It’s Final.

My divorce is final.  I dont have the paperwork as of yet, but I’m told all is “done”.  This is all fine and dandy, but the real interesting news (for me anyway), is that my now ex has moved on, and pretty quickly I might add.  He found someone, has actually packed up his things and MOVED to Miami.. and is having a baby girl in August OF THIS YEAR (for those non-math wizards, that means she was prego in Nov/Dec of 2008.), which interestingly enough, coinside with his official request for a divorce.

I remember thinking how strange it was that the ex had actually taken action to start divorce precedings in November 2008 (which I blogged about: Ever Forward.).  This man could NOT make a decision to do the simplest of things in the last 3 years of our marriage (such as which night, during the week (any day, pick a day) to have dinner with his wife).   BUT, he seemed so proactive to seperate (after the condom incident of course), and was agressive about filing for the divorce.   I didn’t get it then, but now I get it (an a-ha moment about a year later).  

He found someone.  Someone that he knew during our marriage.  This someone was most likely the woman he was sleeping wtih during our marriage (wonder why he chose NOT to use the condom anymore??).  We werent sleeping together, which was a major issue in our marriage – I wanted to, he couldn’t find the time.  Our Counselor so eloquently asked him at almost every sesssion, “if you aren’t fucking your wife, who are you fucking?” .  But, you have to hand it to him – he did find someone that got him off is ass to actually do something – to move across the country AND have a baby with.  Good for him (sort of ….). 

I’m not really happy for him yet… it will come in time.  I do want him to be happy, but I would have preferred that he be honest with me AND himself during our marriage.  At the very least, why in the world would he commit to 8+ months of counseling if he had zero intention of being in and truly engaging in the marriage?  Right now, I am just flabbergasted that he would, literally, choose to do what “looked good” vs. what made him happy. 

By “looked good” I mean that he did what he thought was the right thing by society, his family, colleages, etc, but certainly not by either one of us.   He walked away from our marriage, saying he “tried”, he did “everything”, and I was the one that “wasn’t commited” …  What a load of crap.  I see it so clearly now, and makes me realize how lucky I am that I grew strong and did not settle for less than what I needed.  Shit, we could still be married AND he could be having this baby with a co-worker. God, how awful would that be???

My only lesson learned here is to not hold on to hope so long….   Had I listened to the Ex’s actions (or inaction) we would have seperated years before we  finally did….  but instead, I chose to listen to his words… but I see clearly now, someone will show up when they want to, that their actions will showcase their priorities, passions, and desires.  Words are hollow, meaningless IF they are not backed up with action. I get it now.

This new news threw me for a loop none-the-less.  It’s just like Sally in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally is upset that her ex-boyfriend is marrying someone else.  Its not that because she wants him, its just that it wasn’t her.  Why not her is Sally’s question, her dilemma.  Its hard to face facts, that no matter how much you love someone, you just aren’t the one, it just isn’t right.. and it won’t ever be right – married or not.  On the mature,  rational side, I’m happy that he has found someone to inspire him…. someone he loves or desires to be with enough to actualy do something/take action, to think beyond himself.  On the emotional side, it’s extremely frustrating that he was just plain lazy, I would even go so far to say cowardly, for not being honest with me or himself, and facing his(our) truth.   Grrrr.

In summary, I am grateful that I figured my shit out, because in the cold, harsh, reality of life, we could still be married, numb, and unhappy.  We would both be having affairs (you can only go so long without sex and intimacy),  he would be wishing I would just leave him alone, and I would be wondering why he doesn’t love me (is it my weight, lifestyle, etc), and what else I could do to get him to see my value, my worth.  I was angry at the end of 2006, he blamed me for our troubles… I waited patiently for him to do  something…  step up, say something, pay attention, get involved….  nothing happened.  I gave up waiting in early 2008 …  given his activity, he gave up years before that…   Its too bad he couldn’t have been honest, me more brave….  It would be nice to have those years back, what I could do with an extra couple of years (ohhh the countries I would visit…)…

The divorce is final and now the real fun begins…

Unexpected Treasures.

So it is Sunday night…  I’ve had a long weekend.  A good weekend certainly, but a very long one for me (the recluse cat woman).    I was with family from the minute I landed in Utah on Saturday morning, until now, late Sunday evening.   

Today I spent the day in a very remote place in Utah, celebrating the birthday of my 2-year old neice.   It was a great party – 20+ family and friends showed up.  So much fun – and of course,  “Mayonaise”, my grand-niece, wanted to come ‘home’ with “The Best Aunt In The World”, which from now on I will reference as TBAITW.  Abby had to stay home with her mom and a visit with me will be scheduled!!  She is absolutely adorable, one of the smartest kids I know. She hears you say one thing and is able to reference it back.. context and all…   unbelievable.

So, as TBAITW, everyone wants to spend time with me (I AM popular folks… you just have to find the right crowd, my cats know this!!) …   my 9 year old neice had some time and wanted to hang out. She is absolutely adorable, a gorgeous person, so funny and so much fun.    She is just the best ever!  Anyway, she, and her BFF wanted to come stay with me in SLC… of course I said yes!!!  Love it – I’m so cool, two (2) 9-year olds want to stay with me!  Am I THE COOLEST or what??!?!?!?!

Now, I love that they wanted to come stay with me.  However, there are some tasks that comes along with the kids that I’ve long since forgotten: 

  • 100% attention is required.  9 year-olds are self-suffiienct meaning that I dont have to change diapers and they wont starve if I can’t feed them (they can open refridgerators, make cereal, etc.). They can survive for the most part on their own, but they want and need attention 24/7.  Boy, do they love to show all the things they can do/try/etc., example, “TBAITW, did you know that when soda gets up your nose it hurts?”…
  • Couldn’t be without their posse.  Syd couldn’t be without “Mo Mo”(one of her two dogs).  I of course, being TBAITW , “Mo Mo” could come with her.   My sister says, “we treat everyone equally, anything Moo Moo gets, Roxy gets.” (Being a twin, its all about equality, so this is totally fine with me).  What I didn’t know was that “Max”, the little black dog was “Mo Mo”… and that Roxy was the injured dog wearing the cone hat.  Love dogs, but hadn’t thought about what that meant in a downtown city condo.

O.k.. so, I am now in my SLC condo, my gorgeous condo, my home away from home, with 2 9-year olds and 2 dogs….  Never in my wildest dreams did I think this could happen…   So perfect in a crazy, busy way…..  grilled cheese, Cinnamon Life, hot tubbing, movies, stories of a lifetime, questions of all types, etc….  all unexpected, but some of the best moments of my life (what does one say to a 9-year old that asks “what drugs have you done?’)… hmmm…   😉

Here is where the crazy part comes in.  We get out of the hot tub, take our showers, I feed them, they are fed and happy and soon to be talked out (fingers are crossed).  I feel like the coolest ever, taking care of them and the dogs…  I deserve some wine.  I know its Sunday, but I’ve stocked up.  I unlock the owners closet, and find what I love, a few bottles of wine… I want red (it started raining when we were in the hot tub.. went from warm to cold pretty quickly, thereby calling for red wine).  I find a favorite – LIberty School Cab… so consistently good.  My mouth starts to water….   I grab the bottle and head to the kitchen….

Low and behold, there isn’t a corkscrew… its gone missing.  Its not in the dishwasher or any of the drawers or cupboards.  Seriously, how could someone take that and only that out of the condo???   Did a mormon stay here in the last couple of months and ‘disapprove’ of the ‘liquid intake’ a corkscrew would allow?    It’s just mind-boggling to me that anyone would take a corkscrew from the condo. Of all the things to take….   take the 50” TV but not my corkscrew!!  

So, I had to make myself a Carrie (I know, tough life).   I will remedy the situation so it never happens again (I will by two corkscrews: one for the condo and one for the ‘owners closet’). But seriously, it is just unconscionable to me that ANYONE would take someone’s corkscrew.   I just dont get it.

All in all, a very good day.  A lot of space filled with questions, comments, stories, and the like.  Very different from my world, but a welcome change (minus the missing corkscrew).

Fun in SLC
Fun in SLC