Pity Party Is Over.

Survival lately has seemed like a struggle.  I have strived for the very best, but right now, it seems like I’m asking for too much. Sometimes I wished I could just compromise.. and let go, cut corners, be the same as everyone else.   I wonder if I’m just expecting too much…  and should just let go of what I want/need (safe housing, loving and paticipative partner, fantastic lover, etc. ) and get what I can. 

As of right now, my pity party has lasted exactly 6 full days.  I’ve been walking around, all depresso, feeling sorry for myself.  It will be a week this Wednesday.  I’m not one for a pity party, so i’m getting sick of myself (its as if I am starting to stink.. you know?).    If I were my friend I would have lost patience on Friday…

So, just like My List (of charming attributes) I’ve created a Contract with Myself  (and of course posted it for all to see) remind myself of what is reasonable to want/need and what I need to focus on.  a list to remind me of what kind of person I want to be.  My depresso attitude is frankly, boring me right now.

I have had reached my limit of cocktails for this evening (yes, I know, bad grammer, but it goes to show that I have indeed have had too much to drink), so I’m heading to bed early.  I’m focused on making tomorrow and all the following days better.  I realize that there are many others that are better off than I am….  and as envious as I am of the rich, beautiful, and gifted, I do have all my limbs and I’m NOT living in Afganistan right now… these are things to be grateful for.

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Housing Frustrations.

I’ve done a small bit of financial organization this year.  Now that the market has “cooled” here in the Bay Area, I would like to own a litte casa of my own.  Just a small place for me and the cats to settle in.

Being the planner that I am, I went to a mortgage broker to pre-qualify, so I would know what I can search for/afford.  Well, guess what?  A) I dont make as much money as I have in the past, and b) The reporting laws on rental properties has changed.  I CANNOT even afford to live in Little Mexico next to the freeway.  Thats right.  Thanks to all the folks who did zero down on multiple properties, they have changed the way they “estimate” a lendees income and expenses on rental properties…   In addition, my income has gone down the last 2 years…  I’ve not made much money (took a pay cut for upside opportunities at the new company… which has never panned out).

This happened last Wednesday, and I’ve been stewing about it ever since. I’m frustrated for several reasons:

  • That I dont have enough income to qualify for more than a fixer upper in a bad neighborhood.
  • That a break-even rental property would hinder my ability to purchase a primary residence (on that I put 20% down on and still shows its worth more than is owed on it).

I am a responsible person with very little debt, and I CANNOT afford to purchase a condo, much less a townhouse, and I can completely forget owning a home ….    unless, of course, i want to live in a unsafe neighborhood just mere blocks from the freeway. Check this out, one of the few houses in my price range:  http://www.redfin.com/CA/San-Mateo/205-S-Humboldt-St-94401/home/1675784 

Yes, I have considered moving to an area where housing costs are more reasonable, but given the divorce, I really want/need to be close to my friends. Otherwise, I would literally NEVER get out of the house.  So my choices are to continue to rent in an area that I feel safe and is close to my friends, OR if I want to own, I will have to move out of the Bay Area entirely.  Bums me out that there is no in-between.  I’ve had a bit of a pity party these last few days about it….

I’m cranky… really cranky about it.  but I’ll find a way to fix it.  Even if it means continue to rent for another year and save more money, selling the rental property in a down market.   I’m still looking at options right now…  these are two potential ideas that are not that appealing.

Sigghh.

My Reclusive Years.

I had lunch with a friend last week, a very good friend.  I have known him for years, since college.  He and I moved to San Francisco at the same time and have always stayed friends.  He is fantastic… 

Anyway, at lunch, he asked me if I was out of my reclusive period yet.  I laughed, but he is/was right.  I’ve not reached out to many people in two years.  My layoff/seperation was two years ago. My divorce became final a year ago (thanks to the persistent work of The Ex).  I’ve not gotten out much, even with close friends.  I have stayed home, removed myself from the world and all its goings-on, so that I could recover.

I do not love lightly.  I fall and fall hard.  I give it my all.  To me, for me, relationships are the most important aspect of life.  The people that you take care of, that take care of you, NOT out of obligation, but because of geniuine care and concern for that persons well-being – that is priceless.  I do talk about this a lot because I could not have made it thru these last few years without my friends. I can name a 1/2 dozen folks who I can attribute my recovery to.  I thank god everyday that I have these folks in my life. 

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about this one phrase, “the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less”.  In my marriage, I did not have the power, I had the exact opposite.  Zero power.  So why is it, that the person with the power, does nothing with it?  Now I want to be the one with the power.. but to care, to love, is to give up the power. To take risks.  Of all things to take a risk on, isn’t love the best one?

I still am in shock how absent my EX really was, how many other relationships he had while we were married, how he said he wanted to still be married while carrying on with others.  The person he bacame.  I was fooled, fooled in a big way.  Not that I’m a victim, I knew things weren’t right, butI didn’t want to give up.  My partner had already given up and moved on.  So why would he do what he did? Why would’t he just move on?

 I think I have been reclusive because, honestly,  I just dont want to get hurt again.   Playing it safe, not putting myself out there, boxing myself into a ‘persona’ if you will, the Crazy Cat Lady….  its been safe and comfortable. Keeps me in the power seat…

For whatever reason, it hit me last week – I’m alone.  Not lonely, just alone.  I have begun thinking about what its going to take to meet someone, to have someone around that wants to be with me, where we have fun, laugh a lot, and in general, enjoy each others company.  The thought is a bit overwhelming, but it has now entered my realm of possibility.  I think that things happen for a reason – that your brain lets you think about things that you can/are able to contemplate….

At the very least, I know of some folks that will be happy to see me again.

Weight Watchers Is A Scam.

So,  I do feel badly about this.. but thought those of you in my boat would understand (those trying to lose weight and struggling with it).

I go to Weight Watchers every Friday for my weigh in.  I have been completely dedicated to my weight loss – tracking the food I’m eating, working out once, if not 2x a day…  I’m ON IT. The scale – the WW scale – showed I gained weight.

I asked the very nice 60+ year old woman who had the unfortuante responsibly of performing my weigh-in on Friday, how in the world was weight gain possible on her scale, but showed weight loss on all other scales I use (and use regularly I might add).  I had gone to the doctor and was weighed-  a great number.  My home scale showed almost a full pound of loss…   and the WW scale… weight gain.   I went WWF on her (in a calm, but very focused way).  Its so frustrating – how is it possible?  I asked her about the scale…  and how its possible that every scale in my life shows positive results…. EXCEPT WW.

She had no answer…. just stammered on about results are not always what we expect…  I was so mad my friend walked me out of there and talked me off the ledge.  Its been 48 hours since the weigh in, and I have decided to cancel membership.  I’m doing all the right things – and I would prefer to put the cost of my weight watchers membership towards my new gym membership.

So, I’m sure others feel differently – my mom is having tremendous success.  Its all about portion control for her. For me, it’s portion control AND exercise.  I want to be stronger, get healthy.    I’m running, i’m stretching and strength training.. …    and I’m loving the gym membership. 

All those that have reached out to me about similar goals – I hope you all are doing well and making progress!!

NYR Update # 4 – Moving Forward.

I’m doing it, moving forward.

I’m now driven, focused.  I don’t know what happened before … Its almost as if I thought something would happen if I just thought about it.

Well, mama has woken up – I get it. Things aren’t going to change unless I make them happen.  So.. focus has been good. I went to a WW (Weight Watchers) meeting and I lost 1/2 lb.   Thats a good thing, but I’m focused now on more serious loss.  1lb a week.

I am going to the gym, every other day for my “flex” days.  I’m running on my cardio days – I just love being outside.  I’m totally focused and committed.

My mom has inspired me – she has lost 12 pounds just by eating less. She wants to incorporate working out in the spring, when it gets warmer where she lives.  I live in a state that has mild weather… and I’ve only lost .5 lbs.. this year.  Rediculai.

So here it is, all the excuses stop here.  I’m down 1/2 lb…. and many more are to come.  Running, stretching, and less drinking are my combo. So far so well….

Mom, you are a STUDETTE, and I love that you take life by the balls and make “it” happen (Mom doesn’t read the blog so I can say this)…

😉

A Scare.

So I had a fabulous day today – it was a great “life in California day”.. sunny, warm, beautiful…  you could not ask for anything more.  On top of it, friends call me and ask me over for dinner…  Honestly, life doesn’t get any better.

But on my way home, I’m driving, in my euphoria, and an animal darts across the road.  My heart stops beating and I slam on the brakes.  I’m ready to swerve into parked cars…  and I realize why: this animal looks just like my Sophie.  My cat.  She is short haired, spotted and striped, not so thick around the middle like a racoon… but still, very close.  I realize at the last minute that its a racoon… but my heart is already racing.

My heart, my head, all think that something is happening to ‘my kid’.  I have all the responses of danger…   but in the end I realize that its just a raccoon.  Just a raccoon I say… and I feel bad – Raccoons are struggling to live, make a living, do their thing in growing, expanding suburbia…  and then I remember.. I hired an “exterminator”” to remove Raccoons from “my property”.

First, I rent, do not own. So my feelings of ownership have completely to do with responsibility, not true ownership. Secondly, the safety of “my babies” is numbero uno.  I would not have eradicated  the raccoons IF they had not come into the house, disturbing the peace inside the home.

I guess my point is, I feel as if I almost ran over my very own child – even though my child is a cat AND the actual animal was a raccoon that I paid a pretty penny to remove from a space that a) i dont own, and b) I can’t even begin to “own”…

In the famous words of Paula… “la la la la  …. la la la … la la la”..

Marketing Matters.

This was a statement from a very good friend of mine at dinner this evening.  It was said in the context of business, but as I thought about it, it applies to a lot of things , including one’s personal life.

So its been years since I’ve dated, and now that I’m almost 40, I will begin dating as an ‘older person’… this line struck very close to home.

Dating at 40 is not easy.  Men that are available are either married or just out of marriages and interested in just getting out there and/or dating younger women. I think its just a phase (as I explained to my friend), but it is what it is.  My opinion is that eventually these men will come to and realize that what they really want is a partner; someone that cares about them, that they care about, that the feeling is mutual, and the sex is great.   He agreed.  It is sometimes this simple.

The point my friend was making is that no matter what, “Marketing Matters”; so the way you present yourself is key.  His first recommendation was that I NOT wear the pants I had on as they are not flattering…    I don’t often look at what I put on, I just throw it on..  and the pants I threw on were my Trade Show pants (those of you in the software business knows what this means).   His point was that no matter whatever you are doing – from building/selling a company to grocery shopping,  that the way you market and present yourself matters.

I had not thought about it this way, but right now his advice is ringing true – if you want to draw something/someone into your life, well then, dress the part!!  So, I need new pants (and this is NOT the first time I’ve heard this… I was told this very same thing by someone else while in a different pair of pants).. and I need to walk a bit taller, exude confidence, and just be myself, and get some new pants.

Again, its about putting myself out there, and putting myself out there in the right pants.  😉  Kidding of course.   I do get the message and I thank my dear friend for making it.   I consider myself enlightened.