I’ve been obsessing about my relationships these days… Why? Because its time .. time to “pull a Paula” and put together a T-Graph of pro’s and cons.. do I have time for this? Not at all. These last few weeks at work have SUCKED … yesterday I got to the point where my mind was a blur ad I could no longer physically see anything. I went home, got in the bathtub, and cried for about 20 minutes. It got me through today. Happy Friday everyone.
So why am I thinking about “Effortless & Natural”? I’m reflecting on my relationships. The one I’m in now was E&N for the first 6 months, but its been soooo hard these last 3 years. The last 3 years of my marriage was difficult – see anything in common? Yeah, me too. I try my damnest to make something work that just isn’t meant to be.
When I met my now ex husband, I had that lighting bolt feeling, that time moment where time stood still for what seems like forever. Then and everything we experienced felt so effortless and natural… I knew he was the one until I learned he was sticking his dick in other peoples vaginas…
Then I met My Mr. Big… same thing.. lightening bolts. Our relationship worked for me, seemed so effortless and natural.. but alas, he disappeared.
Then I had a long string of dating mishaps… until I met ATrain… whom I’ve dated for 3+ years and we are not committed. I felt bolts when we first met, but then I spent soooo much time seeking his approval (vs. asking for what I want/need) and in work hell… now, I feel I look at the relationship and realize that he is doing me a favor! I think he wants to break up with me but not hurt me…. I know, crazy.. Who doesn’t want to be with Paula?!!?!?
Maybe its me – but I’m becoming much more clear on what I want, what I need, and where I see my life going. As strange as this sounds, I want someone who:
- trusts me, and who I can trust (integrity is a must)
- is a partner, someone that truly has my back
- wants to take care of me – and this DOESN”T make me a gold-digger… which is a huge epiphany for me
- lets me take care of them (none of us can go it alone)
I love ATrain, love him. Can’t imagine my life without him. I love his strong personality. But for the last 3 years he hasn’t made room for me, for my personality, for the things I want and need… There is only room for ATrain for himself and his son in his life. As I reflect, I realize that he never made room for me because I was soooo accommodating. What do I mean? I just wanted to make him happy and making him happy was a full-time job. I gave him control, and with that he turned into a demanding 4 year old. And now he is used to having someone of my caliber and quality around without having to work for it.
I’m looking for Effortless and Natural… tell me your experiences … are you married to E&N? How does your relationship work?
Paula's Ponderings 
Dear Paula, your experience reminds me so much of my own… I tend to be super attracted to a particular kind of men, so at the start it’s all thunder and lightning, then E & N as you describe it. But when the honeymoon period is over, I realise I cannot truly let my guard down, often that my partner is unable to commit.
But this is because I am attracted to the wrong kind of men : Super charming, usually very attractive, but also v screwed up in the head in the sense that they cannot cope with stable and steady, they get bored. They need excitment, and so they move on.
This time round, I have made a conscious choice to go for someone totally different, someone who is there for me all out, who truly loves me, who will not walk. Now, this may sound perfect, but it’s not easy, because he is not the type of men I am normally attracted to… because I find it hard to let myself be truly loved.
It may sound stupid, but it’s so true : I have self-esteem issues, and they have been drawing me to the wrong men again and again, whilst I was never interested in the men who loved me deeply and would move the Earth for me.
Not sure you are grappling with the same sort of pattern, but just in case, I thought I’d mention it.
Meanwhile, keep looking after your self, it sounds like you’re doing pretty well post-breakup, inasmuch as one can do well in thos circumstances. x
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Thank you Lady E for your thoughtful and very insightful comments. I too struggle with self-confidence… as my friend told me recently, “you are the one holding yourself back”… and she is right. I think only smart, pretty, skinny people seem to have it all. And because this isn’t me (smart, pretty, skinny), that I don’t deserve it. I’m going to break that belief – learn how to be happy with myself the way I am. Its not going to be easy, I now realize I’ve struggled with this demon for many many years.
Thank you again for your words of wisdom, they are greatly appreciated.
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I feel no real life relationship is actually effortless and natural…of course up to a certain point it is a mimic of it…and that’s fUntastic…later is only effort and not natural at all except one side works on it without any complaints and the other side is so convinced that everything is so NATURALLY smooth…
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Interesting perspective Skylight22.
I have been in those relationships – where one person is busting their ass to make it work and the other is in cruise control. So far I’ve been the one busting my ass. No fun.
But I have friends and see relationships where both people contribute and what they have is magical. Yes, relationships are work – all of them, including friendships.
What I should do is give better examples of what I mean. An example I have now is my current boyfriend doesn’t “approve” of mean and women going out after work hours or in general, can they be close friends. Since I’ve spent most of my career working with mostly men, I have a lot of men friend and colleagues in my network. The “discussions” we have about this is ridiculous to me. If I was dating someone who has worked in the same industry or has a similar situation, I believe this would be a non-issue, or as I like to call it, effortless and natural…
Make sense?
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