Giving Thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  This my favorite holiday, a time to really focus on and appreciate what I have.  I have so many great friends, I love the family I’m close to, and I really enjoy my job.  I’m very content with the way my “new” life has turned out… I’m very lucky – I’m healthy and happy.

So, onto a life update.  First, I apologize for being so out-of-pocket.  Work has been busy, and I’ve just not had the energy to write.  I’ve got a ton of things to share, but no time to share them.  A quick update below as I have to go and get ready for my big Thanksgiving dinner with GFP’s family.  GFP is currently on the roster, but over the year, we have become very good friends.  I love this man, he is definitely one of my best friends now.  He will be moving off The Roster and onto my About Me page here shortly. 

Work wise, the meeting in ATL was great, but the deal isn’t going to close this year.  Mama may not get her diamond ring for Xmas.  😦   Good news is that we did what we went to do, and there is potential to close the deal in Q2 of next year.  Works for me.  It’s a deal still on the table. Yeah. 

Family wise, AbFab, the Hubby, Mayonaise, and Shanayhay are heading to CA.  They wanted to drive vs. fly (crazy kids I tell ya). They will be here in a few weeks and will spend a week here…  I can’t wait!  I’ve taken a few days off to spend with them. A lesson I learned while my parents were here.  Yes, my parents came out a few weeks ago and I did not take any time off.  I know, what was I thinking?!?  I absolutely loved having them around, spending time with them in my hood.  My dad wasn’t feeling well so they only met one person. That person?  GFP. Yep, GFP came over and we all watched football together.  It was a very cool evening.

On the dating front, I met a wonderful man unexpectedly.  He was sitting at the bar at my favorite bar/restaurant one evening when I was hanging with CLicious.     He is smart, energetic, fun, has a job that he enjoys, loves his family (he has a 23-year-old son)..  I’ve been out with him 6+ times now.  He is a gentleman thru and thru.  He is older than me by quite a few years – by 23 years.  As you know, I like them older so this doesn’t bother me.  He is so nice to me, always thinking about ways he can take care of me.  I’ve never had a guy want to take care of me – focused on how they can contribute to my happiness.  It’s very different for me.  I’m still uncomfortable with having someone be so kind to me but this is definitely something I need to get over (I’m so used to taking care of myself, why can’t I just let that go a bit and let someone else do something nice for me?!??! This is a topic for another blog).

I’m also thinking about my New Years Resolutions.  I love setting goals for myself..  I’ll spend the next month formulating them… I don’t like Christmas – the commercialism of it all, so I choose to ignore the holiday, be a good person, and think about where I want to go/be next year…  This makes me love this part of the year. 

O.k.. I’ve got to go, get ready to hang with GFP and his family.  Please enjoy the friends and family you’ve chosen to surround yourself with, appreciate what you have, and let go of the rest.

Quick Update.

So I’ve been heads down working. I have a big demo on Tuesday, wish me luck. I’m desperate to close this deal soon – it will bring in the cash I need to buy a ring for myself for Christmas. I was walking by a jewelry store and fell in love with an antique diamond ring…… It’s old-fashioned, has a ton of character, its one of a kind. Its not the diamond per say as it is small…..there is just something about it that has captured me… Im in love.

On the dating side, I was missing Mr. Showtime big time, but slowly I’m getting used to what happened. I’ve had a few dates lately that have been great. I’ve had 2 dates with one man this week alone. He’s a few years older than me, is a real gentleman(old fashioned that way – love to treat a lady like a lady), is a lot of fun, and lives about a mile from me. We have plans to go out when I get back from Atlanta.

On the personal side, I’m looking great. I have my Avon Serum back and am using it religiously…. I’m back to getting carded for alcohol and I’ve had half a dozen people think I was 26-28…. Not bad for a 40 year old.

Ok, I’m off to bed…. I’m so tired and I have a long day tomorrow.

A Pissy Post.

Be forwarned – I’ve had a few cocktails and I’m feeling a bit pissed about  what has happened lately.

I just don’t get it. If you are a nice gal, like myself, are open and honest,  the girl next door type, you get screwed.  If you look great (not that I don’t look good mind you, I’m a hottie, I’m just a 40-year-old hottie), are a bitch on wheels, desperate, needy… you get a guy.   I think of the men I’ve fallen for this year – all of them amazing in their own way – independent, honest, cool, different/unique… super interesting.  EVERY single one of them is driven to please needy, pissy, bitchy women (including but not exclusive to their ex-wives). . 

I’m great, what they want, their “dream girl” as they have all said – gorgeous, self-sufficient, independent, fun, etc…  They couldn’t ask for anything better.   But in the end, they drop me (and in not-nice ways)…  why you ask?  I’d love to know for sure.  But what I suspect is that it’s because there wasn’t enough drama for them. Men love drama… makes them feel loved, needed.  They want it, they need it.  I think it’s totally immature, but I think this is it.

I’ve been reminiscing… the 3 men I’ve fallen for since my divorce; One that I loved with all my being; My Mr. Big, the one  I would take back in a heartbeat IF he ever showed his face again.. gone.   The other two had potential to capture all of my heart…. but won’t because they are still tied to ex-lives (IMO).   All 3 have recoiled from a relationship with me,and I know it’s not because of me.  It’s because of them. As much as they said they were ready, the were NOT ready for a mature, supportive, non-jealous, fun, loving, sexual, easy  relationship.  All of them weren’t ready for this for different reasons…. but for me, it’s all the same  – they weren’t ready for something fabulous and fun.

As I think about this, it pisses me off.  I spent 2 years figuring my shit out BEFORE I put myself out there. I wanted to make sure that I was ready for a healthy relationship…   I thought men wanted the same thing.  But after this year, I do NOT believe this is the case.  I think when men “are ready’, it means they are ready to throw themselves out there and catch what they can (and the younger, more immature the better). 

I think I’m done for the year…  I’m disappointed.  I don’t need a partner,  I’ve got my friends, my cats, and lots of to-do’s to accomplish this holiday season…  I’ll think about what I want to do for next year and focus  what I need to do to get a partner as part of my New Year’s Resolutions..

So that’s it.  I’m pissy.. don’t understand men… giving up on them for the rest of the year.  If you have advice, I’d love to hear it, it will help figure out what I do in the New Year.

Its My Fault You See.

Anyone who knows me knows I can’t leave well enough alone… I’ve got to know,  why did Mr. Showtime fall off the face of the earth?

So, I sent Mr. Showtime an email, a nice one, basically stating that I had enjoyed getting to know him, but I was now clear, based on his actions, that he was not interested in pursuing anything with me, I told him that I would have preferred for him to tell me in person, that I’m just that kind of gal.   I also let him know that I would be sending his things to him and asked that he return my eye pillow.  Wished him well… yada yada.

The good news is he responded.  The bad news is that I’m still in the dark….  here is his response.

 Hi “Paula”,
I will forward your eye pillow of course, and thank for the nice note and for forwarding my things. While we had an amazing time, you made it perfectly clear on several occasions that you don’t do drama, and I have some sudden and serious drama in my life right now, so to spare you the drama I thought it best to walk away. I am sorry if my actions caused you any pain, but I assure you the drama would have been worse.
Please take care of yourself.

 I do appreciate that he responded, and I’m relieved that he is still alive (albeit in a some sort of “serious drama” hell).  I’m not any closer to an answer, but this will just have to do. It’s clear to me he has zero intention of calling me back or reconnecting with me.  

So to answer the question from my original entry – how do people do it?  Here is a good example of how they do it – they just shut down/off and walk away.

And on a side note, unlike Dear Paula Letter Writer’s response, Mr. Showtime’s response seems to be his own (not cut and pasted from other emails, websites, etc.)….

I will have to update my Roster to reflect my time with Mr. Showtime.  As quickly as this unexpected goodness came into my life, it has also ended.

Not Home. No Candy.

This is the sign I hung on my door this evening.  Yep, the fun hater in the neighborhood is me.  Never thought it would be – I love Halloween….  but today, this week, this year, not me. 

Mr. Showtime and I had planned a simple party, a Napoleon Dynamite character party, where I would be LaFawnDah and he would be my Kip.   Obviously that didn’t happen.  When will I get to be LaFawnDuh??? 

I just had dinner with GFP, and I have had enough to drink to say things I probably shouldn’t… but here goes:

  • Love GFP…  because his friendship means the world to me, and there are no strings attached. I love that he is in my life… and he wouldn’t be if he was as black and white as Mr. Showtime and Dear Paula Letter Writer  were about relationships.   
  • I make the best Pomegranate Martini’s … so delicious they are dangerous.
  • Breaking Bad is the best series EVER. I just finished Season 3 on Netflix… Bummer for me.  Season 4 just finished but Hulu doesn’t have  rights to run it (along with a bunch of other shows).  I’m getting close to discontinuing my relationship with Hulu.
  • My parents are coming to visit this weekend… I’m planning a Meet the Parents night…  more deets coming.
  • Unicorns is gone.  Once again she has galloped out of my life, into her own…   she will be living in Boston soon. I can’t wait to visit. 🙂

In general, I spent the day/the last few days feeling down (Katie’s departure, The end of my time with Mr. Showtime). Its been hard to get up these last few mornings… not too hard to pick up a glass of XXX (goose, wine, etc)…   I need to snap out of it quickly….  The upcoming holidays surely don’t help.  I’ll figure something out…

Oh, I also have decided to start focusing on my New Years Resolutions.  I take them very seriously, and I need something to focus on right now…  work has been good but very frustrating, and my love life.. well.. hasn’t been that great.

O.k.. so I’m done with my public pity party.  Halloween has come and gone… I didn’t pass out OR eat any candy today……  Makes this a good day in my book.