Ex Dream.

Yes, you see correcty, a dream about the EX.  Wish it was a SEX dream… but not this time folks.

It was a very clear, vivid dream.  I woke up due to a startled heart, I took a bit of time to catch my breath, but here is what I dreamt.

The EX was having a baby. Yes, he was the one giving birth.  He was experiencing all the pregnancy events – doctors visits, excitement with family and friends….   I was not included in this.  He was doing all his pregnancy/kid things with his girlfriends (yes, actual girlfriends, but I think it was more to signify friendships…. ) .  He was so excited… all a chatter, phone calls to friends, family.. etc..   The EX rarely showed any emotion of any kind the last years of your marriage so this was  a very big deal.

So, the dream.  We are in the kitchen.  The kitchen at the house we lived in (it was a great kitchen), and I shared with him that I was concerned about having a baby becuase our relationship was not on track.  You know what he said?  That he would rather have the baby than have a relationship with me.    Yep – That if he could only have one, he would pick the baby.

I woke up startled…   and you know why?  Because it was so honest.  I think that is exactly how he felt.  He wanted a family, he didn’t care who it was with.  And he certainly didn’t want to “waste time” working out our relationship challenges (small things like lack of communication, sex, and accountability)…

I don’t know what I was thinking when I went to bed – maybe about my choice to not have children at my age?  Who knows.  But the dream was raw, straight from the heart.  It was reality, the brutal honesty and communication I wished I had experienced in my marriage.


Flying Gods are NOT With Me.

O.k.. so The flying gods are not with me despite the well wishes from my fans!!   For “mechanical reasons” (overdue inspections), United has grounded quite a few flights…  I was not only NOT able to get on an earlier flight, I will consider myself extremely lucky to sit in a middle seat and get home as promised…  United committed to get me home by 10pm….  if they actually follow thru, I will be shocked .  We could all take head of the lessons that the airlines teach us —  set very low expectations and not deliver consistently. that way, when they actually do deliver once in a while, the “shock and awe” is good.   You actually get excited that they followed thru on something because it happens so rarely. 

All of you should know that I’ve done extremely well with my NOT drinking on the airplane (I know, why would I make this a NYR.. … I dont know, I just did it)…  Its been really hard, but I’ve followed thru.  For the first time I felt comfortable with the decision was on 2/13… flying to Boston this last trip.  It was the first time I didn’t salivate (if you will) for a cocktail.  I am in the preliminary steps of breaking a habit.. I’m so proud of myself.  So, when my family, friends, dates (ex husbands) suggest I drink too much, I will tell them, “but  I dont on airplanes!!!!!” . Yes, with that much enthusiasm…. 

O.k. so many “thoughts” are flying thru my mind while at the bar, a few of them include:

  • United Airlines.. you suck.  You basically over-promise and under-delive every single time. 
  • Customer Service Reps.. whether on the phone or in person, why, why, why do you join/be/stay in Customer Service if you dont like helping people (or people in general)??  I’ll never get it.  My advice – if you don’t like it, get out, you make this world a worst place to live in because you are so miserable. 
  • Why is the guy in front of me in grey/green scrubs?  Didn’t have time to change before a flight?
  • Men who wear rings, sit next to “hooker looking” girls at airport bars, and mention their wives..  really?  Hmmm…
  • Boston if cold… just plain cold. Their warm days suck – its still cold.
  • Boston accents are funny … and cool (if you are good looking).
  • Funny how every man under 6′  is the same height as me… whats up with that?  They are either short or tall.. no in-between.  And I’m the 2nd shortest person I know so why do I discrimate so?
  • Thank god they don’t let folks use cell phones on the airplane. If I sat next to a chatty cathy, I would have to kill them…  I am sure I would NOT like prison life.
  • Someone just walked into the bar.. and now it smells like dirty socks.  Gross – who can’t/doesn’t take the time to change their socks/shower during travel?

O.k..   I’ll update this blog as interesting thoughts come to me…   once I board the flight though, its all over, I’ll pass out before takeoff (something about the vibration).  However, as you all know, the Paula jutebox will never stop.

Flying Standby.

Oh lordy, what a bumpy ride I’ve had these last couple of weeks.

Long in short of it is that I’m flying standby on a flight to SF from Boston.  I flew out to Boston to deliver a demo, my first one for my new company.  It was NOT to a customer(thank god), but to my managers… who gave me great feedback on my demo delivery.  I am growing as a professional, learning from people that I respect and admire.  I’m so lucky… 

 The demo … well, not great.  But I now have room for improvement.  🙂  BUT, in my defense, my computer crashed and I cobbled together a decent demo in 4 days..    I’ve leaned a lot, but I am totally exhausted from the experience.  Its 10pm, my face is washed, I’m in my jammies, and I’m in bed.  I can’t wait to fall asleep.

But tomorrow brings the opportunity to fly home early…  to depart on the 2ish flight vs. the 6ish flight.  I want everyone to cross their fingers and wish me luck – I need to be home and in my bed NOT working on a demo for a few days….If any of you out there have United influence, please help.  Send good wishes my way – I know I’ll need it now that I’ve lost status.

O.k. Short but sweet post – I’ve just swallowed a little white pill and I have 8 hours of uninterupted asleep ahead of me.  Dreammmyyy.

My Dad Has A Twin.

O.k.. so I do NOT have many dating experiences under my belt, But I’ve had my first “rock your world” date …  but not in a good way. 

First, Dad, Mom, I love you dearly. This experience may be offensive to you, so if you proceed to read, do so with caution and remember to be strong – I love you!

So, tonight, I went on a date with a nice guy – he was a happy individual, has great relationships with his sons, has an intersting and well paid profession… but when he came to my door to pick me up for our date – it was over.  He looks EXACTLY like my father.   We spent the first 15 minutes at my house, gave him the tour, talking about where we wanted to go…   he was very nice.  But in my head, all I could think was that I was about to go on a date with my FATHER!  Poor chap, after one look it was over –  I do not want to date him OR think about having sex with him.  Ewwwhhhh.

Now, the date wasn’t planned.  I’ve been very busy and focused on work for the last couple of weeks,  but I received a call, out of the blue,  from this gent asking me to dinner.  I needed a break and I enjoyed talking with him, so why not?  As a matter of fact, he actually flew in a day early so that he could have dinner with me… I was definitely impressed with his level of interest.

WE went out, had a couple of drinks at a local watering hole, then had a really nice dinner at a local restaurant.  Everything about our surroundings was perfect, and we actually had good conversation.  However, there are thoughts that ran thru my head, that no matter how great this guy was,  the date was “over”..  I don’t even think I can be “just friends”… I have a dad, and I can’t get past that “dating my dad” thing..   O.k.. so the things that I wanted to write down in my little red pad (while he was talking!!!)  include:

  • He sweats profusely.  At first I thought he was just nervious or thrilled to be with such a fun, good looking, and intelligent person, but it just never stopped.  He was wiping his forhead and neck all night long.  It would have been better if he turned to me and told me about a gland problem he was afflicted with… but he did not.. I have no idea why he was sweating for hours straight..   maybe he is detoxing from something??  No idea.
  • Nervous habits.  He was so fidgety… always moving around.. back and forth, hand movements, facial expressions, bulging eyes….   Maybe  its the drugs?  Or he is just really really expressive…
  • Loves VW’s.  Collects them.. loves them.  A VW Horder if you has me (he has more than one).  My dad, too loves VW’s.  Just ask me and/or my mom about my fathers passion for anything VW.
  • Bad Knee. Nothing wrong with it, it is what it is.  But my dad also has a bum knee.  Lots of stories about the knee, what happened, recovery, and living with an aching joint.  Again, nothing wrong with it, it just reminds me of dad…  It also means he doesn’t exercise and thats a deal breaker – running is my therapy and I love a man with a nice firm body… 
  • Face.  The man looks exactly like my dad!!!  Same receding headline, scar near his laugh line, grey hair…..  

So, I need to say again, I love my dad, he is awesome.  Love talking with him, catching up with him, and taking care of him (as much as he will let me)…..   but I dont want to date my dad, and I certinaly do not want to have sex with my dad! 

Given all of these things, there is just absolutely no way we can have a relationship. Friendship maybe, “Friends with Benefits” – no way.  Poor guy, didn’t know/doesn’t know yet he’s out….. or why.  How do you tell someone this?  I would love to hear what you would recommend I say…. I know he is going to call me again. Grrrrr.

Dating at 40.

Dating at 40 is very different than it was when I was in my 20’s.. I spent  my 30’s married and divored.  Now, at 40, the scene has changed significantly.

First and foremost, I wanted to let everyone know, that the man who sent me the Dear Paula Letter is a kind person.  I was lucky to spend every minute with him, he was of the upmost calliber – he was a true gentleman with the highest of integrity, was honest to the bone, had true grit, had the greatest energy, and was a blast to be with.  He has set the bar very high for the next round of gents I date.  So please don’t confuse my sadness with anything that he did.  I own my grief….  I was/am sad that the person I truly enjoyed being with, that I had tons of fun with, that I conncted with did not feel the same way about me.  Oh well, that is part of life.  I’ve got my big girl pants on now… its fine.

What I have been pondering lately is the new dating scene I’ve found myself in.  I’ve been thinking a lot about these past few weeks.  There are a couple of things I’ve learned/am learning/will continue to ponder:

  1. What I find attractive is so very different now.    What I wanted in my 20’s is definitely NOT what I want now.  In my 20’s I was looking for someone in my same boat – single, looking to build a partnership/relationship in the spirit of creating a family.   I don’t want this anymore.  I am single, without kids, but given my experience with my niece, I feel like I’ve lived a full life – raised my kids,  enjoyed the ups and downs of unconditional love.  I do not need to give birth to a baby to feel complete.  So I have no biological clock ticking ….  I am looking for someone who is NOT looking to start a new family, is older, wiser, wants to develop a strong friendship/bond, and a fun, drama free relationship.
  2.  Whats on the Market Now.   On the market now are either single guys in their 40’s or divorced men  in their 40’s.  Given the option to date a single person with no children or a divorced person with “extras”.  I’d pick the divorced man.  40+ year old men without a long term relationship and/or a family just does not have enough life experience for me.  They are often too needy, still want someone to mother/take care of them…   I don’t want to be someones mother, I want someone who can take care of themself (like I do).  So, I go for the more complex option – man with history/a past.  I want someone who has struggled, has learned about themselves, has dealt with adversity, and is able to clearly articulate who they are and what makes them happy, sad, energized, etc..  I know that being with this kind of man presents its own challenges,  meaning they may have kids, ex-wives, financial setbacks…  I get it.    But I’m o.k. with this – I am attracted to men who take care of their families, who want the best for those around them, who know how to compromise, know how to make tough decisions, know how to communicate.  Its just what I prefer – and its a good thing, because at 40, there are adult men, good men out there who have been through the ringer, and are looking for a solid, genuine, independent woman to share a few good times with.
  3. The Art of Dating.  For one, I don’t think I have dating game – I want to get there and meet new people, find friendships, establish connections, and just maybe, find that special somone I can explore this life with.  But I have no idea really how to go about doing this because everything is different now (points 1 & 2 above) …. … This hit me while I was getting my hair done and reading the Dating Virgins  article in this months Marie Claire.  Basically this article points out that women (and men I suspect)  tend to fall back into the comfort of a full relationship rather than enjoy dating.  Dating can fun – getting to know someone is exciting.  My favorite quote from the article is “dating is a marathon, not a sprint.”.  Personally, I’m in no hurry to get into another relationship –  I have no end goal that I’m trying to accomplish.  But after reading the article, maybe I do ..   just because I don’t know what I’m doing AND when I find someone I like, I do want to spend as much time with that person as possible…… maybe this is too much too soon?  I don’t know.   This is something I’m going to watch as I begin my dating adventures.  My focus will be on enjoying the moment of getting to know someone, not pushing, not rushing, just enjoy what is.

 So, dating is different now.  I’ve changed, and the dating pool has changed, the game has changed.  I’m open to this new life, willing to take that leap of faith, get out there and have fun with a lot of  intersting adult men.  I’ve got nothing to lose and a whole lot of new friendships to gain and interesting experiences to have.

Go Paula!