and things end badly, if you are not rich or do not have a support system, you will be brutalized by both the abuser AND the system, or quite frankly, with the wrong partner, could end up dead.

In addition, when it comes to the OOP, my experience is that the Police do not care. After several violations, Trash was not admonished, no repercussions for his violations. Now maybe thats because it was not physical abuse, but either way, seems like all it is is a piece of paper and its worth nothing. As I mentioned above, not only do the Police not seem to give a shit, OOP information is NOT readily available as it is not covered under the Freedom of Information Act. So essentially, there is NO WAY for any woman to find out if someone has an active or previous OOP. This seems wildly unfair to women – there is just no way to protect yourself in this day and age. It seems very clear to me that men/abusers who have OOP’s against them, they can continue to abuse, intimidate, harass without penalty/repercussion. This is sanctioned systematic assault on women.

Statistics prove this is true –

  • Nov 2023: More women and girls killed in 2022 even as overall homicide numbers fall, says new research from UNODC and UN Women
    • “Fifty-five per cent (48,800) of all female homicides are committed by family members or intimate partners, underscoring the disturbing reality that home is far from a safe haven for women and girls. This means that, on average, more than 133 women or girls were killed every day by someone in their own home. In contrast, 12 per cent of homicides against males are perpetrated in the home.“
    • “While Central and South America experienced a decline in yearly killings between 2017 and 2022 (by 10% and 8% respectively), Northern America witnessed a significant increase (by 29%)“
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
    • “1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner“
    • “72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.“
    • “The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%” (Trash has guns).

The statistics are not our favor ladies. From what I’ve researched, the laws are not changing here in Arizona, or in the USA for that matter. Go here for stats by State.

Safety is an illusion – we ladies are not safe. It’s high time I get a gun and learn self-defense. Just two of my many 2024 goals. I highly recommend you do the same.

Financial Abuse is Real

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I was speaking to a friend of mine, who also dated a man who took advantage of her financially. She bought a house and hired him as a contractor to work on the home. She paid him $$ to do this work. He also lived with her, in the home, rent free. When they broke up, she gave him time to move out of the house. He declined to move out. He hired a lawyer and sued her for 1/2 of the house that SHE BOUGHT with her money. So he was NOT on on the title/deed or mortgage, had not contributed a dime to the home, was NOT paying rent, WAS receiving compensation for his work. How did it work out? She ended up having to pay him off – she paid $60k to get him to slither out of her life. Imagine that – a guy wants to use the court system to get what he think he is rightfully owed, when he put NOTHING into the asset. I feel for my friend.

After this conversation, and in preparation for my civil suit, I put together a financial impact statement to better understand the financial impact of dating Trash for 16 months. The amount? $127,311.93. Everything here has a receipt to back it up. This ONLY includes money associated with his deceit beginning June 2023.


Let’s go through each category shall we?

Business Interference

I have lost income directly due to Trash’s actions. This includes:

  • 10.14.22 – I had to cancel a short term booking at the AZ Chandler house because I was in the middle of the eviction process resulting in a loss of $ 1,430.62.
  • Trash called/emailed AirBnB in late July 2023 (almost a year post breakup) and reported my Mexico B509 Condo as fraudulent / duplicate. AirBnB cancelled all the reservations. There were two at the time:
    • 7.29.23 – 2 night reservation, resulting in a loss of $ 579.69.
    • 8.18.23 – 8 night reservation, resulting in a loss of $ 1,460.64.

His actions have consequences – it’s called Tortious Interference. AirBnb has admitted that he did this. We will be amending the Civil Suit to include damages for his interference.

Repairs

Repairs include anything and everything that I had to REPAIR after he broke into my AZ Chandler House and MX Condo. What did he damage/steal:

  • damaged the Jandy pool filtering system,
  • he stole the WIFI enabled landscape timer, which had to be replaced and installed
  • The door between the garage and laundry room that had to be replaced, installed, etc
  • The $$ for the locksmiths to change the locks 2x!
  • The replacement and installation of outdoor lighting and cameras he stole
  • He stole two industrial / commercial grade hoses
  • The replacement of Ring doorbells and keyless entry door locks

Fraud

NOTE, I was reimbursed by the credit card company, but the total loss for just fraudulent credit card charges is $6,941.56 ($5,883.94 + $1057.62). I filed 2 police reports with Chandler police, one for each card.

Business Credit Card (4757) – $5,883.94. This is the total amount he charged on my card without authorization between June 29th – August 25 2022. He was using my business credit card to entertain other women, including Lola and Nurse N’Poop, purchasing stuff on Amazon, purchasing gas for his truck, taking people out… He had the audacity to purchase new AC units for the Mexico house, on my credit card on August 15th 2022. So starts dating Nurse N’Poop in June 2022 and has the balls to charge $2,069.00 worth of assets on my business card for his house!

This is not just me calling it fraud. I filed a fraud claim with Bank of America – they agreed with me and credited my account.

Personal Credit Card (7767) – $1,057.62 . When I cut him off from the business card, he began using ANOTHER card, 7767, to charge things. So in the first few weeks of September 2022, he racked up $1057.62 in fraudulent charges. I did not know he still had the card, he was supposed to cut it up/not use it. He didn’t use it for many months – only AFTER he was cut off from the business card did he start using the personal credit card. Meaning he did it with purpose, he knew what he was doing. Details of this are in a previous post – Credit Card Fraud — Part 1 . Bank of America agreed this was fraud and credited my account for all the charges.

Theft

$32,601.67. This is what I can account for – meaning I have the receipts of the original purchase or cash withdrawl/transfer. Yes, I poured through credit card statements and purchase websites (Amazon, Overstock, etc). It include 3 primary areas:

  • $22,591.59 – Replacement of all items he stole from both the AZ Chandler home and the MX B509 Condo.
  • $6,010.08 – My money that he stole from the safe in the MX house. It was reimbursement of the charges Trash put on my credit card. He purchased a bunch of TV’s and alcholol for bars in MX on my card – he said he forgot his card in MX and asked if he could use my card. I said yes. Once he installed them and was paid, he gave me the money, which I put in the safe. I checked that the money was there before we left town on June 20th 2022. The money was in the safe. I had contemplated taking it with me, but chose not too, as it’s expensive to withdraw USD from an ATM in Mexico. When I went to get my things from the MX house in September 2022, he had taken all the money. We are the only two that knew the code to the safe – so it was definitely him who stole it.
  • $4000 – Money I gave to him to give the the MX RV Painter that he spent elsewhere. When I returned to MX in September 2022 to get my things, the RV guy was livid that he hadn’t been paid and threatened to sell the RV if he was not paid. I had to scramble around for 2 days to get enough cash to pay the painter so he didn’t sell the RV. Luckily I was able to VENMO money to friends that were headed to MX and get the money to the painter before he sold the RV.

Deception

$35,469.87 – yes, this is a doozy. This is split into the following categories:

CategoryAmountNotes
Car Rental$1,127.37When Trash left Kanab for MX, I had to rent a car to get around and get to SLC.
Move$7,482.08This is the cost of the move from SLC to Arizona and the cost to move furniture from my rentals to Arizona to replace items Trash had stolen from the AZ Chandler house.
Audi Repairs / Enhancements$1,211.49I thought the Audi was mine, so I paid for new tires and added a hitch to the vehicle so I could tow my trailer from SLC to MX. I clearly would NOT have done this if I thought that a) the car was not mine, or b) that he was with someone else.
Lost Income$14,230.00I had to take a month of unpaid leave to deal with his violence and shenanigans post-breakup.
MX Kitchen Remodel*

$11,418.93This is the money I either paid to Trash directly to pay the contractor OR money I paid, on my credit card for supplies.

I want to point out that the MX Kitchen remodel, we agreed to each pay 50%. He told me that the total was going to be $16,000. After we broke up, the contractor told me the total cost of the MX Kitchen remodel was $8,000. You got that right – he lied to me about the total cost of the remodel so that I would pay it all.

Also note, that we were NOT supposed to start the remodel until I returned, but he insisted we start it before I left. I was not comfortable with this, but I didn’t stick to my guns on it. So he had already been communicating and hanging out with the new GF when we went to the hardware store and purchased $2,595.52 worth of supplies (6/14/22 and 6/20/22).

The kitchen remodel story should be a post all on its own, it is so deceptive and egregious.

Legal Misc

This includes the following:

  • $14,985.50 – Eviction Judgement and the Order of Protection Legal fees reimbursement.
  • $40,000.00+ – legal fees I’ve incurred since filing the civil suit to protect myself against Trash. Money I would NEVER have had to spend had he done the right thing.

Lessons Learned

I have learned so much about myself in this fiasco.

  • I was obviously far too trusting with my money. It just never occurred to me that a significant other would be so deceptive and actually steal from the person that they claim to love.
  • I also came to the realization that I didn’t think I had anything to steal. I never thought of myself as wealthy, of possessing the kind of money that would make me a target for conmen like Trash.

I now know that I am lucky, that I do have funds that people want to steal/take and/or feel entitled to. Moving forward, in any relationship, here is my course of action:

  • NOT share my financial state with anyone.
  • Give access to my credit cards or business accounts to anyone, ever.
  • I will NEVER invest in another persons property/asset. If you want me to invest, put me on title.
  • Simplify my life so that I do not “forget” how much cash I give someone. Or better yet, take responsibility for MY STUFF, never counting on someone to own a project (RV, House Remodel, etc) on my behalf.
  • Reduce the amount of properties I have so I can manage them by myself, without help from a significant other.

Be careful out there peeps. It’s a dangerous world.

Open Letter To The Boy I Could Not Protect

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This is by far one of the hardest posts I’ve written. It’s about a boy, that I knew for a year, lived with for almost 6 months. This boy is Tiny Trash’s youngest son – a confused, hurt teen that just wanted to be loved and accepted by his father. I will call him Gabe in this post.

This post is broken down into seven parts:

  1. The Letter
  2. History
  3. How It Started
  4. What Life Was Like
  5. The Abuse
  6. What Happened Next
  7. Where Is He Now

The Letter

Hi Gabe.

I hope you are doing well and getting the therapy you need to understand that what happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for it. You should not be silenced. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened.

Nobody has the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of severe abuse and it was wrong.

I tried to protect you the best I could but I see clearly now how much I failed you. I tried to guide you with positive re-enforcement. Tried to connect with you by doing things with you, i.e. cooking your mothers dishes, grocery shopping, walks on the beach collecting shells, even our drives to/from school were times I enjoyed with you. But that wasn’t enough. You needed someone to remove you from the situation. What I should have done is put you in the car and taken you back to your mother. I did think about it, but we didn’t have a car that would make the drive. Instead, I stayed “the f*&k out of it” just like your father told me to do.

Yes, you did some rotten things. But that does NOT mean you deserved any of the abuse.

I want you to know that I finally spoke up. I called your lawyer and DCS and told them that you were telling the truth. Your father did taser you and that I have the taser. I know it’s a late, and I should have done more sooner. For this I am ashamed and something I have to live with.

You have been traumatized in the worst way possible: physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by your own father. Please do not let this define you or your future. Please tell your story to the right therapists, get the help you need to work past this and become the intelligent, funny, and goofy kid you are.

I hope to see you again someday, give you a hug, and see for myself that you are doing well.

Sincerely, Paula

History

I moved to Mexico on December 23rd 2021 to live with Tiny Trash. His two sons were visiting… however, the youngest son was acting out and not respecting his mother (who lives and works in Arizona), so the two of them – Tiny Trash and the ex-wife – decided that it would be best for Gabe to stay in Mexico and live with his father.

This was tough on me – I didn’t get a say in the decision. I moved to Mexico to be with Tiny Trash, we were finally going to be together (we had been doing long distance 8 months). We had made plans to live our best lives together. Our goal was to work for 4 more years and retire on rental income from our combined 5 properties (2 of his (Princesa Condo and Mirador Townhouse), 3 of mine (Chandler AZ, SLC and Kanab UT). Thinking like this made me feel incredibly selfish. On the other hand, I thought I had an opportunity to help this teen…. So I embraced the new situation and did my level best to take care of this troubled teen.

Now looking back on it, I think he used my compassion and empathy for troubled teens as a weapon against his ex-wife. In hindsight, I’m guessing she did not “agree” to the arrangement but it was forced upon her.

How It Started

After Christmas, Trash and I went to the local school to register Gabe. He had to gather his son’s school records from the USA in order for Gabe to attend. Trash picked CIMA High School because as we understood it, they taught classes in both English and Spanish. It turned out that this was not the case. Gabe did not do well while physically attending classes (he didn’t know Spanish, and more importantly he refused to learn it), so the school offered us the opportunity to have Gabe attend classes remotely, from home, and Trash paid for a tutor to sit with him to translate. The tutor was amazing…. but alas it did not work out because Gabe had zero intention of learning Spanish or being successful. It’s as if he wanted to fail to hurt his father.

During all of this, I was the one who spent the most time with Gabe. I was the one who drove him to school and picked him up everyday. I was the one that he spent the day with when he was learning from home. I was the one that sat with him at the kitchen table, everyday, to make sure he was attending online classes and doing his homework. I was the one actively engaged in his life, attempting to help this kid through a really rough part of his life.

What Life Was Like

While Gabe was under our care, Trash’s schedule did not change. He “went to work” (which we all now know was a lie) and I cared for his son. I took care of him, watched him, mentored him, tutored him, etc.. Taking care of a teen was not a new experience for me – I got legal custody of my niece when she was 14 – and she lived with me during her high-school years. Because I had done this before, I thought that Trash and I were meant to be together – He needed someone just like me to support him during this difficult time. Now I realize that Trash was just dumping his son off on me so he could continue to live his life, partying, without disruption. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a just a free babysitter.

So why this letter to Gabe? Because I failed him. I knew bad things were going on … I tried to stop it, but I didn’t. I was in a foreign country, did not speak the language, working full time, and now taking care of a troubled kid who was doing very stupid things. The car we had was barely functional.

So what was going on you ask?

A lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Yes, Gabe was making very poor decisions:

  • He kept running away. He ran away 4 times, one time we had to put out the equivalent of an Amber Alert in Mexico for him. Mexico is a safe place – I feel safer in Mexico than I do in the USA. But there are bad people EVERYWHERE. Here is this 13 year old boy, thinking he knows everything, running around alone in Mexico. Each time was very very scary.
  • He was lying. He would tell anyone that would listen that his father sold drugs, that he was part of the cartel, etc. All very dangerous things to say.
  • He was stealing. He stole money from us multiple times. We had to get a safe and lock our money up. He stole prescription drugs from our room. We had to put locks on our own bedroom door to keep him out.

So yes, we were dealing with a LOT. I handled it by talking with Gabe, trying to teach him to think about his actions, how to think before he speaks, before he acts. Gabe was emotionally immature, was intelligent but not smart. He was also highly manipulative. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and was always scheming. At the time I didn’t see it but I do now – He is a mini-version of his father.

The Abuse

I grew up in a household with violence. I am very sensitive to it. So when Trash would go after his son, I would leave the house. Go to a neighbors and hang out. Trash would come collect me when he was “done”.

How was Trash teaching his son to “obey” him? By yelling at him. Call him derogatory names. Belittle and demean him. Beat him. Taser him. Yep, Trash had purchased a taser in the US and used it on his son on an almost daily basis. I remember, many times, walking away from the house, hearing Gabe scream from the pain.

Trash would joke with people that he tasered his son. When NO ONE found it funny, he stopped talking about it, but the abuse never stopped.

When I went to the house to collect my stuff in early September 2022, I went to the safe to get my $6000. My money was NOT in in my purse in the safe, but the taser was. He took my money and replaced it with the taser. Think about that – he took my purse out of the safe, removed the money and put the taser in its place. Here it is:

What Happened Next

I took the taser with me. I was not able to go back to the USA until Trash was evicted on October 17th 2022. I had to file for my own order of protection given all the violence he unleashed on me. I know what he was capable of so I was not taking any chances. Trash appealed the Order of Protection and lost his appeal on Nov 9th 2022.

Once I was safe, my number one concern was that Gabe get the help he needed to process what happened to him. This was super important to me. I know that when I got my niece at 14, she was messed up. She continued to make stupid decisions that lead to her running away with a 19 year old meth-head she met on MySpace. She was on a path to self-destruction and she didn’t know it. Her mom and I decided the best thing for her was a lock-down girls school that focused on building self-esteem and CBT – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It was exactly what she needed – she graduated from the program a new kid. Yes, we went to therapy every 2 weeks for years afterwards to stay on track and make sure she was o.k.. My point in sharing this story is that kids can unlearn bad habits and become good kids. My niece is now in her early 30’s and is a fantastic mother, has a great job, and is in school to advance her career. She makes good decisions for herself and her family. I wanted this for Gabe.

So I called DCS – Dept. of Child Safety in AZ. I was told to speak with Holly Roberts…. I spoke to her once. I got the sense that she did not care at all. I shared with her what I am sharing with you now. She said she would call me back with next steps. She never did. Holly told me that Gabe had a lawyer representing him. I called the office of Tiffany Mastin and spoke with Monica Lieske. I shared with her all the above and asked that a) Gabe get the therapy he needs, and b) to pick up the taser. I never heard back from Monica and never received a call from Tiffany.

So the state of Arizona doesn’t care about the kids in their care. If the State of Arizona doesn’t care, then there is nothing more I can do. As much as I want to protect Gabe and help him obtain the counseling he so desperately needs, I have to protect myself. I need to move on from the past and focus on my future. The taser is now the ONLY thing of Trash’s in my house and I want it gone.

Where Is He Now

From what understand, Gabe is living in a group home. He was unmanageable when he returned from Mexico – he started doing drugs, drinking, staying out all night. The kid is 14. His was being abusive towards his mother, not listening to her, so the State took him and placed him in a group home. From what I hear he was not doing well in the group home. My experience with group homes is that the kids just learn more bad habits. I really do not want this for Gabe. I want him to get the help he needs so he can move past the nightmare and learn more productive ways to deal with and heal from his trauma. But as I stated above, if the State of Arizona and Dept. of Child Safety don’t care, there is nothing more I can do.

If you know of a child being abused, report it. Doesn’t mean they will do anything – just watch The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez (on Netflix), but at least you did something. The whole thing is a tragedy really – no one is protecting the kids.

His father has been completely absent in Gabe’s healing/recovery. He actually blames CPS for his sons issues and will not perform any of the activities required to be re-united with his son. It’s really shocking to me that he has not been arrested or charged with a crime – he has abused that boy since he was a little boy. Zero accountability for how his behaviors and actions have caused this kid to be what he is today. I hope that Nurse N’Poop has the strength to NOT let Trash abuse her son.