I met a guy in early January. We dated. We moved to the friend zone this morning. Here is what transpired.
I met “Italian Stallion” online.. He didn’t want people to know that so we say we met at Trader Joes. We meet for drinks – we click. He wines and dines me 2 more times.. He says he wants to take it to the next level. What he means is he wants to have sex. I’m not ready, but hey, a girl needs some real action every now and then so I opted in.
CAUTION: The next few paragraphs contain slightly graphic sexual content. Yes, I am including the juicy bits. You are welcome.
We continued to see each other casually. We went out a few times a week when I was in town*. *=take note of this, it will come into play in the very near future. Going out consisted of me meeting him at his house, him sticking his tongue down my throat upon entry, having sex (he couldn’t wait, that’s how he “connects”), then sitting around watching movies like an old married couple.
While in this 3 month relationship I spent a lot of time away. After all, I am “temporarily retired” and I like to do things. I spent a few weeks in Utah, went to Yoga Retreat in Mexico, spent 2 weeks in the Bahamas (more on this coming)… Italian Stallion would text/call every now and again, but certainly not consistently.
The sex was also not that great for me. Here are a few reasons why:
- His penis is not that big. And this wouldn’t be a problem IF he didn’t talk about how big it was all the time. It worked, he knew what to do with it, but it wasn’t big. All I could think about when we were having sex is about all the girls he’s been with that have told him he is huge, when in fact, he is average. And who was I to burst his bubble? Hard to focus on having an orgasm when I’m thinking about the mans penis size and all the other girls who have supported his belief that he is well endowed.
- He is a dirty talker. He loved to talk dirty, in public and in the bedroom. Which is fine, to each their own. But when you are having sex with someone and they use statements like “gimme that pussy” or “come to Pappa” or “Who’s your daddy” (he is 60-something so it’s kind of creepy) or “fuck that cock, yes, fuck that big cock“. Anyway, I wasn’t able to get into a rhythm because I was too busy wondering where he picked up these statements and if other women were actually turned on by this.
- He has loud orgasms. As you would expect, someone who loves to talk dirty in bed is also very expressive when he orgasms. I am on the Chelsea Handler team where men should watch themselves in a mirror and ask themselves if what they see is what they want to bring into the bedroom. She does a hilarious bit about this in her Uganda Be Kidding Me standup routine (out on Netflix). You can go here and see a less dramatic version of it during an interview – http://teamcoco.com/video/chelsea-handler-sex-rules. When he was ready to “explode” he would start to scream at the top of his lungs, “NO, NO, NO…. Then more softly yell yes, yes yes “…. And a few other choice words while in the euphoric state.
In this case, between his size, his dirty talk, and the sound and fury of his orgasm, it was all just too distracting for me.
Ok. Enough of that. Here is how the breakup happened.
I returned from the Bahamas last week and wanted to see him. Actually, I didn’t really care if I saw him again but since we were dating I thought it was best if I put in some effort. So I called him on Wednesday. He didn’t have time to see me until Friday. I met him at his house, we had dinner, sex, and a movie. When I left his house on Friday he felt much better and connected again. He even texted me Saturday morning – his exact words – “It was great seeing you last night. I had a great time and I hope you did too”.
He had plans on Saturday so he said he would call me on Sunday. He didn’t call. I spent the day with my friend at the pool, asking for advice on how to break up with Italian Stallion. So many ways to do it… Some suggestions were hilarious. I’ll save this for another post too.
Anyway, I finally reached out to him Tuesday evening via text – said I hoped he had a nice weekend and that I missed him. I didn’t really miss him, but isn’t that what you say when you are dating someone? He responded by text the following – He said that things “broke” between us when I went to the Bahamas and he couldn’t get it back… And that we should date other people and just be friends.
Personally I think he had a date Saturday night and it went well… I’ve asked to meet him to discuss.. Only because I want to ask questions and get a better understanding. I never got the feeling he was serious.. I thought we were just casual and in no way did I think we were exclusive. Anyway, we are scheduled to meet this Friday for coffee. Interesting how things play out isn’t it? I got my breakup without having to be the heavy. 🙂
That my friends is what a 3 month relationship looks like. I will update this post IF I do indeed meet with Italian Stallion on Friday.
Well Paul you discovered some Italian Stallions often turn out to be Ponies from Palermo. The “dirty talk” thing had me rolling. It is a take or leave it thing, so I will cast no stones, to each there own. Being “dirty” while being intimate with another is perfaps to just push the erotica boundaries to a place the shocks and excites the other party, not leave them giggling.
As for size, well the golden rule for a man is never bring it up unless the other party says it a couple of times, unless is uncomfortable. If it’s that important to you then you can feel confident and if it’s not then spend more time on your partner’s enjoyment.
I have no words on the subject of the exaggerate accoustical orgasum. Well maybe glad that I don’t live next door.
I am glad the “break up” was 90% painless. Like Dory says Just Keep Swimming 🐟….
Be well H.S.
Harold, as always you are a wealth of knowledge and sage advice. This pony was a one-tricker..not worth my time. He was just so different that I had ever experienced, I couldn’t stop myself. Well, now its over and I’m over it. If I want shock value, I can always watch the Kardashians. 🙂
I agree with you – thank god neither of us are this guys neighbor… Money doesn’t buy class (did I forget to mention he loved to talk about his money)?
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Great points!! Extremely helpful! Yes, I want a partner. If they can’t handle life when it’s crazy, then they aren’t for me. Back to the drawing board I go.
In this case, I knew after our 4th date and first sexual encounter there was no way it was going to be long term. I just but I couldn’t walk away- I wanted to continue to experience this person just for the shock value. 🙂
As a guy, part of me (no not THAT part) likes to hear stuff like this. Primarily in the sense that guys like this set the bar so low for other guys.. 🙂
The other part of me (still not THAT part) feels your pain. It shouldn’t be this hard to meet someone ‘normal’.
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Thank you single dad for your reply. I need a mans opinion in these matters.
I should have stated in the post that I did not think Italian Stallion was a long-term fit for me. He was just so different I couldn’t help myself. Each time I saw him his behavior would shock me… It’s like trying to not look at a car accident…
It really shouldn’t be that hard to meet someone. First, I’m pretty easy going. Second, I understand the demands of regular life so I tend to be more flexible than most. Third, I’m smart, attractive, and funny. Fourth, I’m not standing around waiting for Mr. Right, I’m secure, confident, and active and adventurous.
I start a new job in June… In the meantime I have a lot more traveling to do. Do I get back out there now or just wait until the fall when my life stabilizes? What are your thoughts on this?
Oh, don’t worry, it’s not hard to see that you had no plans to settle with him. 🙂
For me, someone is a hang-out arrangement or a possible long-term prospect. Things can change either way of course as you learn more about them. But this guy — no, clearly no — not a long-term option!!
Moving on to the what-next…
My thinking is that you have no reason to wait until Fall.
Any modern guy *that is a potential long-term match for you* should understand that your work or personal life requires travel at this time and be able to deal with it (without bonking someone else on the side while you’re away).
Perhaps the key part is whether or not the next guy you want to date is that potential long-term match (if so, structure it so that you’re going in the right direction from the start, slow step by slow step) or a hang-out kind of person (if you want the company, go for it).
Does this seem helpful?
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As a small follow-up, your life doesn’t seem unstable, just busy with “stuff”. Most of us have things we do: friends, family commitments, volunteering, whatever. It’s who you are. Anyone else in your future might as well get used to that now…
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