My divorce is final. I dont have the paperwork as of yet, but I’m told all is “done”. This is all fine and dandy, but the real interesting news (for me anyway), is that my now ex has moved on, and pretty quickly I might add. He found someone, has actually packed up his things and MOVED to Miami.. and is having a baby girl in August OF THIS YEAR (for those non-math wizards, that means she was prego in Nov/Dec of 2008.), which interestingly enough, coinside with his official request for a divorce.
I remember thinking how strange it was that the ex had actually taken action to start divorce precedings in November 2008 (which I blogged about: Ever Forward.). This man could NOT make a decision to do the simplest of things in the last 3 years of our marriage (such as which night, during the week (any day, pick a day) to have dinner with his wife). BUT, he seemed so proactive to seperate (after the condom incident of course), and was agressive about filing for the divorce. I didn’t get it then, but now I get it (an a-ha moment about a year later).
He found someone. Someone that he knew during our marriage. This someone was most likely the woman he was sleeping wtih during our marriage (wonder why he chose NOT to use the condom anymore??). We werent sleeping together, which was a major issue in our marriage – I wanted to, he couldn’t find the time. Our Counselor so eloquently asked him at almost every sesssion, “if you aren’t fucking your wife, who are you fucking?” . But, you have to hand it to him – he did find someone that got him off is ass to actually do something – to move across the country AND have a baby with. Good for him (sort of ….).
I’m not really happy for him yet… it will come in time. I do want him to be happy, but I would have preferred that he be honest with me AND himself during our marriage. At the very least, why in the world would he commit to 8+ months of counseling if he had zero intention of being in and truly engaging in the marriage? Right now, I am just flabbergasted that he would, literally, choose to do what “looked good” vs. what made him happy.
By “looked good” I mean that he did what he thought was the right thing by society, his family, colleages, etc, but certainly not by either one of us. He walked away from our marriage, saying he “tried”, he did “everything”, and I was the one that “wasn’t commited” … What a load of crap. I see it so clearly now, and makes me realize how lucky I am that I grew strong and did not settle for less than what I needed. Shit, we could still be married AND he could be having this baby with a co-worker. God, how awful would that be???
My only lesson learned here is to not hold on to hope so long…. Had I listened to the Ex’s actions (or inaction) we would have seperated years before we finally did…. but instead, I chose to listen to his words… but I see clearly now, someone will show up when they want to, that their actions will showcase their priorities, passions, and desires. Words are hollow, meaningless IF they are not backed up with action. I get it now.
This new news threw me for a loop none-the-less. It’s just like Sally in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally is upset that her ex-boyfriend is marrying someone else. Its not that because she wants him, its just that it wasn’t her. Why not her is Sally’s question, her dilemma. Its hard to face facts, that no matter how much you love someone, you just aren’t the one, it just isn’t right.. and it won’t ever be right – married or not. On the mature, rational side, I’m happy that he has found someone to inspire him…. someone he loves or desires to be with enough to actualy do something/take action, to think beyond himself. On the emotional side, it’s extremely frustrating that he was just plain lazy, I would even go so far to say cowardly, for not being honest with me or himself, and facing his(our) truth. Grrrr.
In summary, I am grateful that I figured my shit out, because in the cold, harsh, reality of life, we could still be married, numb, and unhappy. We would both be having affairs (you can only go so long without sex and intimacy), he would be wishing I would just leave him alone, and I would be wondering why he doesn’t love me (is it my weight, lifestyle, etc), and what else I could do to get him to see my value, my worth. I was angry at the end of 2006, he blamed me for our troubles… I waited patiently for him to do something… step up, say something, pay attention, get involved…. nothing happened. I gave up waiting in early 2008 … given his activity, he gave up years before that… Its too bad he couldn’t have been honest, me more brave…. It would be nice to have those years back, what I could do with an extra couple of years (ohhh the countries I would visit…)…
The divorce is final and now the real fun begins…
Paula's Ponderings 