Feeling Much Better.

Gosh, what a bit of time off can do for your mental health.

I’m feeling much better.  So happy to NOT be on an airplane right now.  Sophie has been found – two ladies dropped her off Thursday night with the cat sitter.  In this world, where its just me and the cats, I need help.  Patti, my cat sitter has been like a second mother to my little ladies.  I will forever be greateful for having her in my life and all her help.

I did not do much around the house or errand wise, instead, I took care of myself:

  • I’ve gone running twice now and my body craves more.  I love California – the fact that I can go running pretty much anytime is amazing.  Who needs a therapist when there is the great outdoors and all thoughts, angst, and solutions just work themselves out?
  • I spent time with great friends who are like family.  They listened to me, talked with me, shared a meal and drank with me.  God what a comforting feeling to be amongst good friends. 
  • I slept very well in my bed. My bed is the best ever ….   I could stay in it all day, every day if I was independently wealthy…

I love having my home to come home to.  Yes its still unorganized, and yes, there is a bunch of things to do (most of which I need help with – putting rugs under beds, bed skirts on beds, installing a new towel rack, medicine cabinet.. the list goes on and on), BUT its mine… its a place I can call home, where I can be safe, warm, and comfortable. 

Yes, you can see, Paula is returning to her normal self.  I have learned a lot about myself these last 3 weeks, the most important things are that:  

  • Even when I feel down and out, I’m still a strong and nice person, 
  • I have a really hard time asking for help, and
  • dating is so new to me!

I have more to share on these topics, and when I get to a place where writing it all down helps me, I’ll share.

For those of you who reached out to me these last few days, thank you so much, it means a lot to me.  Your kind, supportive words were exactly what I needed.

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Sophie is Missing Again.

Sophie has gone missing again.  I knew spending 3 weeks out-of-town would be tough on her….  I thought that having a cat sitter would help alleviate her anxiety.   I know she is a cat, but she loves/craves/needs human attention/affection.  She needs it more than most humans I know.  She is such a love bird.

I recieved a message on Wednesday about Sophie from a total stranger.  This woman, Monica, called to let me know that Sophie had been “found” …. that she had taken Sophie into her home.  She called at midnight EST so I wasn’t able to respond until Thursday (3 hour time difference)..  I called her immediately.  I thought we lived only a few houses apart…. I told her to just let Sophie go, that she would find her way home.  She left me a message stating she let Sophie go Thursday eve, but Sophie has not shown up at the house as of yet.   I’ve called Monica a few times, left messages, and she has not responded.  The cat sitter, bless her heart, has gone above and beyond to find her….    to no avail.  Sophie has been gone for 2 nights now, Thursday night, if she doesn’t show up, is her 3rd night away from the house.

I’m beside myself. My heart hurts..  I feel so stressed and helpless about being so far away and not being able to do anthing.  My life is taking forever to progress.. minutes feel like hours.. I’m not focused on anything but finding Sophie….  I’m also overwhelmed by the fact that when I finally do get home, I can’t do anything until Monday (SPCA doesn’t “do” lost and found on Saturday)…. I’m not functioning well…  I thought I was stronger than this, but I guess I’m not.  I’m at the end of my rope.. I’ve got nothing left to give.  This event has pushed me over the edge.

I’ve taken a full ambien so I can sleep tonight.  One more day of training and 8 hours of travel… then I can be home to whistle for Sophie…. I hope it isn’t too late.

Here are the links to her first MIA and our renion.

Totally Drained. Emotionally Spent. Nothing Left to Give.

These last 3 weeks have been brutal.  I have been traveling non-stop to Boston for 3 weeks for my new job to get up to speed on new technology, messaging, and relationships.   I’m just recovered from a  bad cold.  A friendship I really enjoyed somehow went from fun to fatal in my absense.  My dad has not recovered from his surgery and is not doing well. My nieces car engine needs to be replaced so she can get to/from school and work.   And tonight, while at dinner with colleagues, I received a call from some crazy lady back home who has trapped my cat inside her house.    She is going to let her go tonight – but who does that??  Sophie, the cat, only travels/adventures out when I’m gone too long, heads out to look for me (or love.. maybe food)…. breaks my heart. 

The experience of processing everything that is going on and trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward has left me emotionally spent.  My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and completely run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….  I’m numb.

I know that life is busy and full of challenges… most of the time I can handle it, and sometimes even with grace.  Other times, like now, it just takes a toll.  I have zero room for anything else right now…. I have nothing else to give.  And I still have two more days of training in cold, grey Boston….  an expensive car bill… an unhappy/trapped cat.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get thru the rest of the week.  Friday can’t come soon enough.

I cannot wait to come home, spend time with friends, see the cats, and reconnect with myself .

Dear Paula Letter.

I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

NYR 2011

Happy New Year everyone!!  Now is the time to make commitements to yourself, steer your life in the direction you want it to go.  I have many New Years resolutions this year….. some are follow-ups from last year, some are new ones.  I absolutely love the new year… new beginnings are so fun and refreshing.

So, 2011, what do I want to focus on?   What do I want to accomplish? Here’s the list.

  1. Financial Life.  I need to get my financial house in order.  Between purchasing a new house and gaining new employment, I really need to get this done. The goals are:
    • Debt. Remodeling the new house cost a lot more than I had agreed up and expected. It cost more money than I had.  I now owe a bunch of money to someone, and I have no way of repaying this debt right now.  I need to come up with a repayment plan and get this debt/loan paid off.  Really bothers me to owe someone money and is the main reason why this is goal # 1 for 2011.
    • Build a Trust/Will (rollover from 2010).  I do not have a ton of money, but I will be worth something when I die, so I want to make sure that my money goes to where I want it to go.  I do know that none of my accounts list the EX as a beneficiary, but now I want to be specific on where I want it to go…. to educating my nieces and nephews, animal rights organizations, etc.. I want to put all the proceeds from my 401(k), life insurance policies, work AD&D into the trust, then name the beneficiaries in one place. My friends have done this, I have the name of a good attorney, I just need to do it.  
    • Not Buying It.  Love this one, did well in2010, and I’m going to continue it.  I just do not need anything…   I’m going to make sure that if I spend money, that its important and I need it. And given that I have debt to pay off, this is a solid resolution to have.
  2. Weight Loss.  So, I lost 5 lbs and a dress size last year. My body shape has absolutely changed.. clothes that used to fit do not fit or fit strangely.  I do feel good about this, but I don’t feel as good as I thought I would.  I want feel better about myself, so there is more work to be done.  My goal is to lose 5 more pounds and another dress size.  It’s important that I shape up and gain muscle, lose fat.  I have plenty to work on:   I’d like to continue to focus on my stomach, my backside could use a reduction and some shaping, and my arms could use some toning.  So I’m going to do the same thing I did last year:  watch what I put in my mouth and try to exercise/do something every day. I love yoga and pilates, I’ve got a few good DVD’s that I can take on the road with me.  Its all about staying healthy and getting to a healthier state.  
  3. Professional Life. I had a bad year professionally in 2010.  The company I joined in 2010 was not a good fit for me for many reasons.  I worked very hard and did my best and it still just didn’t work out.  I’m happy that I found a new job so quickly and the new company I’m with feels like a much better fit.  What I want to do this year is grow – it seems like its been forever since I’ve learned something new.  My new company focuses on education and enabling their sales team for success, and I’m really looking forward to being a part of it.  A couple of things I’d like to focus on professionally this year:
    • Presentation Skills.  I’ve always wanted to be a sleek and smooth presenter. Most often I feel like I fumble thru a presentation.  I want get to the point where I feel comfortable, where I know that I’m delivering a bang-up presentation.  This will take a bit of reading and practice…I have a few books I’m going to read and I’m going to practice practice practice.  
    • Professional Style.  Since I’ve not been “out” at customer sites in a while, I feel out of touch with my business clothing.  I want to slim down my wardrobe and keep only the pieces that I feel most comfortable in.  I have a few great suits which I love and fit me well, but its the upscale business casual clothes that I need.  My first goal will be to weed out the pieces that don’t fit well, then identify the pieces that I need… I want to be selective and make sure that its a good piece that will last a long time. Yes, I’m aware that I have goals about not spending money, I think that its only a few pieces and good, solid pieces never go out of style and its worth the investment.
  4. Personal Life. There are a couple of things I want/need to do this year.
    • I want to have love in my life again.  I would like to find a partner is that available and ready for a healthy, happy relationship.  Relationships are not easy, they do take work, but I think with good communication, patience, trust, and understanding, you CAN actually have one that is  drama free and fun.  I’m going to leave myself open for love and see what happens.
    • Reconnect with a good friend.   There is one friend that I’ve known for many many years that I just stopped communicating with.  It wasn’t because anything happened, its largly because I was working so hard and trying to succeed at work.  Then when time passed I didn’t want to own up to all the time passing… .so I didn’t reach out.  But now, I think about it all the time, wondering what happened to this friend of mine.  She was an exceptional person and friend to me, and I just need to own up to being lazy and reach out.  I need to apologize and make an effort to bring the friendship back into my life. 
  5. Alcohol Intake. I cut back significantly on my drinking in 2010 and I’m going to do the same thing in 2011.  I credit this to my job that didn’t work out and not traveling.  I worked very hard in 2010, in a job I didn’t like, for a company that was “different”…  YOu would think this would cause me to drink more, but I was working so much that I didn’t have time for drinks.  In previous jobs, I traveled quite a bit, and did a lot of drinking when I was on the road (airports, airplanes, restaurants, hotel bars, etc)).  This year, I will not be drinking on airplanes.  It’s Jan. 14th, I’ve taken 3 flights (2 were 6+hours), and I have not had a drink….  Its taken great strength to NOT order a couple of drinks on the airplane so far, but I’ve done it.  I think it will get easier and easier as the year progresses.  A couple of exceptions to this:
    • Vacation.  If I’m on my way to or from a vacation, long weekend, etc..
    • Upgrade.  If I’m ever upgraded to business or first class where the drinks are free.. well, its free and I’m going to partake.
    • Free.  If I am offered a cocktail at no cost by a flight attendant or fellow passenger I’m taking them up on it. 


I’m going to be on the East Coast a lot this year – and I want to arrive in each location without a hangover…  Its hard enough to deal with the 3 hour time difference… if I need help sleeping, I’ll take a pill.

 

That’s it.  I know, a lot to focus on, but I’m ready… I feel solid this year, I’m in a good place, and now, its time to excelerate forward.  I’m looking forward to all the oportunities that present themself in 2011!