child abuse

Navigating Systematic Failures

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I ran across this story written by Annah Mason a few weeks ago. She names her abuser, speaks to the history of his abuse, and calls out those in his circle that enabled him to abuse so many women. The comments section includes other women he abused in the same way. Just a sad tale of how people like Michael May and Trash get away with their abuse over an extended period of time.

It got me thinking about my own experience. 16 months with Trash and I’ve been set back in so many ways:

  • Financial: over $100k in stolen money, goods, moving costs, lost income, etc. It is going to take a long time to get myself back on track for early retirement.
  • Systematic: going through the court system in an attempt to right a wrong has shown me that a) no woman is safe in the USA, and b) the system is absolutely NOT set up to protect women from serial abusers. It was all an illusion.
  • Emotional: I no longer see this world through the same eyes; I have lost my innocence and faith in humanity. There are so many users, abusers, conmen among us. It has definitely influenced the way I see and interact with people.

Trash has a path of destruction behind him. I am aware of 3 other women before me that had a similar experience with Trash. I am lucky in that I didn’t lose everything and I had the means to stand up for myself. Filing the Civil Suit was not just about me, it was a way for me to get “justice” for the harm Trash has caused the women before me, and quite frankly, more broadly for all the women who have been unable to fight.

But I learned a very hard lesson. I no longer believe is justice. I no longer feel safe. I clearly see that I had a false sense of safety here in the USA; it is all an illusion. Based on my experience and the experience of these other women, the system is set up to protect abusers, not victims. Below I write about the path of destruction in Trash’s wake, and my experience with the systems that has allowed him to continue to abuse anyone he comes across.

History of Abuse

If you listen to Trash tell the story, all the women before me were “crazy”: His now ex-wife only used him for his money so she could live the “Scottsdale Wife” life. Betsy had kids that didn’t respect him, Lisa was “crazy”. Given his smear campaign against me, I’m 100% sure I’m on the long list of “crazy ex-girlfriends” – That is a lot of crazy ex’s for one fellow.

While I was preparing for my Civil Suit, my Lawyer, Mark, asked me to find out more about Trash’s history. Why did. he ask me to do this? Because In Civil Court, the reputation of the parties involved is very important as a jury will use it as a way to determine someone’s character and truthfulness. The lawsuit was about fraud and deception (Mexican Condo); stolen property All I need to do is sway the jury that I’m more credible than Trash…… So I set forth to gather evidence … started with police reports and speaking with the people he has interacted with… What I learned was that my situation was not unique, that he is a depraved, despicable person who has a trail of destruction and inhumanity behind him.

Below are the tales of the 3 women before me:

So from 1999 to today, Trash has abused at least 4 women (5 if you count “The Russian” he was caught with the first time the Ex-Wife caught him cheating). I’m 100% confident there are more than this, but this gives you an idea how long he has gotten away with being a serial abuser. Its the same old pattern with every lady:

  • Physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive
  • Inability to stay faithful while in an exclusive relationship; all the while claiming he is “not a cheater”
  • Using the court systems and social media to harass and intimidate his victims
  • Using lies and manipulation to control people

Systems that Let Abusers Further Hurt Victims

My experience is that the systems that are currently in place support criminals and abusers and not victims they say they “protect and serve”.

Criminal Court (The Police)

In criminal court, the government files a case against someone for committing a crime. In my case alone, I filed a total of 8 police reports with the Chandler Arizona police:

Not a single one was addressed by the criminal court system. And when I reported these crimes, the police treated me with indifference at best. It was if I was bothering them. They truly could not have cared less.

The home break-in report, stolen items reports, and credit card fraud reports were filed in the “it’s a civil matter” bucket and the police wiped there hands of it. This means that Trash basically got away with robbing me, stealing from Bank of America, as well as the green light to break-in whenever he pleased. This is why I was forced to go the eviction and Order of Protection (OOP) route (see Civil Court below).

Two of the reports, identify theft and wire fraud were submitted to the DA for prosecution. Since these are criminal matters, I do not get a say – the AZ District Attorney gets to decide if they will prosecute.  I received a letter a week ago stating they were not going to proceed with prosecution in the identify theft matter. I was given the opportunity to speak with the DA covering the case – Janine L. She is a lovely woman. She agreed that Trash did all the things he did – he created the fake emails, he used my PII to create DirecTV accounts. But because I found out BEFORE he charged my card for the services, they would not proceed. I asked her – “what should I have done in order for this case to be prosecuted?” The answer: Let him charge the services to my credit card. Yes. That’s right. The only way that would move forward with prosecution is if I let myself be MORE of a victim. Basically, I was too diligent – I cancelled the card he intended to use to pay for the fraudulent services. 

In The Ex-Wife’s case, there were 6 police reports in Scottsdale in 2016 for abuse…. only one resulted in consequences (a single night in jail and fines). The others were filed and forgotten.

In Lola’s case, she filed a few reports and nothing was done. As a matter of fact, the police told her that she would go to Jail if she pressed charges because Trash also called the police and their stories were conflicting. Same experience the women had in this article.

So within a 6 year period (2016 through 2022), Trash has had 25 run-ins with the police / court system that I am aware of:

  • 15 Police Reports (8-me, Lola-1, The Ex-Wife-6) filed against him. And this is just what I was able to find, I’m sure there are far more as tracking this stuff down requires you to go to each county to file and pay for the reports.
  • 3 OOP’s filed against him (2 from Betsy in 2017 and 2018, 1 from me in 2022)
  • 3 Speeding Tickets – “SPEED GREATER THAN REASONABLE AND PRUDENT“
  • 4 Evictions (see Civil Courts below):
    • October  2022 – Me, Paula.
    • March   2021 – Lola
    • September 2017 – The Ex-Wife
    • October  2016 – who knows….poor girl…

NOTE: This list DOES NOT include:

  • Any incidents filed with the Family Courts.
  • Any other OOPs that may have been filed as OOPs are NOT covered under the Freedom of Information Act. So NO ONE can find out if someone is dangerous. I would think a company would want to know if a potential employee is safe entering peoples homes. Or we ladies want to be safe and research a potential suitor. There is no way to find this information. IMO, people with OOPs should be registered offenders just like sex offenders. It’s mind boggling me to me that this information is NOT readily available. Jees.

So in summary, the Police are not your friends. I believe they have a bias against survivors, choosing to NOT believe the victims, especially in the case of domestic violence or partner abuse. When they don’t take action to protect the vulnerable, they are in fact protecting the abusers and thieves of this world. It is no wonder that crime is on the rise and specifically familial crimes are on the rise – no one is holding the criminals accountable.

Civil Court (Civil Suits, Evictions, Divorce, Order of Protection, etc)

In civil court, one person sues (files a case) against another person because of a dispute or problem between them.

In my case, I have had THREE interactions with the Civil Courts while dealing with Trash’s shenanigans:

First I will say that this is a VERY EXPENSIVE route to go. Given this, most people cannot go this route. I know that Lola was not able to get her things back because she didn’t have the money to fight in court. You typically have to hire a lawyer, in some cases a mediator, and the process can take years. It is not for the faint of heart.

Second, even if you have the funds to fight in court, the fact is, even if you win, the garnishment process is a bitch. It is very hard to get the funds you are awarded in court from the perpetrator. In the OOP and Eviction cases, I was awarded judgement. I’m “lucky” in the sense that I had Trash’s banking account information, so we were able to garnish his accounts. But he knows how to play the game – he just moved his money around – out of his accounts and into new accounts that I did not have the account details for. So even if you do win a judgement, the only way to truly collect is to put a lien on the perpetrators assets. And I know this because in Trash’s case, all his other eviction liens where satisfied with the sale of his marital home in 2020. So the folks that had to evict Trash in 2016 and 2017 didn’t get their judgements awarded until 2020 when Trash sold the marital home. Myself and some poor bastard in the 2021 eviction are still waiting to collect. And since he doesn’t own a home here in Arizona, the only asset we can put a lien on at this time are his automobiles. It’s just not right or fair that it sits on the victim to have to chase these criminals down – there should be an easier way to make victims whole.

Let’s Talk about Order of Protection (OOP)

I applied for and was granted an OOP. Trash appealed it so I hired a lawyer to represent me in court. The Judge made it clear to Trash that if he loses, he has to pay my attorneys fees. Of course my evidence for the OOP was rock solid, so the OOP was upheld and a judgement for legal fees was granted. Going to my second point above, it’s difficult to collect.

In addition, both the wire fraud and the airBnB business interference violate the Order of Protection, but who’s enforcing it? Clearly the police aren’t. And do I want to spend MORE money going through the civil courts to have him held accountable? Honestly, the OOP is meant to protect, but I do not feel any safer having it. It would require the police take protection orders seriously and act appropriately when abusers violate them – but I’ve seen nothing of the sort. So I will be taking matters into my own hands in 2024.

Family Court

This one is a doozy. I have only dipped my toe into the family courts as I do not children and my divorce years ago was amicable. My experience with the Family Courts are recent and are entirely based on Lola’s and The Ex-Wife’s experiences.

First and foremost, holy smokes what an inefficient system. The latest example of this is The Ex-Wife’s Petition to Enforce Spousal Maintenance in July 2023. All she wants is for all Spousal Support to be paid so she can be done with him. He stopped paying in May 2021, last required payment was Nov. 2023.

First, why does the victim have to go back to the courts and ask for what has already been agreed to by all parties??? Why are the courts not enforcing it? Why was he not hunted down in June 2021 when he missed his first payment in May 2021?? Why do the courts not enforce Child Support and Spousal Maintenance?

Second, why do you have to have money to be represented?!? The Ex-Wife has zero money. She was a stay-at-home mom, taking care of her family while her then-husband advanced his career. She got her first minimum wage job in August of 2016. She is in no way able to represent herself, but there are no resources available to her. All she needs is a lawyer that will represent her in court. Why do criminals get court appointed lawyers in criminal cases, but stay-at-home mothers don’t get a lawyer to represent them in Family Court??!?!?

Its sooo intimidating. I was intimidated but I am tech savvy and know how to get answers. The Ex-Wife speaks Arabic; English is her second language. Yes she can get an interpreter, but she needs help with context, the why something is happening. In addition, the legalize required to navigate the system and the way you need to speak in court is like learning a whole new language. Again, why do mothers NOT get a lawyer to help with representation like criminals do?!?!

And back to the inefficiency.

  • In July 2023 The Ex-Wife filed a Petition to Enforce Spousal Maintenance as he is almost $30k in arrears. She came prepared to court in November – he did not. He asked for an extension and was granted one. Mind boggling. He should have been fined/arrested for contempt of court. This is just another way the current justice system fails women.
  • Instead of the courts forcing him to abide by a court order (divorce decree), He gets another chance to do what he was supposed to do in the first place, causing more stress and angst for The Ex-Wife. In an ideal world, she shouldn’t even have to file the Petition – it should just be upheld and the courts should garnish his bank accounts just like they did for Child Support. Why is the system like this?!?

In my quest to understand the Family Court system, I joined a few FaceBook Family Law Support Groups a did a lot of Googling. I learned that the The Ex-Wife’s experience is all to common:

I’ve come to the conclusion that that the Family Court system is fundamentally broken. Abusers manipulating the courts, filling unnecessary motions, delaying hearings, drag the process out for years with the sole purpose of torturing their victims and avoiding responsibility. The biggest losers of it all are the single mothers who bear the brunt of caring for kids without any financial or institutional support. They are truly victimized twice – by their abuser and by the courts.

Why is it like this? Why has it not changed? This experience was a(nother) real eye-opener for me – and knowing what I know now, I would highly recommend that women NOT have children or get married until this institution has changed to protect vs. betray women and children.

Lessons Learned

All I can say is that Women – do NOT get married or have children. If you don’t pick the right person and things end badly, if you are not rich or do not have a support system, you will be brutalized by both the abuser AND the system, or quite frankly, with the wrong partner, could end up dead.

In addition, when it comes to the OOP, my experience is that the Police do not care. After several violations, Trash was not admonished, no repercussions for his violations. Now maybe thats because it was not physical abuse, but either way, seems like all it is is a piece of paper and its worth nothing. As I mentioned above, not only do the Police not seem to give a shit, OOP information is NOT readily available as it is not covered under the Freedom of Information Act. So essentially, there is NO WAY for any woman to find out if someone has an active or previous OOP. This seems wildly unfair to women – there is just no way to protect yourself in this day and age. It seems very clear to me that men/abusers who have OOP’s against them, they can continue to abuse, intimidate, harass without penalty/repercussion. This is sanctioned systematic assault on women.

Statistics prove this is true –

  • Nov 2023: More women and girls killed in 2022 even as overall homicide numbers fall, says new research from UNODC and UN Women
    • “Fifty-five per cent (48,800) of all female homicides are committed by family members or intimate partners, underscoring the disturbing reality that home is far from a safe haven for women and girls. This means that, on average, more than 133 women or girls were killed every day by someone in their own home. In contrast, 12 per cent of homicides against males are perpetrated in the home.“
    • “While Central and South America experienced a decline in yearly killings between 2017 and 2022 (by 10% and 8% respectively), Northern America witnessed a significant increase (by 29%)“
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
    • “1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner“
    • “72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.“
    • “The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%” (Trash has guns).

The statistics are not our favor ladies. From what I’ve researched, the laws are not changing here in Arizona, or in the USA for that matter. Go here for stats by State.

Safety is an illusion – we ladies are not safe. It’s high time I get a gun and learn self-defense. Just two of my many 2024 goals. I highly recommend you do the same.

1999 – 2024: The Ex-Wife

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TRIGGER WARNING: Post includes details about Spousal and Child Abuse.

The Ex-Wife met Trash while living in Israel when she was 18. It was an arranged marriage set up by Trash’s mother. The second time they met, they married. She was 19, he was 29. They married in 1999. After they were married, he flew her to the United States to live with him on the East Coast. She had never traveled before, did not speak English, did not drive, didn’t understand money or finances. She is muslim and grew up in a Muslim country where men are allowed to treat women horribly. Trash kept up with this tradition. They had two kids quickly, then another one, Gabe, 7 years later. Much isn’t known about why they left the East Coast for Arizona, rumors has it that he was having an affair with a married woman and the husband found out so he fled town with the family to Arizona.

When they arrived in Arizona, Trash carried on with his philandering ways. In 2013, Ex-Wife discovered that he was cheating on her with “the Russian”. How? He told her he was in Flagstaff, but she tracked the car to an apartment building a few miles away from their house. Why did she need to get a hold of him so urgently? At the time, Trash was breeding puppies. Someone left the backdoor open and the puppies escaped and drown in the pool. The kids had found the dead puppies and were hysterical. She called him to come home – he said he was in Flagstaff and couldn’t come home, but in reality he was around the corner with another woman she calls “the Russian”.

This is when she decided she needed to get out. But she didn’t know how. Trash didn’t give her access to any of the bank accounts, he forbade her to drive, she didn’t even have a key to her own home. She was determined to get out — She focused on learning English and saving the spare change she collected from the couch and his pockets.

In May 2015 she filed for divorce after an abusive episode. She told me she was very scared – Trash told her she would be deported if she divorced him. He had already moved out of the house and was living with his then girlfriend Betsy. This is an excerpt from her 2015 Petition for Divorce:

Trash convinced her to not file so she dismissed the case. She told me she was very scared and that he told her that if she divorced him she would be deported and never see her children again. So she dismissed the case and basically became a woman he would beat and berate whenever he felt like it as he knew she would not call the police and risk losing her kids.

In March 2016 he stopped by the house to pick up Gabe for baseball, they got into an argument. He dragged her out of the house by her hair. He threw her clothes away. The police were called. Trash was arrested for Disorderly Conduct – Disruptive Behavior, Disorderly Conduct – Language/Gesture, Interference with Court Order / Violation of Court Order.. Here is an excerpt from the report:

He pled guilty to domestic violence, spent ONE night in Jail, and was fined. This was marked as his first offense, but it was not his first time he abused his wife, it was the first time he was caught (As mentioned in the Report above, The Ex-Wife did NOT call the police when these incidents took place because she was told, by a Judge that she would be arrested if she did). Make it make sense that this is all he gets for physically assaulting his now Ex-Wife.

Basically, Trash moved out of the marital house in 2014 and began living with his girlfriend Betsy. Unbeknowst to The Ex-Wife at the time is that he ALSO stopped paying the mortgage, taxes, and insurance on the home. This was confirmed by the lien holder (David) via email 2 years later:

So basically Trash up and left his wife and kids, and left them with nothing, but stopped by the house, for years, to abuse and harass her. The police knew he was bad news – there are 7 Scottsdale police reports in 2016 alone. The courts knew he was bad news… But they all did nothing. He was left to continue to abuse and torment his Ex-Wife and kids unabashed. The system failed The Ex-Wife.

May 2021 was when he stopped paying child support and alimony. He did however have money to purchase real estate (2 properties in Mexico). So its not that he didn’t have it, he just chose to leave his Ex-Wife and Children without the resources to live.

August of 2022 is when CPS took over the care of Gabe. Ex-Wife finally got the courage to cut off communication with Trash and would no longer answer the phone. Trash’s only communication method at the moment is Email, so the abuse is minimum as he knows it is documented and can be used against him.

In 2023 CPS garnished Trash’s bank accounts to pay for the back child support. He was livid – he continued to call and harrass The Ex-Wife to sign a document stating he overpaid and give him back the money. CPS did NOT give the money to The Ex-Wife. They kept it to pay for Gabe’s care now that he is a ward of the state.

In July 2023 The Ex-Wife filed a Petition to Enforce Spousal Maintenance as he is almost $30k in arrears. The pre-hearing was in September; hearing date was agreed upon by all parties to take place in November. Both she and Trash got the same instructions for submitting exhibits and filing the correct documentation – Notice of Issues and Pre-Hearing Statement. A woman who speaks English as a second language, has zero financial resources made the time to learn about the requirements, shared exhibits with Trash via email and the Court via CaseLines, and completed and filed the correct documentation. She was prepared for the hearing. Trash, who speaks English as his first language, is technically savvy, knows how the system works as he has manipulated it for years – did absolutely nothing. He spent his time traveling through Europe and partying in Mexico with Nurse Nincompoop (Nurse N’Poop for short). No doubt his plan was to waltz into the hearing and manipulate the court (and intimidate The Ex-Wife with documents and points that are irrelevant). His plan was thwarted when the Judge changed the hearing to be online via Microsoft Teams as he had been exposed to COVID. He had zero excuse for not being prepared. Instead of being held in contempt of court, he was awarded an extension. The Judge gave him another change to get his “evidence” in. The hearing in was rescheduled; it is now Feb. 2024. I see this as all so unnecessary – All he has to do is pay her back spousal arrears as defined in the divorce decree. She came prepared to court in November – he did not. He asked for an extension and was granted one. Mind boggling. He should have been fined/arrested for contempt of court. This is just another way the current justice system fails women.

I put 2024 in the heading, because there is no doubt that the harassment will continue into next year. The Spousal Maintenance hearing is in February 2024. Gabe is still under CPS care so Trash can contact the state if he wants to make amends with his son (he has made zero effort to do so), but once Gabe is returned to his mother, if he doesn’t do as CPS requires (therapy, etc) he will not be allowed to see his child.

The Ex-Wife is still grappling with the damage caused by one man. She has no education and English is her second language, making it difficult to financially support her family on her close to minimum wage income. She is still afraid to reach out for help as she does not trust the police or the court system. She does not have many friends; she keeps to herself. She is the primary caregiver for all her children, who they themselves have issues due to growing up in an abusive household. Life has not been easy for The Ex-Wife.

I find her story horrific on so many levels. Systematic abuse, financial abuse, in addition to the physical, mental, and emotional abuse she endured by the person who was supposed to protect her. It breaks my heart. But I have come to know this woman – she is a pillar of strength and courage. She is one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know. It is an odd circumstance to be friends with your ex’s Ex-Wife, but we have formed a friendship, and I am glad we have overcome the weirdness and are able to support each other.

She was barely existing when I met her, so afraid of everything (Trash, the courts, people, the police, etc). She is now learning and growing. She now has the confidence to face difficult and scary things (courts, CPS). She is learning to stand up for herself. She is taking advantage of resources available to her (https://freshstartwomen.org/). She is taking courses to better understand the court system, she is learning about domestic violence and learning to take better care of herself. She is even learning how to use a computer!

The Ex-Wife has faced enormous obstacles – and is overcoming them to be a stronger person and a great mom to her kids. She is an inspiration to me – She is a true survivor.

Open Letter To The Boy I Could Not Protect

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This is by far one of the hardest posts I’ve written. It’s about a boy, that I knew for a year, lived with for almost 6 months. This boy is Tiny Trash’s youngest son – a confused, hurt teen that just wanted to be loved and accepted by his father. I will call him Gabe in this post.

This post is broken down into seven parts:

  1. The Letter
  2. History
  3. How It Started
  4. What Life Was Like
  5. The Abuse
  6. What Happened Next
  7. Where Is He Now

The Letter

Hi Gabe.

I hope you are doing well and getting the therapy you need to understand that what happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for it. You should not be silenced. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened.

Nobody has the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of severe abuse and it was wrong.

I tried to protect you the best I could but I see clearly now how much I failed you. I tried to guide you with positive re-enforcement. Tried to connect with you by doing things with you, i.e. cooking your mothers dishes, grocery shopping, walks on the beach collecting shells, even our drives to/from school were times I enjoyed with you. But that wasn’t enough. You needed someone to remove you from the situation. What I should have done is put you in the car and taken you back to your mother. I did think about it, but we didn’t have a car that would make the drive. Instead, I stayed “the f*&k out of it” just like your father told me to do.

Yes, you did some rotten things. But that does NOT mean you deserved any of the abuse.

I want you to know that I finally spoke up. I called your lawyer and DCS and told them that you were telling the truth. Your father did taser you and that I have the taser. I know it’s a late, and I should have done more sooner. For this I am ashamed and something I have to live with.

You have been traumatized in the worst way possible: physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by your own father. Please do not let this define you or your future. Please tell your story to the right therapists, get the help you need to work past this and become the intelligent, funny, and goofy kid you are.

I hope to see you again someday, give you a hug, and see for myself that you are doing well.

Sincerely, Paula

History

I moved to Mexico on December 23rd 2021 to live with Tiny Trash. His two sons were visiting… however, the youngest son was acting out and not respecting his mother (who lives and works in Arizona), so the two of them – Tiny Trash and the ex-wife – decided that it would be best for Gabe to stay in Mexico and live with his father.

This was tough on me – I didn’t get a say in the decision. I moved to Mexico to be with Tiny Trash, we were finally going to be together (we had been doing long distance 8 months). We had made plans to live our best lives together. Our goal was to work for 4 more years and retire on rental income from our combined 5 properties (2 of his (Princesa Condo and Mirador Townhouse), 3 of mine (Chandler AZ, SLC and Kanab UT). Thinking like this made me feel incredibly selfish. On the other hand, I thought I had an opportunity to help this teen…. So I embraced the new situation and did my level best to take care of this troubled teen.

Now looking back on it, I think he used my compassion and empathy for troubled teens as a weapon against his ex-wife. In hindsight, I’m guessing she did not “agree” to the arrangement but it was forced upon her.

How It Started

After Christmas, Trash and I went to the local school to register Gabe. He had to gather his son’s school records from the USA in order for Gabe to attend. Trash picked CIMA High School because as we understood it, they taught classes in both English and Spanish. It turned out that this was not the case. Gabe did not do well while physically attending classes (he didn’t know Spanish, and more importantly he refused to learn it), so the school offered us the opportunity to have Gabe attend classes remotely, from home, and Trash paid for a tutor to sit with him to translate. The tutor was amazing…. but alas it did not work out because Gabe had zero intention of learning Spanish or being successful. It’s as if he wanted to fail to hurt his father.

During all of this, I was the one who spent the most time with Gabe. I was the one who drove him to school and picked him up everyday. I was the one that he spent the day with when he was learning from home. I was the one that sat with him at the kitchen table, everyday, to make sure he was attending online classes and doing his homework. I was the one actively engaged in his life, attempting to help this kid through a really rough part of his life.

What Life Was Like

While Gabe was under our care, Trash’s schedule did not change. He “went to work” (which we all now know was a lie) and I cared for his son. I took care of him, watched him, mentored him, tutored him, etc.. Taking care of a teen was not a new experience for me – I got legal custody of my niece when she was 14 – and she lived with me during her high-school years. Because I had done this before, I thought that Trash and I were meant to be together – He needed someone just like me to support him during this difficult time. Now I realize that Trash was just dumping his son off on me so he could continue to live his life, partying, without disruption. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a just a free babysitter.

So why this letter to Gabe? Because I failed him. I knew bad things were going on … I tried to stop it, but I didn’t. I was in a foreign country, did not speak the language, working full time, and now taking care of a troubled kid who was doing very stupid things. The car we had was barely functional.

So what was going on you ask?

A lot of physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Yes, Gabe was making very poor decisions:

  • He kept running away. He ran away 4 times, one time we had to put out the equivalent of an Amber Alert in Mexico for him. Mexico is a safe place – I feel safer in Mexico than I do in the USA. But there are bad people EVERYWHERE. Here is this 13 year old boy, thinking he knows everything, running around alone in Mexico. Each time was very very scary.
  • He was lying. He would tell anyone that would listen that his father sold drugs, that he was part of the cartel, etc. All very dangerous things to say.
  • He was stealing. He stole money from us multiple times. We had to get a safe and lock our money up. He stole prescription drugs from our room. We had to put locks on our own bedroom door to keep him out.

So yes, we were dealing with a LOT. I handled it by talking with Gabe, trying to teach him to think about his actions, how to think before he speaks, before he acts. Gabe was emotionally immature, was intelligent but not smart. He was also highly manipulative. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and was always scheming. At the time I didn’t see it but I do now – He is a mini-version of his father.

The Abuse

I grew up in a household with violence. I am very sensitive to it. So when Trash would go after his son, I would leave the house. Go to a neighbors and hang out. Trash would come collect me when he was “done”.

How was Trash teaching his son to “obey” him? By yelling at him. Call him derogatory names. Belittle and demean him. Beat him. Taser him. Yep, Trash had purchased a taser in the US and used it on his son on an almost daily basis. I remember, many times, walking away from the house, hearing Gabe scream from the pain.

Trash would joke with people that he tasered his son. When NO ONE found it funny, he stopped talking about it, but the abuse never stopped.

When I went to the house to collect my stuff in early September 2022, I went to the safe to get my $6000. My money was NOT in in my purse in the safe, but the taser was. He took my money and replaced it with the taser. Think about that – he took my purse out of the safe, removed the money and put the taser in its place. Here it is:

What Happened Next

I took the taser with me. I was not able to go back to the USA until Trash was evicted on October 17th 2022. I had to file for my own order of protection given all the violence he unleashed on me. I know what he was capable of so I was not taking any chances. Trash appealed the Order of Protection and lost his appeal on Nov 9th 2022.

Once I was safe, my number one concern was that Gabe get the help he needed to process what happened to him. This was super important to me. I know that when I got my niece at 14, she was messed up. She continued to make stupid decisions that lead to her running away with a 19 year old meth-head she met on MySpace. She was on a path to self-destruction and she didn’t know it. Her mom and I decided the best thing for her was a lock-down girls school that focused on building self-esteem and CBT – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It was exactly what she needed – she graduated from the program a new kid. Yes, we went to therapy every 2 weeks for years afterwards to stay on track and make sure she was o.k.. My point in sharing this story is that kids can unlearn bad habits and become good kids. My niece is now in her early 30’s and is a fantastic mother, has a great job, and is in school to advance her career. She makes good decisions for herself and her family. I wanted this for Gabe.

So I called DCS – Dept. of Child Safety in AZ. I was told to speak with Holly Roberts…. I spoke to her once. I got the sense that she did not care at all. I shared with her what I am sharing with you now. She said she would call me back with next steps. She never did. Holly told me that Gabe had a lawyer representing him. I called the office of Tiffany Mastin and spoke with Monica Lieske. I shared with her all the above and asked that a) Gabe get the therapy he needs, and b) to pick up the taser. I never heard back from Monica and never received a call from Tiffany.

So the state of Arizona doesn’t care about the kids in their care. If the State of Arizona doesn’t care, then there is nothing more I can do. As much as I want to protect Gabe and help him obtain the counseling he so desperately needs, I have to protect myself. I need to move on from the past and focus on my future. The taser is now the ONLY thing of Trash’s in my house and I want it gone.

Where Is He Now

From what understand, Gabe is living in a group home. He was unmanageable when he returned from Mexico – he started doing drugs, drinking, staying out all night. The kid is 14. His was being abusive towards his mother, not listening to her, so the State took him and placed him in a group home. From what I hear he was not doing well in the group home. My experience with group homes is that the kids just learn more bad habits. I really do not want this for Gabe. I want him to get the help he needs so he can move past the nightmare and learn more productive ways to deal with and heal from his trauma. But as I stated above, if the State of Arizona and Dept. of Child Safety don’t care, there is nothing more I can do.

If you know of a child being abused, report it. Doesn’t mean they will do anything – just watch The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez (on Netflix), but at least you did something. The whole thing is a tragedy really – no one is protecting the kids.

His father has been completely absent in Gabe’s healing/recovery. He actually blames CPS for his sons issues and will not perform any of the activities required to be re-united with his son. It’s really shocking to me that he has not been arrested or charged with a crime – he has abused that boy since he was a little boy. Zero accountability for how his behaviors and actions have caused this kid to be what he is today. I hope that Nurse N’Poop has the strength to NOT let Trash abuse her son.