Where is My Mr. Big?

happy-coupleI miss him.  I know I’ve done a lot these last few years, and maybe I have been hard to track down given all my moves, but a day doesn’t go by where I wonder where My Mr. Big is and how he is doing.  Is he happy?  Does he wonder where I am? Does he wish things had ended differently? Does he wonder if I still think about him?  For me, what we shared was the most simple and honest of all my relationships.  I understood and liked his quirks. I thought he felt the same.  If we had questions or were confused, we confronted them.  There were no elephants in our closet (like there had been in my marriage)…

Given the way he disappeared, I don’t expect to ever see him again (bummer for me as he was a good-looking man, and laying my eyes on that piece of man candy would be awesome!).  I would love to see him, if only briefly, to get a better understanding  of what he was going through, what was going on in his head when he decided to move on.  What was on the other end that was worth giving up what we shared?  I’m not  judging, I just would just like to know.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head, it would be nice to put the ideas to rest and know the truth, no matter what it is.

I think of “us” now, especially as I move onto yet another phase in my life. I wonder what it would be like to have him by my side. If he would support it, steer me in a different direction…  I respected him, his experience, and his advice.  And to some degree, wonder what it would be like to have him by my side.

If anything, I don’t understand why people who loved each other so much can’t stay in contact, be friends, be supporters, be the cheerleaders we all need in our lives.  I’m not a jealous person, so I don’t get how people can choose to drop out of someone’s life … if you loved someone at one time, don’t you still love/admire those qualities about that person?

Anyway, this is a short post about missing someone who is special to me.  He taught me about love, passion, and happiness, and that all of it IS possible with a partner (vs. on your own). I know how to get there on my own, but the cats meow is when you can get all of the above WITH a partner.  Thank you Mr. Big. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, smiling, and at peace with yourself.   xoxo.

Have a Kid or Stay Kid-Free – What’s Your Opinion?

baby smells of vomit and shitSo I finally have some downtime and I felt compelled to write.  Not only to let my “fans” know that I’m alright, but to also clear up all the thoughts running through my head.

First, as much as I wanted this year, 2014, to be about me, have another “Year of the Paula” much like 2011, that did not happen. Nothing went my way.  If I wanted or wished for something, it was a safe bet on the opposite.  So I gave up on this year, riding it out.. just trying to get through it.  UNTIL I went to visit with an old girlfriend in July.  She talked some good sense into me.  Helped me see, yes, the error of my ways but more so, asked me questions that gave me pause, that forced me think in a different way. This, in combination with a few other wise girlfriends advise, a new plan has been “hatched”.

2015 will be the year of the Paula.  No if, ands, or buts about it.  The plan is in motion.  I have accepted another job offer, at higher pay AND with a fancy new title….  a job that I always thought I was capable of doing but for whatever reason, didn’t go for it until now.    But now I have.  I start in 2 weeks.  I’ll share more about the job later, this posting is mostly about the journey.

I have phenomenal friends.  I’ve met some very cool people this year that I would love to invite into the circle of friends…  it will happen, its just a matter of time.  My new job inspires me to be the best me, better than I’ve ever been, and it excites me to create something new, different, unique, and be on the forefront of innovation.  No, No, I’ve not created any new product. And when I tell you what it is it will be boring to most of you, but the exciting part is that Ive got a job that I’m passionate about AND the company I’m going to trusts me to do  my job!  So refreshing.

Now onto the random thoughts.  I went and got myself waxed yesterday. Yes, the ladies, and some “in the know” men may know what I’m taking about.  My wax specialist was fantastic.  Very professional.  But she said something to me that made me think about something I’ve not thought about in a long time. Not because she said it rudely, she simply asked a question.  Its me that is sensitive about it.  She asked why I haven’t had kids yet.  I thought about it, then I came up with what I believe to be true – that it wasn’t in the cards for me.  I married someone I loved, I thought it would happen.  But it didn’t.  And after the divorce, My Mr Big wasn’t in a position to have kids, nor was I.  Now I’m 43… in a relationship with a 70 year old.. so if definitely isn’t going to happen…   Anyway, you can see my train of thought on this.  Then I get on a plane this morning, I’m headed to NYC to visit with a girlfriend on the weekend and work during the week.  Of course there is a 18 month old sitting directly in front of me.

Kids love me.  They are just drawn to  me.  There is something about my look, my personality, my energy that kids are just drawn to.  Yes, I am an 43 adult child, but I like to think its something more than that.  Kids of all ages flirt with me like crazy.  They love me. Even when I try to ignore them, they do something too stupid or cute to ignore and I must reach out. All it takes is eye contact and i’m hooked.  So yes, the kid in front of me liked me. I liked it (it was unisexly dressed – blame the parents, not me for calling it an it).  Anyway, we flirt off and on throughout the trip. Me drinking wine, working… “it” playing, wiggling, walking around.  The plane lands, all seems well, except that as the parents get ready to deboard, the kids pukes up what appears to be be a quart of sour milk. It goes everywhere – all over the mother, all over the seats, the back of the seat in front of them, the floor… and it fills the plane with the most foul sour milk smell you can imagine. People couldn’t get off the plane soon enough..

So the pings of wanting a kid lasted about 24 hours.  Yes, I want one.  But I would need someone to help me take care of it because I need my sleep and I do not want to clean up rancid milk throw up.  I will however, do diaper duty in exchange for this…  but do kids really bring as much joy as what you give up to have them? Why do people who have kids look so tired? Fight so much?  And why do people with kids “stay together for the kids”? Its so selfish to teach kids the wrong way of doing something – sticking with a partner out of obligation and not love.  You can have a kid AND have a great partner (even if thats not with the father).. right??

My question to all of you is – what do you love the most about having kids – what would you miss the most? And what do you wish you didn’t have to do, wished you had back, or wished you could have…or if you could  have it all, what does “having it all” mean to you? Is it something as simple as a nap? A bit more downtime, or is it more complex like a different partner???   Love to get some perspective on this topic.