Paula's Ponderings

So, I’ve met quite a few good men in my new “just dating” experiences.  There are a few things that all of these men have in common:

• spouses or ex-spouses have taken advantage of them financially (some are doozies)
• their need to please, satisfy, or placate an unreasonable person/personality
• the complicitiy they demonstrate in their unhappy relationships for the “benefit” of their kids

I know I said that I prefer a man with experience, and I still do, because the men that realize and learn from the above bullet points are real men..they know themselves; their strengths, their weaknesses, and their positive energy and outlook on life make me melt.   But they go through a lot to “get there”.

As long as I can remember, I’ve never wanted to “have to have” a man. I’ve always wanted to “want a man”.  I believed as far as I can remember – high school, college, even during my marriage, that two people need to be strong, honest, and communicative to really contribute to a healthy, happy relationship.  I am starting to think that the drugs I did in high school are negatively impacting my core belief system….

I have worked so hard to to be independent, to be happy, to be satisfied/content, and to provide for myself….  I do, now believe, at almost 40, that this is not an attractive feature to men.  Every man I’ve dated so far has had a “savior” complex… the one man that I think is the healthiest just revealed to me that he too, is into “saving” women…. or at the very least, has been in the past.  Wow. 

I am so happy right now, so content, relaxed…….I can and do take care of myself.  But I love men, I want to have a healthy, fun, interesting, dynamic, relationhship with a gentleman.  Honestly, is there no man out there that can just appreciate and enjoy a woman that doesn’t need something?  Shocks me, but I’m not sure, at this point, that this is possible.  Somehow, some way, I think to be more attractive to men, I need to become more “vulnerable”.  This is enlighting and frighting to me all at the same time.  How do you do this – become needy?  I have no idea…..  And I don’t want to – I want to find someone who can totally appreciate honestly, openness, and independence, who wants to be a partner, not a provider or co-dependent….  Are there no men out there ready for equality in a relationship?

I’d love to know what other independent and happy ladies out there have experienced…..  same, different…. what’s the secret? Is there a secret sauce, what does it take to meet a man who is happy, independent, and ready for an adventure of a lifetime?